How to end things

[HeCantBreakMe]

My Affair lasted 3 years and I'm NC for 3 months now.

 

Very hard in the beginning but gets much easier with time. I thought of telling my W but decided not to and it was the right thing for me since my feelings are coming back.

 

 

I would not tell your BH at this point. The chance of discovery is very low, like you said.

Let the emotions settle after NC and then after 6 months or so decide if you want to tell your BH to force him to change or leave the marriage or things are better for you emotionally with your H at that point.

 

You have to make these big decisions when you are emotionally ready and not in a panic or in affair fog.

 

I am in agreeance about not telling until you can make a very unemotional decision. You may also want to seek IC and then turn that into MC and let a counselor guide you through the process of telling. ?? Just a thought.

[13Hearts]

Yes, of course you can break out. You have to be courageous, steadfast, and focused on YOU. You're probably obsessed with or addicted to him or the sex to some degree so there's that to contend with.

 

This:

 

I love him so much and have devoted so much Time and energy to him for so long I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore.

is a boundary issue. You've allowed his needs to override yours. You need to reach inside yourself and figure out why you've done this. Google weak boundaries and boundary setting, and practice what you learn.

 

You start breaking out by changing the way you allow yourself to think and talk about him. If it hurts, fine, acknowledge the hurt, and let it go. Don't awfulize the hurt or the missing him.

 

You stop having sex with him, completely. You start shifting the focus off of him and onto you, your wants, your desires, your needs. Reach back into your past and remember what you wanted or sought before.

 

It's going to take you a while to recover. But you have to begin. Make up your mind and then do not turn back.

[malvern99]

My Affair lasted 3 years and I'm NC for 3 months now.

 

Very hard in the beginning but gets much easier with time. I thought of telling my W but decided not to and it was the right thing for me since my feelings are coming back.

 

 

I would not tell your BH at this point. The chance of discovery is very low, like you said.

Let the emotions settle after NC and then after 6 months or so decide if you want to tell your BH to force him to change or leave the marriage or things are better for you emotionally with your H at that point.

 

You have to make these big decisions when you are emotionally ready and not in a panic or in affair fog.

 

I disagree with the bolded part. Insinuating the betrayed spouse is somehow responsible for being cheated on is just wrong. The affair is 100% on the person doing the cheating. Yes, there may have been marriage problems prior to the affair, but they did not lead to the affair. I look at it this way. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage where someone is 100% happy with their spouse 100% of the time. That being the case, using unhappiness to justify an affair is a cop out because at some point the other spouse was unhappy but they did not cheat.

 

Then, telling the betrayed spouse this devastating news in an attempt to modify their behavior is terrible. It's like saying hey, I stabbed you a couple hundred times in the back, and if you don't do xyz, I may do it again.

 

I advocate telling the betrayed spouse, regardless of whether one wants to try and rebuild the marriage or divorce. A betrayed spouse deserves the basic human decency of being told the truth about their lives. This notion of not telling them to "spare their feelings" confuses me. Telling them the truth is not what will hurt them... the hurt and devastation has already been caused by the affair itself. They are just living in ignorance not knowing they have a knife sticking out their back, and ignorance i not bliss. People do not want to tell because simply stated, they do not want to face the consequences, and as a consequence, they are willing to continue deceiving their spouses. No one in an affair ever thinks they will get caught.

 

I've said this before, and I will say it again. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you feel you had the right to know the truth of your life? If your spouse was with you but was pining for someone else would you not want to know that so you could chart your own course? If you feel you deserve those simple things, then extend the same courtesies to your spouse.

 

Trying to rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies and devastation is a fools errand. Walls have been raised that will only be demolished by the truth. It's impossible to share your life with someone while hiding such a devastating secret. That is no marriage, it's more of an arrangement that will leave you ready to have another affair, and the cycle continues.

Edited June 2, 2016 by malvern99

[Bdsmaffair]

You would leave your children for a random dude you met online?

 

That's how crazy I feel sometimes! I know it's insaine.

 

And he's not some random.

[Bdsmaffair]

Why don't you work as much as you spent time engaging in the cheating?

 

Work, work, work! Stay busy and occupied! You will also be rewarded by earning some money.

 

If you stay so busy you don't have a moment to think - you will have NO time to think of the OM.

 

Every spare moment not working can be focused on making a nicer life FOR your husband - you owe him that, at least.

 

This is a reasonable plan. But I have 6 weeks off coming up. Perhaps I should wait until after that? So that I can be distracted.

[Bdsmaffair]

Please get counseling. The fact you entertained leaving your kids is frightening. You said, "I don't want to end up alone", Ahem, you have a husband and kids, hello.

Time for being selfish is over. Go NC. Cut all ties. Focus on your family.

 

It's possible to have a husband and children and feel very alone. I know because I felt it for many years

[Jersey born raised]

If you are into BDSM as you indicated how has your husband not noticed the bruising on your body? He had to have noticed.

[Cymbeline]

It's possible to have a husband and children and feel very alone. I know because I felt it for many years

 

This is a bit of a cop out. Relationships with anyone are a two wayfarer. Something you are doing is contributing to this dynamic. The obvious one is the lying and hiding which precludes true intimacy . But there are probably others which led up to this.

[Bdsmaffair]

If you are into BDSM as you indicated how has your husband not noticed the bruising on your body? He had to have noticed.

 

You'd think so. But he's compleltly oblivious.

 

Bdsm isn't just whips and canes. There is a lot of other stuff

[Bdsmaffair]

This is a bit of a cop out. Relationships with anyone are a two wayfarer. Something you are doing is contributing to this dynamic. The obvious one is the lying and hiding which precludes true intimacy . But there are probably others which led up to this.

 

Maybe it is a cop out. But when something has been so it's hard to know how to change it.

[Cloudcuckoo]

My husband and I used to indulge our BDSM desires, and for a long time it was most satisfying to play out D/s scenes together.

 

Then he had a four year affair...

 

Everything changed, and you know I realised that all the time I was simply indulging HIS fantasies and sacrificing myself unwittingly, even though I'd been the one to start that fire, and I was the Dominant, he was the one who took it beyond a loving adventure and used it to indulge HIMSELF.

 

Without going into detail, sometimes that world can be so seductive it lulls one into a sense of belonging, but it has a insidious underbelly...

 

If you are the sub and this man has been your master, then he is master in ALL ways, including his own selfishness...

 

If your husband isn't interested in BDSM scenes, then you really do need to think about what your marriage means.

 

I wish you strength, patience and a happier future, whatever that might be.

 

Cuckoo

[Cymbeline]

Maybe it is a cop out. But when something has been so it's hard to know how to change it.

 

Yes, I understand what you say but if you have the resourcefulness to find and meet a bdsm lover, you can use the same resourcefulness to search for underlying patterns in the dynamic between you and your WH and see how you each contribute to your loneliness and whether it might be resolved. We just get complacent and lazy in marriage and are anything but in an affair it seems to me.

[ChickiePops]

That's how crazy I feel sometimes! I know it's insaine.

 

And he's not some random.

 

He was some random when you met him. And now you're considering abandoning your children for him.

 

This is not normal behavior, even for an affair..I'm actually worried for you. Have you suffered some sort of major trauma recently? Could this be the result of PTSD? Head injury? Brain tumor? I genuinely cannot wrap my head around a parent who would consider abandoning their own flesh and blood for sex. Something must be seriously wrong here.

 

It's definitely time to get yourself into some intensive counseling to figure it out.

[Confused9999]

I disagree with the bolded part. Insinuating the betrayed spouse is somehow responsible for being cheated on is just wrong. The affair is 100% on the person doing the cheating. Yes, there may have been marriage problems prior to the affair, but they did not lead to the affair. I look at it this way. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage where someone is 100% happy with their spouse 100% of the time. That being the case, using unhappiness to justify an affair is a cop out because at some point the other spouse was unhappy but they did not cheat.

 

Then, telling the betrayed spouse this devastating news in an attempt to modify their behavior is terrible. It's like saying hey, I stabbed you a couple hundred times in the back, and if you don't do xyz, I may do it again.

 

I advocate telling the betrayed spouse, regardless of whether one wants to try and rebuild the marriage or divorce. A betrayed spouse deserves the basic human decency of being told the truth about their lives. This notion of not telling them to "spare their feelings" confuses me. Telling them the truth is not what will hurt them... the hurt and devastation has already been caused by the affair itself. They are just living in ignorance not knowing they have a knife sticking out their back, and ignorance i not bliss. People do not want to tell because simply stated, they do not want to face the consequences, and as a consequence, they are willing to continue deceiving their spouses. No one in an affair ever thinks they will get caught.

 

I've said this before, and I will say it again. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you feel you had the right to know the truth of your life? If your spouse was with you but was pining for someone else would you not want to know that so you could chart your own course? If you feel you deserve those simple things, then extend the same courtesies to your spouse.

 

Trying to rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies and devastation is a fools errand. Walls have been raised that will only be demolished by the truth. It's impossible to share your life with someone while hiding such a devastating secret. That is no marriage, it's more of an arrangement that will leave you ready to have another affair, and the cycle continues.

 

 

Just to be clear.. I am not blaming the OP BH and did not blame my BW! I am just suggesting that only after the emotions are stable then OP should decide what to do and if marriage is not working for her to reveal all.

 

There are different thoughts on this. I believe that ignorance is bliss. You cannot unsay something.

Why tell you BS things that will destroy them if affair is over, things are going well with BS, and you want to move forward.

Only thing that it will do is create devastation and chaos needlessly.

 

I have learned from experience over the years that, as the movie once said, sometimes "You can't handle the truth". It's better to not know if it's in he past!!!

[malvern99]

I am sorry if I misinterpreted what you wrote. I see what you are saying about emotions, but you must remember that OP's BH is a real life person. Why must he be denied the opportunity to make decisions about his life in a timely fashion. If OP waits 3, 6, 12 months to tell him, that is time that her BH will never get back. Time is too precious a commodity to be stolen. You see, by unilaterally making decisions about the course of the marriage, OP is just continuing the selfishness that lead her down this path, and for what? She has been with this other guy for 5 years... that's longer than some marriages. You think 6 months from now she will just be over the other guy? I doubt it.

 

Why would anyone want to unsay the truth? Like I said earlier, telling isn't what hurts. The devastation is already present, yet one partner does not believe her BH deserves to know. Her affair is not over and can not be over until it is dragged out into the daylight. Can she ever truly reconnect with her BH with such a huge destructive secret? I doubt it. And what will she do if AP calls next week, next month or next year and says lets restart the A?

 

Telling the truth is more about accepting the consequences for our actions and accountability than anything else. I have seen people lose everything not because they had an affair, but because they did not respect their partners enough to man up and tell the truth. The lies are what hurt the most.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Just to be clear.. I am not blaming the OP BH and did not blame my BW! I am just suggesting that only after the emotions are stable then OP should decide what to do and if marriage is not working for her to reveal all.

 

There are different thoughts on this. I believe that ignorance is bliss. You cannot unsay something.

Why tell you BS things that will destroy them if affair is over, things are going well with BS, and you want to move forward.

Only thing that it will do is create devastation and chaos needlessly.

 

I have learned from experience over the years that, as the movie once said, sometimes "You can't handle the truth". It's better to not know if it's in he past!!!

 

 

From where I sit...the problem with this logic is that during an affair a WS will justify not being truthful to their BS for a myriad of "reasons".....and when/if an affair ends often end up with this same justification (do not want to cause hurt) as an excuse to continue to withhold the truth. In other words....a WS creates a world for themselves that under no circumstance will they ever be truthful to their BS. This type of logic reinforces deceit-type responses in the individual being deceitful. It also reinforces deceitfulness as a positive attribute (see...I am a caring individual because I don't want to hurt my BS).

 

In other words...while I am doing something wrong...I give myself permission to lie....and...when I stop the behaviour, I call it the "past" and also give myself permission to lie about it. It also gives a false sense of self(ie:lying to my BS is an act of protecting them) to self. As it is unlikely that a BS would view infidelity/lying as the WS being protective of the BS.

 

 

OP, the bottom line for just about all experts in the field of infidelity, is that if there was unprotected sex then the WS has an ethical duty to inform their BS.

 

I agree with all the posters that say get thyself into IC. You have many issues that you need to examine within yourself...white knuckling it probably isn't going to cut it.

[lemondrop21]

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert in BDSM, but I wonder if that makes the whole A dynamic even more intense and hard to break from. Aren't you effectively submitting yourself to this man psychologically (at least when you are involved in these "scenes" - I'm not sure if that extends to any other parts of your life)? To get out of the affair you are essentially going to have to do the complete opposite, asserting yourself and taking back control over your life. That sounds really, really tough. Best of luck to you and I hope you can find some additional support.

[Bdsmaffair]

Exactly that. Emotional control and well outside just scenes. Everything I've done has been run through him.

 

So complex.

 

Ive written the email. It's long and feels too messy. But I'm too scared to send it.

 

 

As for my husband. It's impossible for him to be unaware I think he chooses not to see. I will bring it up in MC once this is over.

[Jersey born raised]

Something to consider about your husband. He might be constrained as he sees you as a mother and an equal partner. Doing so makes it difficult to see you as a sub.

[malvern99]

As for my husband. It's impossible for him to be unaware I think he chooses not to see. I will bring it up in MC once this is over.

 

Just a word of caution. If you do decide to tell your BH, do not do it at MC. He will feel ambushed and manipulated. Sit him down, tell it true and tell it all.

 

If you don't mind me asking, whose idea was it to go to MC, and why are you doing it when the A is still ongoing. Can you truly open up and be honest with the counselor and yourself if you have not laid the truth bare?

[stilltrying16]

BDSMaffair, welcome. I'm glad you wrote that email and are working through the pain of NC. You did seem to be at risk for being emotionally swept away. I too am glad you found this forum. Posters will really try to help.

 

I did want to ask you if it makes sense for you to be in MC while your husband is being deceived about your affair. He's probably putting in effort that is completely futile because the marriage itself rests on a big lie. So maybe it's not the time for MC- instead, please consider IC for yourself whether or not you choose to tell. You really need support IMO in order to find yourself again, and I wish you the very best in finding it. In the meantime, though, please free your husband so that he too can heal from your marriage.

 

Just a general question for anyone who can answer: I thought that honesty and trust were non-negotiables for people in BDSM relationships. The idea is to own your choices. I remember hearing that cheating was actually quite rare in BDSM. So it surprises me OP that your MM had no problem pursuing an affair and hiding it from his wife till he was busted. Or that Cloud Cuckoo's H had a 4 year affair. And both MMs were masters- so isn't being a master supposed to be about self control and self discilpline? Only after achieving that can one presume to dominate someone else. I just am curious if these men saw a contradiction and felt any obligation to explain it.

[Jersey born raised]

There are so many BS on this board and others that refuse to see what is right in front of them. So their WS keeps right on going, until one day the BS starts posting and after about 5 to 7 pages finds the courage to admit what has occurred.

 

BSDMaffair, do not let him rugsweep. Own you actions, own who you are and don't play your husband or allow him to play a fool.

 

He will be fine in time and will find a woman who full fills him as you do not. And you find someone else too.

[bathtub-row]

Think about this -- MM probably wants you to break up with him so that he doesn't have to do it. What's your breaking point here where you stop being a slave to your emotions? How bad does this situation have to get? How much does he have to put you down in order for you to snap out of this?

 

I recall my breaking point. MM and I had been broken up for a few months but we had started talking again and he was trying to get back into my life. Then one day he mentioned that he and his wife had bought a house and were moving. I nearly came unglued. All the while he was schmoozing me, he was house hunting with his wife. And that was the end of the line for me.

 

Your MM's wife found out about the two of you and that was his opportunity to leave her. But he didn't. And he feeds you this BS about loving you. Where's the end of the line for you? How bad does he have to make you feel before you walk without questioning yourself?

 

Maybe you've invested 5 yrs into this guy, but what about the time you've invested in your marriage and family? I'll tell you a little secret -- as you get older, your marriage and family are going to be so important to you that you'll look back and wonder how on earth you could've risked it all.

[Els]

Just a general question for anyone who can answer: I thought that honesty and trust were non-negotiables for people in BDSM relationships. The idea is to own your choices. I remember hearing that cheating was actually quite rare in BDSM. So it surprises me OP that your MM had no problem pursuing an affair and hiding it from his wife till he was busted. Or that Cloud Cuckoo's H had a 4 year affair. And both MMs were masters- so isn't being a master supposed to be about self control and self discilpline? Only after achieving that can one presume to dominate someone else. I just am curious if these men saw a contradiction and felt any obligation to explain it.

 

Theoretically the BDSM community, like most others in the modern world, is against cheating, yes. But in the years that I spent in those communities, I've seen it happen quite a few times. While there is never an excuse for cheating (obviously, I think it's wrong), I can offer a hypothesis into what prompts it.

 

Most of the people I saw engaged in these affairs married young, while they still hadn't quite found themselves or realized what their BDSM desires were. So they end up in a mid-life crisis, with a marriage and a few kids that they can't bring themselves to give up... but yet with a powerful yearning for something that their spouse is not interested in.

 

Again, I'm not making excuses for them, but I understand the yearning completely. In many cases, a person who is strongly into BDSM cannot be satisfied by a vanilla relationship, much in the same way that a strongly homosexual person cannot be satisfied by a heterosexual relationship. I know I could never be. I am just fortunate that I found this out about myself before entering into a LTR. Those others who did not, they have a tough choice to make.

 

Regardless, it's just not right to deceive your spouse like that, no matter how compelling the reason. I sincerely hope the OP comes clean with her H.

Edited June 4, 2016 by Elswyth

[stilltrying16]

Thank you so much for the explanation, Elswyth. It makes complete sense and you're definitely not making excuses- while showing why things are so complex. I'm so glad the timing worked out in your situation. I can imagine how difficult it must be to be in a LTR where you need to maintain a false sexual identity. Glad you didn't have to be subjected to that.

 

I've actually wondered before if it would be like a gay person in a straight marriage with kids and other ties. Glad to know the analogy makes sense to a point.

 

How painful it must be overall. And I agree with you- it's still unfair to the vanilla partner being kept in the dark. Just as it would be terribly unfair for a secretly gay partner to turn a straight partner into a beard (more or less). And vice-versa! The poor partner in both instances is probably doing what they can to fix things, blaming themselves, being gaslighted and not realizing it. They need to be set free- unless they actually have been consulted and come up with some sort of arrangement that works for both.

 

Even in these situations I would be more critical of the BDSM partner who actually initiated the affair and the cheating. The novice sub is probably bewildered enough as it is, and it's awful to think of their trust also being abused.

 

And I'd have no respect for a self-proclaimed master who not only initiated a BDSM affair but also ran hot and cold with his sub and kept up long term lying to his/her vanilla partner.

 

OP, please do tell your H. Decide with him if you both should separate/ divorce or stay together but with no secrets. Then look for a more more honest BDSM partner.

Edited June 4, 2016 by stilltrying16