LoveNoLoss Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 As a refresher... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60051/ I am both a betrayed spouse and a wayward spouse. My husband and I have gone NC recently. I believe it is the best thing for the both of us. The thing is, I have realized lately that inspite of all that has happened, I still love him deeply. I miss him horribly. He lives one mile away from me.... I am have a neurological disorder which I have had for 9 years. I am finally going to a specialist this Monday for a bunch of tests... some of which will be very uncomfortable. I live alone and don't have a good support system. He was my shining star for years... I miss him horribly but he was a serial cheater for our entire marriage. We have both been in therapy (individual) for 7 months. I know he wants me back to give the marriage one last shot. Am I sick to love someone that cheated on me our whole marriage? I want to give our marriage another chance but I am so scared. I feel he has changed... I DON'T know if he has felt guilt..... Everything is a risk I know... But how do you live your life knowing that the ONE for you is out there? I am so conflicted... I don't want to be one of those people that always long for their lost love... or compare them to every single person that comes into my life... We were compatible in every way... we never fought... and I could tell him everything... he was thoughtful, caring.. loving... you name it... I know he would stick by me for the rest of my life.. even with a dibilitating disease... which I may have... Help?
jmargel Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 he was thoughtful, caring.. loving... you name it... No he wasn't. Cheating on you multiple times is NOT showing that. He may have been expressing those emotions but not truly feeling it at that time. Whether counseling worked? I don't know, glad you are both going. I would have a session or two with him and then talk to his counselor privately. Has he quit the band? Is he truly going to be there for you? Is he ready to SHOW action and just not speak it? Life is a risk in itself. We don't get an instruction manual when we are born. None of us here can tell you what to do, that is your decision alone. My best advice is to remember his past behavior, remember the communication problems you had on top of everything else. If you are seriously thinking about going back with him, before you do so, have a few sessions with his counselor or have him come to yours. And then to keep going to them as a couple if you decide to come together. If you don't the past patterns will return. With your health condition that's the last thing you need. The trust will take a long time to rebuild but it can only be rebuilt if you both SHOW each other, not just talk about it.
Author LoveNoLoss Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 he has quit the band. In fact, shortly after D-day he quit the band...... He is mostly a hermit now or at least I think so. It SEEMS he is ready to face the marriage and be a man instead of a lying and cheating bastard. Our D-day anniversary is in July.... Yes, I would talk to his IC before doing anything and in fact, I have suggested this to him before. I would actually like to do that now but since we are in NC, that is not an option. This is a very difficult time for me as I am having alot of pain and will be going through medical testing from hell. I don't have alot of friends as many of them came with my marriage.... ugh. I know it's a risky thing to do.... but.... he is the love of my life.... and if he can really be a man this time, then it would be worth it.
jmargel Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Then I would talk to him, ask him to talk to his counselor. Tell him you need to start this off slow and that you still don't trust him. Make him earn this back to you. If he truly loves you he will do whatever you feel is necessary. Let him know about your medical problems as well. Glad he quit the band and things associated to his cheating, make sure he stays that way. This is a lesson for him that hopefully he'll never forget. Hope your test go well. We'll all keep you in our thoughts
Pocky Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by LoveNoLoss Am I sick to love someone that cheated on me our whole marriage? No, in my opinion you aren't. I don't think you should let go of a marriage that you don't want to let go of just because it's what society would expect you to do. My husband forgave me for my affair and welcomed me back with open arms. Sometimes at night when he's sleeping, I'll lie there watching him and thank whatever allowed him to look past what I had done and see how much love we had between us. Cheating does not mean someone doesn't love you - we're human with human impulses and we make mistakes. If you love your husband, work through it and make it work with him. Don't give up, don't let him give up and make both of you cherish what you have. For some, infidelity is an absolute and they refuse to allow it to happen in any relationship. Many would rather sever that relationship than deal with the problems that infidelity causes. However, there are some people that refuse to let go of something they know is special, even with the problems, and they make it work. We've got several success stories on LS where infidelity occurred, but the marriage was saved. I wouldn't give up just yet.
Author LoveNoLoss Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 Even if he was a serial cheater throughout our marriage? I have heard so many say "all bets are off when this type of infidelity occurs"
Author LoveNoLoss Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 He knows about my medical condition. I aquired it about 5 months before I met him. He wanted to go to the medical testing with me but I told him I didn't think it would be a good idea. Even tho I want him there more than anything When I told my IC about this, he said "good choice, because he is the LAST person that should be giving you support!" I am not sure what he meant by that....
Pocky Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by LoveNoLoss Even if he was a serial cheater throughout our marriage? I have heard so many say "all bets are off when this type of infidelity occurs" You tell me. Is this something you can overcome? Just because so many people refuse to accept this behavior doesn't mean you have to do. Many people would have told my husband to walk instead of working on our marriage. Which will cause you more pain and suffering? To walk away and accept that he's not a part of your life and try to move on or go to counseling and work on rebuilding a marriage together? I was going to leave my husband - he did some things that were wrong - it lead to my affair (although I take full responsibility for it) - I was planning to move out and divorce. Then one day I woke up and realized that to leave would break my heart and would be harder on me than trying to make the marriage work. Thankfully, he felt the same way. Love isn't easy and sometimes it hurts us and sometimes those we love hurt us, but you can either give it one last shot or accept what life has given you and move away. Neither action makes you wrong - you do what's right for you. What is right for you?
jmargel Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Your counselor shouldn't be saying those things to you. He's giving you HIS opinion on the subject which IMO he shouldn't. People have overcome infeldelity. If you love someone and are committed to them and have learned from your mistake then you two can have a great life together. Each situation is unique.
Author LoveNoLoss Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 I love him dearly to this day. There is a part of me that says if at least I don't give it a chance, I won't know what the outcome will be and I know that will bug the crap out of me for a good long time. I have two huge hurdles.. one... I am not sure I can forgive someone that put my life in danger... ie unprotected sex with groupies who probably have also had unprotected sex with others. I didn't catch anything THANK GOD but I also know there are things that can take awhile to show up ie. human papilloma virus. I gurantee you he slept with one of those girls and she either has it or is carrying it because it's all too common. That means he is at least carrying the virus... whether is shows up is another story. I guess I would find out the hard way huh? He COULD have given me AIDS... is that forgivable? Of course he didn't but he acted in a completely CRAZY manner by putting me at risk..... who does that??? He was playing russian roullete with me and I didn't even know it. The second one was his lack of guilt... he NEVER had it the whole time. He claims he did but pushed it aside... this part worries me and I think this is the reason my IC is so hard on him. My IC has suggested that he might be a Narcissist.... not in the classic sense tho. I think either you have guilt or you don't. It's a very strong emotion. If you read my story, I had an affair as well and I lived with it for only two weeks before telling my husband. Those two weeks I was very ill from the guilt. I can't see how one could live with all that on their shoulders... so... it's the lack of guilt that frightens me...
Phileasfogg Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 My question would be why you think he is the love of your life? Is it because you've never had anyone 'better'. There could be better people out there, you don't know if you don't try. Did you really want to get back with him before you got ill? Sure it's hard being ill and being on your own but are you confusing wanting the 'security' of the past with love?
stressedout58 Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I am not sure I can forgive someone that put my life in danger... ie unprotected sex with groupies who probably have also had unprotected sex with others. I didn't catch anything THANK GOD but I also know there are things that can take awhile to show up ie. human papilloma virus. How many times did you have sex with the OM and your H? Did you have unprotected sex with the OM? How do you know if the OM did not have an STD to begin with? The second one was his lack of guilt... he NEVER had it the whole time. He claims he did but pushed it aside... this part worries me and I think this is the reason my IC is so hard on him. My IC has suggested that he might be a Narcissist.... not in the classic sense tho. I think either you have guilt or you don't. It's a very strong emotion. If you read my story, I had an affair as well and I lived with it for only two weeks before telling my husband. Those two weeks I was very ill from the guilt. I can't see how one could live with all that on their shoulders... so... it's the lack of guilt that frightens me... For all of your H's alleged lack of guilt about his 7 ONS, by your own admission he did a pretty good job of stopping while you with all your vaunted guilt continued with your affair, and probably still are, emotionally and sexually involved with the OM. Like it or not, your H also has very good reasons not to trust you.
Author LoveNoLoss Posted June 28, 2005 Author Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by stressedout58 How many times did you have sex with the OM and your H? Did you have unprotected sex with the OM? How do you know if the OM did not have an STD to begin with? For all of your H's alleged lack of guilt about his 7 ONS, by your own admission he did a pretty good job of stopping while you with all your vaunted guilt continued with your affair, and probably still are, emotionally and sexually involved with the OM. Like it or not, your H also has very good reasons not to trust you. I NEVER EVER PUT MY HUSBAND AS RISK AT ANY TIME. Period. How dare you question that of me when I am concerned myself for my overall health. I NEVER HAD UNPROTECTED SEX. My husband on the other hand did many times with numerous women throughout our marriage He only stopped because he got caught....
stressedout58 Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 I NEVER EVER PUT MY HUSBAND AS RISK AT ANY TIME. Period. How dare you question that of me when I am concerned myself for my overall health. I NEVER HAD UNPROTECTED SEX. My husband on the other hand did many times with numerous women throughout our marriage. You are not beyond reproach since you also had sex with someone who was not your spouse and are probably continuing to do so. Furthemore, if you truly are concerned about your health then why did you have and continue to have sex with the OM? FYI condoms can give some measure of protection but they are not foolproof and a person can still infect his spouse with an STD. He only stopped because he got caught.... So what? you didn't get caught and you still continued having 'protected' sex with the OM. You don't get browny points for that my dear. Look, you have every right to be angry about your H's extramarital sex and the possibility that he might have exposed you to a deadly STD, but why don't you turn some of that anger towards the person who looks at you in the mirror for she also exposed you to becoming infected with a life threatening STD and continues to do so whenever she goes to have sex with her OM.
Author LoveNoLoss Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 To: Stressout your postings are becoming beligerant....not worth my time... To Ol 2long, Is this 2long from Marriage Builders? wowzers... Thanks for the kind words.. you know you can always catch more bees with honey I never stopped loving my husband... he just made me #3, #4 or whatever number I was in his life.. I guess I just lost trust early on in our marriage when I caught him cheating.. and then a couple of years later.. I caught him again... boom.. trust was eroded.. I want to be with him but I can't.. I am just right now... but maybe down the road... when I am a stronger person as well...
Author LoveNoLoss Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 sorry to hear that you found out about your wife contacting OM. I don't know your total situation but it sounds like she has done this before? I think if I had gone through what you did (assuming it's alot and that you guys worked through previous issues) and found out my spouse was contacting OP after rebuilding.... that would be it for me but, that's just me. I can't imagine going through the crap all over again. That is obviously what I am terrified of.... Its been almost a year since my D-day. Not long enough to deal with anything after an 8 year long marriage falling apart. It's been very tough lately because I have been going through some major health issues. I have had neurological issues for 9 years now. I was just told by a neurologist yesterday that "it was all in my head" which has got my mom on a roll now about it too.... Needless to say, I don't really have anyone in my court. I know my husband would be.... He has been with me the entire time I have had this problem. It's been very difficult as we are now in no contact. I don't know where my heart is... I really don't. Most of the days, Im horribly lonely.... My work is very stressful by nature... and I lost alot of my friends via the marriage... hard to explain... My mother and I are on little speaking terms especially as of this morning because we got into a big argument about the "all in my head theory".... she thinks it is as well. Anyway, enough crap... Have you decided to fight for your marriage this time around? Do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you??? If indeed she feels that way altho from what you say it sounds like she does... LNL
Author LoveNoLoss Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 that nothing can happen until I leave OM. We are still together... I guess... who knows anymore.. Somedays I feel like running away from everything I know... But of course that is not realistic. Im sort of a lost child these days... wake up... go to work... stress out. .yes work is very stressful. Come home to 2 cats have a glass of wine and fall asleep... is this life? It is mine... I refuse to leave this city. This city is my love... my life... I spent many years in a place where I was unhappy. I love it here.. and I choose to live here.... OM wants me to move to where he is but I realized recently that it would make me a very unhappy girl. So, I choose to be here... Do I still love my husband... yes.. I do.. do I trust him? Hell no..... life sucks huh? LNL
RecordProducer Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 LNL, I am sorry for your health condition. I hope the tests will turn out okay. I don't see why you're posting here. You are able to forgive your husband and that's all that matters. But be prepared that he might cheat on you again. He is a rock star and lives this kind of life, he separates sex from love. If you knew he cheated and you never fought then you had a good marriage. If you felt happy in the marriage then why are we discussing his infidelity at all? If you're not cold why would you put your jacket on just because everyone else has put it on?
Author LoveNoLoss Posted July 19, 2005 Author Posted July 19, 2005 HI Record Producer, I knew he had EA early in the marriage but I didn't know he was boinking everything that moved. I will NOT be married to this kind of person. Forgiving him? Not sure about that. I am indifferent to him. He took my heart and shoved in the gutter for most of our marriage. He quit all his bands and wants me back. I still don't know if he is worthy of it. I don't want to live in constant fear he will cheat again. I deserve better...
RecordProducer Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 LNL, you started your thread in a different mood, you were saying that you never fought and he was great and everything... It sounded like you wanted him around because you fear the future as in how your health condition will develop. I see that you're actually bothered by his infidelity. I believe that some people may change their behavior in different circumstances. But you're the same woman and it's not very likely that he will stop sleeping around. Whatever you do, it must be what will make you happy in the long-term.
SoftDrink Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 you indicated you were both a wayward spouse and a betrayed spouse...so why is it all about you forgiving him? he should have to forgive you too. cheating is still cheating regardless of whether you have protected sex or not. how does he feel about all this? with your condition, it sounds like you need to chill out with the worrying and extramarital sex and concentrate on getting well.
BlkMtnNCGal Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Cheating is a very serious thing. I truly believe that habitual cheaters will do it again. People who have one night stands MAY never do it again. I would believe girl, in your best interest to find a new life with someone who respects your love. Someone who believes in the vows you took. Someone who won't bring sexual diseases into the home. My soon to be X is SUCH a player. I am glad to know how he really is. I know he does love me, but is incapable of being with one person. He is the sick one, not me. And if you're having health problems, he is just going to make them worse. I am certain you're not a stupid woman, but if you know he cheats more than once - I would RESPECT yourself, be good to yourself and live a healthy life. Believe me, there are plenty of fish on the sea. Someday, when you're ready - you will meet someone who you will most likely love even more than him. You will have to look at this relationship as a learning adventure - you've learned WHO and WHAT to avoid. Be good to yourself and live a truthful life - don't live always wondering what is being hidden. You'll only make yourself sicker. Good Luck. Christy
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