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Posted (edited)

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to give plenty of detail and information so you could fully understand the situation. I am a male seeking advice on a female with a 4 year old son. We are both 25 Years old.

 

 

So I have this girl who has a 4 year old son (who is special needs with cerebral palsy. Great, lovable kid) with a guy who she was with on and off for 6 years. This guy has been in and out of jail and on drugs. Both she and her family told me in detail all about him. He was abusive, he hit her, stole from her whole family, wrecked her cars, called her awful names, called their son "retarded", brought drugs around her and her son, very violent in general etc you get the idea of the type of person he is. I heard all of those things from her personally and her mom and brother. Her mom told me she used to wear long sleeves to hide bruises.

 

She said her son was terrified to be around him when he actually was. This girl is scared to death of him and her mom is scared of him (she told me herself). They said when he goes to jail, she says he's done with him for good, but when he gets out, she goes right back to him. One time she even begged her mom to move out of state just to get away from him. So 2 years ago he gets sent to prison for armed robbery on a subway and some other stuff. She's been away from him for 2 years and that's the longest she's ever been away from him. So in those 2 years she dated a few guys. She only ever found *******s, guys who would talk her up til they got what they wanted out of her then they would leave her. So then we met.

 

We hit it off really good. I could tell she had an emotional guard up because of what she's been through, it took her a little while to fully open up and let me in. She said I was different than any other guy she's ever met. She said I was thoughtful and sweet and caring etc I guess her knight in shining armor or whatever. So we both fell in love. She started letting me get close to her son. We went out to eat alot and on dates. I bought her alot of nice things (she never had a guy buy her anything nice, never had roses or flowers til she met me) I helped her financially with bills and diapers for her son, things like that.

 

I mean she wasn't helpless by any means, before we met she was a single mom living by herself getting by, I was just happy to help and I liked being there for her and supporting her. We started talking about a family of our own. She really wanted me to marry her, I caught her looking at wedding dresses and locations, stuff like that. She even wanted a kid of our own bad, when we had sex, she really wanted me to try for a kid, and when the test came back negative, I could tell she was disappointed. We talked about houses and future plans all the time, like it was pretty much guaranteed to happened with no worries.

 

She wanted me to move in bad she even made me my own key to her apartment and bugged me to move my stuff in. She would get upset when I had to leave at night and miss me when I was gone. She was insecure because of her past so she loved how I called her beautiful every day and couldn't get enough of her body. I could really tell this girl was into me. She wrote huge facebook posts about how much she appreciated me and loved me and how I was there for her and her son when nobody else was. Constantly posting pics of us on social media. She wanted me to get real serious with her son, like pick him up from daycare and she said I was basically his real dad and he looked up to me and loved me.

 

Everytime she talked about his real dad, she said she wasn't worried about him and she hoped he never got outta jail. She said it with such confidence. He wasn't supposed to get out until 2020, but he had a parole hearing in May. So we were doing great until 2 Sundays ago she was at her cousins house all day. She finally came home and acted completely different. I knew something was wrong immediately. I finally got it out of her that she found out he is getting out on parole July 1st of this year. She said she didn't know what to do but she had to let him see his son and asked if I was ok with it. I tried to talk her out of it but she said he would find her anyway and she said she was scared because he was crazy.

 

She said he would ruin our relationship and make her life hell if she was with another guy. I tried telling her she could take legal actions, get a restraining order, I even said we could move. She won't hear it. She said she's scared for me even. But she said she had to give him a chance with his son. She told me she needed time aND space to think. She would hardly talk to me. I finally went to her house and she told me basically we could never work out and she could never love me like I needed to be loved. She said she couldn't feel a connection with me. I think she's using that as an excuse to let me go. Trust me, I could tell she was all about a future with me.

 

She hated the thought of us breaking up, we came close one time because she did something (not cheat or anything but something petty and I overreacted) and she was so upset because she thought I was breaking up, she blew my phone up and drove to my house and waiting and apologized for a whole month. The thought of us breaking up really upset her. But yea she was all about marriage and a future and kids and she flipped a switch completely when she found out about her sons dad. After talking, she let it slip that her heart was still with him and she was still in love with him and she thought he might be changed.

 

She said it's because he's her first love and I wouldnt understand because a child is involved. I asked her what about all the tones he hurt her and the terrible things he did and she just blamed it on the drugs and she's kind of in denial. She's taking back what she told me before and what her mom told me, like oh he never hit me, oh I don't remember him called my son retarded. She's not seeing straight. I love the girl to death but she's so stubborn and hard headed and I can't get her to see straight. I tried talking to her mom and family about it but they said she always goes back to him when he gets out of jail.

 

And she always ends up rock bottom, he pisses her money away, messes her car up, and it's just not good.I'm worried sick about her and her son. She said she's not getting back with him but everybody knows she will. She said she at least needs closure with him but she'll give him a chance to change. I've tried and tried to talk to her, message after message, left notes at her house, bought her flowers and a $300 watch. She just gets mad. She won't write me back and last time I talked to her 2 days ago, she acted like she hates me, and I never did one wrong thing to her, I was always good to her and her son and she knows it.

 

She said she had to cut all ties with me and that we would never work out. I know she still has love for me but she's scared. She's erasing me and shutting me out and I don't know what to do about it. It's a shame that a future family has to be thrown away because some ******* is getting out of jail. She's making a mistake and she knows it but she is going to let it happen. I love her and her son with all of my heart and I care for them with everything in me, but I'm losing her and I wish there was something I could do.

 

She's a sweet girl with a huge heart and is an amazing mother, she's just insecure and stubborn. I would hate to have to let her go because of this. Should I wait until she gets hurt and hope she runs back to me? Is there anything that can be done to keep that guy locked up?

 

Does she really not love me anymore or is it just an excuse because she's scared and thinks she needs to be single when he gets out?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, please use them in the future
  • Author
Posted

I know it's alot to read but I really appreciate anyone's time

Posted

Dude, I didn't even read your post. Just the title. And I am 100% certain my advice would be the same: wave bye-bye and run like Hell the other direction. Okay gonna read it now.

  • Like 1
Posted

Ok I read it. Advice is still the same: turn and run away.

 

I will say your story is heartbreaking. But she's a battered woman and you're not gonna be able to fix her. She needs professional help to overcome that. He's like a drug to her. You can't change that. Get as far away from her as possible. She will hit rock bottom and seek you out. A safe port in a storm. You don't want to be a part of that.

 

Get away. Get away now.

  • Like 1
Posted

Folks, it's pretty easy to hit the 'alert us' button and advise moderation that a posting needs paragraphs or is otherwise unreadable. Barring that, either read the wall of text and comment or simply move on. Commenting on post structure is not topical nor helpful. An eagle-eyed moderator spotted the problem and edited the text. Thanks to them for that and I'll thank members in advance for their topical and enlightening advice.

  • Author
Posted

I was afraid I would get that answer. :( she really is an amazing girl with a huge heart and I care so much about her it kills me to know she's about to be hurt and hit rock bottom. I hate to see her go because I could tell she loved me and wanted a future with me and I wanted it too. Thank you for reading though I know it was alot

  • Author
Posted
Folks, it's pretty easy to hit the 'alert us' button and advise moderation that a posting needs paragraphs or is otherwise unreadable. Barring that, either read the wall of text and comment or simply move on. Commenting on post structure is not topical nor helpful. An eagle-eyed moderator spotted the problem and edited the text. Thanks to them for that and I'll thank members in advance for their topical and enlightening advice.

 

Thank you for that and I should've had paragraphs in the first place my mistake

Posted
I was afraid I would get that answer. :( she really is an amazing girl with a huge heart and I care so much about her it kills me to know she's about to be hurt and hit rock bottom. I hate to see her go because I could tell she loved me and wanted a future with me and I wanted it too. Thank you for reading though I know it was alot

 

As another member said previously, she really needs to solve her issues. I'm sure she's a nice girl and everything, but she obviously has a serious problem with her self-esteem. You see cases like that every day where a woman is abused by her man, they break up for a couple of days and they're immediately back at it. And many times, the outcome is tragic.

 

Also, you don't want to deal with a drug-using, jealous ex-convict. He might come out of jail a born-again christian or whatever, but chances are that he behaves even worse than before being locked up for two years. You don't want to be there when that happens. If he can call his disabled son "retarded", just imagine how he'll deal with you.

 

This situation has "problems" written all over it in big neon letters. And be ready for her to come back to you in mid-July, begging and showering you with emotional blackmailing when the guy shows his true colors. For the umpteenth time.

  • Like 2
Posted

This girl is bad news. The fact that she was with you less than two years, already has a 4 year old who you were helping her support, yet still wanted you to get her pregnant shows she doesn't make very responsible decisions. You're better off without her. Her ex probably will treat her poorly again, and she probably will try to get you back when she does. The smart move, should that occur, is to stay no contact and remember that she left you for this ex.

  • Like 1
Posted

"Don't save her. She don't want to be saved."

-
From that great philosopher Project Pat

You're projecting what you think she's thinking and feeling, but her actions say something different.

 

This woman's life is the result of choices she's made and continues to make.

 

You might want to pay attention to what is really going on rather than this fairy tale you have in your head.

  • Like 1
Posted

Oh, dear.

 

OP, you sound like a very kind person. I can tell you really care about her and her son. Sadly, you cannot fix her problems. She is still in that vicious cycle she's been in for years. For your own well-being, you really need to stay away. Stop sending gifts or trying to contact her. You have no idea what this other guy is capable of, or how she might spin this story around on you and paint you as some "crazy" ex who won't leave her alone.

 

I have a very strong suspicion she had/has been making promises to him that she would wait for him. In other words, I wonder if he still believes they are together in some capacity and doesn't know she's had another boyfriend at all. Just a hunch.

  • Like 2
Posted

You want to save her from herself but she doesn't want your help. She doesn't want to be saved.

 

Re-read your own post and take a look at her actions; not her words. What do you see?

 

You want to treat her well but she doesn't respond to that. Why do you think she apologized for a month?

 

The truth is sometimes very grim.

 

She is not leaving you because of some a.s.s.h.o.l.e. She is leaving you because she wants to.

Posted

You can't save or fix her.

 

Maybe ruin your life though.

 

Move on and never look back

Posted

Don't get trapped.

 

You were merely filling a void while her addiction was in jail.

If you are truly worried about the child call child services.

 

Otherwise use this an escape plan to get away from her and never look back.

 

These men manipulate women to the point where the life they live is no longer for themselves.

Posted

She sounds very codependent... I'm pretty sure that's why you felt those feelings from her.

 

By the sounds of it, if it wasn't you it would have been someone else until she found out her ex was getting out.

 

With all honesty, brotha, I'd drop it and find a girl with less drama and baggage so you can have a healthy relationship.

Posted

It's very sad, she's a distressed damsel under the thumb of an abuser....but if your love could fix her in time to make a difference, it would already have happened.

 

Should I wait until she gets hurt and hope she runs back to me?
No, that's not a good idea if you want to build a healthy relationship founded on mutual choice, trust and affection.

 

Is there anything that can be done to keep that guy locked up?
It's worth spending 30 minutes with a lawyer who can look up his criminal record and advise you on that. But since the state convicted him of armed robbery and is now letting him out, returning him to incarceration would require evidence of a new crime or a parole violation, if applicable. And violent felons don't like it when people do that.

 

Does she really not love me anymore or is it just an excuse because she's scared and thinks she needs to be single when he gets out?
It could be either, or just a tangled blend of the two that even she doesn't begin to understand. It could be 100% fear-based, in which case it's likely her fear is well-founded. She can only be helped to break free when she makes the decision she wants help, and that push shouldn't come from a romantic partner.
Posted

While I don't know this woman, it is no surprise that she would return to him. While he is abusive, he is the known factor. It's common to see women return to their abusers thinking that this time will be different, they can change them or it really is not that bad. I pray for the safety of her and her son that she sees what a loser this man is and that you are a good match for her. I'm sorry you have to see someone you care for so deeply go through such events.

Posted

T....she may be all that however at this time, she is emotionally unavailable. You need to move on and find someone who is available and just as amazing.

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