trueluV Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Hello, I, like everyone else here, am going through a rough period now and would appreciate to receive honest comments and encouragement...thanks in advance. My b.f. (not sure if i can call him this anymore) and I are thinking if we should continue the relationship or not, and we are both super confused and hesitating. we have been together for about 5 years and both in our mid 30's, and lately we've been having lots of arguments, and somehow he always thinks i caused the problem and i need to change. our arguments start from something very silly, but shift to something else later, and at the end i feel upset, he feels upset. we are both very stubborn and he is so rational and cold whereas i am the opposite. it's been very tense this past month that he brought up the "talk" and texted me he doesn't think this relationship with me is necessary anymore. i freaked out and told him at least can we talk, it would be painful to break up over a text. but no answer, so i thought that was that, but a week later he contacts me again and basically tells me he doesn't want to break up with me but he is concerned about our issues (which he thinks is my fault) and unless i change, there is no point of continuing. i apologized to him multiple times (even though it's not something i did wrong) and said it would be sad to break up with him and we need to put effort together to make this relationship happy. he replied and said he thought so too, but still the issues concern him. at this point, i don't know what i should do. all i know is it breaks my heart to think he will be gone from my life forever. all i can think of are the happy times with him. it's just very sad, a relationship, a once very happy one, could change so much over time. and needless to say the end of a relationship is always so painful and heartbreaking....and messy. i somehow feel like a fool for dragging this relationship. i don't know if it's healthy like this, to be blamed by all the time, to be pointed fingers at, but it is so painful and sad to think it's over with him. i'm not so strong and brave enough. i wish he could say too, that he's willing to put effort and continue with me. i want to be happy with him. that's all i want. but he's not saying any of those and not being so positive. i know i can't change a person's thought or a decision, but to accept and move on. in this case, he is hesitating too, and i can't cut it either. very frustrated and sad. thanks for reading. 1
keiji Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Well, I think the main problem here is the fact that he's not willing to admit his own flaws and his part in the relationship going down the hill. It's impossible for it to work while one part keeps pointing their finger at the other and denying any responsibility. The problems will always be there if it's not both that work on them. I went through that in my latest relationship and I'm sad to say that, after a period of break-up/makeup/break-up, there was nothing we could do about it. I think it's probably a problem of immaturity. It's much easier to blame you than accepting his active role in this crisis. He needs to grow up. 1
Conviction Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 What are the specific issues he's concerned about? Big issues that are just two different personalities that aren't compatible? Or small issues that can be corrected? 1
Author trueluV Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 I'd say both, but small issues specifically now, such as if he points out what he doesn't like about me or in other words "corrects me", why can't i just apologize and correct it and move on. Instead of saying sorry and correcting my behavior he doesn't like, I get upset first. I know I'm not so mature either, but somehow i feel humiliated and being scolded at, rather than he is giving me a constructive criticism, because he sounds upset already and the tone of voice and his facial expression changes. then he doesn't understand why I can't just apologize to him and tell him i'll correct it and move on, and he gets upset. this is the main issue now. but i feel it's not something he needs to angrily point out, that's why i simply get upset. something as silly as 'why didn't you finish your dish?' after a meal at a restaurant. i told him a reason why i couldn't finish, then he gets upset why i did that and can't i say sorry to him. then i don't understand why i need to say sorry to him for. so it goes on and on. i am not a perfect human being and i make mistakes, but i didn't think this is something he needs to scold me for. i don't know. maybe i could be wrong. 1
keiji Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 It doesn't sound like your problems are terrible. Perhaps you've reached that point where you're so worn away by the relationship that everything the other does is irritating? Maybe you just need some air, a little break. It's obviously risky, but if you're at that point were you can't stand each other for trivial things, things could get worse. 1
Author trueluV Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Yes, the problem itself doesn't sound so terrible, but because he doesn't like the fact i don't apologize to him first, he thinks I have a big issue and this can't be fixed. I told him i'm sorry for being so stubborn but can he be 'nicer' too when he feels the need to point out. but he replied how can I ask him to say it nicer when i'm the one creating the problem. then the finger pointing begins. i told him we both need to put effort to have a happy relationship. we both need to compromise. and i told him i want to be happy with him. but yet he hasn't replied to any of that and just telling me though he wants to be with me, the same problems will rise again, and eventually we'll break up. i wish he could just say he'll try too. 1
Conviction Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 I'd say both, but small issues specifically now, such as if he points out what he doesn't like about me or in other words "corrects me", why can't i just apologize and correct it and move on. Instead of saying sorry and correcting my behavior he doesn't like, I get upset first. I know I'm not so mature either, but somehow i feel humiliated and being scolded at, rather than he is giving me a constructive criticism, because he sounds upset already and the tone of voice and his facial expression changes. then he doesn't understand why I can't just apologize to him and tell him i'll correct it and move on, and he gets upset. this is the main issue now. but i feel it's not something he needs to angrily point out, that's why i simply get upset. something as silly as 'why didn't you finish your dish?' after a meal at a restaurant. i told him a reason why i couldn't finish, then he gets upset why i did that and can't i say sorry to him. then i don't understand why i need to say sorry to him for. so it goes on and on. i am not a perfect human being and i make mistakes, but i didn't think this is something he needs to scold me for. i don't know. maybe i could be wrong. Hm, I see both sides of this. I'll give you some perspective from where your BF is coming from, as I was in his exact shoes once. Please please don't mistake him pointing things out as just him making you out to be a bad person, or saying you're not good enough. What he's doing is basically a cry for help, a map so to speak. He's recognizing things that aren't working for him, and he's communicating that to you in hopes that you'll recognize it as well and work on it. He's doing it because he does care, and does want this relationship to work, if he didn't, he'd simply walk without warning. One of my biggest peeves with one of my exes was that I couldn't bring anything up, if I did, she would either give me the silent treatment, or just say "well I guess I'm just not good enough for you". It created a toxic situation, where A. I was afraid to bring anything up for discussion, not healthy. B. She would never listen to my cries for help and work on the things I was having difficulty with, she would simply say, "it's always something with me, I'm just not good enough" also not healthy. Now, I said that simply to put into perspective his side. I will note that it does sound like you are being open with him, and telling him you do respect what he's saying and vow to work on it, shame on him if he's not leaving it at that and allowing you time to work on it and kudos to you for hearing him out and telling him you'll work on it. I would say, you could work on not being combative from the get go, as that just puts fuel to the fire, but other than that, I think you are doing great by respecting what he's saying, and vowing to work on it. I just reread your post, and missed the part about the plate not being finished. I'll leave what I wrote, because that perspective may be useful in the future to you, but getting on you for not finishing your plate? Wow, that is ridiculous. He sounds more like your dad than anything, I wouldn't put up with that. I'd be having a serious convo with him, explaining you don't appreciate being scolded for things a 4 year old would be scolded for. It's time for HIM to work on something and change a behavior of his for you. 1
Myforkintheroad Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 You said something important here. That you don't know if it's healthy to live like this. It's not. That's your gut telling you it's not healthy. I know it's devastatingly heart breaking to let go of a person and relationship you've invested so much time and love into but please hang on to this perspective while you're navigating this difficult time...that he's no longer meeting your needs either.
Satu Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Trow in the towel and end it. It's not worth living with this kind of tension and disharmony.
Author trueluV Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Thanks for your comments and providing me with a different point of view on this situation. it does help me see things objectively. I just wish relationships and human emotions could be that simple, to understand and to move on. but it's not, and somehow i know it in my head this might not be a healthy relationship and it might be better to end the relationship, but it's so hard to and it just breaks my heart to think of that. I am not in my teens or twenties and thought I learned from my past relationships and I am stronger now, but breaking up is just as painful and hard as those times. i go through a roller coaster of emotions a day- and when i feel down, it's uncontrollable and i feel like it's the end of the world. It just feels so sad all the happy times with him will be gone. We started out as friends, best friends for a year or two and moved onto something more and overcame long distance relationship, and was planning to get married and even checked the rings out. but from the past month or so, we've been having quarrels nonstop and he told me this marriage idea is not going to work. It felt like a rejection to me, but somehow I can't let go... I am holding onto something that might have no future and no hope. i wish i could cry and things will get better, sometimes i wish this is just a dream.
Recommended Posts