elaine567 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Dump 2 so you don't break his heart down the road then date 1 until you get him out of your system. He sounds completely awful but people tend to learn the hard way. Yes, that is a valid suggestion as all I see for poor #2 is heartache ahead anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 i think I should give guy 2 a chance though. I would feel very sad if I were to break up with him so soon as I feel he does have long term potential. Guy 2 does try to please me in bed and he is enthusiastic. Guy 1 does not try. Guy 1 only lasts for about 5 mins in bed anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 I have a solution for you. First, It's wrong to compare between them, because I don't think, technical comparison is the right way to decide when it comes to love and relationship. After you broke up with guy #1, and started a relationship with guy #2, the only reason to go back is if you can't sleep at night because you miss #1 so much, and you cry a lot and know for sure you made the biggest mistake of your life. If it's not so strong, there is no point going back. BTW, i couldn't find in all this thread the word LOVE. As if you don't recognize this word as a factor in a relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 I have a solution for you. First, It's wrong to compare between them, because I don't think, technical comparison is the right way to decide when it comes to love and relationship. After you broke up with guy #1, and started a relationship with guy #2, the only reason to go back is if you can't sleep at night because you miss #1 so much, and you cry a lot and know for sure you made the biggest mistake of your life. If it's not so strong, there is no point going back. BTW, i couldn't find in all this thread the word LOVE. As if you don't recognize this word as a factor in a relationship... Guy 1 has never said 'I love you' to me. I have to ask him 'do you like me?'and he says 'yes'. I some times think I am in love, but I also hold myself back since he is unsuitable. Guy 2 I've only dated for a month. So technically about 10 dates in. He said 'I love you' around the 4 th time we saw each other. But I heard that in French culture they say it with the same significance as 'I like you'. I say 'I love you' back to him. I think it's still early days to truly feel love. But yes love is a big factor too, but I wouldn't let it cloud my judgement of a good partner. Otherwise I would be with guy 1 as I 'love' him Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Guy 1 has never said 'I love you' to me. I have to ask him 'do you like me?'and he says 'yes'. I some times think I am in love, but I also hold myself back since he is unsuitable. Guy 2 I've only dated for a month. So technically about 10 dates in. He said 'I love you' around the 4 th time we saw each other. But I heard that in French culture they say it with the same significance as 'I like you'. I say 'I love you' back to him. I think it's still early days to truly feel love. But yes love is a big factor too, but I wouldn't let it cloud my judgement of a good partner. Otherwise I would be with guy 1 as I 'love' him So the dilemma is not between #1 or #2. The dilemma is whether to continue with guy #2 or not, because guy #1 is history. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 So long as you have the “ghost” of Guy 1, this unresolved longing and wish that he had been different than he actually was, I don’t think you can even see Guy 2 fully and be open to loving him. I don't think you want Guy 1 but the wishing still has a hold on you. Resolve the wishing and see Guy 1 clearly and honestly and that might clear and purge you of Guy 1 freeing you to see how you feel about Guy 2. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 So long as you have the “ghost” of Guy 1, this unresolved longing and wish that he had been different than he actually was, I don’t think you can even see Guy 2 fully and be open to loving him. I don't think you want Guy 1 but the wishing still has a hold on you. Resolve the wishing and see Guy 1 clearly and honestly and that might clear and purge you of Guy 1 freeing you to see how you feel about Guy 2. You're right. And the more I talk on LS to you wise people, the more clearly I am thinking. And the more time I spend talking to guy 2 the more I forget about guy 1 I think maybe the best way is to just not think about guy 1 or look at his photos. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 (edited) Or you could be dating neither and remain single until you've figured exactly what you want from a relationship. Edited June 2, 2016 by PrettyEmily77 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 i think I should give guy 2 a chance though. I would feel very sad if I were to break up with him so soon as I feel he does have long term potential. Guy 2 does try to please me in bed and he is enthusiastic. Guy 1 does not try. Guy 1 only lasts for about 5 mins in bed anyway. Ok, so guy 1 isn't even trying in bed. So I'm guessing you must have very little attraction to guy 2 if you find guy 1 turns you on more. I don't think "training" guy 2 is the answer, I just don't think you are that attracted. Side note, maybe it's me but I find that term a bit offensive. We are not dogs. Finish with guy 2, forget about guy 1, go be single for a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 You're right. And the more I talk on LS to you wise people, the more clearly I am thinking. And the more time I spend talking to guy 2 the more I forget about guy 1 I think maybe the best way is to just not think about guy 1 or look at his photos. Burn them. Perform a ceremony burning them and saying, "You were cold and mean to me. I'm done with you. I'm done with people who are mean to me." Maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Neither are right to settle with. Keep spinning plates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 Ok, so guy 1 isn't even trying in bed. So I'm guessing you must have very little attraction to guy 2 if you find guy 1 turns you on more. I don't think "training" guy 2 is the answer, I just don't think you are that attracted. Side note, maybe it's me but I find that term a bit offensive. We are not dogs. Finish with guy 2, forget about guy 1, go be single for a bit. I'm not sure, because at the start I didn't like guy 1either. But over time we got to know each other I liked him more. Even though he doesn't try in bed, i am still okay wth that, I just like his shoulders. Guy 2 maybe attraction would build with time? At the start I thought he was very cute and that's why I gave him my number. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 You're right. And the more I talk on LS to you wise people, the more clearly I am thinking. And the more time I spend talking to guy 2 the more I forget about guy 1 I think maybe the best way is to just not think about guy 1 or look at his photos. Serious question: do you think of Guy 1 when you're having sex with Guy 2? Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 Everyone tells me that guy 2 is a way better guy, but I can't get guy1's hotness out of my head even though guy 1 makes me cry sometimes with frustration and when he is being selfish. I don't know which guy I should see for longer. Can anyone help? Thanks. It is guy #1's behavior that is turning you on. Having kids with a man who would be a terrible dad is a grotesquely bad decision. Also, marrying a man who is self centered and full of apathy is almost guaranteeing a divorce in the future. I'm not saying marry guy #2, but guy #1 just sounds like he is turning you on with distant, apathetic behavior. That may be fun for dating, but who could live with someone like that for the rest of their lives? Not me. I'm concerned that you would even consider guy #1 for marriage. You need to do some serious self reflection on what you want out of life and a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 3, 2016 Author Share Posted June 3, 2016 Serious question: do you think of Guy 1 when you're having sex with Guy 2? I hate to say it but during the sex no, because he feels so different and I have my eyes open. However I sometimes do, when I am trying to turn myself on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 3, 2016 Author Share Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) It is guy #1's behavior that is turning you on. Having kids with a man who would be a terrible dad is a grotesquely bad decision. Also, marrying a man who is self centered and full of apathy is almost guaranteeing a divorce in the future. I'm not saying marry guy #2, but guy #1 just sounds like he is turning you on with distant, apathetic behavior. That may be fun for dating, but who could live with someone like that for the rest of their lives? Not me. I'm concerned that you would even consider guy #1 for marriage. You need to do some serious self reflection on what you want out of life and a marriage. Possibly. His distant behaviour eg not smiling, not being sweet or kind, could be making me crave his attention more? Never really thought of that. Any possible link to how my dad was when I was growing up? He was the uncaring and unfeeling sort too. I would hate to be drawn to that type of man. Trying to have a good partner and fight against chemistry with guy 1 by trying a nice guy. Edited June 3, 2016 by Leyee Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 Any possible link to how my dad was when I was growing up? He was the uncaring and unfeeling sort too. I would hate to be drawn to that type of man. Trying to have a good partner and fight against chemistry with guy 1 by trying a nice guy. That is a good observation about your dad. It could very well explain the high attraction to guy #1. Being consciously aware of that can never hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 Guy #2 sounds better and I see that you are worried about chemistry with him. I think all us have been there before and it's worth giving these guys a chance sometimes. There is a limit. You could give him a chance and see how you get on as you are not promising to marry him and there is nothing wrong with starting off slowly. If however when being honest with yourself, you are even put off by the thought of kissing him at all then he is really just a friend. You have to think about why you feel a sense of discomfort about making this decision. It may also be that you need to detox from Guy #1 or maybe that you need a bit of a break from dating, work out your priorities and then reenter the dating field. Anyway I can completely relate to your question and nothing ever quite fits - either he's not a good guy and electrifying chemistry or he's a great guy and zero chemistry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 3, 2016 Author Share Posted June 3, 2016 That is a good observation about your dad. It could very well explain the high attraction to guy #1. Being consciously aware of that can never hurt. Possibly. My mother was in a very unhappy marriage as my dad was very unfeeling and unempathetic. They divorced when I was 18. I have been in a relationship prior to this for 6 years 22-28 years old with a guy I had a lot of chemistry with and we thought we were soul mates. However eventually after 3 years the chemistry did wear off and attraction faded. Even though he was a great guy I didn't find him attractive anymore. I fear that chasing chemistry is only temporary, and I fear I only have chemistry with uncaring men? then I can never have a guy with amazing chemistry plus amazing inside too Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 Possibly. My mother was in a very unhappy marriage as my dad was very unfeeling and unempathetic. They divorced when I was 18. I have been in a relationship prior to this for 6 years 22-28 years old with a guy I had a lot of chemistry with and we thought we were soul mates. However eventually after 3 years the chemistry did wear off and attraction faded. Even though he was a great guy I didn't find him attractive anymore. I fear that chasing chemistry is only temporary, and I fear I only have chemistry with uncaring men? then I can never have a guy with amazing chemistry plus amazing inside too I'm sad to hear that about your parents, but it is highly predictable. That is an incredibly difficult kind of marriage to keep alive. It sounds like maybe you need to fix your relationship with your Dad, or spend more time with him. It may help pull you away from these guy #1 types who are possibly just lame placeholders for him. I wish you well. Everyone on here wishes life was easy and that relationships could be uncomplicated, but I think we have all found that to be untrue. Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 Nobody says you have to settle down, or be monogamous, with anyone for the rest of your life. You can explore polyamory, open relationships, multi-dating, and swinging. Don't limit yourself to the monogamy paradigm. Keep up with Guy 2, and start dating around to see what else is out there. Just be honest and upfront about what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 3, 2016 Author Share Posted June 3, 2016 I'm sad to hear that about your parents, but it is highly predictable. That is an incredibly difficult kind of marriage to keep alive. It sounds like maybe you need to fix your relationship with your Dad, or spend more time with him. It may help pull you away from these guy #1 types who are possibly just lame placeholders for him. I wish you well. Everyone on here wishes life was easy and that relationships could be uncomplicated, but I think we have all found that to be untrue. My relationship with my dad has improved tremendously after I became an adult. I grew up believing he was uncaring because my mother also told me that he was. He is actually visiting me today (he lives overseas) and tonight he is meeting guy 2. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leyee Posted June 5, 2016 Author Share Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) I think I will have to leave guy 2 since after a while of knowing each other I have declining attraction for him, despite he has a good personality. He is good on paper, but I noticed that I feel reluctance to go and see him. I am not into skinny types and he is too skinny and his body is just unattractive to me. I get turned off by the thought of kissing him Guy 1 is too unemotional for me. But at least I felt really excited to see him and wouldn't mind travelling long distances just to cuddle for the night. Guy 3 is probably my best bet. Edited June 5, 2016 by Leyee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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