Serious difficulty choosing between two guys

[Leyee]

Hi guys. I am a 29 year old female. would love to get some advice on which guy to choose:

 

Guy one- 40 years old. Dated for one year. Tall, nice body, super attracted to him physically and sexually. A lot of chemistry and I just love his body and face. Personality wise- we have similar tastes in food, we get along, but often the conversations dont flow as he is very quiet and mostly says 'okay', 'dunno', 'possibly'. He doesn't understand how I feel most of the time, is not romantic in the slightest (when I say 'I miss you', he will say 'I see'), and can be quite self centred and inconsiderate sometimes (but he doesn't realise it). He hasn't had a relationship before mine which lasted longer than a few months. He has only dated a few girls and doesn't really approach women that much. He wants to settle down soon and have a family. I feel that he wouldn't be a very caring partner or a good dad (he doesn't really talk a lot, and isn't very empathetic. He also doesn't like to look after children and doesn't keep in touch with his family or friends). When we sit together for meals, there's a lot of awkward silences. But over the one year I have grown to appreciate his honesty, loyalty, straightforwardness and also I find him to be very attractive on the outside. He's dated me for one year but he hasn't said I love you or anything to that sort, even though he is physically affectionate he is not verbally affectionate (no pet names, no I miss you, I love you, you're so pretty,etc). He moved away and we decided to take a break but keep in contact.

 

Guy two- 28 years old (my age) Dated for one month. He is the exact opposite personality wise to the above guy. Very intelligent (emotionally as well), very kind and gentlemanly, so super considerate, interested in my job and my family, we can talk about anything. He looks out for me, tries to fix things for me, make my life better. He also insists on paying for dinners and food etc. He has dated me for a month and he says he is serious about us and wants us to spend more time together to see if we have long term potential. He is also very caring and loving to his family and extended family, friends etc. He loves to text me and call me. He can be funny, and he also loves to teach people. He would make a brilliant partner and an amazing father. But as for chemistry, i am not as crazy for him as I am with guy 1. This guy is very handsome, but I don't feel as hot for him as I do with guy 1. We also have different tastes in food.

 

Everyone tells me that guy 2 is a way better guy, but I can't get guy1's hotness out of my head even though guy 1 makes me cry sometimes with frustration and when he is being selfish.

 

I don't know which guy I should see for longer. Can anyone help? Thanks.

[kztar]

Guy two is clearly better, but I totally feel for you on this guy #1. Just know this guy won't satisfy you emotionally. Try to cut that cord NOW. It will only bring greater problems later on.

[Larryville]

He doesn't understand how I feel most of the time, is not romantic in the slightest

 

Big red flag and the fact that you recognize NOW should not be ignored.

 

Favor the man who makes you feel the most secure in their feelings for you, and who seems to be on the same page as you.

 

Very intelligent (emotionally as well)

 

A man with a high EQ is more likely to evolve with you, assuming that a relationship is your ultimate goal…

 

Also remember your choice is not binary, nor is it permanent. Yup you’re deciding on two men, but that doesn’t mean that these are the only two men on the planet. Keep options open.

 

Very intelligent (emotionally as well)

 

Dating someone dumb or mentally vacant is a disaster and your “honeymoon period” comes much quicker when you run out of things to talk about and the relationship stops evolving.

[Poutrew]

You have no long term skin in the game with guy #2. It has only been a month and you are both on your best behavior - the honeymoon phase hasn't even begun. Guy #1 has the staying power and has proven himself far longer than guy #2. Alack and alas, the decision has probably already been made for you - as you are on a 'break' from guy #1, it sounds like no matter the reason you are on a break from him, he is using the break to find a more mature woman who doesn't get all googly-eyed like a hormone filled teenager... and when he finds her, you are distant history.

[Leyee]

You have no long term skin in the game with guy #2. It has only been a month and you are both on your best behavior - the honeymoon phase hasn't even begun. Guy #1 has the staying power and has proven himself far longer than guy #2. Alack and alas, the decision has probably already been made for you - as you are on a 'break' from guy #1, it sounds like no matter the reason you are on a break from him, he is using the break to find a more mature woman who doesn't get all googly-eyed like a hormone filled teenager... and when he finds her, you are distant history.

 

I don't know what you mean by finding a more mature woman. But he says he is looking for someone 'low maintenance' and will look after him, and young enough to give him children. The break was my decision and not his. He wants to stay together because he said its 'too much work to find a new girlfriend' and that he likes me.

[Leyee]

Big red flag and the fact that you recognize NOW should not be ignored.

 

Favor the man who makes you feel the most secure in their feelings for you, and who seems to be on the same page as you.

 

 

 

A man with a high EQ is more likely to evolve with you, assuming that a relationship is your ultimate goal…

 

Also remember your choice is not binary, nor is it permanent. Yup you’re deciding on two men, but that doesn’t mean that these are the only two men on the planet. Keep options open.

 

 

 

Dating someone dumb or mentally vacant is a disaster and your “honeymoon period” comes much quicker when you run out of things to talk about and the relationship stops evolving.

 

Yes I plan on keeping my options open. Guy number 2 realises it is still early days and he is realistic about it. He wants to spend more time together to see if we are compatible. He isn't very clingy but he likes me a lot.

[PegNosePete]

You've been dating guy #1 for A YEAR? And you've just started dating guy #2, 1 month ago?

 

Does guy #2 know that you have a long-term boyfriend and that you're cheating on him?

[Larryville]

Does guy #2 know that you have a long-term boyfriend and that you're cheating on him?

 

My bad that went over my head…. Oops

 

But this is what happens when guys…

 

He doesn't understand how I feel most of the time, is not romantic in the slightest

 

In another thread was stated that what is important to women is “how you make them feel”

[Mrin]

He wants to stay together because he said its 'too much work to find a new girlfriend' and that he likes me.

 

Quality dude there.

 

My soulmate would walk through fire for me. She would sell her house and give me her life savings if I asked her to. She would debase herself in the most vile of ways if I ever wanted her to. She loves me that much. And I love her that much too.

 

But I am pretty sure that if I said those words to her, she'd be gone in a New York minute.

 

All that aside: Ok, Dude #1 is bad news. You know it. He just had your number sexually. Dude #2 sounds like a great guy. But not as much sexual chemistry there. Two thoughts for you:

 

1. Is it possible that you can't build this chemistry with dude #2 until dude #1 is out of the way? I don't know how you tick but is that a possibility?

 

2. Obviously dude #2 is the better choice. But that doesn't rule out dudes 3, 4 and 5.

 

The one thing I know is that unless you clear the space by getting rid of dude #1, you're never gonna know...

[Leyee]

You've been dating guy #1 for A YEAR? And you've just started dating guy #2, 1 month ago?

 

Does guy #2 know that you have a long-term boyfriend and that you're cheating on him?

 

Yes I broke up with guy 1 just before I started dating guy 2. And guy 2 knows about guy 1.

I broke up with guy 1 because I knew we were not compatible on the inside and the relationship had given me a lot of grief in that year. And guy 2 is a much better prospect for the future so I wanted to give that relationship a try. Guy 2 is so much kinder, considerate and generally a much much nicer person.

I think guy 2 is very handsome, but chemistry- wise I had more with guy 1. Guy 1 I just wanted to take his clothes off all the time, but conversations wise it was very dull. With guy 2 I like to talk to him more and doing things together, but I don't feel as sexually attracted to him as to guy 1. And sometimes I just wish that I could combine the two guys together. Guy 1's physical attributes with Guy 2's personality.

[Leyee]

Quality dude there.

 

My soulmate would walk through fire for me. She would sell her house and give me her life savings if I asked her to. She would debase herself in the most vile of ways if I ever wanted her to. She loves me that much. And I love her that much too.

 

But I am pretty sure that if I said those words to her, she'd be gone in a New York minute.

 

All that aside: Ok, Dude #1 is bad news. You know it. He just had your number sexually. Dude #2 sounds like a great guy. But not as much sexual chemistry there. Two thoughts for you:

 

1. Is it possible that you can't build this chemistry with dude #2 until dude #1 is out of the way? I don't know how you tick but is that a possibility?

 

2. Obviously dude #2 is the better choice. But that doesn't rule out dudes 3, 4 and 5.

 

The one thing I know is that unless you clear the space by getting rid of dude #1, you're never gonna know...

 

Haha yes there is a chance to cultivate some chemistry if I got rid of guy 1 from my head. it would help if I wasn't looking at his photos and and admiring his face. I am hoping that the beauty of guy 2's personality will make me forget about guy 1's hotness (but crap personality)

[Conviction]

To be blunt, you're crazy to pass up guy #2.

[Leyee]

To be blunt, you're crazy to pass up guy #2.

 

Yes I know. He is absolutely amazing. He treats his family so well, is so loving and caring towards them. I've never met a better guy before and he has already shown a lot of love and care towards me. He learns and plays songs for me on his guitar too. And burns CDs for me. I know I would be crazy to pass him up for guy 1 who was really self-centred and also dull,but I can't help but miss the sexual chemistry with guy 1.

[Conviction]

Yes I know. He is absolutely amazing. He treats his family so well, is so loving and caring towards them. I've never met a better guy before and he has already shown a lot of love and care towards me. I know I would be crazy to pass him up for guy 1 who was really self-centred and also dull,but I can't help but miss the sexual chemistry with guy 1.

 

You're basing guy #1 off of lust. Understandable, I'm certainly not blaming you or saying your bad for it. Sounds like he'd be good for a hookup, but horrible as a life long partner. It depends on what you want right now. Do you want a hookup buddy? Or a potential life long relationship?

[Leyee]

You're basing guy #1 off of lust. Understandable, I'm certainly not blaming you or saying your bad for it. Sounds like he'd be good for a hookup, but horrible as a life long partner. It depends on what you want right now. Do you want a hookup buddy? Or a potential life long relationship?

 

I want a life long relationship. I know that guy 1 would be a terrible partner and hands off father. He even said he wouldn't be a good one. But I can't help but feel jealous of any future woman he ends up dating(even though he has a terrible track record of relationships- none lasting more than a few months and he doesn't do random hookups. It's like other women don't want him). I love the thought of guy 2 being my partner and also the dad of my future kids. Because he is just so loving and caring. I could see a future together.

[Leyee]

You're basing guy #1 off of lust. Understandable, I'm certainly not blaming you or saying your bad for it. Sounds like he'd be good for a hookup, but horrible as a life long partner. It depends on what you want right now. Do you want a hookup buddy? Or a potential life long relationship?

 

I want a life long relationship. I know that guy 1 would be a terrible partner and hands off father. He even said he wouldn't be a good one. But I can't help but feel jealous of any future woman he ends up dating(even though he has a terrible track record of relationships- none lasting more than a few months and he doesn't do random hookups. It's like other women don't want him).

 

I know it's early days but from the way he cares and acts wth his nieces and nephews, it's a really sweet thought when I think of him being the father of my kids. Whereas I would hate to have guy 1 to be the father of my kids.

[Conviction]

I want a life long relationship. I know that guy 1 would be a terrible partner and hands off father. He even said he wouldn't be a good one. But I can't help but feel jealous of any future woman he ends up dating(even though he has a terrible track record of relationships- none lasting more than a few months and he doesn't do random hookups. It's like other women don't want him).

 

I know it's early days but from the way he cares and acts wth his nieces and nephews, it's a really sweet thought when I think of him being the father of my kids. Whereas I would hate to have guy 1 to be the father of my kids.

 

You've answered your own question. Go for guy #2, and leave #1 in the dust. You'll forget all about him when you're happy, together with #2.

[PogoStick]

Passion is equally important in my opinion. Sounds like you should be looking for guy #3.

[BaileyB]

No doubt, guy #2 is the best long term partner. There is so much more to a relationship than a hot body and sex. Option #1 sounds like a terrible partner and I would run, not walk into the arms of guy #2.

 

But, that's just my humble opinion.

[Acerboy]

This got me rolling on the floor laughing.

 

Today, I accepted the fact that women dont know what they want. I have been in denial for far too long.

 

HAHAHA

[Dork Vader]

Why in the world would you want to be in a relationship with a man that is staying with you because it's to much work to find another girl friend...

 

I would never say that to a woman I was in a relationship with. It sounds like Guy number 1 is still single for a reason.

 

I've never understood the "i can't decide between 2 guys/girls" thing. If they can't keep my attention that early in a relationship, how in the hell are going to do it when/if we get married? If I have a desire to see someone else, it means I'm not getting everything I need in a relationship and need to either fix the relationship or move on.

[BaileyB]

Why in the world would you want to be in a relationship with a man that is staying with you because it's to much work to find another girl friend...

 

I would never say that to a woman I was in a relationship with. It sounds like Guy number 1 is still single for a reason.

 

Absolutely! My thought exactly when I read the original post!

[Miss Peach]

I dated a guy like #1. He was emotionally distant. Even though he gave me all he was capable emotionally it wasn't enough. In the end we just weren't compatible enough.

 

I would go with #2 if I was pressed to choose as long as you have some chemistry with him. He sounds like the better catch. The things your listed as negatives IMO aren't that important to long term compatibility.

[Grapesofwrath]

Move Guy #1 out of the picture and focus on Guy #2. As your feelings for him grow, so will your perception of him as a super-hot catch. It's amazing how that happens. The more you care about him, the cuter he gets.

[katiegrl]

He wants to stay together because he said its 'too much work to find a new girlfriend' and that he likes me.

 

OMG hun that is insulting.....

 

I think you know what to do here but because he's so hot and the chemistry so intoxicating, you will end up choosing to settle for this crap, which again is just downright insulting.

 

If a man I was dating ever said this to me.... he would be nexted immediately.

 

Think more highly of yourself, have more self-respect.