Grapesofwrath Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Tiger: First, let's thank him for showing you more about who he is. This will save you a lot of time because you are going to get some crucial information about who he is and what' he's about. While not generally a fan of "game playing" I think Katie has a point here. Don't text or call again until you hear from him. When you do, then it's a SHORT and simple conversation: "I need to get something off my chest. I felt insulted and demeaned when you extended your trip--whereby cancelling our plans--without giving me a heads up. It felt disrespectful of me and my time." That's it. Not yelling. Not haranguing. No tears. Just a simple, straight, direct statement of your feelings. Then you see how he reacts. As a previous poster said: defensive or contrite? Do you get an apology or does he try to shift the blame on to you? The response will give you your answer about this guy.
kendahke Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 I'm saying something. this is beyond not okay. I don't even care about looking like a bitch because this was an incredibly immature, dickhead move. He may have been baiting you into exactly this course of action because perhaps he's not as invested in your 6 month relationship as you are... and that could be the basis of all of your uneasy feelings. It's something you didn't want to consider, but now, it's in your face because he's got enough logistical space between himself and you that he can do this without having to witness you losing your mind. I'd say that he's telling you exactly where he is with your relationship and it isn't where you are. Instead of losing your dignity to someone who doesn't deserve to see it, just zip it, block him, dump him and move on. Showing out rarely works in your favor--it justifies him to himself for taking the tack he did.
katiegrl Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Tiger: First, let's thank him for showing you more about who he is. This will save you a lot of time because you are going to get some crucial information about who he is and what' he's about. While not generally a fan of "game playing" I think Katie has a point here. Don't text or call again until you hear from him. When you do, then it's a SHORT and simple conversation: "I need to get something off my chest. I felt insulted and demeaned when you extended your trip--whereby cancelling our plans--without giving me a heads up. It felt disrespectful of me and my time." That's it. Not yelling. Not haranguing. No tears. Just a simple, straight, direct statement of your feelings. Then you see how he reacts. As a previous poster said: defensive or contrite? Do you get an apology or does he try to shift the blame on to you? The response will give you your answer about this guy. That would work too, and I have done that, but only after pulling back and him making several attempts to contact me... and him thinking I might walk away... because he behaved like a ****.
Miss Peach Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 I disagree with the lack of IYLs alone is a bad sign. BF and I didn't say them until 8-9 months or so in. I know others who have waited that long too. BF is very in love with me and shows me through his actions all the time. The part about this that bothers me is his lack of basic respect and consideration. I understand he wouldn't want to be tethered to the phone in front of the guys but it literally take 30 seconds or less to send a text. Coupled with the fact that he has standing plans with you that he wasn't going to honor and it makes it look like at best like he was flaking and at worst ghosting you. Neither are attractive qualities for a LTR IMO. I agree with the advice to show him with your actions you're not going to chase after him. Keep yourself busy with your own life. I wouldn't contact him. The ball is in his court as to whether we wants to see you. If he doesn't contact you in the next week or so with the realization he was acting like a jerk then I would consider the relationship over and get over him (even though it's hard once feelings are in play). If he does come through, I would tell him you have something you want to talk to him about, tell him he has every right to do what he did, then tell him how it made you feel. Then either tell him that it's over or if he does it again there will be a consequence. If he tries to turn it around on you I would just end it then and there because it's useless IMO being in a LTR where someone won't figure out their role in an issue and work with you on it. If it becomes about blame then there's nothing worth savings IME. FWIW I went through something similar at 4 months. I considered it over after 3 days of not hearing from the guy. He did try to contact me later but I just blocked him once I realized who it was. I started dating again the next week. 1
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 He may have been baiting you into exactly this course of action because perhaps he's not as invested in your 6 month relationship as you are... and that could be the basis of all of your uneasy feelings. It's something you didn't want to consider, but now, it's in your face because he's got enough logistical space between himself and you that he can do this without having to witness you losing your mind. I'd say that he's telling you exactly where he is with your relationship and it isn't where you are. Instead of losing your dignity to someone who doesn't deserve to see it, just zip it, block him, dump him and move on. Showing out rarely works in your favor--it justifies him to himself for taking the tack he did. That's where I stand as well. When this happened her mind went straight 'maybe his feelings for me have changed'. That strongly indicates she is unsure this relationship is solid. If she does not feel her relationship is solid it's because it's not. I don't care the reasons why they have not met each other's parents it's also telling their investment in each other isn't deep.What am I saying!! he has not even mentioned her!! His parents are gonna bug him about marriage and kids? big deal. So to summarize: Guy dates you for 6 months, does not mention you to his parents, no ILY. Sounds like you're the Miss-right-now. 2
SugarLips72 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I hate to tell you this but a week long bachelor party across the country means partying, women and trouble. He extended his trip probably because he met someone and he as virtually ignored you. There is trouble in paradise sweetheart. 1
mac25 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Hey OP, The answer is really simple. It's clear you guys are not on the same page in terms of the boundries and parameters of your relationship. When new couples define their relationships they will usually simply label on it like, "were exclusive" or "were casual" ect... and they fail to go into the details of what that actually means and looks like in every day life. People usually let society and cultural standards define their expectations. When in reality there is so much individual variation, so you should be the only one defining the boundaries of your relationship. That said, based on your story, it's clear that his notion of a relationship is different from yours. This is not bad. It just means you guys needs to sit down and disscuss your expectations for future vacations. So that next time one of you goes out of town, you know what kind of level of communication to expect. My advice to you is to approach him in a level headed rational way. When he comes home you greet him in a positive loving way, however, be candid about what you expect. Communicate with assertiveness, without whining and nagging. If you do this, he will respect your honesty and candour. Moreover, if he's not on the same page as you, you will find out. If he's not on the same page, there is nothing inherently wrong with that, it just means you guys don't have the same idea of what it means to be in a relationship. Better to find out now than later. So have that convo ASAP. Again, be firm but kind. good luck!
Poutrew Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 How do you feel about him having sex with other women? The main reason he probably extended the trip could have been to give all the bruises and bite marks on his nether regions time to heal and disappear before you see them...or to come up with a reasonable sounding lie when he tells you how he got them.
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 During the first 6 months, it is supposed to be a honeymoon stage You are SUPPOSED to badly long for each other snd miss each other terribly. Men who are smitten act as such. They don't totally disconnect entirely even on a bachelor's weekend. I agree that incessant texting isn't necessary. But if you were " the One" rather than " miss right now ", he would ACT accordingly! " staying a few more days" isn't the words of a man who's in love........ he would miss you too much to send such a vague text.... A man in love would have called. Told you he missed you. Even just once or twice. And don't listen to Peach---- a man NEVER takes longer than 3 or 4 months to " fall" in love. Tbis isn't true love, that takes time. But the " falling " in love stage. ... happens early on for men or not at all.
VeveCakes Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 6 months in and you are too scared to seem clingy, by texting him where his ass is? This is no relationship. By 6 months your lines of communication should be open and easy. I say this is a bad sign all around.
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I had an ex who travelled. He was not even in love with me. He was very independent social and extroverted and loved to disappear for a day or two with no contact. Yet..... even HE...... My ex who wasn't even very attracted to me........... managed contact with me while away. He would certainly not have done as your " boyfriend ' has done. My ex went on a holiday 6 months in..... he missed me like crazy and ended up chatting daily to me. And he was independent, he wasn't that into me at first and yet at the 6 month mark he was very honey moony about me. The 6 month mark should be the most honeymoony period. Men in this phase don't just. ... go away for trips and extend them without telling- and be wouldn't have even told you had you not bugged him.
Miss Peach Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 And don't listen to Peach---- a man NEVER takes longer than 3 or 4 months to " fall" in love. Tbis isn't true love, that takes time. But the " falling " in love stage. ... happens early on for men or not at all. I do agree that men fall in love faster than women in general. But it doesn't mean he'll say ILY that early on. But he will be showing he's in by his actions by that point. If he's not I agree it's a bad sign. I would still be put off by the lack of basic respect and care he is showing the OP. That alone would make me question the relationship. Being a decent human being wouldn't take too long in this situation. It could have been accomplished within just a few minutes by sending a few texts. That's what I have the biggest problem with regardless of whether he's feeling it or not. His actions just don't see like a good BF. While it's important to be with someone who is as in as you are, sometimes you need to question how you feel and are being treated in a relationship. Everyone has momentary mistakes but this is just an epic fail IMO. What guy in a relationship with a GF he cares about can't make the time to let her know he's going to change his plans and cancel their date?
joseb Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 I do agree that men fall in love faster than women in general. But it doesn't mean he'll say ILY that early on. But he will be showing he's in by his actions by that point. If he's not I agree it's a bad sign. This is one of those loveshack things I've seen that doesn't match my reality. I've never once said ILY before a girl, not for any reason other than I didn't feel it. It usually takes me 6 or 9 months to really fall. Most guys I know are not in love earlier than that either. They may be very attracted to and excited by their new gf. Probably smitten. But not in love. Anyway, op as someone who is pretty independent and likes to travel I still can't defend this guy, extending the way he did and lack of any reason or anything, I think he is done. Sorry.
Miss Peach Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 This is one of those loveshack things I've seen that doesn't match my reality. I've never once said ILY before a girl, not for any reason other than I didn't feel it. It usually takes me 6 or 9 months to really fall. Most guys I know are not in love earlier than that either. They may be very attracted to and excited by their new gf. Probably smitten. But not in love. I see your point here. I've chatted with quite a few people on this over the years - men and women. From what I've found some people will say ILY when they are more at the 'falling in love stage' or limerace stage. Others will use it on very few relationships and it will take them some time to know they are in love. But I have found that the men seem to know before me that they wanted something with me. Men do seem to categorize women (playthings or relationship material) faster than most women do. For me I'm very cautious initially until I get a sense of who the guy is and what he's wanting me for. Then I decide if I want to take that deal so to speak.
preraph Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Look, I'm not saying everyone should put up with me, but when I've gone on vacation, I usually leave everything behind for that week. I want to leave my old world and be totally in my new world for that precious amount of time and only think about tide pools and breakfast buffets. Vacation is a special time. And yes, he is no doubt partying it up since it's a bachelor party, but if that had been local he'd have done the same. It's what guys do. I don't like that aspect of it, but there it is.
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