Vacation vanisher

June 1, 2016

My boyfriend of 6 months went on a week long bachelor party across the country. Usually I hear from him several times everyday but this time it was only once every 2 days-and I would have to initiate contact.

Initially, I didn't sweat it too much because I knew he was on vacation by a pool and casino and was having fun with friends. However, he extended his vacation by two days and didn't tell me. He was supposed to let me know when he departed and landed, so when I didn't hear from him I reached out and got a plain "decided to stay longer." THAT.WAS.IT. and that was 29 hours ago.

We were supposed to hang out tonight and I haven't heard from him since. I don't want to initiate contact again- but waiting for him to contact me is painful. I feel like something happened on this trip whether it be cheating or a change of heart towards me.

If I do hear from him, I don't want to fight- but I want him to know damn well how annoyed/pissed I am. How do I do this without sounding psychotic or like a whiny clinger?

June 1, 2016

So....even after this completely blatant - and TOTAL - lack of respect and regard shown toward you, you want to know how to 'nicely' tell him what a complete d*ck he is?

I'd be done with his worthless ass.

June 1, 2016

Ok, so you're six months in and starting to see who he really is. Any other red flags yet?

June 1, 2016

up until this we were fine. we're both very independent people who like to take their time.

the only 2 things that have bothered me about him are 1. no "ILY" yet and 2. his parents don't know I exist. granted- mine don't either. but that's because we are both under pressure to get married soon.

We have not had any sort of fight yet. So I don't want this to be the first and last one. I'd potentially like to get past this in a mature way instead of kicking him the curb. Emotions are involved here- at least mine are.

June 1, 2016

What hit me is when you said maybe his feelings for you changed. Why would you even think this could happen? These types of fear don't appear from nowhere, something is feeding that fear in you, what is it? Do you feel secure in this relationship? do you have a strong feeling of togetherness?

You said you are both very independent people. I beg to differ if you are in the habit of communicating several times a day. He goes away and you are alarmed by his change of pattern, that's not being independent. Being independent is: Honey, enjoy your trip, let me know when you're back. Then you turn around and make plans of your own and leave him alone during his vacation.

My advice to you is stop contacting him. Keep busy with something else, let him be the next one initiating contact even if it takes a week. Let him show you who he is.

June 1, 2016

up until this we were fine. we're both very independent people who like to take their time.

the only 2 things that have bothered me about him are 1. no "ILY" yet and 2. his parents don't know I exist. granted- mine don't either. but that's because we are both under pressure to get married soon.

We have not had any sort of fight yet. So I don't want this to be the first and last one. I'd potentially like to get past this in a mature way instead of kicking him the curb. Emotions are involved here- at least mine are.

So... I'm kinda very sure that he is only with you for sex.

If he has never said ILY untill now and you guys are a couple then this is very weird.

Your parents have no idea? Well... Seems like they will never know.

It's clear that you are a lot more in love then he is.

It should be wise to clear things out once he is back. I guess this is the end of your 'relation' girl, I'm sorry.

Find someone who actually cares about you.

I went travelling for 6 months in my vacation and I even tried to call my lover in the Gobi dessert of Mongolia. If you love someone, you try to have contact wherever you are.

June 1, 2016

I went trecking through south America last year.

My bf and I had only just met. Yet we stayed in contact every day.

We couldn't get enough of each other. We longed for one another like you wouldn't believe.

If a guy hasn't fallen for you after 6 months he NEVER WILL. I promise.

June 1, 2016

Fairly rude and disrespectful to say the least. Is it really that hard to send a quick text here or there? Even make time for a quick 5-10 minute phone call? Now toss in the fact that he could not tell you hey we/I decided to stay another 2 nights....

June 1, 2016

Reading this I was giving him a pass on the first part, but, then when you said he didn't contact you to say he extended his trip... that seems pretty rude especially since you had a date planned. He didn't need to "ask for permission" but a "hey, I decided to stay an extra couple of days but looking forward to seeing you when I get back" would have been enough.

June 1, 2016

What hit me is when you said maybe his feelings for you changed. Why would you even think this could happen? These types of fear don't appear from nowhere, something is feeding that fear in you, what is it? Do you feel secure in this relationship? do you have a strong feeling of togetherness?

You said you are both very independent people. I beg to differ if you are in the habit of communicating several times a day. He goes away and you are alarmed by his change of pattern, that's not being independent. Being independent is: Honey, enjoy your trip, let me know when you're back. Then you turn around and make plans of your own and leave him alone during his vacation.

My advice to you is stop contacting him. Keep busy with something else, let him be the next one initiating contact even if it takes a week. Let him show you who he is.

when I say independent I mean we have lives outside of eachother. were not codependent just yet. That's mostly because of my busy schedule. I work 60+ hours a week plus have my own activities and maintain a social life. He has never given me any indication that he would cheat and our relationship has been really good.

Before this vacation though, I had a really really bad feeling about it. hes been on trips before and they were fine. I wasn't worried and he texted me so much during them, that it became borderline annoying, lol. with this, I had a sick feeling in my stomach going into it. with all his trips i told him "text me when you can, just let me know when you're taking off and landing".

June 1, 2016

decided to stay longer

Those four words are actually pretty insightful into what he thinks about the relationship, especially if you had plans that he blew off. The statement shows lacks of respect and underinvestment in your relationship. He didn't even have the decency to let you know until reached out to him. What sort of significant other goes on a trip and doesn't tell their partner when they decide to extend their stay? This doesn't bode well for long term. You don't have to be dramatic/emotional when you address it with him but he should know that his behavior was unacceptable. Observe how he reacts to the conversation (dismissive or contrite) and you can decide if this a man you want to be in a relationship with for the long haul.

June 1, 2016

The fact that you never had an argument shows lack of emotional investment, IMO. and I would expect an ILY within 3 months. I've never really had anything working out with anyone without emotions getting the best of us by the 3 months mark. I think if you don't get these by 6 months, it's done. The conversation should be on long term plans by now.

June 1, 2016

when I say independent I mean we have lives outside of eachother. were not codependent just yet. That's mostly because of my busy schedule. I work 60+ hours a week plus have my own activities and maintain a social life. He has never given me any indication that he would cheat and our relationship has been really good.

Before this vacation though, I had a really really bad feeling about it. hes been on trips before and they were fine. I wasn't worried and he texted me so much during them, that it became borderline annoying, lol. with this, I had a sick feeling in my stomach going into it. with all his trips i told him "text me when you can, just let me know when you're taking off and landing".

I find his actions very insensitive but at the same time I understand the need for a person (maybe more men) to completely disconnect once in a while. I think your uneasy feeling comes from the fact this was a bachelor trip? If he had gone on a fishing trip in middle of wilderness in Alaska would you still feel offended he didn't keep in touch much?

June 1, 2016

when I say independent I mean we have lives outside of eachother. were not codependent just yet. That's mostly because of my busy schedule. I work 60+ hours a week plus have my own activities and maintain a social life. He has never given me any indication that he would cheat and our relationship has been really good.

Before this vacation though, I had a really really bad feeling about it. hes been on trips before and they were fine. I wasn't worried and he texted me so much during them, that it became borderline annoying, lol. with this, I had a sick feeling in my stomach going into it. with all his trips i told him "text me when you can, just let me know when you're taking off and landing".

Sick feeling in your stomach... listen to your gut. It doesn't seem right at all and always think about if tables were turned would this be acceptable to him? Would you even fathom of acting this way? Doubtful... he isn't being respectful AT ALL

June 1, 2016

Sick feeling in your stomach... listen to your gut. It doesn't seem right at all and always think about if tables were turned would this be acceptable to him? Would you even fathom of acting this way? Doubtful... he isn't being respectful AT ALL

Agree with this, follow your gut!

And of course a vaca with a bunch of bachelors is different from a solo trip in the wilderness.

Solo trip in wilderness = no drinking, partying, other women!

OP please don't ignore, excuse, justify....shuffle under the rug.

His actions here speak volumes ...

When he returns and calls, I wouldn't be around for a few days, if at all...

That is how you send him the message his actions were unacceptable.... with YOUR actions.

If it were me, I would say nothing and just pull back.

That message is much louder than anything you could ever *say* to him... the latter of which he will only interpret as nagging and you being insecure anyway,

Edited June 1, 2016 by katiegrl

June 1, 2016

Where I think you are wrong is to expect him to continue texting you several times a day while on vacation. Let him un-whine and disconnect from back home. When my ex boyfriend went abroad for a week he sent me a short email every 2-3 days and I thought it was normal.

I think your relationship has bigger problems than him not contacting you during his vacations.

June 1, 2016

Where I think you are wrong is to expect him to continue texting you several times a day while on vacation. Let him un-whine and disconnect from back home. When my ex boyfriend went abroad for a week he sent me a short email every 2-3 days and I thought it was normal.

I think your relationship has bigger problems than him not contacting you during his vacations.

I didn't expect him to text me during any of those trips. so it was a pleasant surprise when he kept in such high contact with his other ones.

with this one in particular I really didn't expect him to at all. I'm unfortunately very relaxed in that way. I knew it was a big bachelor party and wanted him to let loose and have fun.

I'm mostly freaking out because he extended the trip without giving me a heads up, plus he hasn't reached out or responded to my last text. He didn't need my permission to extend it- but letting me know would've been the decent thing to do.

Edited June 1, 2016 by tigerlilly29

June 1, 2016

Yikes. I'm not the kind to expect any contact when a partner is on vacation.

But it is common courtesy to let your partner know that you're choosing to stay a little longer. Not a difficult thing to do. Infact, when you love/care about someone, you share that information to avoid worry or distress. Instead, he couldn't care less.

It doesn't sound good.

June 1, 2016

Yikes. I'm not the kind to expect any contact when a partner is on vacation.

But it is common courtesy to let your partner know that you're choosing to stay a little longer. Not a difficult thing to do. Infact, when you love/care about someone, you share that information to avoid worry or distress. Instead, he couldn't care less.

It doesn't sound good.

at this point- he better be locked on a ****ing rooftop in the desert with no cell phone.

June 1, 2016

at this point- he better be locked on a ****ing rooftop in the desert with no cell phone.

Well, his lack of contact aside. The way he replied back to you sounded cold and indifferent.

June 1, 2016

Agree with this, follow your gut!

And of course a vaca with a bunch of bachelors is different from a solo trip in the wilderness.

Solo trip in wilderness = no drinking, partying, other women!

OP please don't ignore, excuse, justify....shuffle under the rug.

His actions here speak volumes ...

When he returns and calls, I wouldn't be around for a few days, if at all...

That is how you send him the message his actions were unacceptable.... with YOUR actions.

If it were me, I would say nothing and just pull back.

That message is much louder than anything you could ever *say* to him... the latter of which he will only interpret as nagging and you being insecure anyway,

Forgive, but this is a bit confusing to me. So this guy CLEARLY messed up, we can all agree on that, I think. But the advice is to say nothing? To pull back? Why not confront him about it? Isn't that how people learn how to treat you? How is he supposed to know exactly what he did wrong and why OP is bothered by it? Aren't relationships built upon solid communication?

I'm always told that guys can't read our minds, so why not just tell him, straight-up that what he did was unacceptable? I agree with pulling back and disappearing for a bit, but I wouldn't expect a dude to automatically know the reasons why. In my experience, guys usually don't respond well to or even understand hints and dramatic gestures like that. Why not just tell him he screwed up? If he interprets that as nagging and insecurity, then not only is he not the right guy for OP, then he needs to grow the hell up. I don't understand the advice that's always given to women to "hush up, or he'll think you're a nag!"

Then again, I'm chronically single, so what do I know?

June 1, 2016

Forgive, but this is a bit confusing to me. So this guy CLEARLY messed up, we can all agree on that, I think. But the advice is to say nothing? To pull back? Why not confront him about it? Isn't that how people learn how to treat you? How is he supposed to know exactly what he did wrong and why OP is bothered by it? Aren't relationships built upon solid communication?

I'm always told that guys can't read our minds, so why not just tell him, straight-up that what he did was unacceptable? I agree with pulling back and disappearing for a bit, but I wouldn't expect a dude to automatically know the reasons why. In my experience, guys usually don't respond well to or even understand hints and dramatic gestures like that. Why not just tell him he screwed up? If he interprets that as nagging and insecurity, then not only is he not the right guy for OP, then he needs to grow the hell up. I don't understand the advice that's always given to women to "hush up, or he'll think you're a nag!"

Then again, I'm chronically single, so what do I know?

I'm saying something. this is beyond not okay. I don't even care about looking like a bitch because this was an incredibly immature, dickhead move.

June 1, 2016

Forgive, but this is a bit confusing to me. So this guy CLEARLY messed up, we can all agree on that, I think. But the advice is to say nothing? To pull back? Why not confront him about it? Isn't that how people learn how to treat you? How is he supposed to know exactly what he did wrong and why OP is bothered by it? Aren't relationships built upon solid communication?

I'm always told that guys can't read our minds, so why not just tell him, straight-up that what he did was unacceptable? I agree with pulling back and disappearing for a bit, but I wouldn't expect a dude to automatically know the reasons why. In my experience, guys usually don't respond well to or even understand hints and dramatic gestures like that. Why not just tell him he screwed up? If he interprets that as nagging and insecurity, then not only is he not the right guy for OP, then he needs to grow the hell up. I don't understand the advice that's always given to women to "hush up, or he'll think you're a nag!"

Then again, I'm chronically single, so what do I know?

I agree with you. I do pull back but that's when I gave up and want to leave. Otherwise I try to have a conversation. Partly because I feel better that way.

June 1, 2016

OP, what did you say to him exactly in that last text which he hasn't responded to?

June 1, 2016

Forgive, but this is a bit confusing to me. So this guy CLEARLY messed up, we can all agree on that, I think. But the advice is to say nothing? To pull back? Why not confront him about it? Isn't that how people learn how to treat you? How is he supposed to know exactly what he did wrong and why OP is bothered by it? Aren't relationships built upon solid communication?

I'm always told that guys can't read our minds, so why not just tell him, straight-up that what he did was unacceptable? I agree with pulling back and disappearing for a bit, but I wouldn't expect a dude to automatically know the reasons why. In my experience, guys usually don't respond well to or even understand hints and dramatic gestures like that. Why not just tell him he screwed up? If he interprets that as nagging and insecurity, then not only is he not the right guy for OP, then he needs to grow the hell up. I don't understand the advice that's always given to women to "hush up, or he'll think you're a nag!"

Then again, I'm chronically single, so what do I know?

Well learned from experience that confronting accomplishes NOTHING except him thinking/accusing you of being needy and insecure.

You can't force a man to give you more attention... by "talking" to him, NEVER works.

Because it's NOT coming from his own heart. He is only doing it because she asked, and probably resenting her for asking.

He might even step up for a little while, but will eventually revert back because again, it's not coming from within his own heart.

If he is not contacting her it's because HE DOES NOT WANT TO.

If he wanted to he would be!

She can "talk" to him until hell freezes over, if doesn't want to ... he doesn't want to....he is not gonna get it.

Again he will only think she is needy and insecure.

By pulling back and distancing herself, he will WONDER about her.... why she is distancing herself, even though he KNOWS why.

Men (most) KNOW when they behave badly, they don't have to be told. They're not stupid.

If she wants to stay with him, she needs to send him the message (via her ACTIONS) that she respects herself, deserves more than she's getting and if he doesn't get his act together and step up and SHOW her.... then she's gonna pull away, distance herself and maybe even walk away!

This approach has ALWAYS ALWAYS worked for me, when I choose to stay with a guy who has become complacent and taking me for granted.

I wholeheartedly believe in pulling back when a man gets lazy. I don't say a word, I just pull back. HE knows why I am pulling back, again he's not stupid. Again, most men know when they're behaving badly.

And I have never been ghosted or even faded on.... I have always been the one to walk away, so I figure I must be doing something right.

Also, I have five brothers and they have taught me plenty about how guys think, which helped a lot too.

Edited June 1, 2016 by katiegrl

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