Who thinks the A is generally primarily, or exclusively, about SEX?

[kkat]

I've noticed a trend in this forum recently from many posters expressing their opinons that A's are primarily or exclusively about sex, especially for the MM.

 

I see many posters expressing thoughts along the lines of "How stupid could you be? Girl, you know any man is going to get some from any woman who spreads her legs" and other similarily elegant thoughts.

 

So, I'm just wondering, what's the take here amoung the group?

 

I know without a doubt that my A, while the sex was fantastic, was absolutely NOT about the sex for my ex-MM. In fact, he quit having sex with me months and months ago and he still attempts to continue an EA...and no, he's not doing it because he is desperately trying to get me to have sex with him...

 

I think all romantic relationships, including affairs and including marriages, possess various factors that drive, build, maintain and destroy bonds. In some relationships, a key factor is sex. In others, it's not.

 

But just because the relationship is between someone who is married and someone they are not married to, I don't think it necessarily means sex is the key factor.

 

Do you?

[shygurl]

Many affairs are about sex - men married men love the thrill of the chase and the stroke to their ego by having a women on the side who wants them, who's passionate about them, who is willing to take the risk of having an affair, of finding places to screw (hotel rooms, cars, etc).

 

If affairs were based on something more substantial, from the married cheater's point of view, surely they would leave their spouse to be with their mistress and experience a real open and complete relationship as opposed to one that's filled with sneaking around, telling lies, arranging rendezvous, etc.

 

I think those involved in affairs often want to think "their affair" is different - that it's really special, that they've really found their soulmate, that there's a future but it's only that they want to believe this because to believe otherwise would mean they were having to admit that that they're caught up in a whole vicious cycle of nothingness.

 

Many people who are married, who have affairs, they do it not because they "keep finding" their soulmate but because they love the rush and high of doing something that's forbidden and taboo and that's often why they continue this lifestyle and lie.

 

The very bottom line is that if you're involved in an affair and that other person (the MM or MW) really loves you and values you, they would move heaven and earth to be with you - and they wouldn't make excuses as to why they remain with their spouse.

[moimeme]

Actually, this has been studied. And the results were that most people who pursue affairs are looking for something they're not getting from their marriage. Often it's a feeling of acceptance, appreciation - positive feelings they need to feel that they don't think they are getting at home. And when you get those positive feelings, you get attached and you get attracted.

[GetOverYourself]

I just got to believe that things often start for one reason and continue for another. As in...."I think our affair began because I_____________ but then later on I kept going back because______________."

 

the blanks reveal our needs and defecits.

 

I wonder how many people start an affair thinking they are having a "fling" just for the sex of it but keep it up because they want the relationship to be worth the damage they have already done to the integrity of their marital vows.

[newbby]

although quite often when i saw him we wouldnt actually have sex at all, during the a, i suspected at times that that was all it was, afterwards i was pretty sure that that was all it had been.

i tried to be friends with him though afterwards, and it became quite clear that he couldnt be friends, he was continuing things by acting as though it was an ea, he got jealous about other guys, panicked if he thought i wasnt speaking to him and talked to me about things when he was down, called me beautiful etc. now it could have been he was trying hard to get back into the physical or it could have been that the affair was more to him than just sex.

i dont believe i'll ever really know, so i may aswell just think the best and believe that it was a love that could never be

[newbby]

i just read an article about monogamy and infidelity being genetic.

it all has something to do with vasopressin-receptors, and researchers isolated this gene and out it into previously promiscuous meadow voles who then became monogamous.

so our cheating mm may just be genetically unable to make a monogamous commitment anyway, with either their wives or any ow.

imaging this is the case, how would you feel about the a?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It depends on the participants - sometimes affairs are purely sexual, other times not.

 

I still feel that for people who have affairs and continue to stay married, the OW or OM is like a puzzle piece. It fits in only one place in their heart, just like the W or H's puzzle piece fits in only one place in the heart. Neither piece can or will fit in the other's slot, and ideally both are filled at any given time. Should the OW or OM piece begin to outgrow where it was designed to fit or try to fit itself into the W or H place - then the piece will be discarded and a new one will be found that will be a better fit in its 'OW/OM' slot.

 

Its not a matter of the MM or MW 'not loving you enough' - its more a matter of 'loving you in the only way possible within the parameters of the compartment they keep you in'. They can't love you the way they love their W or H - besides, they already have a perfectly good W or H and aren't looking for anyone to fill a spot that is already occupied.

 

Sex is a part of this. Sometimes the puzzle piece will be cut to accommodate only sex on the side - other times it will be cut to accommodate a greater emotional load. It depends entirely on how the W or H piece is cut - and what is missing from that that can be filled by the OW or OM piece.

 

Sometimes on a rare occasion the MM or MW might outgrow the puzzle pieces and decide that the marriage is not worth keeping and will divorce on their own accord. Unfortunately, if you as OW or OM were a puzzle piece - he/she may not be divorcing for you and will probably go looking for someone who fulfills a greater set of needs than you did as just a piece of his puzzle.

[izzybelle]

my relationship with MM was about 90% EA and 5% sex. it was an LDR so that's just the way it was. it wasn't any where close to just being about sex. mostly we talked about ourselves and our future. the sex was great but played a very minor roll in our relationshp.

[SexKitten]

i think very many affairs (especially that start out sexual) are based on sex because the husband and wife have problems and the husband looks to other women for gratification--he's also good at convincing a woman that it's more than that. this is pretty obvious as most "other women" claim "he does love me, it's more than sex" even if they get nothing else. then they justify it, and aid him in cheating on his wife and being used themselves.

 

however, i do think it's possible for what was once only sex to turn into something more, though i do not think that very often, it is real love. i think it may be an emotional attachment, but not love. if it was, they would all leave their wives regardless of circumstances in order to be with you.

 

these married men should worry less about sex and more about respect.

[brashgal]

Love the puzzle piece analogy, Lucretia - fits my experience with my ex's affairs to a T!

[BoatingBabe]

I don't think it's about sex at all, sex just happens to be one of the fringe benefits in some A's. The MM at work gets nothing physical from me with the exception of some hand touching......It's an EA and it's mainly all about his EGO....and a challenge to see if maybe one day I'll get weak and give in.

[StillHurtin]

I don't think my H's A was just about sex. From his letters and poems to the OW I could tell he did have some feelings for her, even if they were short-lived. Their A started out as an EA. I don't know if H knew the OW had feelings for him until she came out one day and said she was attracted to him and kissed him. The OW was very flirtacious w/ most of the men she worked w/ so H might of thought that she had feelings for him since she flirted w/ almost every man.

 

Their A was an EA and after H filed for a D he claims that is when the PA started. He said he didn't have sex w/ the OW until after he filed for a D but he did have feelings for her b/c she paid attention to him, made him feel important, made him feel like she was interested in all his sports, blah, blah, blah.

 

I think most, if not all, A take place b/c there is something missing in the M. If my H would of treated me w/ more love and respect then I would of been more willing to show him affection that he needed. But instead, he chose to not treat me the way a W should be treated and when I wasn't giving him what he needed/wanted he found it w/ the OW. If he would of just woke up and realized I would of been more attentive to him and his needs if he would of treated me better he wouldn't have had to look for that elsewhere.

 

So my answer, I don't think that an A is all about sex but I do believe there are MM who just want sex but don't want to get emotional involved.

[newbby]

I still feel that for people who have affairs and continue to stay married, the OW or OM is like a puzzle piece. It fits in only one place in their heart, just like the W or H's puzzle piece fits in only one place in the heart. Neither piece can or will fit in the other's slot, and ideally both are filled at any given time. Should the OW or OM piece begin to outgrow where it was designed to fit or try to fit itself into the W or H place - then the piece will be discarded and a new one will be found that will be a better fit in its 'OW/OM' slot.

 

Its not a matter of the MM or MW 'not loving you enough' - its more a matter of 'loving you in the only way possible within the parameters of the compartment they keep you in'. They can't love you the way they love their W or H - besides, they already have a perfectly good W or H and aren't looking for anyone to fill a spot that is already occupied.

 

this makes sense, sometimes i would feel with my xmm that he had got too close and would then withdraw a bit or that he was trying to keep me in my 'place' somehow.

it was like he had already decided what my role in his life was and that no matter what he felt this was going to be the case, alot of controlling the relationship went on, he was working hard to keep it going without making it too close.

[joodee]

That's a sad feeling to have, feeling that someone is trying to keep you in your "place."

 

Looking back I think that's what my ex-MM is/was trying to do.

 

Anyway, I think my relationship was about sex and friendship and companionship, companionship being first, cause I found out he was having sex with another OW while with me...although we had alot of sex too, which means he's just a sick puppy...

 

But anyway, I say companionship because, since he does not live with his W, when things were good and before I figured out the truth about him, I was over his place 4 to 5 times a night, he made dinner all the time, took me out, we talked, he met my family and friends (who all encouraged this relationship, believing he was truly "separated), traveled, etc. I was never really involved in his daughter's lives, which should have been the major red flag. Now I realize he wants to avoid dealing with his wife (or wants to hold on to what little he has of her, since it's my understanding that she'd the one who moved out and took the kids with her) and make any real decisions, and is probably stressed because I don't want to "play along" anymore. Heck, he has his back-ups....

[newbby]

yes it is a sad feeling, he would seem to be falling for me big time, you can tell by the eyes, and then he would back off.

how tantalising!

[rRunner]

People do it for different reasons. Sex seems to play a major part in it. Doing things with someone else and doing things that you don't do with your spouse is part of it. Many people have a hard time having 'hard sex' with the one they love.

[ww]

well i suggest than : shall they have a hard HAND WORK. so there will be less problems around.