I feel like breaking up with my BF who is constantly on his phone or watching TV!

June 1, 2016

He's the one who told me he loved me, and he constantly talks about us getting married and having children.

LOL. As long as you know HIS lazy ass will expect you to work full time AND do all the housework AND do all the child-rearing on top of it.

Oh, and you'll be expected to set up the entire wedding and honeymoon arrangements by yourself. Just tell lame-ass when to be there and what to wear and/or pack. Or better yet, go to his place and pack his suitcase for him.

I sure hope on your wedding day there isn't a live stream of some silly show he likes or he'll be going through phone withdrawal the entire time.

Honestly, if this guy were any LESS invested, he'd be in a coma.

June 1, 2016

It's rather difficult for people who are working night shift to have active social lives simply due to the nature of their work. They are off work when everyone else is working, and working when everyone else is off work. Also most people suffer from lethargy, tiredness etc from night shifts because it doesn't fit their innate sleep habits. Trust me, it is something that you cannot understand unless you have tried it for a long period of time. Same goes for the (far fewer) extreme night owls who are forced into working a 9-5 shift.

So true. I worked the overnight shift about 12 years ago and I swear, I slept the entire summer away. I had no energy to do anything. All I could do was sleep because my circadian rhythm was so jacked up. I'll never do that again.

June 1, 2016

Yeah. He's not looking for someone to share his life with. He's looking for someone to fit into his already entrenched independent life and into the one empty slot of who is going to have sex with him.

June 1, 2016

My boyfriend was single for eight years before we started dating,

^^^ this is your problem

June 1, 2016

^^^ this is your problem

None sense. I was single for 10 years and I know how to grow and maintain a romantic relationship. It's a matter of compatibility and a matter of wanting to be in a relationship. OP's boyfriend does not want to be in a relationship. He wants to launch around like a single guy and have her around when it's convenient.

OP, why his last relationship ended?

June 1, 2016

Buddhist, thanks for your reply. You make some great points, and brought up some things I hadn't thought of.

He doesn't have to be as active or social as me, but I don't understand why he can be so tired or lazy all the time when he has very few responsibilities. Yes, we have different energy levels, but he acts like everything is so tiring and requires too much effort. It doesn't help that he's naturally lean and toned despite his junk food diet and aversion to exercise.

You're right that I was using my values to judge his lifestyle. True, he's not doing anything wrong by wanting to stay home and watch TV. But then he should just stay at HIS home and watch HIS television. He comes over to my house, turns on my television and barely talks to me. He often watches TV while using his phone (checking Facebook and Instagram, and messaging his family/friends). He might not be social in person, but he's constantly messaging people. It's only when he puts away his phone or the TV is off that he talks a lot to me. I feel like he would talk to me more if I texted him while sitting beside him.

I support that he has a good relationship with his family, and that he has friends to go out with. I like my space, too, and believe we should have our own lives and friends. But I don't understand why he comes over to just sit and stare at a screen. On top of that, he rarely asks me what TV show or movie I want to watch. He just picks something he likes and assumes that I'll be interested in it.

I'm not pissed off that he's different than me; I'm pissed off that the TV/movie/phone thing causes him to forget I'm even there. If he wishes to unwind and relax, he can do that at home. Why does he even want to go over to his girlfriend's house if he's not going to pay attention to her? And if it makes a difference, he's not even as interested in sex as I am - once or twice a week is good enough for him - so I doubt he keeps me around for sexual reasons.

Frankly he sounds complacent, uninspired.... and bored. He also sounds depressed.

There is nothing motivating him to change.... and I could almost guarantee that once he meets the women of his dreams (if she exists) suddenly he will feel inspired and have tons of energy... planning dates, NOT spending his time with her alone in bed watching TV (argh!).... etc.

I have seen this happen too many times not to realize that this happens, more often than not.

How long have you been dating each other?

June 1, 2016

None sense. I was single for 10 years and I know how to grow and maintain a romantic relationship. It's a matter of compatibility and a matter of wanting to be in a relationship. OP's boyfriend does not want to be in a relationship. He wants to launch around like a single guy and have her around when it's convenient.

OP, why his last relationship ended?

Agree with you Gaeta.

And not to sound harsh, but re bolded.... not with the OP anyway.

June 2, 2016

I understand where you're coming from. I was with my boyfriend for many years and he was the same exact way. My boyfriend was so lazy and would rather pay attention to the tv than me. Yeah it got really annoying because it seemed like he didn't care. We wouldn't have conversations because he was too busy ignoring me. After a while you get sick of that. We had an on and off relationship and after a while you wonder why you're even with them in the first place. And I yes you have to accept a person for who they are but it's not right that he isn't putting any effort in the relationship so you don't need to deal with it, I do agree with the fact that you can't change him and never will so the best thing to do is go your separate ways. It's hard because you care about him after all but he's clearly not making you happy. When I broke up with my boyfriend I have to say I was so happy. It was hard at first but you have to do what is best for you.

Bee2008, thank you for sharing your experience, but I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying - it's getting annoying because it seems like he doesn't care about anything but his own interests and own schedule. We have conversations, but I'm usually the one to speak first or ask HIM questions to get him talking. I'm starting to wonder why I'm with him when I feel like I care more about the relationship than he does. He is comfortable and content, and seems like he's perfectly happy - not depressed or bored at all. It's ME who's finding the relationship boring. You're right that I need to do what's best for me - clearly he does what's best for HIM. We've been acquaintances (I'm friends with his family members) for eight years, and we've been dating less than six months. It's discouraging that he's become complacent so early in the relationship, and we don't even live together yet.

June 2, 2016

I also noticed that you initially talked about not wanting to 'give up on him'. The wording sounded odd, so I Googled it. This is what I found:

give up on someone: to stop hoping that someone will improve and stop trying to help or change them

I think it's important to delve deeper into why you used this phrase. Is he actually in the process of changing? Does he want to improve? Does he want your help in changing? Thing is, accepting that a person is who they are is quite different to walking away from someone who's trying to acheive change.

I was really surprised when you asked this, but it's exactly how I felt: I didn't want to "give up" on him because I've been making lots of excuses for him and trying to understand why he acts the way he does. He was single for eight years before meeting me, except for a one-week fling with a girl who took his virginity. Before that, he only had one other girlfriend who he broke up with because she lived in another country. They were "together" for less than two months due to the long distance and what he told me were her jealousy issues.

I tried to take into account that he's a different culture than me - I grew up in the United States, and he grew up in Samoa - and that he has very limited experience with women. He was also raised with his grandparents because his father disappeared and his mother was busy working and raising five other children. I was encouraged by a mutual friend that I should be patient with him because he lacks experience and is a work-in-progress. But I feel like he is too old now and set in his ways, and I'm skeptical about his ability or willingness to change. He told me he wants to stay together, but I sometimes feel more like a friend or sister than a romantic partner.

June 2, 2016

If you don't want to give him up, then you have to accept that this is the guy you insist upon being with. Your job is not to change him. Your job is to either accept who he is or reject who he is.

He still wants to live a single existence. The presence of a girlfriend isn't changing that.

If you feel you deserve better treatment, then stop being lazy, end this relationship and go find a guy who wants to act like he's in a relationship.

I think you expressed it perfectly - that I should accept who he is or reject who he is. I think he is very used to living as a single guy, but is treating me more like a puppy dog than a girlfriend. He likes the physical company - and I don't mean purely sexual, but just someone to be with him when he wants to watch TV or sleep or go to family events. I think he knows what loneliness feels like, but I don't think he's able or willing to keep a girlfriend happy. I feel taken for granted more than ignored. I guess he just accepts me to be there for him no matter what, so he doesn't feel the need to please me or do anything to convince me to stick around.

June 2, 2016

I think you expressed it perfectly - that I should accept who he is or reject who he is. I think he is very used to living as a single guy, but is treating me more like a puppy dog than a girlfriend. He likes the physical company - and I don't mean purely sexual, but just someone to be with him when he wants to watch TV or sleep or go to family events. I think he knows what loneliness feels like, but I don't think he's able or willing to keep a girlfriend happy. I feel taken for granted more than ignored. I guess he just accepts me to be there for him no matter what, so he doesn't feel the need to please me or do anything to convince me to stick around.

You said he is not complacent, but that is precisely what "taking you for granted is." Complacent.

You know what you have to do.

I'm sorry.

June 2, 2016

Talking constantly on the phone when he's out with you is just plain disrespectful. You have every right to be offended by this. Find a guy who values and respects you.

He answers texts more than calls, but he will put the caller on speakerphone or video chat. He tries to include me in the conversations or introduce me to his family/friends through web cam, but I'd rather he not use his phone as much while with me. I don't mind the phone calls as much as the constantly checking Facebook/Instagram and watching YouTube videos.

No one else has mentioned his phone habits, and his sisters are the same way with their phones. I don't think he understands how rude it is when people are trying to have a conversation with him while he's glancing at his phone. It may not be personal, but yes, he needs to value and respect his girlfriend more.

June 2, 2016

He sounds like he's lost interest in the relationship. His words (marriage, family) don't line up with his actions. Sorry, but I would let him go.

I don't think he's lost interest in the relationship because he seems perfectly happy and comfortable. I think what he lacks is the ability/willingness to keep things interesting or to express his feelings through actions. I think he would be happier with a lazy, sedentary woman who never expresses her needs or wants - the less "drama" the better. I feel like he doesn't like being told about himself (even in a constructive way) unless it's something positive. And I accept that there are some guys who just aren't willing to put in a lot of effort or energy into another person; these guys are better off single so they can do what they want, when and where they want without having to consider anyone else's feelings.

June 2, 2016

You said he is not complacent, but that is precisely what "taking you for granted is." Complacent.

You know what you have to do.

I'm sorry.

Did I? In a previous post, I wrote that I think he IS complacent. But thanks for giving me the opportunity to express myself. Putting my feelings in writing and receiving feedback and validation helps me to see my current situation more clearly.

June 2, 2016

He is being who he is, and sure you could gee him up into taking your to the park, the cinema, the theatre, the zoo, the beach... but that is not who he is and 6 months down the line you will be back at square one, with a guy who is non-communicative and spending all his spare time on the phone and watching TV.

If you stay, you will be the wife always telling him to take out the garbage, bath the baby, mow the lawn, take the clothes out of the dryer and remember to take home some milk... etc. as you cannot trust him to take the initiative, whilst he will wander about on his phone, watching TV, playing golf, completely oblivious to all the work you do to keep the family home running.
If you complain, he will moan about your nagging and disappear down the golf club, and you will grow resentful as he never sees anything to be done off his own bat.

Exactly. You've expressed all my worst fears about what our future would look like.

June 2, 2016

I would also like to add that if there is ány chance of him changing it's if/when he realises he might lose you. Right now he's listening to your issues and thinking "yeah sure, but at the end of the day we're still together so why bother". Breaking up with him might be just what he needs to get his **** together.

Personally I think it's probably beyond saving though.

I wish that could be true, but right now I fear his reaction to a potential breakup more than I fear the breakup itself. It would crush me to see him react with little or no concern, or to shrug his shoulders or to act like I wasn't worth the effort/energy. He has always been the chaser, initiator, first to say "I love you", the one who always talks about marriage and kids, texting/calling me at least twice a day. I don't think it's possible for people to change themselves, but I do believe in compromise, especially when you love someone enough. Perhaps since I'm his "first love" he has not yet reached that point where he fears losing me or feels a need to work to keep me. But I feel like I deserve a guy who would fight for me or who would care about my happiness because that's how I feel about a guy I love.

I think if we broke up now it would be better than if stronger feelings were involved, especially my own.

June 2, 2016

None sense. I was single for 10 years and I know how to grow and maintain a romantic relationship.

everyone is different

June 3, 2016

I wish that could be true, but right now I fear his reaction to a potential breakup more than I fear the breakup itself. It would crush me to see him react with little or no concern, or to shrug his shoulders or to act like I wasn't worth the effort/energy. He has always been the chaser, initiator, first to say "I love you", the one who always talks about marriage and kids, texting/calling me at least twice a day. I don't think it's possible for people to change themselves, but I do believe in compromise, especially when you love someone enough. Perhaps since I'm his "first love" he has not yet reached that point where he fears losing me or feels a need to work to keep me. But I feel like I deserve a guy who would fight for me or who would care about my happiness because that's how I feel about a guy I love.

I think if we broke up now it would be better than if stronger feelings were involved, especially my own.

As I said, there is absolutely nothing inspiring or motivating him to change. None, nada, zippo.

Your asking him to or talking to him will accomplish nothing because you have taught him by your *actions*, that no matter how lazy he gets, how complacent he is, how utterly detached he becomes, you will STILL be there. No matter what.

Your words will mean nothing. A woman's actions speak much louder to a man than words.

Most people will compromise when they *want* to compromise. It has got to come from within them, from their hearts.....

Right now, it sounds like he feels meh. Just going through the motions and not even that.

And hate to say this, but YOU are the one allowing him to do that.

By sticking around and accepting scraps.

And HE knows it!

He probably isn't even sure how he feels about you anymore, you are sort of just *there* and he is comfortable . Going through the motions with the I love you's etc. To appease you probably.

You want to inspire him again? Motivate him to be the man he used to be?. Elicit some excitement for you again?

Let him experience what life is like without you. Let him wonder about you, think about you, miss you!!!

And the only way to do this is by walking away and going no contact.....

It is not going to happen while you insist on hanging around accepting scraps. It just won't..sorry.

Your call though. If you are too afraid to end it cuz you fear he won't care, then that's on you ...and if HE ends it down the road when he eventually meets another chick who *does* inspire him, then, well, you really will have no one to blame but yourself .

Best of luck with whatever you decide....

Edited June 3, 2016 by katiegrl

June 3, 2016

My guess is that you're only trying to help, but I'm surprised by the way you write about my situation - like you know all the details about how I act or that you're so sure about what it takes to motivate a man (e.g., the "woman of his dreams").

Has is ever occurred to you that there are men (and women) who are not motivated by anything? They may be at risk of losing something great, but are just not driven enough to pursue anything or to put effort into anything. Perhaps they are so used to single life and their own selfishness that the "man/woman of their dreams" is someone who is just as lazy of them, who does everything for them, and never complains? There are just some people in the world who don't care to work for anything in their lives. They would rather lose something or accept less than to work hard.

Also, your manner of writing seems to imply that his behavior is the result of something I'm doing wrong. There is nothing wrong with asking questions or talking to someone BEFORE taking drastic action. I believe in giving people a chance. When did I ever say that I would STILL be there for him NO MATTER WHAT?

What kind of man do you think he USED to be? I'm still in the early stages of getting to know him. I think I'm finding out what kind of man he REALLY IS. He is very happy with our current situation, but I AM NOT. What I feel is more important to me than trying to threaten someone or make them miss me or force/motivate them to change. If a guy does not wish to compromise merely by me talking to him, then he obviously does not care enough about my feelings to be WORTH MY TIME. And once I am gone, I'm gone. I don't give chances for them to miss me and realize their mistake.

It is one thing for you to respond in order to offer advice or help, but you are making a lot of assumptions about what and how I am. You know nothing about how I deal with relationships. Just expressing that I'm afraid of his reaction to a breakup DOES NOT mean that I'm too afraid to break up. I just have fears, frustrations, disappointments, hurt feelings... I'm human, and I'm not ashamed of admitting my feelings for someone. If the relationship ends up being unequal - me putting in more effort than the other person - I know that to do. But like I said, I wanted to get my feelings out in writing before taking action.

It helps me to get feedback from others, but there is no need to blame me for how another person acts. Sometimes the problem is just the other person. He has not lost interest and he is excited to be with me, but his perception about our relationship is not the same as mine. He is just a boring couch potato who is content with just staying in and hanging out and having things remain exactly as they are - no learning, no growth, no "drama".

As I said, there is absolutely nothing inspiring or motivating him to change. None, nada, zippo.

Your asking him to or talking to him will accomplish nothing because you have taught him by your *actions*, that no matter how lazy he gets, how complacent he is, how utterly detached he becomes, you will STILL be there. No matter what.

Your words will mean nothing. A woman's actions speak much louder to a man than words.

Most people will compromise when they *want* to compromise. It has got to come from within them, from their hearts.....

Right now, it sounds like he feels meh. Just going through the motions and not even that.

And hate to say this, but YOU are the one allowing him to do that.

By sticking around and accepting scraps.

And HE knows it!

He probably isn't even sure how he feels about you anymore, you are sort of just *there* and he is comfortable . Going through the motions with the I love you's etc. To appease you probably.

You want to inspire him again? Motivate him to be the man he used to be?. Elicit some excitement for you again?

Let him experience what life is like without you. Let him wonder about you, think about you, miss you!!!

And the only way to do this is by walking away and going no contact.....

It is not going to happen while you insist on hanging around accepting scraps. It just won't..sorry.

Your call though. If you are too afraid to end it cuz you fear he won't care, then that's on you ...and if HE ends it down the road when he eventually meets another chick who *does* inspire him, then, well, you really will have no one to blame but yourself .

Best of luck with whatever you decide....

June 3, 2016

From what you describe he's used to being single and being who he is without understanding that it takes effort to maintain a relationship. His behavior sounds like something you'd expect from a guy who has settled into a 15 or 20 year relationship, not someone whose been in one for several months.

When people show you who they are, you need to believe them. I'm not exactly sure what you're expecting to happen. I suggest ending things if you haven't or don't plan on bringing up with him what is bothering you.

I agree with whoever says he has no motivation to change. Because he probably has no idea there's even anything wrong with his behavior. I've been single for about 5 years now myself and TBH most of my time is spent on my cell phone, on the computer, or sleeping when I'm not working. But if I did start dating again and things got serious, i at least know I couldn't keep doing things the way I've been doing by myself and would have to make some lifestyle changes if I expect to keep a relationship going. It sounds like he doesn't get that or doesn't care.

You either need to talk to him about this or cut the cord. Because he's not going to magically change on his own and you'll just be spinning both your wheels and wasting time.

June 3, 2016

So he has always been this way? Lazy and complacent? Preferring to be on his phone and watching TV (alone) while together? Pays you little to no attention ?

So sorry, I misinterpreted. I thought his behavior was something new.....

That said, you are the one who suspects and fears he won't even care if you end it... where is that coming from?

No I don't think you have done anything wrong. And never suggested you did

But when a man acts the way he does, it's usually because he feels meh, and going through the motions..... doesn't really give a crap. Ask any man in love with a woman..... no he is not gonna behave the way your bf does.

Love inspires us. Love motivates us. Love excites us! Love even has the power to change us.

But heck if he has always been this way, then nevermind...

Best of luck!

Edited June 3, 2016 by katiegrl

June 3, 2016

Has is ever occurred to you that there are men (and women) who are not motivated by anything? They may be at risk of losing something great, but are just not driven enough to pursue anything or to put effort into anything. Perhaps they are so used to single life and their own selfishness that the "man/woman of their dreams" is someone who is just as lazy of them, who does everything for them, and never complains? There are just some people in the world who don't care to work for anything in their lives. They would rather lose something or accept less than to work hard.

Why would you want someone like that in your life at all ?

June 3, 2016

I don't. I'm realizing now that's probably who HE is. I was introducing him to new places and ideas because he used to think his low income prevented him from having any kind of fun. I thought he would be more motivated now because he has a partner to do things with - things that are free/cheap and low-stress. His family is the same way (staying home a lot), but his sedentary lifestyle isn't compatible with mine. I can't respect someone who can sit around all day and not contribute to society in some way.

June 3, 2016

Why would you want someone like that in your life at all ?

I don't. I'm realizing now that's probably who HE is. I was introducing him to new places and ideas because he used to think his low income prevented him from having any kind of fun. I thought he would be more motivated now because he has a partner to do things with - things that are free/cheap and low-stress. His family is the same way (staying home a lot), but his sedentary lifestyle isn't compatible with mine. I can't respect someone who can sit around all day and not contribute to society in some way.

June 3, 2016

So he has always been this way? Lazy and complacent? Preferring to be on his phone and watching TV (alone) while together? Pays you little to no attention ?

So sorry, I misinterpreted. I thought his behavior was something new.....

That said, you are the one who suspects and fears he won't even care if you end it... where is that coming from?

No I don't think you have done anything wrong. And never suggested you did

But when a man acts the way he does, it's usually because he feels meh, and going through the motions..... doesn't really give a crap. Ask any man in love with a woman..... no he is not gonna behave the way your bf does.

Love inspires us. Love motivates us. Love excites us! Love even has the power to change us.

But heck if he has always been this way, then nevermind...

Best of luck!

Thanks for all your help.

He has always been one to be on his phone or watch TV all the time. When we started dating, he did less of those things because he had a partner and the phone/TV was a way of keeping himself entertained while alone or on days we could not see each other (due to opposite work shifts). He has family and friends, but rarely sees them. When I've gone with him to his family's or friend's houses, he's pretty quiet and prefers people-watching over conversations. Everyone was so shocked when we got together because they said he's so quiet and introverted.

However, I'm realizing his nomcommunicative ways and introversion will not change much with a girlfriend in the picture. When I have his attention, he talks A LOT about anything and everything (feelings, too). But if being noncommunicative and preferring passive activities is who he really is, i doubt he will change for anyone. I don't believe people really havw rhe capacity to change a lot about themselves, which is why we're supposed to accept each other as we are. If we don'f like how a person is naturally, we ahould get out.

I agree that many people can be inspired, motivated, and excited by love. Perhaps some people can change. But through my experience and the experience of other people closw to me, people do not change - they compromise or pur in work/effort. There are people who take their spouses/significant ofhers/parents for granted, but it doesn't mean they don't love them. How would you explain the people who complain that their spouses are couch potatoes or that their spouses never like to cook and clean for them? Like another poster mentioned, relationships can become stale or stagnant after you've been with someone for a while, but if the relationship is this way so early on, i don't have any hope of it getting better.

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I feel like breaking up with my BF who is constantly on his phone or watching TV!

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