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I feel like breaking up with my BF who is constantly on his phone or watching TV!


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Posted

My 28-year-old boyfriend has a full-time job, works 5-6 nights a week, plays golf once a week, and sings in a church choir twice a month. I go to school full-time, have two part-time day jobs, serve on event committees, volunteer at church, enjoy several hobbies/sports, and still make time for my boyfriend/family/friends.

 

My boyfriend was single for eight years before we started dating, and after work would go home to sleep or lay/sit around all day. I realize working nights is tiring, but he likes to lay/sit around no matter what time of day it is. He will only go out if I plan something for us to do. He never plans dates - we see each other on the weekends - but he usually goes along with my suggestions (after some convincing from me). Unfortunately, I have to kindly remind him to put his phone away at restaurants or when we are visiting family/friends.

 

I don't want to give up on him, but I'm starting to find him really dull. He's not entirely lazy because he does help with household chores (if asked) or with running errands. I just wish he could find more active, interesting things to do, especially when I'm with him. When he's watching movies/TV or using his phone, I feel ignored and annoyed. I only see him on weekends, and he has the rest of the week to do things by himself. I told him that if he wants to act like he's alone (staying in bed or in another room) he shouldn't come to my house. He thinks I'm trying to kick him out, but I just want more attention/respect!

Posted
My 28-year-old boyfriend has a full-time job, works 5-6 nights a week, plays golf once a week, and sings in a church choir twice a month. I go to school full-time, have two part-time day jobs, serve on event committees, volunteer at church, enjoy several hobbies/sports, and still make time for my boyfriend/family/friends.

 

So you are a very active social kind of person and he isn't. Okay.

 

I don't want to give up on him, but I'm starting to find him really dull. He's not entirely lazy because he does help with household chores (if asked) or with running errands. I just wish he could find more active, interesting things to do, especially when I'm with him.

 

Please understand that you are using your values in order to judge the lifestyle of your boyfriend. I imagine that he has always been like this since you didn't say otherwise. So you got into a relationship with someone who is fundamentally different to you and now you're pissed about it?

 

I just want more attention/respect!

 

Not to sound harsh here, but if that's what you want, you'll have to find it outside of a relationship with him. He won't change because you want him to. He is who he is. For him, sitting at home with the TV is his way to unwind, relax. The fact you fit more into your week than he does doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong. You have different energy levels, different lifestyles, different interests. Time to move on.

  • Like 8
Posted

Hi Rik,

 

 

It sounds like you are two fundamentally different people. There's nothing wrong with you or him; you're just different. He's probably not going to change, no matter how much you ask him to. You may be better off finding someone more compatible with your active lifestyle. I wish you the best!

  • Like 3
Posted

He is who he is - and you either accept him and love him for who he is or you move on.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Buddhist, thanks for your reply. You make some great points, and brought up some things I hadn't thought of.

 

 

He doesn't have to be as active or social as me, but I don't understand why he can be so tired or lazy all the time when he has very few responsibilities. Yes, we have different energy levels, but he acts like everything is so tiring and requires too much effort. It doesn't help that he's naturally lean and toned despite his junk food diet and aversion to exercise.

 

 

You're right that I was using my values to judge his lifestyle. True, he's not doing anything wrong by wanting to stay home and watch TV. But then he should just stay at HIS home and watch HIS television. He comes over to my house, turns on my television and barely talks to me. He often watches TV while using his phone (checking Facebook and Instagram, and messaging his family/friends). He might not be social in person, but he's constantly messaging people. It's only when he puts away his phone or the TV is off that he talks a lot to me. I feel like he would talk to me more if I texted him while sitting beside him.

 

 

I support that he has a good relationship with his family, and that he has friends to go out with. I like my space, too, and believe we should have our own lives and friends. But I don't understand why he comes over to just sit and stare at a screen. On top of that, he rarely asks me what TV show or movie I want to watch. He just picks something he likes and assumes that I'll be interested in it.

 

 

I'm not pissed off that he's different than me; I'm pissed off that the TV/movie/phone thing causes him to forget I'm even there. If he wishes to unwind and relax, he can do that at home. Why does he even want to go over to his girlfriend's house if he's not going to pay attention to her? And if it makes a difference, he's not even as interested in sex as I am - once or twice a week is good enough for him - so I doubt he keeps me around for sexual reasons.

Posted
He doesn't have to be as active or social as me, but I don't understand why he can be so tired or lazy all the time when he has very few responsibilities. Yes, we have different energy levels, but he acts like everything is so tiring and requires too much effort.

 

You're still judging him by your own values. While you see working a full time job as having few responsibilities, his body and needs are different to yours. This isn't about him "acting" like everything is tiring - this is about him finding everything tiring. Now, sure there are ways to raise his energy levels (better diet and exercise), but he has to want to be different if he's to change. And he's not going to change because it sounds like he's perfectly happy as he is.

 

Also consider that he may well be an introvert and *needs* to have time out just chilling on social media.

 

If you don't want him to come to your house and just watch TV, then be more proactive about what you want. "You want to come over? Sure! Let's do X" "Sure! I'm working on X and I've love some help"

 

That said, it sounds like you have very little respect for him. I think that just ending it would be better for you both.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Thanks, makemyday. You're probably right that it's a compatibility issue.

  • Author
Posted
You're still judging him by your own values. While you see working a full time job as having few responsibilities, his body and needs are different to yours. This isn't about him "acting" like everything is tiring - this is about him finding everything tiring. Now, sure there are ways to raise his energy levels (better diet and exercise), but he has to want to be different if he's to change. And he's not going to change because it sounds like he's perfectly happy as he is.

 

Also consider that he may well be an introvert and *needs* to have time out just chilling on social media.

 

If you don't want him to come to your house and just watch TV, then be more proactive about what you want. "You want to come over? Sure! Let's do X" "Sure! I'm working on X and I've love some help"

 

That said, it sounds like you have very little respect for him. I think that just ending it would be better for you both.

 

 

Sad, but true. But isn't judging someone with our own values a way of determining if we're compatible with them?

 

 

Yes, he may have a full-time job, but I work more hours than him with my two part-time ones and my full-time school schedule. It's my decision to work and go to school, and to fill my week with activities, but I don't agree that he can't put in more effort to go out on a date with his girlfriend.

 

 

I don't ask or expect him to spend money on me, but there are many free, cheap, and low-hassle activities we could do together. It may seem like I lack respect for him, but I feel disrespected that he doesn't seem excited to do activities with me (it takes a lot of convincing, and then he ends up enjoying himself more than he expected) and a lot of times he is constantly on his phone when we go out. I've had to kindly ask him not to text, answer calls, or check his Facebook while eating meals, going out to restaurants, or visiting friends' homes. I just think it's rude that he can't put down his phone and be "present" and "in the moment."

 

 

I'm thinking of ending it because it seems like he is so used to single life that he doesn't know how to "be" with another person. I love him, but I'm frustrated at his lack of attention and effort.

Posted

That's why he's your boyfriend. You got to know him.

 

And found out he's not compatible with you or your values.

 

 

Maybe you should sit down with him and say - that your practically being ignored because of his obsessive connection to technology.

 

Rather than say he shouldn't bother coming to yours and should stay at home. It's not a clear way to communicate.

 

He may realise his mistake and realise he has a girlfriend. Of he may never change.

 

Then you should move on. It's not as if your married.

  • Like 1
Posted
Sad, but true. But isn't judging someone with our own values a way of determining if we're compatible with them?

 

 

Yes, he may have a full-time job, but I work more hours than him with my two part-time ones and my full-time school schedule. It's my decision to work and go to school, and to fill my week with activities, but I don't agree that he can't put in more effort to go out on a date with his girlfriend.

 

 

I don't ask or expect him to spend money on me, but there are many free, cheap, and low-hassle activities we could do together. It may seem like I lack respect for him, but I feel disrespected that he doesn't seem excited to do activities with me (it takes a lot of convincing, and then he ends up enjoying himself more than he expected) and a lot of times he is constantly on his phone when we go out. I've had to kindly ask him not to text, answer calls, or check his Facebook while eating meals, going out to restaurants, or visiting friends' homes. I just think it's rude that he can't put down his phone and be "present" and "in the moment."

 

 

I'm thinking of ending it because it seems like he is so used to single life that he doesn't know how to "be" with another person. I love him, but I'm frustrated at his lack of attention and effort.

 

Ah yes, looking at your own interests and lifestyle and seeing if the other person's idea of fun matches is crucial. You're spot on. Wanting a guy who does nice stuff with you is perfectly reasonable.

 

I think what I'm noticing in your posts is that you're comparing what you think is normal and reasonable and suggesting that he's not doing it right. That he's not pushing himself hard enough or his needs for rest are too much. But you're forgetting that he's doing what he does because it works for him. Just as you do what you do because it works for you.

 

This isn't a case of him doing stuff wrong. Of him taking too much rest. Or of not wanting to go out. It's not about you being right and him being wrong - it's simply a case of you and him having different, incompatible ideas about how down time should look.

  • Like 1
Posted

I understand where you're coming from. I was with my boyfriend for many years and he was the same exact way. My boyfriend was so lazy and would rather pay attention to the tv than me. Yeah it got really annoying because it seemed like he didn't care. We wouldn't have conversations because he was too busy ignoring me. After a while you get sick of that. We had an on and off relationship and after a while you wonder why you're even with them in the first place. And I yes you have to accept a person for who they are but it's not right that he isn't putting any effort in the relationship so you don't need to deal with it, I do agree with the fact that you can't change him and never will so the best thing to do is go your separate ways. It's hard because you care about him after all but he's clearly not making you happy. When I broke up with my boyfriend I have to say I was so happy. It was hard at first but you have to do what is best for you.

  • Like 1
Posted

I also noticed that you initially talked about not wanting to 'give up on him'. The wording sounded odd, so I Googled it. This is what I found:

 

give up on someone: to stop hoping that someone will improve and stop trying to help or change them

 

I think it's important to delve deeper into why you used this phrase. Is he actually in the process of changing? Does he want to improve? Does he want your help in changing? Thing is, accepting that a person is who they are is quite different to walking away from someone who's trying to acheive change.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
That's why he's your boyfriend. You got to know him.

 

And found out he's not compatible with you or your values.

 

 

Maybe you should sit down with him and say - that your practically being ignored because of his obsessive connection to technology.

 

Rather than say he shouldn't bother coming to yours and should stay at home. It's not a clear way to communicate.

 

He may realise his mistake and realise he has a girlfriend. Of he may never change.

 

Then you should move on. It's not as if your married.

 

 

I've told him before that I feel ignored when he's constantly using technology. I asked him if he could please not use his phone around me so much because I feel like he finds his phone/Facebook/Instagram more interesting than me. The next day he laughed and asked if I was still mad. I saw less of the phone for a few weeks, and now the phone is out again.

 

 

You're right that I could work on communicating more clearly. However, it seems like he thinks I'm trying to control/nag him or prevent him from doing what likes. I told him there's nothing wrong with using his phone or watching television, but out of respect for me, his family, and his friends he could pay attention to us and participate in the conversations/activities.

 

 

I mentioned that he should stay home because if he is disinterested in talking to me, spending time with his friends, and doing activities that aren't always his choosing, it's okay for him to have days to himself. I told him it hurts me when he comes to my house once a week but not care if I'm in the same room or if I'm enjoying myself, too. However, he is very happy and comfortable with the way things are regardless of how I'm feeling.

 

 

He's the one who told me he loved me, and he constantly talks about us getting married and having children. But I find it very difficult to be with someone who is so addicted to his phone. And I can imagine how horrible a future would be with a husband/father who is always in front of the television when he could be watching the children or helping around the house.

Posted

I think Basil is right about this. It's a difference in values. I'm a strong believer that people don't change for other people so I'd do some soul searching to see if this is something you can deal with. If you've already brought this up multiple times and he's not willing or able to meet you in the middle then its probably best for you to move on.

 

Also, does he do other nice things for you that you're possibly not noticing because you're too caught up in what you don't like?

  • Like 3
Posted

It's pretty clear from this post that you've communicated clearly to him the issues.

 

And he's made an effort to change but it didn't stick. And it didn't stick becaue it's just not him. He sounds like he has a bad lifestyle habit. And your not an enough motivation in his life to break out of it.

 

Your not being unreasonable in the way you feel and what your requesting.

 

It is bad to prioritise technology over a girlfriend, entirely as he is doing.

 

He sounds addicted.

 

Best way to fix this is try move on with your life. He will either follow you orstay with his TV and laptop.

 

I've told him before that I feel ignored when he's constantly using technology. I asked him if he could please not use his phone around me so much because I feel like he finds his phone/Facebook/Instagram more interesting than me. The next day he laughed and asked if I was still mad. I saw less of the phone for a few weeks, and now the phone is out again.

 

 

You're right that I could work on communicating more clearly. However, it seems like he thinks I'm trying to control/nag him or prevent him from doing what likes. I told him there's nothing wrong with using his phone or watching television, but out of respect for me, his family, and his friends he could pay attention to us and participate in the conversations/activities.

 

 

I mentioned that he should stay home because if he is disinterested in talking to me, spending time with his friends, and doing activities that aren't always his choosing, it's okay for him to have days to himself. I told him it hurts me when he comes to my house once a week but not care if I'm in the same room or if I'm enjoying myself, too. However, he is very happy and comfortable with the way things are regardless of how I'm feeling.

 

 

He's the one who told me he loved me, and he constantly talks about us getting married and having children. But I find it very difficult to be with someone who is so addicted to his phone. And I can imagine how horrible a future would be with a husband/father who is always in front of the television when he could be watching the children or helping around the house.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I think Basil is right about this. It's a difference in values. I'm a strong believer that people don't change for other people so I'd do some soul searching to see if this is something you can deal with. If you've already brought this up multiple times and he's not willing or able to meet you in the middle then its probably best for you to move on.

 

Also, does he do other nice things for you that you're possibly not noticing because you're too caught up in what you don't like?

 

 

Yes, my boyfriend does do nice things for me. I do notice the good in him - for example, he is kind, funny, mild-tempered, intelligent, and good with kids and animals - and he seems like he genuinely cares about me. He can be a bit protective and has this thing where he wants to go on my phone and read my texts and e-mails. Not sure about that last bit...

 

 

I realize that relationships can't be exactly 50/50, but what bothers me is that I feel like I make an effort to take interest in things he likes, but he doesn't return the favor. I might not love doing it, but I'll spend a couple hours at a golf store, watch him hit balls at the driving range, or go to his family's house for a prayer group even though he leaves me alone and doesn't talk to me in front of them. I usually ask him what movie/show he wants to watch because I want him to enjoy himself. It's when he doesn't ask how I am, doesn't check in to see what I'm doing, or doesn't seem to care if I'm enjoying myself that bothers me. If I can sacrifice to do activities that aren't my choosing, I think he can let me choose the activity, location, or movie/show once in a while (without complaining before or during).

Edited by RIKRAK985
Posted

If you don't want to give him up, then you have to accept that this is the guy you insist upon being with. Your job is not to change him. Your job is to either accept who he is or reject who he is.

 

He still wants to live a single existence. The presence of a girlfriend isn't changing that.

 

If you feel you deserve better treatment, then stop being lazy, end this relationship and go find a guy who wants to act like he's in a relationship.

  • Like 1
Posted

Talking constantly on the phone when he's out with you is just plain disrespectful. You have every right to be offended by this. Find a guy who values and respects you.

  • Like 1
Posted

I mentioned that he should stay home because if he is disinterested in talking to me, spending time with his friends, and doing activities that aren't always his choosing, it's okay for him to have days to himself. I told him it hurts me when he comes to my house once a week but not care if I'm in the same room or if I'm enjoying myself, too. However, he is very happy and comfortable with the way things are regardless of how I'm feeling.

 

 

He's the one who told me he loved me, and he constantly talks about us getting married and having children. But I find it very difficult to be with someone who is so addicted to his phone. And I can imagine how horrible a future would be with a husband/father who is always in front of the television when he could be watching the children or helping around the house.

 

Well then. You know what to do. His idea of love and quality time isn't the same as yours. So don't string yourself along any further with this. Time to go.

  • Like 2
Posted

He sounds like he's lost interest in the relationship. His words (marriage, family) don't line up with his actions. Sorry, but I would let him go.

  • Like 3
Posted

There are very basic differences here.

 

Good news is that if he is so into TV and phone he will not notice that you are not around.

 

Cut the cord before you both get bitter and more annoyed with each other.

  • Like 1
Posted

He is being who he is, and sure you could gee him up into taking your to the park, the cinema, the theatre, the zoo, the beach... but that is not who he is and 6 months down the line you will be back at square one, with a guy who is non-communicative and spending all his spare time on the phone and watching TV.

 

If you stay, you will be the wife always telling him to take out the garbage, bath the baby, mow the lawn, take the clothes out of the dryer and remember to take home some milk... etc. as you cannot trust him to take the initiative, whilst he will wander about on his phone, watching TV, playing golf, completely oblivious to all the work you do to keep the family home running.

If you complain, he will moan about your nagging and disappear down the golf club, and you will grow resentful as he never sees anything to be done off his own bat.

  • Like 1
Posted

I would also like to add that if there is ány chance of him changing it's if/when he realises he might lose you. Right now he's listening to your issues and thinking "yeah sure, but at the end of the day we're still together so why bother". Breaking up with him might be just what he needs to get his **** together.

 

Personally I think it's probably beyond saving though.

  • Like 1
Posted

It's rather difficult for people who are working night shift to have active social lives simply due to the nature of their work. They are off work when everyone else is working, and working when everyone else is off work. Also most people suffer from lethargy, tiredness etc from night shifts because it doesn't fit their innate sleep habits. Trust me, it is something that you cannot understand unless you have tried it for a long period of time. Same goes for the (far fewer) extreme night owls who are forced into working a 9-5 shift.

 

That being said, this doesn't have to be your problem. And you are right, you aren't compatible. So if you can't accept this, best to leave.

  • Like 3
Posted

Relationships are so hard. What are your expectations of him or what would you like to see him do? Maybe looking down the road a couple years will help you define what you want now. Good luck.

  • Like 1
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