When will I get over this

[igiveup12910]

Hi guys

I have been a watcher of this forum for years, this is the first time I have felt the need to sign up and post my own story.

 

I have 2 children, age 6 and 4. I was in a 5year relationship with their father until I finally got out 2 and a half years ago. He was a pathological liar, even believed his own lies. Everything from money to work to women was made up. He cheated too. He then controlled me with suicide threats etc, convinced me I couldnt cope with the kids withoit him, I was depressed/delusional/the one with the problem/was ugly every time I tried to leave until the final time I walked out and never looked back. For a year prior to walking out I had no love or respect for him and was fighting back my independence He still creeps me out but had a good relationship with the kids seeing them once a week plus a 3 night stay once a fortnight which is great for me.

 

Anyways fast forward to 21 months ago I met G. By this point Id been single 6/7months was happy, had a social life (career sorted already) but was still a bit "wild" had a few dating experiences, nobody significant just casual things. I had it together, I knew that my ex was the one with the problem, not all men are like that. G was different. A cheeky "bad" boy. He like designer clothes, partying and had his own place and car and good job. G seemed to have his **** together, he didnt slag off his exes like most guys, he paid his own bills, he wasnt overly clingy but he was into me - attentive, he had his own friends and didn't seem to mind me having my own life, basically G was a catch or so I thought. I ignored the little red flags for 6-9 months - the fact that he didn't want anything on Facebook, told me he didn't text other girls but once I peeked at a text that showed me he had (served me right for looking I thought and dismissed it), didn't meet his friends or family etc but he spent most nights at mine (my kids are young so in bed by 7 but they'd see him around in morning). Anyway I felt strong and independent and felt that even if he did mess me around I'd always be okay.

 

It's gone downhill since then. I suppose it started 8 months in - last June when we were talking about how happy we were, amazing being in each others company, wanted a future etc. I had a last minute chance at a girls night out and rescheduled a night in with G . G was laid back and understanding as usual - telling me to go enjoy myself as I didn't take the chance often and we'do have our night the next night. So I spent this night telling old friends about how wonderful he was etc and in a blissful minute decided to announce our relationship "status" on Facebook. Ahhh disaster! To cut a long story short I discover he's a cheat at this point and because I cancelled our night together he spent it with someone else. I have proof about one girl from this night and suspicions about another. I kick him to the kerb then take him back within weeks. I have wobbles and finish it again a couple of times. During one of these times I kiss a stranger in a pub and I text a friend of friend to show interest and arrange a date. I chicken out. I'm approached by guy on a night out who wants my number etc which I refuse as I'm not sure what I want to happen with G. He tracks me down through a friend to show interest again and I still refuse even though I like him!

 

G still denies his cheating and all trust is gone but I decide to stick around so I can hurt further down the line. I take him back and BEFORE I do so I tell him about the pub and texts. He seems okay and is glad I've been honest but he's held it against me since then - used it as an excuse to check my phone daily, not to trust me, to make accusations against me.

 

I started to lose my own life - if I went out I was worried about what he was up to and went home to meet him early. he'd party but uses recreational drugs (part of our 'friend' crowd so in itself not a big deal to me) get himself in a state, he couldn't be alone because he's now a paranod wreck - if I wasn't with him he'd been talking to someone on Facebook or looking at online dating websites. Suddenly if I'm out with the girls he's "dropping in to see if I'm ok" he's panicking if I don't answer my phone on the first ring, spends every night at my house as he doesn't want to go home. I couldn't see it then but I see it now.

 

Some things from this part really burn. discussions about commitment and he tells me his friends think he is waiting for a model or perfect woman (his words) and that I'm nice enough and he should settle down with me. my confidence starts nose-diving here and I begin to feel worthless and ugly and not good enough.

 

since Christmas he's spent more and more time with my kids, he's been good with them, stepped up and taken a real interest and been a great help and influence on them. We've had disagreements as he wants to be able to discipline them.

 

I realise he's unreliable - he can't help me during a flat tyre on a very important trip to work cos he's just made a cup of tea, he is a joiner but wants me to pay his full rate to do some minor work even though I do most of his cooking and cleaning and helped him set up his business?? He stays over a lot, using my food, heating, water etc. but only hands over a minimum each week to save the nagging from me - saying that he still has to pay his own bills when he's here he still has to pay his own bills and I have a good job so can afford my own bills. He let's my mum down for work in her husbands bedroom the day before he is due out of hospital (he was supposed to make it fit for him after brain injury and my mum was paying him but he got a better offer) and there is uproar in my family.

 

At the same time he has just become horrendous. I use Facebook for work and the buying and selling sites. I don't delete anything in my phone because there's nothing to hide (it's all boring or stuff about my kids) but there is a problem with everything he sees. I'm not allowed to message workmen arranging jobs for my mum because he's a tradesman so it looks bad on him... its inappropriate to end a message to a male friend (not close friend) selling a car with a "x" even though it's just habit and I sent all my female friends and my dad and my brother "x"s. I've sent too many texts to my children's father even though they are all there and when he reads through he can see that every single one is about the kids (my daughter was having some health problems and problems at school which needed a bit more contact with her dad than usual), I shouldn't have "random" male friends on Facebook (nice genuine people I went to school/worked with/kids done things together etc), I shouldn't even have Facebook blah blah

 

Then came the first serious accusation. My friends Dad who is in his 50s or 60s and a bit "odd" loner "not quite there" (he is possibly a learning or socially disabled) randomly sends me a single inappropriate message so I immediately block him and forget about it. later that day I meet G and we are happy and having fun so I forget to mention this. He's doing his check of my phone and messages and sees this and absolutely flips - accusing me of hiding things with this dirty old man! I'm shocked and hurt and disgusted. I'm already having confidence issues and feeling ugly and low with the way he treats me. How DARE he think I am capable of something so awful!?!? Does he think i am an absolute desperate worthless person? I'm hurt and crushed and after a few days he apologises and puts it down to drink and drug paranoia and I am able to bury it somewhere inside me.

 

I change of my Facebook, make sure nobody can contact me who wouldn't have a reason but still this isn't enough.

He accuses me of lying about who I'm with or where I am. That's the thing that really gets me Like I am not a perfect girlfriend but I'm loyal to the bone - I once cheated on a boyfriend when I was 14 and have felt guilt and shame since. Cheating goes against everything I believe in and respect. I guess it hurts so much that he is suspicious of me or believes I'm hiding something because if he believes that then he really knows nothing about me or my values etc

 

2 weeks ago he starts trouble with someone I accidentally knock into at an awards thing where he's had a few drinks (I stopped briefly to apologise to this gentleman and G storms over and demands to know what we're doing).

 

At the weekend I had some food and drinks with my sister and friends. I leave early at 10.30 to meet G as per usual. I'm pretty drunk and me and my friend are giggling about how many shots etc we've had and I'm laughing and whispering "Shsh don't tell G it's a secret" meaning the shots of course G flips demanding to know what the secret is and the night is ruined. We walk home and get to mine. my friend is staying at mine because she can't get a taxi. I want to give her my phone to set as an alarm for her work in a few hours and in front of G I wipe my text messages (because there are so many personal/private messages to I don't want anyone to see and I don't trust said friend not to be nosy). The other messages in my phone are boring - from mum, dad, sister, work or my ex about childcare arrangements and he's read them all 50 million times anyway. He still flips out again and refuses to give my friend the phone so he can check it himself. He goes through my Facebook and of course finds nothing.

 

Then he finds a few messages to his young cousin who is 15/16 and an apprentice for G. The messages are from me trying to get hold of G (because he never has his phone on and often contacts me through his friends or cousins so this contact is normal) so that they can come and help as my lock is broken. The last message says something like "it's okay I got in but tell him he's in my bad books as I just had to climb a ladder in a skirt so he'll have to cook his own dinner tonight haha" G reacts to this calling me disgusting, saying it's inappropriate etc. I'm heartbroken about his, why would he even think this about me. I ask him to leave and my friend overhears and comes to intervene and there is a big drama.

 

What the f!!! How dare he? After everything I've done for him and put up with he thinks so little of me that I am capable of these awful awful things.

 

I have attempted to talk to him since and he stands by what he has said. He just turned up at my house to "see the dog" and to tell me how hurt he is over my "secret" and that I deleted my messages. Grrrr. I'm just shocked and so hurt over that. I feel overwhelming rage and urge to clear my name. At the same time I feel shame and embarrassment, what if others feel the same. I keep thinking about the message to his young cousin - I can't bear the thought of anyone else thinking that's inappropriate but what if they do?? Im really embarrassed now. It was only meant in a funny way, I know his young cousin well more in a brotherly or role model kinda way. To think that G or his family/friends think I had some other intention or meaning is just really awful horrible unbearable to think about.

 

My kids are fine as although he spent time with them a strong bond hasn't been formed and normally he is home after they go to bed or away early so him not around them is normal (they will miss him at weekends but they have mummy to keep them busy)

 

I just want him out of my life. I want to forget that he ever existed and forget this pain He took whatever dignity, self-esteem, happiness, trust in people I had scraped together after my relationship with the kids dad and he took all this away from me left me in the gutter with nothing. I know for certain I'm in a worse place than I was before I met him. I don't know if I can come back from this and my confidence is at an all time low.

 

is everyone like this? I keep thinking back to his comments at the start of relationship about not being a model. I have issues with my appearance - minor before but major now. I just can't get rid of the thought that if I was pretty or beautiful I'd be worth more to men and wouldn't be treated like trash.

 

I used to suffer anxiety in the past and it has come back recently and I've realised he is the trigger now as I am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for him to decide I've done something wrong.

 

I've lost all faith in people, everybody lies and cheats. I even see work colleagues doing it. Girls pretending to be friends and going with other girls boyfriends. People judging people on looks and status. Everyone looking out for the self's and nobody else.

 

My kids are my world. They are the only thing keeping me going right now. I get out of bed in the morning so I can see their smile and make their day as beautiful and happy and fun as possible. So I can protect them from all the crappy people out there. I force myself to go to work so we can keep surviving as a family.

 

I hate him for what he has put me through but also I love him. I can't bear the thought of him hooking up with someone else but I know he isn't capable of being alone so that's going to happen very soon. I don't understand why I have to hurt like this. Why me? I shouldn't be feeling very sorry for myself but it's hard not to mope. I can hardly think about anything else

 

What if he worms his way back in again and I have to go through this again and again. What if it's only pretty and confident girls who hook the good guys? What if he moves on to someone amazing and I'm left here wallowing and ugly forever.

 

Just want to get back to happy me again

[MsJayne]

Do you really want a five star jerk in your life? Really? For goodness sake keep this obnoxious parasite away from you, and more importantly away from your kids. When you say you 'love' him......sorry, but no one can love someone who abuses them. You've become emotionally dependent on him because he's diminished you to the point where you believe no one else would want you, but that's not love, it's something else entirely, and people often mistake emotional dependence for love. As far as believing you're ugly, well, that's just a symptom of hanging out with a misogynistic little creep. This guy has issues with women, big issues, and you needn't be upset about him hooking up with someone else, because when he does he'll be just as much of a pig to her as he has been to you. And when she dumps him he'll find another woman to be a pig to, and so on, and so on. Don't be one of those women who settle for taking crap from a pig, you deserve better and you don't want your kids to grow up seeing you being a doormat.

[MsJayne]

Oh, I forgot....in answer to your actual question, you'll get over it when you wake up and see him for the loser he is.

[igiveup12910]

Thank you. Guess I needed to hear that. You know what I'm actually less stressed on my own... only me and the kids and we were busy and happy today. I pulled it together a bit, after school/work we played at the park then had visitors and I even cleaned and freshened up the house a bit.

 

Still thinking about him all the time. obviously he's a total pig. He thought he owned me and I realize he was trying to dictate my life. Why did he treat me like ****. Still trying trying to figure out how he is so nice and loving sometimes. How did I fall for him? What is wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be treated nicely.

 

I was thinking maybe I am in a better place now than before I met him cos now I know exactly what I dont want and I know all the tricks and warning signs of the wrong men. I can fix the damage this awful relationship has done to my head. My next relationship won't be for a long time but at least by then I will know my worth and my boundaries and I will find the right relationship. I won't be treated like crap. Here I am starting again a 2nd time and the world hasn't ended - go me!