This is how I was DUMPED/DISCARDED after years?What did I do to be treated like this?

May 31, 2016

My break up story... I met him 2 years ago. I'm a single working professional 30 year old and he is a 34 year old divorcee with 3 children (5, 7 and 9).

He was carrying out some work next to my workplace. We'd bump into each other in passing. He approached me after a few weeks and we began to date. It was a different relationship as I was single with no kids and he had 3 with 2 baby mothers.

We began a relationship shortly. Unfortunately, I came to find out 7 months later that he was trying reconcile with his ex wife whilst with me. She was not interested and contacted the police to stop him. That is when I found out.

He apologised and said he was confused because of his kids but it was me he wanted. He said all the right things and I agreed to stay but things weren't the same. He became emotionally abusive to me, swearing at me, putting me down, accusing me of cheating on him and how I was a bad gf. Then he would tell me I was the best thing to happen to him and he loved me more than life. I should have left but I stayed because I was emotionally attached to him. He would be love bombing me one day and abusive the next day etc.

1.5 years of being with him, I had fallen quite ill and ended in hospital with a severe infection. Tests had shown I had an std and was pregnant ( I used the oral pill and we were both tested clear prior to starting a relationship). I knew I had not with anyone so the only person was him. After learning how ill I was, he confessed to sleeping with a few girls whilst he was with me- one being just a few months ago.

He made it clear he didn't want a child and he would have no contact with me or the child if I did keep it. He left me. He walked out the hospital and told me to never contact him again. I lost the baby 3 weeks later. My mum rang him to tell him I had lost the baby during the night but he didn't contact me or ask how I was (he was dating a new girl whilst I was pregnant). A month after the miscarriage, he contacted me, The usual I am sorry and he wanted me back. I told him I wanted nothing more from him for good. We had broken up.

I was so angry, hurt and resentful at everything and everyone. I was broken. I wasn't the same happy healthy fun loving girl I used to be. Unfortunately, due to starting a business together, I had to still speak to him until I could get out of business with him which was going to be several months. I still had to speak to him every few week or so. And it would always end up in a nasty argument of how he could cheat, lie and hurt me. He always made excuses for his behaviour and told me it was my fault.

I was always drained and I looked terrible. My skin was grey, spotty, gaunt and my hair was falling out from the stress of the abuse and hurt. Whilst we had spilt up, he tried getting back with me, hoovering me whilst still dating and seeing other girls. This was causing me more distress so I made the decision to terminate out the business without taking any money or assets. Another loss for me.

I went to collect the last of my things from his house (business office at his house) as I had signed everything to him. To be honest, he looked great. I'd not seen him for a few months. He looked happy, and healthy. He was so smug and told me to get over the past and get some anti depressants to sort myself out. I saw red! I looked a complete mess emotionally and physically. I was depressed and full of anxiety all the time because of what he did to me. I lost my temper and called him every name under the sun. I took his phone and made him delete my number and to never contact me as I hated everything he did to me. I blocked him on everything and made him he block me. He called me crazy and threw me out of his house whilst I was screaming and swearing at him.

I was shaking all the way home. I looked worse and couldn't stop crying. I was so unhappy because I was so angry at how he treated me, how he could cheat, lie, abuse me and not care. I stopped the car and opened the door and I landed on the floor, curled up in a ball crying. I was so ashamed of how I behaved. I acted just like he used to treat me all the time. I lost my temper and I turned into him. I treated him how he used to treat me as it was the only thing I knew for years.

I was carrying this anger for years and the only person I was hurting was me. It did nothing to change my life. I didn't want to turn into a person like him which I slowly was becoming. I read this quote online whilst looking for help -

"Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hurt and makes possible a future that is not trapped in the hatred of the past"

I decided the only way to move forward was to forgive him. I made peace with my head and heart and that second a huge weight lifted off my head. Forgiving him made me happier. After 2 years, I was able to let go of him and all the pain and hate I was carrying inside me. I was free of my anger.

I sent him a message to apologise for my erratic behaviour at his house, and the anger and resentment I had shown to him for months. I told him that I forgive him and one day I hope we can both stop the hate we have shown for months and be okay so I like to extend the hand of friendship for that one day in the future ....

His reply was " Don't ever contact me, I don't like you, as far as I'm concerned I want to forget we ever met, I will never unblock you or talk to you again. You need to find someone like yourself to be with so good luck!"

That is how my two year relationship ended. He cheated and hurt me right to the very end....... Did I deserve that? Am I a bad person?

Never the less, I FORGIVE him...... X

May 31, 2016

You have nothing to apologize for. He should be the one apologizing. Apologizing that he cheated on you multiple times and gave you an STD. I think the first red flag would be that his ex-wife contacted the police on him. People don't contact the police unless it's something serious. This guy is all kinds of unstable. Stay the heck away from him.

May 31, 2016

When you forgive someone, there need not be an announcement. There is no need for declaration. Forgiveness come from within and stays within. It is not for the benefit of the other person but for you and you alone.

I'm not sure why you apologized to him for your behavior -- it could be that deep inside you still needed his validation/acceptance. It's apparent because why would anyone suggest "friendship" after being treated so horribly? Define the word "friend" -- in reality he's not someone you would want to have in your life. He doesn't qualify. You gave him the satisfaction of feeling superior over you and it gave him a great ego boost and that is why he responded to you that way.

Stay NC. Keep him blocked. You will get through this and come out stronger and wiser. Your value isn't tied to the way he treated you. Feel blessed that this is over and that you can now go on with your life, free from hurt and pain. It's going to be awhile for you to get there but you will.

May 31, 2016

You have nothing to apologize for. He should be the one apologizing. Apologizing that he cheated on you multiple times and gave you an STD. I think the first red flag would be that his ex-wife contacted the police on him. People don't contact the police unless it's something serious. This guy is all kinds of unstable. Stay the heck away from him.

Thank you for the response. She contacted the police as he would not stop emailing her. He said he was contacting about the kids at that time so that was his defence. I came to learn the truth later on. He did apologise for cheating on me and the STD but his behaviour, attitude and abuse towards me never changed.

I apologised for lashing out on him and the anger I had shown him for months as a result of his cheating. I guess I thought forgiving him meant apologising for my bad behaviour but he discarded me. I'm glad I did somewhat apologise as I got to see his true colours right to the very end of everything. He was always a rotten apple and will continue to be.

May 31, 2016

Forgiveness is for you, not him. You have forgave so block him from ever contacting you again, hold your head high and move on. He was never your friend so I don't know why you would extend your hand in friendship. Now you know better so you will do better.

May 31, 2016

When you forgive someone, there need not be an announcement. There is no need for declaration. Forgiveness come from within and stays within. It is not for the benefit of the other person but for you and you alone.

I'm not sure why you apologized to him for your behavior -- it could be that deep inside you still needed his validation/acceptance. It's apparent because why would anyone suggest "friendship" after being treated so horribly? Define the word "friend" -- in reality he's not someone you would want to have in your life. He doesn't qualify. You gave him the satisfaction of feeling superior over you and it gave him a great ego boost and that is why he responded to you that way.

Stay NC. Keep him blocked. You will get through this and come out stronger and wiser. Your value isn't tied to the way he treated you. Feel blessed that this is over and that you can now go on with your life, free from hurt and pain. It's going to be awhile for you to get there but you will.

Thank you for the response. I apologised for reacting badly in his house and swearing at him. I lashed out and became so angry towards him. He was taken aback. It was the first time I behaved kicking and screaming and I felt ashamed afterwards.

I forgave him to free myself and I told him so that he wouldn't think badly of me I guess. We have the same circle of friends now and business contacts so I meant friendship as in "no hostility" if our paths cross in any situation, as in the past we couldn't say two civil words.

I will not contact him again and I hope my self esteem grows in time as at this moment it isn't great

May 31, 2016

Thank you for the response. She contacted the police as he would not stop emailing her. He said he was contacting about the kids at that time so that was his defence. I came to learn the truth later on. He did apologise for cheating on me and the STD but his behaviour, attitude and abuse towards me never changed.

I apologised for lashing out on him and the anger I had shown him for months as a result of his cheating. I guess I thought forgiving him meant apologising for my bad behaviour but he discarded me. I'm glad I did somewhat apologise as I got to see his true colours right to the very end of everything. He was always a rotten apple and will continue to be.

Forgiveness means that you accept it happened but it does it control your life anymore. It's a tricky concept. I didn't really understand what forgiveness meant until I was put in a situation where I felt like I needed to forgive someone to move on. Zahara is correct. Forgiveness is really just for you. You forgive them because they can't pay it back or make up what happened. What you really want, is for the whole thing not have happened. But we can't have that. What's done is done. Emotional debts aren't like monetary debts. To forgive those, you have to let go of them and move on. And that usually takes a long time.

May 31, 2016

Thank you for the response. She contacted the police as he would not stop emailing her. He said he was contacting about the kids at that time so that was his defence. I came to learn the truth later on. He did apologise for cheating on me and the STD but his behaviour, attitude and abuse towards me never changed.

I apologised for lashing out on him and the anger I had shown him for months as a result of his cheating. I guess I thought forgiving him meant apologising for my bad behaviour but he discarded me. I'm glad I did somewhat apologise as I got to see his true colours right to the very end of everything. He was always a rotten apple and will continue to be.

Honey, he was showing you his true colors all along that is why you were angry. He treated you horribly and the only thing he told you was to get over it. Still you felt the need to apologize to him. You need to examine why you would want to be friends with someone who clearly has NO respect for you. He wanted his wife back and used the kids as his excuse. She didn't want him so he took it out on you and the rest of the women he was seeing. TBH, he isn't even worth this thread.

May 31, 2016

Thank you for the response. I apologised for reacting badly in his house and swearing at him. I lashed out and became so angry towards him. He was taken aback. It was the first time I behaved kicking and screaming and I felt ashamed afterwards.

I forgave him to free myself and I told him so that he wouldn't think badly of me I guess. We have the same circle of friends now and business contacts so I meant friendship as in "no hostility" if our paths cross in any situation, as in the past we couldn't say two civil words.

I will not contact him again and I hope my self esteem grows in time as at this moment it isn't great

You will heal from this. Just stay strict NC. You're going to be just fine. There's going to come a time when you look at this as a huge blessing in your life. Imagine if you married him -- it could have been far worse. A bullet dodged.

May 31, 2016

Honey, he was showing you his true colors all along that is why you were angry. He treated you horribly and the only thing he told you was to get over it. Still you felt the need to apologize to him. You need to examine why you would want to be friends with someone who clearly has NO respect for you. He wanted his wife back and used the kids as his excuse. She didn't want him so he took it out on you and the rest of the women he was seeing. TBH, he isn't even worth this thread.

This is probably the best thing I have heard for a very long time. I come from a very lovely family. My family are all working professionals, both my parents are surgeons and my siblings are dentists. Myself a banker.

My parents showed me a lot of love whilst I was growing up and always encouraged me to be polite, honest and caring.

My ex grew up on a rough estate, with no education. He worked as a labourer and did provide for his family. He was a good dad and did the best he could.

His ex's were the same (in and out of temp work). My ex told me that he was attracted to how classy, independent and attracted he was to me. He took all that away from me over the years and I became a very unhappy, angry, depressed girl. I look different too. My eyes, skin, hair, body...

I guess there was aspects of mental abuse in the relationship but you are right in everything you have said so I will make sure I listen to each and every word and implement it into my life

May 31, 2016

Forgiveness is for you, not him. You have forgave so block him from ever contacting you again, hold your head high and move on. He was never your friend so I don't know why you would extend your hand in friendship. Now you know better so you will do better.

Thank you. I think it just hurts to know someone could still treat you so badly after seeing you so hurt in the past by their actions. I made the error of giving him the upper hand by apologising so time to hold my head high and move on.

May 31, 2016

My eyes, skin, hair, body...

All of this will come back once you start to heal. I once went through a breakup, flew home to a family function and my parents didn't even recognize me when the plane landed. That guy had sucked the life right out of me and if I had stayed with him I'd probably be dead by now. Years later I ran into him and his wife at a concert and guess what? She looked like he had sucked the life out of her and I was so glad it wasn't me.

Sign In

This is how I was DUMPED/DISCARDED after years?What did I do to be treated like this?

Recommended Posts

busynazz

BC1980

Zahara

busynazz

stillafool

busynazz

BC1980

stillafool

Zahara

busynazz

busynazz

stillafool

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...