Dating… I Clearly Can’t Handle It Anymore

[Zippy2000]

I give him my number.

Next morning he texts me...

Him: I had a great time talking and dancing with you last night!

Can I see you again?

Me: Sure, I would like that. I am free Tues and Thursday eve this week.

Him: (crickets)...

That was 4 days ago.

Lol

 

Lol at "crickets". May as well add in "wind and tumble weed blowing about".

 

Any update on the fella?

[joseb]

Yes, I think our posts crossed paths....,

 

That's when he laid it on thick with the "you're worth it" lines. Gag. Should've known.

 

Yip I saw your other post after I posted.

 

Gag indeed! He's been watching too many L'Oréal ads

[tinkerbell16]

Yes, I think our posts crossed paths. I've had friends admit this to me. "Grass is always greener", I guess.

 

 

 

This last time, there have been 2-3 guys in the running. One I like much more than the others, who is the subject of this post. He and I have been on 6-7 dates, I think? Maybe more. The other guy (who recently ghosted on me), we've only been on 2. The last one, just one date. I was also set up by a friend with someone, but we haven't met yet, and I honestly don't think I even want to.

 

 

 

I should probably clarify, because I kind of said this to him in jest, but I think I got my point across. He was being persistent, and I finally told him that I was just over dating in general. That's when he laid it on thick with the "you're worth it" lines. Gag. Should've known.

 

Curious if you are being intimate if the fade happens after you are intimate. if that is the common theme then you are being played by players who will say and do just about anything for it.

[Lovelorn00]

Haha I went out with friends this past weekend. My friends are single and looking. I am single and over it so not looking. Handsome, smart, well traveled, successful man approaches me. Is at my hip the whole night. I am thinking "hey, I am not looking and this guy's lucky I even shaved my legs before I left the house lol" So chat with him for hours while my friends are off with their "catches". We dance for hours, we sit and talk everything from business to family to passions to music. At one point he is looking at me and just smiling from ear to ear. The look of wow... he is enamored with me and hanging on every word I say. End of the night we hug and he asks for my number and I am thinking hey... I am not even looking and here you are all making it so easy and maybe this is what people say... when you aren't looking it happens.

I give him my number.

Next morning he texts me...

Him: I had a great time talking and dancing with you last night!

Can I see you again?

Me: Sure, I would like that. I am free Tues and Thursday eve this week.

Him: (crickets)...

That was 4 days ago.

Lol

 

UGH!!!! I HATE THIS!! lol This is exactly what I'm talking about! Even when we aren't looking - even when we least expect it - we're still blindsided by the a**clowns and jerks! The situation you've described has happened WAY too many times to me. It actually happened a couple of weeks ago with a guy that I met at a festival. I'm guessing it's an ego thing for them? Like maybe they just want to see if you'll say yes to a date, but they don't really intend to take you on an actual date? Or maybe this guy has a girlfriend/wife and his conscience suddenly kicked in after he texted you? I have no idea. This behavior is baffling to me!

[Lovelorn00]

Lol at "crickets". May as well add in "wind and tumble weed blowing about".

 

Any update on the fella?

 

Lol All of those things!!

 

Yes, he actually *GASP* initiated and sent me a text about an hour ago about a band that's coming to town soon. I dunno - even if this behavior doesn't indicate a lack of interest, I just don't know if I can be with someone who has such poor communication habits.

 

What's funny is that I even told him that he seemed uninterested, and he laughed, because he thought he was very clearly showing interest. Sorry, dude - waiting a day to respond to a text = NOT INTERESTED.

[Lovelorn00]

Curious if you are being intimate if the fade happens after you are intimate. if that is the common theme then you are being played by players who will say and do just about anything for it.

 

No, never. In fact, I think that's the reason why I get faded on so often. I'm slower than most when it comes to being intimate with someone. I won't sleep with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them. I think, in my age group, it's way too easy for guys to score an easy lay (thanks, Tinder) that they really see no reason to continue with someone who isn't going to put out on the first date.

 

That's just my personal opinion, though. I don't know if that's what's really going on in my situation.

[tinkerbell16]

Lol at "crickets". May as well add in "wind and tumble weed blowing about".

 

Any update on the fella?

 

Nope. I will assume he was on a work visa from Mars and his mother ship came for him... exactly one second after I texted him.

This is not the first time this has happened to me btw. I had my last "boyfriend" tell me he loves me (for the first time and I had not said it to him yet because I wasn't there yet) after about 2 mos dating while ending a phone convo. He also said the exact same week how great I am... how much he enjoys being with me... how smart I am... how much his kids like me... Then a few days later no show for date (first for me) then nada. Radio silence. Poof. Guess he freaked his own self out. I posted about this concept of guys bolting after literally telling me how perfect I am. I joke that I will work on being less perfect to keep them but nah... I am quirky, funny, resilient, genuine, hard working, grounded and adventurous and I am perfectly happy being me

[Lovelorn00]

Nope. I will assume he was on a work visa from Mars and his mother ship came for him... exactly one second after I texted him.

 

EXACTLY!!

 

This is not the first time this has happened to me btw. I had my last "boyfriend" tell me he loves me (for the first time and I had not said it to him yet because I wasn't there yet) after about 2 mos dating while ending a phone convo. He also said the exact same week how great I am... how much he enjoys being with me... how smart I am... how much his kids like me... Then a few days later no show for date (first for me) then nada. Radio silence. Poof. Guess he freaked his own self out. I posted about this concept of guys bolting after literally telling me how perfect I am. I joke that I will work on being less perfect to keep them but nah... I am quirky, funny, resilient, genuine, hard working, grounded and adventurous and I am perfectly happy being me

 

Yeah, it sounds like he was falling for you hard and didn't know how to handle it. That's the only explanation I can think of for behavior like that. Either that or it's the ol' "too good to be true" stuff. Always be wary of guys who lay it on thick with the compliments and the lovey dovey stuff. I learned that the hard way with a guy I posted about back in March. My guy said all that stuff WAY too soon, so that should've been my first red flag. 2 months in, though? Yeah, I think he was freaked out.

[tinkerbell16]

No, never. In fact, I think that's the reason why I get faded on so often. I'm slower than most when it comes to being intimate with someone. I won't sleep with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them. I think, in my age group, it's way too easy for guys to score an easy lay (thanks, Tinder) that they really see no reason to continue with someone who isn't going to put out on the first date.

 

That's just my personal opinion, though. I don't know if that's what's really going on in my situation.

 

Clearly we are just attracting a**clowns! I sometimes wonder if my appearance attracts a certain type of "man". I definitely want to figure it out. I am getting to old for the game. Too tiring. I get the constant questions too from people. They are intrigued by my dating life. Meanwhile I just want something that is real. Not a Fabio white horse riding kinda guy. Ya know, someone to hold your hair back when you have the flu kind of love. If he can make me laugh, quote poetry, have great hands and lips even better. Lol

[tinkerbell16]

No, never. In fact, I think that's the reason why I get faded on so often. I'm slower than most when it comes to being intimate with someone. I won't sleep with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them. I think, in my age group, it's way too easy for guys to score an easy lay (thanks, Tinder) that they really see no reason to continue with someone who isn't going to put out on the first date.

 

That's just my personal opinion, though. I don't know if that's what's really going on in my situation.

 

I do think guys can score very easily with the current dating climate. Milk is free on every corner so why put effort into anyone. The overall culture needs to change. There is a great video on youtube called "economy of sex" that is rather eye opening on this subject. Every woman and especially young women should see it.

[tinkerbell16]

Lol All of those things!!

 

Yes, he actually *GASP* initiated and sent me a text about an hour ago about a band that's coming to town soon. I dunno - even if this behavior doesn't indicate a lack of interest, I just don't know if I can be with someone who has such poor communication habits.

 

What's funny is that I even told him that he seemed uninterested, and he laughed, because he thought he was very clearly showing interest. Sorry, dude - waiting a day to respond to a text = NOT INTERESTED.

 

Maybe it's primal... these guys like the chase and once you are hooked they lose interest. I would mirror all his actions. If he takes a day to respond take a day plus 1 min. Lol. Or we could all be adults and be honest and clear about our feelings... but I digress...

[Zapbasket]

I think the browse / swipe / click / "you have a new match!" / profile photo aspect of online dating turns interactions into commodities and it flattens the mystery and depth of getting to know another human being into the same kind of superficial transaction as buying things. I think it changes our mentality about "connecting" with another person because the "connection" becomes a "thing." And you can't *acquire* connections; you must *make* them. It's a creative act as well as something that occurs almost by chance, since any one person can only affect part of the interaction. So to get online and search for a connection becomes a very different thing than being out in your life, filling your hours with this that and the other including socialization in all its forms, and "searching" for connection simply by LIVING and being in touch with what YOU want, rather than "what's out there," the latter being very much a shopper's mentality.

 

So it's no wonder that the whole online dating process can get monotonous and meaningless over time.

 

I feel convinced that the cure for that malaise is to just focus on living your life, get off the computer, shut down the dating sites, and date YOURSELF. As my mom always has said, "No company is always better than bad company." There's something liberating about setting up a fancy dinner date with yourself--when I was 23 I used some money I inherited from my recently deceased, beloved grandfather to take a solo vacation on an island; I spent all day in the water boating, kayaking, swimming, boogie-boarding or walking miles of beach, and then would dress to the nines for a seafood dinner at a fancy seaside restaurant, drink wine, people watch, and read Bernard Malamud short stories. People stared and I'd just smile at them and go about happily cracking lobster tails and crab legs: they were the best "dates" ever :-)

 

Sometimes, you have to put out your "closed for business" sign and bring it all back home to YOU. It sounds like that's what's needed in your case for a while, OP.

[katiegrl]

…

At first, this guy was super chatty. Texting, phone calls, etc. Now, I only hear from him every few days. When I initiate, it takes him between 12-24 hours to respond. It’s not like I’m asking him deep life questions. These are simple questions like, “Are you working this weekend?” or “Have you seen this new movie?” I'll get a response a day later. I then respond, and then it takes another day to hear back again. It's effing exhausting.

 

 

Hi LL.... so sorry to hear this! I was hoping you were still with that guy you posted about over a month ago!

 

Anyway, I hope I don't sound too preachy here (not my intention).... but with respect to above and bolded, I have a motto. I use it often on this board.

 

"Choose wisely from the getgo and avoid confusion, disappointment and hurt later."

 

And even though they find you or choose you initially, if you accept than YOU are choosing them too.

 

What has ALWAYS worked for me and kept a guy coming back was this.

 

When a guy comes on strong initially, texting, calling, wants to see me every night or too often etc. don't fall into the trap. YOU SET THE PACE. Slow him down! By not always being available, even if it's just washing your hair!

 

No seeing each other every night no matter how intoxicating the chemistry. I know it is SO easy to fall into that. You have met this great guy. He seems so into you, you're excited -- you want to see him!! I get it, 100%.

 

But when it starts off like that ... it's gonna burn out, .... so again slow it down. Sure there are exceptions, but they are rare.

 

Give him a chance to WONDER about you, think about you and miss you!

 

But even if you slip, and start off fast, once they start pulling back and slowing down their pursuit, YOU pull back.

 

If it takes him 12-24 to respond, YOU take 12-24 to respond back.

 

Or better yet, dump him! He's wishy washy! Comes on strong, pulls back, ugh! Red flag, who needs it.....just dump him and start over. It's still early on so shouldn't be that big of a deal, right?

 

You control it, NOT them.

 

Trust me you will feel TONS better when you're in charge of what happens in your RLs, and NOT THEM.

 

JMO but one reason why I think you feel so awful when this happens is cuz you feel so powerless. Like you have lost control somehow, and given all the power to them.

 

Like they're the ones in charge of when you talk, when you see each other, etc.

 

No wonder you feel like crap when they start fading.

 

You need to take your power back girl!! lol

 

Anyhoo, this has always worked for me. Never been ghosted or even faded on (knock wood). I was always the one to end things.

 

Kept em moving towards me.... by maintaining a safe distance until they and the RL stood the test of time.

 

And I didn't hesitate to DUMP early either. Comes close, pulls back, comes close, pulls back, hot cold -- first sign of that -- NEXT.

 

I have NO interest in that crap.

 

As I said, wishy washy and crazymaking!

 

So I just dump (nicely) tell them "sorry this isn't working for me," wish them well and move on! Start over.

 

LL, you are a beautiful woman, plenty more where he came from that's for darn sure. You know that!

 

Oh sure they have pleaded whatever. I stick to my guns. They have already shown me their colors -- no thank you.

 

You can take this with a grain of salt if you want but it has always worked for me.

 

Some may say it's playing a game, but not for me. This all comes naturally for me, it's my personality, so it's easy.

 

But for some who it's not their natural personality? Act *as if* it is, that's all.

 

IMO it is called being self-protective and smart dating.

 

Good luck hun and feel better!

Edited June 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[LookAtThisPOst]

Lol All of those things!!

 

Yes, he actually *GASP* initiated and sent me a text about an hour ago about a band that's coming to town soon. I dunno - even if this behavior doesn't indicate a lack of interest, I just don't know if I can be with someone who has such poor communication habits.

 

What's funny is that I even told him that he seemed uninterested, and he laughed, because he thought he was very clearly showing interest. Sorry, dude - waiting a day to respond to a text = NOT INTERESTED.

 

Try a whole WEEKEND to reply to a text.

 

I was getting something set up with a woman for the weekend. Then she went dark, and responded on MONDAY.

 

I've had this happen to me a lot. They purposely wait to respond until AFTER the day(s) you're suppose to go out..t.hen they are like, "Sorry I was slow in my response." (They ALWAYS apologize for not replying...ALWAYS...they PRETEND to feel bad about it, too. lol)

 

"I mean to get back to you, but something came up!

 

"What, one of your more good-looking boyfriends came to town?"

[Lovelorn00]

Clearly we are just attracting a**clowns! I sometimes wonder if my appearance attracts a certain type of "man". I definitely want to figure it out. I am getting to old for the game. Too tiring. I get the constant questions too from people. They are intrigued by my dating life. Meanwhile I just want something that is real. Not a Fabio white horse riding kinda guy. Ya know, someone to hold your hair back when you have the flu kind of love. If he can make me laugh, quote poetry, have great hands and lips even better. Lol

 

I've often asked myself the same question. I like to work out and I look younger than my age. I wouldn't say that I dress provocatively, but I tend to wear fitted clothing that shows off the assets I worked hard to achieve. But I'm talking scoop-neck t-shirts and jeans. Nothing crazy. Maybe I'm broadcasting this message that says, "Please treat me like crap" by dressing and looking a certain way.

[Lovelorn00]

I do think guys can score very easily with the current dating climate. Milk is free on every corner so why put effort into anyone. The overall culture needs to change. There is a great video on youtube called "economy of sex" that is rather eye opening on this subject. Every woman and especially young women should see it.

 

Ah, yes. I've actually recommended that video in a couple of my posts here. It's a good one, and it makes a lot of sense. From a female's point of view, we're doomed.

[Lovelorn00]

Maybe it's primal... these guys like the chase and once you are hooked they lose interest. I would mirror all his actions. If he takes a day to respond take a day plus 1 min. Lol. Or we could all be adults and be honest and clear about our feelings... but I digress...

 

I tried. I told him that I thought he was uninterested because of his communication habits. He said he likes to save all of that stuff for in-person, but I didn't buy it. There are a million things we can talk about in person. Responding to a simple text asking, "Hey, have you seen this new movie?" isn't going to ruin our conversation in person. There are plenty of other topics we can talk about. I also (half-joking) brought up "The Rules" and how communication is often an indicator of interest, based on the rules that I've read. He said he doesn't subscribe to silly dating "rules". I just can't figure this guy out.

[Lovelorn00]

I feel convinced that the cure for that malaise is to just focus on living your life, get off the computer, shut down the dating sites, and date YOURSELF. As my mom always has said, "No company is always better than bad company." There's something liberating about setting up a fancy dinner date with yourself--when I was 23 I used some money I inherited from my recently deceased, beloved grandfather to take a solo vacation on an island; I spent all day in the water boating, kayaking, swimming, boogie-boarding or walking miles of beach, and then would dress to the nines for a seafood dinner at a fancy seaside restaurant, drink wine, people watch, and read Bernard Malamud short stories. People stared and I'd just smile at them and go about happily cracking lobster tails and crab legs: they were the best "dates" ever :-)

 

Sometimes, you have to put out your "closed for business" sign and bring it all back home to YOU. It sounds like that's what's needed in your case for a while, OP.

 

I agree, and this is what I've been doing. My life is pretty busy. I fill it with festivals, concerts, meetup groups, workouts, solo dates, hanging with friends, etc. These are times when my guard is down, because I'm not looking to meet anyone. Inevitably, an attractive stranger will approach me, and I'll fall for the bs all over again without even trying, without even looking for it.

 

Like you said, I think the key is to put up my "closed for business" sign and really mean it this time.

[Lovelorn00]

Hi LL.... so sorry to hear this! I was hoping you were still with that guy you posted about over a month ago!

 

Nah, that's the guy who ghosted on me about a week and a half ago. We went on one last date a couple of weeks ago, and I thought we had a great time. It was very romantic. I then went on vacation (texted him once while I was on vacation) and never heard back. Oh well.

 

Or better yet, dump him! He's wishy washy! Comes on strong, pulls back, ugh! Red flag, who needs it.....just dump him and start over. It's still early on so shouldn't be that big of a deal, right?

 

I get what you're saying, but I actually do feel like I'm choosing wisely each time. This guy is smart, successful, claimed to be looking for a LTR, comes from a close family. He didn't come on too strong at all in the beginning. I actually couldn't tell if he was interested from the get-go, but he at least would respond and communicate in a timely manner. Now, I still can't tell if he's interested, and the communication has waned. I should know enough to know that anyone who excites my anxiety meter like that should make me run away in the opposite direction.

 

I guess the choice I'm now making is allowing him to treat me like this. Allowing him to give me crumbs of a relationship (not even). I need to be less hesitant to dump. The hesitation comes from the feeling that I think I've found "a catch" each time. All of the guy's good qualities are overshadowing the major bad qualities he's displaying. I need to stop looking at these guys as if they're my only chance at ever dating again. I've learned enough now to know that there will always be another one. I thought that when I hit my 30's it would be slim pickings, and I'd have to settle for whoever would have me, but I'm quickly learning that's not the case. Quite the opposite, actually.

[Lovelorn00]

Try a whole WEEKEND to reply to a text.

 

I was getting something set up with a woman for the weekend. Then she went dark, and responded on MONDAY.

 

I've had this happen to me a lot. They purposely wait to respond until AFTER the day(s) you're suppose to go out..t.hen they are like, "Sorry I was slow in my response." (They ALWAYS apologize for not replying...ALWAYS...they PRETEND to feel bad about it, too. lol)

 

"I mean to get back to you, but something came up!

 

"What, one of your more good-looking boyfriends came to town?"

 

This kind of thing just makes me want to scream. As if saying "sorry" just makes it all okay. Disrespectful is disrespectful, and if someone is showing their true colors this early on, it's only an indication of the sh*tstorm to come further down the road. It won't get better. The "sorry, I meant to's" will just increase. In my case, the days between communication will be probably just increase until he has successfully achieved the "slow fade".

[tinkerbell16]

Lol at "crickets". May as well add in "wind and tumble weed blowing about".

 

Any update on the fella?

 

Haha apparently he is back from mars... just got a text saying he was out of town and asking to meet (4 days after I texted him) wtf

Nope

Edited June 1, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[tinkerbell16]

Haha apparently he is back from mars... just got a text saying he was out of town and asking to meet (4 days after I texted him) wtf

Nope

 

Guys... what is a good response? I think nada or should I explain I am less than enthused to meet someone who takes 4 days to respond. I mean as a public service to all the clueless guys...lol

[katiegrl]

I get what you're saying, but I actually do feel like I'm choosing wisely each time. This guy is smart, successful, claimed to be looking for a LTR, comes from a close family. He didn't come on too strong at all in the beginning. I actually couldn't tell if he was interested from the get-go, but he at least would respond and communicate in a timely manner. Now, I still can't tell if he's interested, and the communication has waned. I should know enough to know that anyone who excites my anxiety meter like that should make me run away in the opposite direction.

 

I guess the choice I'm now making is allowing him to treat me like this. Allowing him to give me crumbs of a relationship (not even). I need to be less hesitant to dump. The hesitation comes from the feeling that I think I've found "a catch" each time. All of the guy's good qualities are overshadowing the major bad qualities he's displaying. I need to stop looking at these guys as if they're my only chance at ever dating again. I've learned enough now to know that there will always be another one. I thought that when I hit my 30's it would be slim pickings, and I'd have to settle for whoever would have me, but I'm quickly learning that's not the case. Quite the opposite, actually.

 

LL, how long have you been tolerating this crap from him?

 

When I said choose wisely from the getgo, the getgo is within the first six weeks.

 

If a guy starts pulling this crap with you within the first six weeks (that is not a hard rule by the way).... then you are still choosing him, choosing to stay with him, same thing.

 

Like I said, for me, FIRST SIGN of that crap, I next him. It is still early so isn't really that difficult, not for me anyway.

 

He is showing you his colors so why stick around..... hate to say this, but that's kinda on you.

 

YOU walk away. YOU make the decision. You will feel way better I promise, because you are in control, NOT him.

 

I just want you to find that great guy and the longer you stay with these bozos who give you breadcrumbs, the longer it will take for you to meet the man you are supposed to be with.

 

Also by staying with these bozos, hoping they change or whatevs, you are becoming more and more frustrated...maybe even bitter, and any future man you meet will sense that too, making it even harder for you to find that right man for you.

 

JMO LL, as I said take it with a grain of salt if you want.

Edited June 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

Haha apparently he is back from mars... just got a text saying he was out of town and asking to meet (4 days after I texted him) wtf

Nope

 

You know what's funny? I just got a "back from Mars" text from a guy that I posted about MONTHS ago. He sent me a photo of a beautiful sunset and said he was "thinking about me". WTF? After 2-3 months of no contact, you're "thinking about me" suddenly? I JUST DON'T GET GUYS.

 

Nope is right. What you're dealing with, what I'm dealing with - it's bs. We need to be done with these clowns.

[Lovelorn00]

Guys... what is a good response? I think nada or should I explain I am less than enthused to meet someone who takes 4 days to respond. I mean as a public service to all the clueless guys...lol

 

This is a great question, and this is the reason why I post to this forum.

 

The real me would want to call him out on it. Like you said, I'd want to tell him that going 4 days without contact isn't the behavior of someone who is interested.

 

However, I am aware that I can be a bit irrational at times, especially when I'm angry and feel that I've been wronged. Let's look at it rationally. He was out of town for 4 days. I'm not sure if that means vacation or death in the family or what. Depending on the reason, I wouldn't expect to hear from someone when they are out of town. Would I WANT to? Sure. But I don't think it's something that's reasonable for me to expect at the beginning stages of the relationship. If we're 6 months in, then yes, but not at the beginning.

 

I honestly don't know how to answer your question, because I don't know how I would handle the situation myself. I would really like to tell my guy that I'm not interested in someone who takes forever to respond to a simple text, but I'm also afraid of being irrational.