Dating… I Clearly Can’t Handle It Anymore

[Lovelorn00]

…and I really don’t know why I keep allowing myself to end up in situations like this. At first, I thought there was clearly something wrong with me. So I did the research and did the work. Although I am still a work in progress (we all are), I feel like I’ve reached a point where I’m okay with myself. So then I thought there must be something wrong with them. Maybe the blame doesn’t all fall on me, like I had previously thought. Maybe I’m just swimming in a particularly murky dating pool at the moment.

 

I feel like I’ve gone on 1,000 dates and met hundreds of guys. I’m just so tired of the same ol’ crap. The most recent one is a university professor/researcher. Kind of on the nerdy side, but really cute and seemed really nice. A little different than what I usually go for. We’ve been seeing each other for a little over a month now, and the crap has already begun.

 

At first, this guy was super chatty. Texting, phone calls, etc. Now, I only hear from him every few days. When I initiate, it takes him between 12-24 hours to respond. It’s not like I’m asking him deep life questions. These are simple questions like, “Are you working this weekend?” or “Have you seen this new movie?” I'll get a response a day later. I then respond, and then it takes another day to hear back again. It's effing exhausting.

 

I’ve been trying to forget about it and move on, but I ended up inviting him out last weekend out of boredom, and he accepted rather enthusiastically. We spent the whole night together – talking, laughing, sharing intimate stories about our lives. And now? Crickets. We’re back to radio silence and 24-hour response times. WTF? Not to mention he is still active on the dating site where we met (whatever, fair enough).

 

I’ve been around the block enough to know that this guy clearly isn’t interested in me. What I perceived as a month’s worth of good dates is probably just him being nice. Maybe he accepted my last invitation, because he just wanted to make extra sure he wasn’t that into me. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m once again faced with the sting of rejection, and it sucks so bad. Will I get over him? Sure, and then I’ll proudly proclaim that I’m done with dating and begin researching the cat breeds I’ll start collecting. Then, out of nowhere, some dude will approach me and spit his lines and bullshyt, and I’ll fall for the same crap all over again.

 

How do people ever win at this? It truly baffles me. A good friend of mine met some chick on Tinder 6 months ago, and now they’re moving in together. I don’t get it at all.

 

I’m not even sure if I’m asking for help here, because I’m sure I’ve posted about this exact same situation about 100 times before. I guess I’m just throwing my hands up in the air in sheer exasperation at this point. However, any feedback would be appreciated. I’d love to hear from folks who are in the same boat as well.

[WhirlwindGuy]

…and I really don’t know why I keep allowing myself to end up in situations like this. At first, I thought there was clearly something wrong with me. So I did the research and did the work. Although I am still a work in progress (we all are), I feel like I’ve reached a point where I’m okay with myself. So then I thought there must be something wrong with them. Maybe the blame doesn’t all fall on me, like I had previously thought. Maybe I’m just swimming in a particularly murky dating pool at the moment.

 

I feel like I’ve gone on 1,000 dates and met hundreds of guys. I’m just so tired of the same ol’ crap. The most recent one is a university professor/researcher. Kind of on the nerdy side, but really cute and seemed really nice. A little different than what I usually go for. We’ve been seeing each other for a little over a month now, and the crap has already begun.

 

At first, this guy was super chatty. Texting, phone calls, etc. Now, I only hear from him every few days. When I initiate, it takes him between 12-24 hours to respond. It’s not like I’m asking him deep life questions. These are simple questions like, “Are you working this weekend?” or “Have you seen this new movie?” I'll get a response a day later. I then respond, and then it takes another day to hear back again. It's effing exhausting.

 

I’ve been trying to forget about it and move on, but I ended up inviting him out last weekend out of boredom, and he accepted rather enthusiastically. We spent the whole night together – talking, laughing, sharing intimate stories about our lives. And now? Crickets. We’re back to radio silence and 24-hour response times. WTF? Not to mention he is still active on the dating site where we met (whatever, fair enough).

 

I’ve been around the block enough to know that this guy clearly isn’t interested in me. What I perceived as a month’s worth of good dates is probably just him being nice. Maybe he accepted my last invitation, because he just wanted to make extra sure he wasn’t that into me. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m once again faced with the sting of rejection, and it sucks so bad. Will I get over him? Sure, and then I’ll proudly proclaim that I’m done with dating and begin researching the cat breeds I’ll start collecting. Then, out of nowhere, some dude will approach me and spit his lines and bullshyt, and I’ll fall for the same crap all over again.

 

How do people ever win at this? It truly baffles me. A good friend of mine met some chick on Tinder 6 months ago, and now they’re moving in together. I don’t get it at all.

 

I’m not even sure if I’m asking for help here, because I’m sure I’ve posted about this exact same situation about 100 times before. I guess I’m just throwing my hands up in the air in sheer exasperation at this point. However, any feedback would be appreciated. I’d love to hear from folks who are in the same boat as well.

 

 

 

I feel the same way as you do sometimes, and I have been doing it much less time. I feel like I am pretty simple, I am not asking for much. I feel like people over complicate everything. Nothing can just be what it is at face value. There are always underlying motives apparently, or at least perceived ones.

 

 

Its tiring and disheartening.

[BlueIris]

I hear you. I’m out for at least a while, maybe for a long while. It is exhausting.

 

I test myself occasionally by looking at OLD profiles and if I just yawn or get annoyed I know I’m not ready, and that it would be wrong to inflict others.

[Lovelorn00]

I feel the same way as you do sometimes, and I have been doing it much less time. I feel like I am pretty simple, I am not asking for much. I feel like people over complicate everything. Nothing can just be what it is at face value. There are always underlying motives apparently, or at least perceived ones.

 

 

Its tiring and disheartening.

 

Thanks for understanding. I guess the silver lining out of all of this is that it has taught me how to pick myself up after being let down. Over time, I've become quite skilled at it, and I'm getting better and better at it each time this happens.

 

I just... wish it would stop happening. While I'm perfecting the art of rejection recovery, it doesn't take away from the initial sting. Like you said, it's just sooooo tiring.

[Lovelorn00]

I hear you. I’m out for at least a while, maybe for a long while. It is exhausting.

 

I test myself occasionally by looking at OLD profiles and if I just yawn or get annoyed I know I’m not ready, and that it would be wrong to inflict others.

 

I feel the same way. The thought of looking at another profile makes my stomach hurt. Lol

[WhirlwindGuy]

Thanks for understanding. I guess the silver lining out of all of this is that it has taught me how to pick myself up after being let down. Over time, I've become quite skilled at it, and I'm getting better and better at it each time this happens.

 

I just... wish it would stop happening. While I'm perfecting the art of rejection recovery, it doesn't take away from the initial sting. Like you said, it's just sooooo tiring.

 

 

 

It just feels like such a rarity for any of this to actually succeed. Its like a soccer match. In soccer, you aren't supposed to score, if a team scores, its because the other team screwed up somehow. If two teams play flawless, its a 0-0 draw.

 

 

In dating, if it works, its an anomaly and you ride off into the sunset, you won! Otherwise, the default and usual outcome is a bunch of wasted emotion, time, money and effort.

[Larryville]

I feel like I’ve gone on 1,000 dates and met hundreds of guys

 

I don’t know how other feel about this but at one time I would just go meet person after person. When I stopped doing that I felt better about dating in general.

 

I will only meet someone that I am VERY interested in or there is something significant in their profile (OLD of course) I just believe you can meet “too many” people and when you do they all start to blend together. Keep having to go over your initial sales pitch over and over having the same inane conversations will drive people insane.

[Lovelorn00]

It just feels like such a rarity for any of this to actually succeed. Its like a soccer match. In soccer, you aren't supposed to score, if a team scores, its because the other team screwed up somehow. If two teams play flawless, its a 0-0 draw.

 

 

In dating, if it works, its an anomaly and you ride off into the sunset, you won! Otherwise, the default and usual outcome is a bunch of wasted emotion, time, money and effort.

 

I don't know - if it's such an anomaly, why is everyone coupled up? All of my friends are. At my age (early 30's), it's more of an anomaly to be single.

[Zippy2000]

I feel your pain, Lovelorn.

 

m older now and have been tipping my toe in online dating for up to 10 years now. Im 41 now and out of 100s of dates. I look back and can only see 4 women I could have been with but I was either too immature or too blind to see they were right for me. I look back in hindsight and trying to learn from my mistakes.

 

I think in the end some of us arent meant to be. Darwins "survival of the fittest" still counts in dating. We still have to stay strong and work our asses off as everything in life we have to work for. Our jobs, cars or rent or mortgage so why not relationships.

 

I feel like giving up but sometimes isnt it worth the risk because in the end we may succeed?

 

In the UK Special Forces motto.........."Who dares wins"!

[Lovelorn00]

I don’t know how other feel about this but at one time I would just go meet person after person. When I stopped doing that I felt better about dating in general.

 

I will only meet someone that I am VERY interested in or there is something significant in their profile (OLD of course) I just believe you can meet “too many” people and when you do they all start to blend together. Keep having to go over your initial sales pitch over and over having the same inane conversations will drive people insane.

 

Yes, that definitely could be contributing to my dating burnout, but I've always heard that it's a numbers game. When one fails, I have to pick myself up by the bootstraps and try again. Even when I'm not actively dating, somehow, some idiot comes along and convinces me to go out with him, and the cycle happens all over again. I've even told a few guys that I wasn't interested in dating and that I'm completely burned out, and they always find a way to convince me to give them a shot. I guess I really need to commit to not dating. Like, really, really commit to that decision. If I'm asked out by an attractive stranger, tell him no and move on, because I already know how it will end.

[Jabron1]

In dating, if it works, its an anomaly and you ride off into the sunset, you won! Otherwise, the default and usual outcome is a bunch of wasted emotion, time, money and effort.

 

I have to disagree with this.

 

Looking back over all of my life, I don't think anything was a waste. I wouldn't take any of it back, because each moment was a stepping stone to wherever I needed to be.

 

I can't understand this mindset.

[Lovelorn00]

I think in the end some of us arent meant to be. Darwins "survival of the fittest" still counts in dating. We still have to stay strong and work our asses off as everything in life we have to work for. Our jobs, cars or rent or mortgage so why not relationships.

 

Thanks, Zippy. I've definitely started to adopt that mentality. Relationships aren't for everyone. We can't all get a piece of the pie - that's just the way the world works. As depressing as that sounds, there's some freedom in just accepting it. I haven't quite accepted it yet, because, well, I think I'm a catch, but maybe I should work on that. Just like everyone can't win the lottery, not everyone can be so lucky in love.

[LookAtThisPOst]

…and I really don’t know why I keep allowing myself to end up in situations like this. At first, I thought there was clearly something wrong with me. So I did the research and did the work. Although I am still a work in progress (we all are), I feel like I’ve reached a point where I’m okay with myself. So then I thought there must be something wrong with them. Maybe the blame doesn’t all fall on me, like I had previously thought. Maybe I’m just swimming in a particularly murky dating pool at the moment.

 

I feel like I’ve gone on 1,000 dates and met hundreds of guys. I’m just so tired of the same ol’ crap. The most recent one is a university professor/researcher. Kind of on the nerdy side, but really cute and seemed really nice. A little different than what I usually go for. We’ve been seeing each other for a little over a month now, and the crap has already begun.

 

At first, this guy was super chatty. Texting, phone calls, etc. Now, I only hear from him every few days. When I initiate, it takes him between 12-24 hours to respond. It’s not like I’m asking him deep life questions. These are simple questions like, “Are you working this weekend?” or “Have you seen this new movie?” I'll get a response a day later. I then respond, and then it takes another day to hear back again. It's effing exhausting.

 

I’ve been trying to forget about it and move on, but I ended up inviting him out last weekend out of boredom, and he accepted rather enthusiastically. We spent the whole night together – talking, laughing, sharing intimate stories about our lives. And now? Crickets. We’re back to radio silence and 24-hour response times. WTF? Not to mention he is still active on the dating site where we met (whatever, fair enough).

 

I’ve been around the block enough to know that this guy clearly isn’t interested in me. What I perceived as a month’s worth of good dates is probably just him being nice. Maybe he accepted my last invitation, because he just wanted to make extra sure he wasn’t that into me. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m once again faced with the sting of rejection, and it sucks so bad. Will I get over him? Sure, and then I’ll proudly proclaim that I’m done with dating and begin researching the cat breeds I’ll start collecting. Then, out of nowhere, some dude will approach me and spit his lines and bullshyt, and I’ll fall for the same crap all over again.

 

How do people ever win at this? It truly baffles me. A good friend of mine met some chick on Tinder 6 months ago, and now they’re moving in together. I don’t get it at all.

 

I’m not even sure if I’m asking for help here, because I’m sure I’ve posted about this exact same situation about 100 times before. I guess I’m just throwing my hands up in the air in sheer exasperation at this point. However, any feedback would be appreciated. I’d love to hear from folks who are in the same boat as well.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. I would say like 99% of the experiences I've experienced is the wish-washy, flakiness of said individuals. They fizzle out or don't really do their part to lift a finger in the dating process.

 

Unengaging...it gets old.

 

Then someone PUA artist gives advice that I am doing something wrong by not " building attraction"

 

Some attribute to me just being "too boring" when really...it's just the fact that they get bored easily themselves.

 

I'm on the side of the OP.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I will only meet someone that I am VERY interested in or there is something significant in their profile (OLD of course) I just believe you can meet “too many” people and when you do they all start to blend together. Keep having to go over your initial sales pitch over and over having the same inane conversations will drive people insane.

 

Yep...this, quite inane rhetoric greetings and "getting to know you" questions.

 

I did want to add that are there some people like the OP that are so burned out on dating that it's impacting future dates that otherwise would turn out well.

 

Like you get so emotionally drained by the time you meet some decent people, you've basically sabotaged your chances with EVEN THEM!

[Lovelorn00]

I have to disagree with this.

 

Looking back over all of my life, I don't think anything was a waste. I wouldn't take any of it back, because each moment was a stepping stone to wherever I needed to be.

 

I can't understand this mindset.

 

I'm having trouble viewing the a**clowns I've been out with recently as stepping stones. Lol I mean, I get it. Every date I've been on has taught me something about myself, how people work, and what I want out of a relationship (and don't want). But at the end of the day, the goal has still not been achieved. At some point, it just makes more sense emotionally, financially, and physically to just stop. There's such a thing as fighting a losing battle. I kinda feel like a joke to my friends, acquaintances and co-workers. I'm that "chronically single" girl who dates a lot. "You're always with a different guy," my boss says to me (jokingly). "Tell me about your most recent dating adventures," my girlfriend says. This has become my story, and it's quite sad and pathetic. At some point, this story has got to change.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm having trouble viewing the a**clowns I've been out with recently as stepping stones. Lol I mean, I get it. Every date I've been on has taught me something about myself, how people work, and what I want out of a relationship (and don't want). But at the end of the day, the goal has still not been achieved. At some point, it just makes more sense emotionally, financially, and physically to just stop. There's such a thing as fighting a losing battle. I kinda feel like a joke to my friends, acquaintances and co-workers. I'm that "chronically single" girl who dates a lot. "You're always with a different guy," my boss says to me (jokingly). "Tell me about your most recent dating adventures," my girlfriend says. This has become my story, and it's quite sad and pathetic. At some point, this story has got to change.

 

Chances are, Jabron is gettin' some action, and that's why he doesn't care much. lol

[Mrin]

I dated heavily for a few years before meeting my soulmate. I went into every first date with the only expectation being an interesting conversation. I was never disappointed. Many only stopped at one date. But others went for a while. And I enjoyed them for what they were.

[Jabron1]

I'm having trouble viewing the a**clowns I've been out with recently as stepping stones. Lol I mean, I get it. Every date I've been on has taught me something about myself, how people work, and what I want out of a relationship (and don't want). But at the end of the day, the goal has still not been achieved. At some point, it just makes more sense emotionally, financially, and physically to just stop. There's such a thing as fighting a losing battle. I kinda feel like a joke to my friends, acquaintances and co-workers. I'm that "chronically single" girl who dates a lot. "You're always with a different guy," my boss says to me (jokingly). "Tell me about your most recent dating adventures," my girlfriend says. This has become my story, and it's quite sad and pathetic. At some point, this story has got to change.

 

I like adventures. I like different experiences: good and bad.

 

What I don't like is boredom.

 

I see a lot of people (some of them friends and family that I really care about) in very bad relationships where they are clearly being just being used.

 

Now that's sad. Being in a sh*tty relationship because you can't stand your own company for five minutes, or have so little self-esteem and sense of adventure to explore and have different experiences. Far better to play it safe.

 

Open your eyes, and really look around. You are not sad and pathetic at all.

 

I'm not saying this 'just to make you feel better'. I'm trying to give you some perspective which I think is lacking at the moment.

[spiderowl]

If they stop responding for hours on end, then drop them. Don't let them get into a pattern of ignoring you. It's just teaching someone you are not worthy of respect - and we know that's not true.

 

I don't know about building attraction but I do believe that respect comes before anything else.

[Lovelorn00]

Yep...this, quite inane rhetoric greetings and "getting to know you" questions.

 

I did want to add that are there some people like the OP that are so burned out on dating that it's impacting future dates that otherwise would turn out well.

 

Like you get so emotionally drained by the time you meet some decent people, you've basically sabotaged your chances with EVEN THEM!

 

Yep! And that's when I told myself I would take a step back and stop. I even told a guy that he had his work cut out for him if he wanted to date me. I told him that he'd have to really prove himself to me, because I'm over it. He said he would. He said I seemed unique and totally worth it. I didn't give a shyt either way, of course, but I was impressed that he would take that kind of response and still try for a date with me. He was either really into me or desperate AF. That one ghosted on me about a week and a half ago. Meh. So much for proving himself.

 

Inevitably, someone comes along who gets me excited again, though. I think, "Oh! I wasn't even looking, and here he is!" I lace up my boots and get back in the game, giving it my best try for the 1,000th time. And it ends up blowing up in my face for the 1,000th time. I can't help but think that some of these failures come from the fact that I'm just SO OVER IT, and it's probably coming across in my behavior.

[Lovelorn00]

Chances are, Jabron is gettin' some action, and that's why he doesn't care much. lol

 

lol... I agree!

[Lovelorn00]

I like adventures. I like different experiences: good and bad.

 

What I don't like is boredom.

 

I see a lot of people (some of them friends and family that I really care about) in very bad relationships where they are clearly being just being used.

 

Now that's sad. Being in a sh*tty relationship because you can't stand your own company for five minutes, or have so little self-esteem and sense of adventure to explore and have different experiences. Far better to play it safe.

 

Open your eyes, and really look around. You are not sad and pathetic at all.

 

I'm not saying this 'just to make you feel better'. I'm trying to give you some perspective which I think is lacking at the moment.

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying, and I think some of these comments from my coupled-up counterparts are coming from a place of jealousy. One of my close girlfriends actually told me that once. "You go on all of these dates with good-looking men! That's exciting! Your life is like Sex and the City!" I do have adventures. I have crazy stories to tell from my dates and that can be exciting at times. My dating life can definitely be described as "colorful".

 

Jabron, I suspect you're a bit younger than I am. I say that, because, I'm a point in my life where being settled down in a LTR is much more appealing than my dating adventures. I'm ready for that and have been for a while. It's just discouraging that it seems so impossible. Something that everyone else around me has achieved, I'm failing at. They're not all unhappy and bored. Many of them are truly in love and enjoying their families. I just don't understand why it's so easy for them, and I'm stuck with Mr. Takes 24 Hours To Respond.

[joseb]

OP, have you ever considered that the people asking about your dates might actually be a bit jealous?

As Jabron said, a lot of people are in bad relationships for whatever reason.

 

I like Mrin's attitude, just go in expecting a nice conversation.

 

How many dates were you going on?

 

Personally, I don't agree with your "you have to prove yourself" line. That will put off decent guys that think you are a princess, and attract rubbish guys who will be all full of crap and tell you what you want to hear.

Now you can think that the guy needs to be something good in order for you to see him again, that's fine. Be picky.

 

Regarding getting bored with the repetitive questions, well mix it up. Talk about random stuff that's fun.

I remember when I was travelling for a bit I got so sick of the same "where have you been where are you going" questions that when I met someone I would say hi, you can't ask me anything about where I've been or where im going.

It made for far better conversations.

Edited May 31, 2016 by joseb

[tinkerbell16]

I'm having trouble viewing the a**clowns I've been out with recently as stepping stones. Lol I mean, I get it. Every date I've been on has taught me something about myself, how people work, and what I want out of a relationship (and don't want). But at the end of the day, the goal has still not been achieved. At some point, it just makes more sense emotionally, financially, and physically to just stop. There's such a thing as fighting a losing battle. I kinda feel like a joke to my friends, acquaintances and co-workers. I'm that "chronically single" girl who dates a lot. "You're always with a different guy," my boss says to me (jokingly). "Tell me about your most recent dating adventures," my girlfriend says. This has become my story, and it's quite sad and pathetic. At some point, this story has got to change.

 

Yep! And that's when I told myself I would take a step back and stop. I even told a guy that he had his work cut out for him if he wanted to date me. I told him that he'd have to really prove himself to me, because I'm over it. He said he would. He said I seemed unique and totally worth it. I didn't give a shyt either way, of course, but I was impressed that he would take that kind of response and still try for a date with me. He was either really into me or desperate AF. That one ghosted on me about a week and a half ago. Meh. So much for proving himself.

 

Inevitably, someone comes along who gets me excited again, though. I think, "Oh! I wasn't even looking, and here he is!" I lace up my boots and get back in the game, giving it my best try for the 1,000th time. And it ends up blowing up in my face for the 1,000th time. I can't help but think that some of these failures come from the fact that I'm just SO OVER IT, and it's probably coming across in my behavior.

 

Haha I went out with friends this past weekend. My friends are single and looking. I am single and over it so not looking. Handsome, smart, well traveled, successful man approaches me. Is at my hip the whole night. I am thinking "hey, I am not looking and this guy's lucky I even shaved my legs before I left the house lol" So chat with him for hours while my friends are off with their "catches". We dance for hours, we sit and talk everything from business to family to passions to music. At one point he is looking at me and just smiling from ear to ear. The look of wow... he is enamored with me and hanging on every word I say. End of the night we hug and he asks for my number and I am thinking hey... I am not even looking and here you are all making it so easy and maybe this is what people say... when you aren't looking it happens.

I give him my number.

Next morning he texts me...

Him: I had a great time talking and dancing with you last night!

Can I see you again?

Me: Sure, I would like that. I am free Tues and Thursday eve this week.

Him: (crickets)...

That was 4 days ago.

Lol

[Lovelorn00]

OP, have you ever considered that the people asking about your dates might actually be a bit jealous?

As Jabron said, a lot of people are in bad relationships for whatever reason.

 

Yes, I think our posts crossed paths. I've had friends admit this to me. "Grass is always greener", I guess.

 

How many dates were you going on?

 

This last time, there have been 2-3 guys in the running. One I like much more than the others, who is the subject of this post. He and I have been on 6-7 dates, I think? Maybe more. The other guy (who recently ghosted on me), we've only been on 2. The last one, just one date. I was also set up by a friend with someone, but we haven't met yet, and I honestly don't think I even want to.

 

Personally, I don't agree with your "you have to prove yourself" line. That will put off decent guys that think you are a princess, and attract rubbish guys who will be all full of crap and tell you what you want to hear.

 

I should probably clarify, because I kind of said this to him in jest, but I think I got my point across. He was being persistent, and I finally told him that I was just over dating in general. That's when he laid it on thick with the "you're worth it" lines. Gag. Should've known.