Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 I'm meeting my ex-gf on thursday night and need possible suggestions on where to do so. We haven't seen each other in over 2 years and she dated someone else for that duration (they just broke up..but I don't know the details) Where would anybody here suggest meeting up with her at? I want to keep it casual and I would imagine we are probably going to talk for hours.
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Depends on what the end game of that meeting is... If it's about hoping to get back together, I'd advise you not to go. If it's a casual friendly catch-up with someone you know and who just so happens to be your ex, any café will do. Oh, and don't get too excited, and remember why you broke up with her in the first place.
Zapbasket Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Good advice from PrettyEmily. I'd also add that you should keep in mind that she just got out of a relationship. No matter what she says she wants out of meeting with you, she is going through some grief as well as reckoning and at least partly has reached out to you for help with her healing, whether consciously or not. If you still care about her as a person and she has not historically taken advantage of you, then meet with her, be yourself, and don't look for anything more to come of it. Don't worry about "where" to meet her. Worry about the "what" and "why" and just take things as they come.
Author Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Depends on what the end game of that meeting is... If it's about hoping to get back together, I'd advise you not to go. If it's a casual friendly catch-up with someone you know and who just so happens to be your ex, any café will do. Oh, and don't get too excited, and remember why you broke up with her in the first place. I feel like it's somewhere in between "casual friendly catch-up" and "hoping to get back together." She broke up with me actually, but there's still feelings I have for her. And I don't want to be just friends...but I don't want to just get back together. I want to see if something is still there. Good advice from PrettyEmily. I'd also add that you should keep in mind that she just got out of a relationship. No matter what she says she wants out of meeting with you, she is going through some grief as well as reckoning and at least partly has reached out to you for help with her healing, whether consciously or not. If you still care about her as a person and she has not historically taken advantage of you, then meet with her, be yourself, and don't look for anything more to come of it. Don't worry about "where" to meet her. Worry about the "what" and "why" and just take things as they come. She definitely took advantage of me after we broke up and it was very hurtful to me at the time and took me a long time to process. There's a ton of what, why's still here..and her ending with her other BF is at the top of the list for me.
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 I feel like it's somewhere in between "casual friendly catch-up" and "hoping to get back together." She broke up with me actually, but there's still feelings I have for her. And I don't want to be just friends...but I don't want to just get back together. I want to see if something is still there. Honest advice? Recipe for disaster due to very poor timing (she's only just freshly single), unresolved issues (you still have feelings for her after 2y+) and unhealthy expectations (you're wanting to see where things are at in the view to potentially rekindle a relationship when you haven't even seen her in 2 years). Anyway... Choose a casual yet classy restaurant, dress up to the nines but not overboard, bring her favorite flowers and your best intentions, because I think that's the advice you really want to hear. Good luck either way, OP
Author Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Honest advice? Recipe for disaster due to very poor timing (she's only just freshly single), unresolved issues (you still have feelings for her after 2y+) and unhealthy expectations (you're wanting to see where things are at in the view to potentially rekindle a relationship when you haven't even seen her in 2 years). Anyway... Choose a casual yet classy restaurant, dress up to the nines but not overboard, bring her favorite flowers and your best intentions, because I think that's the advice you really want to hear. Good luck either way, OP I think your pidgeon holing me into something I'm not..I'm not just looking for advice I want to hear. I want the truth. 1) I agree the timing is terrible and she might be just sad and wants comfort. Not from me particularly, but from anyone that will give it to her. 2) But if my feelings really are unresolved and I do want to see what can happen out of this, a friendly catch-up with no expectations would be where to start right? Is there anything I could talk to her about before Thursday regarding all this? I mean obviously I'm already too invested and it kinda pisses me off...
Author Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 We've been texting on a semi-regular basis the past few days..I was wondering is it okay to ask something like the following (or maybe there is a better way to phrase it): "I didn’t want to be so up front, but I’m guessing you and ____ broke up recently? I’m just a little curious of your intentions of wanting to meet up with me."
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 I think your pidgeon holing me into something I'm not..I'm not just looking for advice I want to hear. I want the truth. 1) I agree the timing is terrible and she might be just sad and wants comfort. Not from me particularly, but from anyone that will give it to her. 2) But if my feelings really are unresolved and I do want to see what can happen out of this, a friendly catch-up with no expectations would be where to start right? Is there anything I could talk to her about before Thursday regarding all this? I mean obviously I'm already too invested and it kinda pisses me off... I don't think it's fair on her though, in all truth. She may want a shoulder to cry on / a rebound (you did say the truth, right?), but I would be very surprised if, at this point, she would want to, or even should, start a relationship. You already have expectations, man - you have feelings for her that, ideally, you would like returned. You're right, you're too invested. See it through if you must, but I really hope you have her welfare (rather than your own feelings) in your thoughts.
Author Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 I don't think it's fair on her though, in all truth. She may want a shoulder to cry on / a rebound (you did say the truth, right?), but I would be very surprised if, at this point, she would want to, or even should, start a relationship. You already have expectations, man - you have feelings for her that, ideally, you would like returned. You're right, you're too invested. See it through if you must, but I really hope you have her welfare (rather than your own feelings) in your thoughts. Yeah, the truth. Don't hold back with me. I think it's a terrible idea for her to start any relationship. I think I'm thinking way too much about this (we've just been flirty banter texting each other...) and I'm leaning towards agreeing with you that this is a bad idea and I shouldn't go through with it. Maybe if I knew her intentions first? Did you see my other message after the last one you commented on?
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Yeah, the truth. Don't hold back with me. I think it's a terrible idea for her to start any relationship. I think I'm thinking way too much about this (we've just been flirty banter texting each other...) and I'm leaning towards agreeing with you that this is a bad idea and I shouldn't go through with it. Maybe if I knew her intentions first? Did you see my other message after the last one you commented on? Her intentions will likely be all over the place seeing as she's just broken up and is already flirty banter texting you, so I would take whatever she has to say with a pinch of salt. If a true reconciliation was ever to be on the cards, I would assume that a reasonable length of time after the breakup would at least suppose that she has given it some serious thought. It's your call, Jo
Author Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Her intentions will likely be all over the place seeing as she's just broken up and is already flirty banter texting you, so I would take whatever she has to say with a pinch of salt. If a true reconciliation was ever to be on the cards, I would assume that a reasonable length of time after the breakup would at least suppose that she has given it some serious thought. It's your call, Jo What if I sent her this text --> "Idk where your intentions are, but I’m starting to think it’s a bad idea to meet up with you Thursday night because I know you and ___ just broke up and I can’t believe I’m gonna tell you this, but I still have dreams about you. I really don’t know what they mean, but I know I can’t just be friends with you. " Would that help clear the air and put all my cards on the table? 1
Lansing Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 So have you talked to her in the last 2 years? My guess is that the guy broke up with her and she is feeling like she needs someone to validate her and that she is still "wanted".... My suggestion, if you really want to hang out with her let HER plan it or just pick something very casual. I wouldn't start talking about your past relationship or her past relationship with her ex.(I.e. I wouldn't send that text you were thinking about sending). Just have a normal conversation about life/etc and if she wants to apologize or try to re-ignite things let HER do that. Personally I think you are better off moving on and finding a new GF. I think the way someone treats you during and after the breakup is a sign of their true character. The way my ex broke up with me still hurts a bit but I realize that that isn't the type of person I want to be with. 2
Emilia Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 What if I sent her this text --> "Idk where your intentions are, but I’m starting to think it’s a bad idea to meet up with you Thursday night because I know you and ___ just broke up and I can’t believe I’m gonna tell you this, but I still have dreams about you. I really don’t know what they mean, but I know I can’t just be friends with you. " Would that help clear the air and put all my cards on the table? You haven't seen her for two years, she might be 20 lbs heavier for all you know. Or has annoying habits or stopped washing her hair. You are building up the whole thing in your mind, you haven't seen her for over 2 years!!!! Just go for a coffee with her, I do think it makes sense to meet up because time is a bigger healer than you think. You might not like her all that much anymore. No texts before hand, just arrange a coffee. No fuss. 2
Lansing Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Would that help clear the air and put all my cards on the table? Don't do that!! Seriously, if you want to say "look, I changed my mind " that is fine but no need to go into details about your dreams of her!! Seriously dude. Please do not text her anything actually because I fear you are going to make things worse for yourself. Just decide if you want to meet her or not. If you don't say "Sorry, I am going to have to pass on meeting up on Thursday" or just meet her. 2
Emilia Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 F*ckkkkk. I don't know anymore. Just stop making such a big fuss about it, you are building it up too much.
Author Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Alright, I'll stop being ridiculous. I need to take her off this pedestal some how. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 What if I sent her this text --> "Idk where your intentions are, but I’m starting to think it’s a bad idea to meet up with you Thursday night because I know you and ___ just broke up and I can’t believe I’m gonna tell you this, but I still have dreams about you. I really don’t know what they mean, but I know I can’t just be friends with you. " Would that help clear the air and put all my cards on the table? She is going to lap it up, man. Remove yourself from this potential drama, would be my advice.
JS84 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Seriously? You're setting yourself up to get burned. If you want honesty, I think you're making a mistake meeting her. Especially going into it with the mindset you have.
Author Gemini_jo Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 I didn't send any texts or give any inclination, but I am still going through with it. I'm removing myself from texting her as it just creates more thoughts and leads to a bad mindset. We are going to a casual coffee bar cafe and we are going tomorrow. I'm going to be casual with no expectations. I swear. If I'm making a mistake, y'all can all tell me "told you so" and I'll take it on Thursday. 2
Emilia Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 I didn't send any texts or give any inclination, but I am still going through with it. I'm removing myself from texting her as it just creates more thoughts and leads to a bad mindset. We are going to a casual coffee bar cafe and we are going tomorrow. I'm going to be casual with no expectations. I swear. If I'm making a mistake, y'all can all tell me "told you so" and I'll take it on Thursday. That's the spirit! 1
mamabear32018 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 To answer your original question, I agree with another poster, a coffee shop would be a good place to meet. In response to your other posts, if she really hurt you, I would definitely keep that in mind. You won't really know her intentions until you meet with her. If it were me I wouldn't text ahead of time or share too much. After you meet up with her then it is up to you if you wish to continue contact. Best wishes! 1
Author Gemini_jo Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 SO...it actually went really well yesterday. We talked casually laughing and all for about an hour and then the talk got into more serious of how our relationship ended. She got emotional, almost to tears actually, but we both apologized and forgave each other. It was so obvious to me and to her that we had this instant chemistry, knees touching under the table, holding hands at times, the long hug at the end of the night. The way she looked at me and smiled, and her eyes. I could see that she wanted to kiss me. And I so badly wanted to kiss her too (but I didn't because I knew it was a bad idea). We've been texting a lot about yesterday, and she is just so scared because our relationship ended so badly. She's really confused. And I'm confused too. Her intentions and words are say she wants to be friends, but last night definitely proved otherwise. I told her I wanted to kiss her and she said she had the same thoughts too (but she refuses to commit to acting on them). I then invited her to an event next Friday to which she said she would love to go but declined due to a prior bridal shower she has planned to attend in another city. To be honest, I want to hang out with her again and kiss her, but I will not be pursuing another meeting with her. I'm leaving the ball in her court now. I'm not going to text her back either after she declined. It's not worth me pursuing any further and getting hurt. 1
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