Back on the dating scene after a few years....suggestions?

[swazzzz]

Hello,

I haven't been on this forum for the past 2 years as I had been seeing someone steadily for that time. However, me and the girl parted ways a few months ago and I just jumped back in to the dating scene. Something happened and I will summarize the events here and would love to get some advice if possible.

 

I am a 29 year old man and was out with a few friends at a bar a couple of weeks back on a Saturday where I met a woman and exchanged numbers. I texted her on Monday and had some exchanges for the rest of the week. I was out of the country from Monday to Friday and we exchanged pleasantries, she enquired why I was traveling and I asked her what she did and basic conversational stuff. I was back in the country on Friday and we agreed to meet at a bar during the evening. It was a couple of beers and some slices of pizza but we had a good chat, slightly tentative questioning so as not to seem too rude or disrespectful. We eventually took a taxi and I dropped her back at her place and we kissed for maybe 10 seconds. Not an extended kiss but multiple short kisses. She even said "I had a great time, thanks for coming, I like that in a guy" and asked me to text her once I got back home. I obliged and that was the end of the night.

 

The next day she was driving north to visit family so I texted her "drive safe and have a fun time" to which she replied "thank you" and that was it.

Sunday was also brief text exchanges, I was at a friend's house for a brunch party so I casually told her that am visiting a friend but would be home in the evening if she wanted to hang out. She texted saying sure, text me once you are back. I texted her once I got back but didn't get a response from her. I waited a bit before I presumed that she either called an early night or was probably busy. She eventually texted me Monday morning saying "sorry, bowed out early". I replied "no worries, hope you are doing well. Do you want to hang out sometime?" She replied "I do, am working Tuesday through Thursday and off from Friday till Sunday". I told her that I have an open schedule (am currently in-between jobs) so anything would work. She replied "yeah maybe Thursday". I didn't respond back to her immediately but I texted her a few hours later asking her if she liked basketball (I wanted to ask her if she wanted to join me to watch a basketball game) to which she replied well after the game was over, "not really". I haven't messaged her after that. Her message came around 4 hours back.

 

Now, I had a fun time hanging out with this girl and I may be wanting to have a second date too soon. I am writing out my questions below:

1) Am I being too hasty?

2) I know first date kiss doesn't make us exclusive, should I assume am not the only one she is dating currently? Is there a smart way to find out this information?

3) Her replies have been colder for the last 2 days, I don't think the kiss could have put her off because the day after the kiss, our text exchanges were amiable. Should I be worried that I may have come on slightly strong or am I over-thinking this?

4) She did say that she wants to hang out again, probably Thursday. Should I maintain a strict "no texting till Thursday" mode or should I text her throughout the week? What do I say?

5) Let's assume that I meet with her on Thursday for what could be our second date. Since we kissed on our first date (a good night kiss), what is the right thing to do here? Should I kiss her on her lips when I see her first, or do I kiss her on the cheeks or do I just hug her? Do I look for signals again as I did on a first date, or are the rules for a second date different?

6) Last but not the least, she is 5 years older than me and I am keen to avoid coming off as over-eager, have I done anything so far that could put her off?

 

I would really appreciate any feedback from folks out here on this. Thank you!

[Larryville]

You are seriously overthinking and if you don’t get a handle on it you will throw a wrench in your dating life regardless of who you are with.

[swazzzz]

I understand that. And I promise to not over think it. But any pointers or advice on how to proceed with things will really help me in not making the wrong moves at this point.

[Larryville]

By focusing on the “not overthinking” you won’t be so tied down to these “rules”

But this…

 

should I assume am not the only one she is dating currently?

 

Absolutely…

 

Just be cool and don’t rush her or the situation nothing will scare off a woman faster than an over anxious dudes.

 

The ladies here might give you much better advice than I. Good Luck

[swazzzz]

Yeah looking forward to some insight from the ladies. I apparently suck at this

[Mrin]

Mmmmm seems pretty normal. Only thing I would say is:

 

1. When a woman throws out a date (like "maybe Thursday?") go ahead and accept. Your 3 hour gap there gives her brain a bunch of time to chew on it - maybe he is waiting for a better offer? Maybe he's not that into me?

 

2. If you are in the middle of a text convo don't just all of a sudden ghost on it. That's a trigger for a lot of people.

 

3. Thursday should be a date. Even if only a meet up somewhere. Not a come over and hang out

[swazzzz]

Thanks a lot for the advice. If anyone could please answer the questions I posted, that will be immensely helpful!

[BlueIris]

1) Am I being too hasty? – about what? Asking her out again? Nah, you’re fine.

 

2) I know first date kiss doesn't make us exclusive, should I assume am not the only one she is dating currently? Is there a smart way to find out this information?-- That’s not your business. Don’t get possessive. Enjoy yourself and flirt. It’s fun.

 

3) Her replies have been colder for the last 2 days, I don't think the kiss could have put her off because the day after the kiss, our text exchanges were amiable. Should I be worried that I may have come on slightly strong or am I over-thinking this?— Yes, you’re over-thinking. The kiss probably isn't as important as how you communicate now. Send her a goofy or funny something by text.

4) She did say that she wants to hang out again, probably Thursday. Should I maintain a strict "no texting till Thursday" mode or should I text her throughout the week? What do I say?--- Honestly, that’s annoying thinking. You’re clenching. Enjoy yourself and flirt. It’s fun. You should make firm plans for Thursday asap. Delaying is game-playing. Don't do that.

 

5) Let's assume that I meet with her on Thursday for what could be our second date. Since we kissed on our first date (a good night kiss), what is the right thing to do here? Should I kiss her on her lips when I see her first, or do I kiss her on the cheeks or do I just hug her? Do I look for signals again as I did on a first date, or are the rules for a second date different?— Calm down. Go on a date Thursday. Suggest 2-3 ideas that sound fun or that allow for dressing up and… flirting! Call tonight, if you haven’t already. Calling last minute is rude.

 

6) Last but not the least, she is 5 years older than me and I am keen to avoid coming off as over-eager, have I done anything so far that could put her off?—you are definitely overeager. Why is that? Relax and decide ONLY to have fun and flirt. No more than that.

 

 

JMO

[wesmel06]

I'm currently single and have had a hard time meeting women recently but I have learned a thing or two about dating in the past. I'll try and help out.

 

 

1) Never EVER tell a woman that your available all the time. Or that you have an "open schedule". Also never EVER set a "maybe" date. Even if it's not entirely true you need to give off the impression that your a busy man and that your time is valuable. You need to convey the fact that your not the type of guy who is going to sit around not making plans waiting on her to be available. Don't ask me why but women are not attracted to men like this. They'll keep you as the maybe date or the back up guy if they have nothing else going on but you wont be a priority.

 

 

Just tell her that you don't do maybe dates. You have friends, family, and so on who are dying to see you. You have a life other than her. Tell her that you would really like to see her but you need to nail down a time and place so that you can arrange your schedule. She'll appreciate and respect you more if you act like a busy man. Not her doormat if she's available.

 

 

2) Do not over text, talk, or anything like that. The only time you should be calling or texting is to make a date. That's it. The goal is to meet her in person. Not to be texting buddies. Call her and ask her out. If she declines and doesn't give a counter offer where she will be available later don't take it personally. Tell her you'd love to see her but her schedule sounds a little up in the air right now. Tell her to text you when she gets things figured out and then completely stop contacting her until she contacts you again. If she does contact you a week later take it like she wants to see you and set a date. A specific time and place to meet up. No maybe dates.

 

 

3) Are you overthinking the situation? Yes. Are you moving too fast? Honestly I don't think so. I'm not saying that you should bring up being in a relationship yet or anything. Leave that to her. If she wants to be exclusive believe me she will let you know. What you need to be focusing on is having fun and hooking up. Show her a great time. Try to slowly make progress every date. Kiss her longer next time. Maybe even ask her to your place for a movie, wine, or something? Some of my best dates have been just hanging around my house playing pool, drinking a little, and they ended with sex/cuddling lol. Be in the moment. Keep pushing further and further. Tell her how sexy she looked tonight. Tell her that you hate to stop kissing her and wish you could do that to her all night.

 

 

Did it ever occur to you that maybe she is loosing interest because your not being aggressive or assertive enough? As weird as it sounds this has happened to me. Who broke off the kiss? Was it her? Was it you? Did she do anything to make you think she didn't want you to stop? Women don't kiss men that they are not romantically interested in. If she was willing to kiss you on the first date then she liked you. You as the man need to lead the interaction. Maybe she was disappointed that you didn't ask if maybe you could come in for a while? Only she knows.

 

 

Call her. Ask her out on a second date for a specific time and place. If she isn't available but does like you she will tell you another day when she is available. Set the date. Don't beat around the bush and leave her hanging again. Confirm a time and place. Maybe dates are usually dates that don't end up happening. Once out with her make sure she has fun. Flirt!! Don't be a total dog but let her know you are sexually interested in her and that you feel attracted to her. If she let's you kiss her again try and move the interaction from the doorstep to inside the house. Maybe even into her bed. Or your bed. Don't pull back suddenly and make her feel weird about it. Commit to it and take a chance. She'll stop you if your moving too fast.

 

 

Hope this helps out.

[joseb]

Be more clear in asking her out. Drop the "do.you want to hang out sometime" sounds like you just want to sleep with her.

Ask her out on a date, and pick a time and date.

 

You can't expect her to just come over last minute to watch basketball. That's what you do with your buddies.

 

Agree with others, dont say you are available any time. That does seem to.be too.keen

 

So have you nailed down a date for Thursday?

[swazzzz]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. And yes, I do have a date on Thursday. I didn't call her though, I just texted her something goofy and then once she responded, I asked if beer, bowling and wings sounds like a good idea or not. She said she'd love that but has a finger injury so can't bowl. She then said just dinner and drinks is fine as she would be tired after work. I told her that's fine and that I will see her tomorrow. My plan was to take her to a bowling alley and just enjoy some gutter balls but since bowling is out of the picture, it's just going to be dinner and drinks. So will be identical to the first date. Is there any ideas on improvising on dinner and drinks? She is definitely keeping it casual and I would want to do the same too, even though I do look forward to her texts during the day.

 

So she usually gets off work around 7:30 pm and I think she is comfortable texting. I would like to call her but I'm worried that it may come off as too eager. We haven't had a chat on the phone yet but do women actually prefer a guy calling them and finalising a date or does text suffice? How should I approach tomorrow and how should I step things up a bit if I have to?

[swazzzz]

We are doing just dinner and wine at an Italian restaurant. I picked the place, it's slightly upmarket but not overly expensive. Any pointers?

[swazzzz]

Just got back, dinner went really well, I had to fork out $135 but I didn't think asking to go dutch was a good idea. I walked her back to her car and we kissed which went fine. Feeling that I paid a bit too much, is this normal or should I ask her to pay the next time we go out? At least I know that she likes spending time with me because she definitely asked a lot of questions and we flirted a bit and everything was fine.

[misspond]

Maybe (if you want to spend time with her again) suggest something less expensive. And see if she's grown-up enough to offer to pay without you having to ask...

[swazzzz]

One thing that does bother me is her timing of texts. And it doesn't allow me to know if she likes me or not. For example, after dinner last night, I texted her a courtesy good night text to which she never replied. Even after I woke up this morning, there was nothing. I eventually texted her a good morning and asked how her night was. She then replied after half hour that it was good and that she has reached her mom's house (she told me last night that she would be driving to her mom's for a day). To which I replied "great, so when do I see you next? Do you want to do something on Saturday once you are back?" And there has been no reply to this and it has been 3 hours. People obviously check their phones more often than every 3 hours in today's age, so that is what I am saying, her timing throws me off at times. Have any of you guys seen this type of behavior before?

[swazzzz]

Hi all,

A quick status update: I am seeing her in 30 mins for a brunch in what is supposed to be our 3rd date. I just texted her and said I made reservations and she texted back "oh no! There's like 5 of us". So she is bringing friends to what I thought was a date. What does this mean? Is she trying to friend zone me or is she trying to introduce me to her friends? This is a strange move, considering the fact that she didn't even tell me that friends would be joining us. In fact, if I hadn't texted her to confirm the details, I think I would have been shocked when I met her at the restaurant to see her entourage in tow. Any suggestions for me to handle this?

[TXGuy]

I would cancel. It is over as far as she is concerned. I don't think there is any way to salvage this.

(ETA: Probably too late to cancel, since you said it was only 30 min away.)

I think your primary mistake(s) was being way to passive/indecisive in asking her for dates.

"When will I see you again."

"Would you like to hang out sometime."

Are 'cringeworthy.' Stop doing that.

 

Move on to someone else.

[bluefeather]

sounds like she is either bad at communicating or not interested in you.

[VeveCakes]

First, don't focus on what you paid for the date. Make sure you are comfortable with the price before you go out next time, a lot of women expect the man to pay (not saying it's right that's just how it is).

 

Second, I would back off from the texts a bit. Only text her after she texts you for the next week or so. You are too available. Get busy with your own life.

 

What happened at brunch?

[swazzzz]

Alright so here is what happened. So obviously I didn't cancel as that would have been the wrong thing to do 30 mins before our agreed meet up. Anyhow, I got there and she was there with her friends (who had known about the plan since last night). It was a brunch with $15 bottomless mimosas so I got pretty buzzed by the time we left. We were there for 2 hours, I chit chatted with her friends but it wasn't like she was being super sweet to me or anything. I was clearly just one of the people that was there and not someone special. She introduced me as someone she met at a bar 2 weeks ago (I am wondering, what else could she have introduced me as? boyfriend? friend? acquaintance?). After that place we went to a rooftop bar where the drinks orders got exponentially stronger and I got pretty hammered. And again, my interaction with this girl was limited and I was talking to her friends more. And she definitely did not make any extra effort to talk to me. It seemed that she wasn't that in to me which was disappointing. After a point, she excused herself to go to the restroom and after she didn't come back for 15 minutes, one of her girlfriends texted her and saw that she had taken an Uber home. I texted her asking if she is ok and if she needs anything. She replied saying that she's home and she's wasted and going to bed. And then I pulled a rookie move by replying "you looked really cute today and you have a beautiful smile". I know I know, that was way too over eager but I was pretty hammered too. I went back home, passed out and woke up to a "thx" text from her. Boom. I think this one is bust. I guess I should stop texting her and wait if she wants to get in touch with me or not right?

[swazzzz]

I know I shouldn't text her but it is so damn hard to not want to know what she thinks about me or my stupid texts from yesterday or what she wants from me. Why is this power struggle always so difficult to handle? It's like dating changes a human being and goes from being a confident man to an anxious, bumbling man. How does one deal with this?

[swazzzz]

So I caved, and feel horrible after doing it. Hate the games that the mind plays on you. I was just getting some work done and had a good feeling in my head, which made me think positively about the girl and voila, I send her a "how's it going" text. And that was 5 hours ago. I feel like such a fool. Again, I don't want to call this off till it really is over but 2 dates and 1 hang out with friends, kisses after each date, me pretty much being the nicest guy I could be and she loses interest? Or is she playing me? Help please.

[swazzzz]

I'd really appreciate some words of support (or mockery). Whatever works to get me thinking in the right lines.

[Sunnymae]

I think you need to expand. Start dating other people. It sounds like you're a bit obsessed. If she's making you wonder if she's into you or not, she's probably not sure herself. Was the kiss French, or more casual? Personally, I would never French a guy unless, I wantrd sex. If you had a passionate kiss it should lead to sex, just my opinion. She's sending mixed signals, which is so frustrating.

She may be dating other people and trying to Decide who she wants. Maybe that's what the friends were there for, to help her decide.

Good luck

[planb1973]

Back up a bit here. She went to the bathroom and never came back!

 

Just up and left!

 

Without a goodbye or "I'm hammered and need to go."!

 

And you are being "nice guy" about it?!

 

I would take a much closer look at that. Leaving without letting your "date" know is rude. I think you have firmly planted yourself in friend zone. I would not get a hold of her unless you are interested in only platonic friends.