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Posted

I'm heartbroken right now. I am. And I'm the dumper.

 

I met someone 6 months ago and she was amazing. Sexy, affectionate, wanted the same things in life. I was really, really happy. I had just gotten over a breakup and I was finally ready to get out there and be emotionally available again, and that's when I met A.

 

When had so much chemistry and I just felt alive when I was with her, ya know? Would text all night and wouldn't want to say goodnight type of thing going.

 

But then, it all slowly started crashing down. I started noticing how unbelievably immature she was. How ignorant she was in the sh*t she woul say. We started bickering. The bickering turned into all-out warfare where she would verbally abuse me to no end. She started to do it just from having a bad day ... suddenly she'd pick a fight with me and start attacking my character. I kept trying to make it work .. told her that it was hurting me .. we would talk it out, but then it would happen again!

 

I finally got to the point where I told her, if you abuse me outta nowhere one more time, it's over. And of course she did it again. So I said that's it, I'm done. She cried her eyes out and seemed SO hurt. Long story short, I let that happen about 6 more times, and 6 more times of crying, until I was REALLY done. And then I kicked her to the curb.

 

I am heartbroken. Heartbroken. I miss the amazing things about her. The things that I fell for. I miss the things we talked about and our dreams for the future. I DON'T miss the monster she would turn into every week or so outta nowhere, but when I'm feeling really lonely and missing her, I don't even remember those times so much, ya know?

 

I've never dumped anyone. Nothing has ever been so bad as what I endured. I know this, and that's why I feel like my heart broke over pure disappointment. She disappointed me SO MUCH. She just wasn't what I thought she was.

 

I don't have a question really, or really need much advice. I'm just grieving, for someone I so much adore half of. But that good half of her ... I'll never stop loving. :(

  • Like 1
Posted

Oh, you met my ex? Dude, I went through the same thing. She was almost perfect in the beginning (loving, affectionate, same deal) and then she flipped a switch. It was then that I started to uncover the lies, experience her outbursts, and just generally get a bad feeling about her actions when I wasn't around.

 

You got the same thing as me...the push and pull. Basically, she would start an argument, apologize and then do it again. She would even take something nice that I did for her and get angry about it.

 

But I commend you for breaking things off. I wish I had after the first outburst. Enough time has passed such that most of what I remember about her is the terrible attitude and lies. Take those rose colored glasses and toss em in the trash. Be glad she showed you who she was sooner rather than later...I certainly am.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Everyone commends me for breaking it off. Says I did the right thing. My friends, my therapist. Why do I feel SO LOW??

 

After I broke it off we continued to just text for a bit. Kind of calming everything down in the aftermath and talking through things. This managed to turn into an everyday texting habit which was hindering either of us from moving on. So anyway, she is trying to talk to someone else right now, so we need to stop texting each other. Said bye last night. It was SO HARD.

 

I'm trying to remove the rose-colored glasses and maybe I backed myself into a hole because she and I continued talking, and the majority of that feeling while we talked were the good feelings we always had. The outbursts and the abuse only seemed to happen when we were good and committed (don't know if that meant she felt safe enough to pull them?) Either way, such disappointment. I KNOW all that would happen if I took her back was more of the same ****. I would have a pit in my stomach when I'd see her ... that's how bad it got at one point. Everything in my gut was telling me to run.

 

Of course now I'm questioning if that was just me being crazy. :confused::(

  • Like 1
Posted

Is this the woman you rebounded with a week after deciding to finally let go of your other girlfriend? At the time, I thought you were making a mistake, because instead of focusing on healing and really moving forward from that relationship, you were going the distraction route with a new romantic interest.

 

If this isn't the same person, I apologize.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Yes it is Blanco ...

 

But do you really call it a rebound when I was broken up with my former girlfriend for 7 months prior to this? SEVEN MONTHS.

 

Yes, she and I had a conversation in December and I knew that was it .. I was done pining over her. I felt a weight lifted. I had been trying to date for months before all that, but I couldn't ... I wasn't available emotionally.

 

In December when that happened, I became totally open and willing to date. And I was. I really was. I met this girl, and I was over my ex from before. My ex even tried contacting me many times when I was with this girl, and I had no problem ignoring it. I was focused elsewhere and all about this girl (even now .. I'm not even concerned with my ex prior, even though she still has contacted me).

 

Even if it was a distraction in the beginning, it turned into something else. Something real. And then unfortunately that something real turned into something quite abusive after a few months. So, I made the decision that I did. But it doesn't change the hurt and disappointment. You think because it was a rebound that it became a disappointing, abusive situation?

  • Like 1
Posted

It seemed like a rebound in the sense that you went from still being very much hung up on the one ex to being infatuated with the new girl in a matter of about a week. You had been broken up with the one for a while, but you still seem really emotionally invested in her. That stuff doesn't usually evaporate in a week, so the new girl very much sounded like a fun distraction.

 

Wasn't the first woman abusive, too? One trait you'll find with people who don't take time to properly heal before getting involved in a new person is that they end up with the same type of person, in this case, an abuser.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

I wouldn't say the first woman was abusive ... she was fickle and very odd ... but she didn't abusive me in any way.

 

I've actually never been abused in the sense like I was with this one. I've never even broken up with anybody until now. I had no choice. She was hurting me, and I was losing interest when she would act like that. I was embarrassed that I was with her, honestly. Embarrassed that if anyone knew what she was doing to me they would look at me like I was crazy. I would NEVER have let her meet my parents. The whole thing just threw me for a loop. When she was sweet and kind, I was on cloud 9. But that wasn't her all the time ... not even most the time. Just about half the time. That wasn't enough for me.

 

She got me over my ex, though, that's for sure.

  • Like 1
Posted

At seven months, you were still in an incomplete recovery process.

 

It was too soon for a strong emotional investment in a new partner.

 

 

Take care.

Posted
Yes it is Blanco ...

 

But do you really call it a rebound when I was broken up with my former girlfriend for 7 months prior to this? SEVEN MONTHS.

 

Yes, she and I had a conversation in December and I knew that was it .. I was done pining over her. I felt a weight lifted. I had been trying to date for months before all that, but I couldn't ... I wasn't available emotionally.

 

In December when that happened, I became totally open and willing to date. And I was. I really was. I met this girl, and I was over my ex from before. My ex even tried contacting me many times when I was with this girl, and I had no problem ignoring it. I was focused elsewhere and all about this girl (even now .. I'm not even concerned with my ex prior, even though she still has contacted me).

 

Even if it was a distraction in the beginning, it turned into something else. Something real. And then unfortunately that something real turned into something quite abusive after a few months. So, I made the decision that I did. But it doesn't change the hurt and disappointment. You think because it was a rebound that it became a disappointing, abusive situation?

 

Yes, it was a rebound. While you might have physically been broken up for seven months you mentally weren't. You kept communicating with the ex and holding on to that lifeline. You emotionally swung from one vine to the other, which is why you took a lot more crap from this last relationship than you should have. You're so afraid of being alone that you let people use you and step on you. That's what you need to change, or you are going to keep attracting people who use and belittle you.

  • Like 4
Posted

Sounds like you certainly liked her a lot- sorry that you lost that. I think you were wise in breaking it off though. I think some one will come along that you enjoy being with again, but it is lonely in between. Maybe ask yourself some hard questions about this last relationship, what did you like most about her? What did you like least? What is the stuff that was ok, but threw up some red flags? Did you get emotionally and perhaps sexually involved too quickly? Its hard not to in today's culture but it sure is painful and perhaps unhealthy to go to quick.

Posted

ahh. The dreaded "chemistry" high.

 

Breaking up from great chemistry feels like you will "always love them" and that it will be impossible to truly get over a woman with whom you were " infatuated" with.

 

Chemistry is not equivalent to real love. But it IS what makes you FEEl " in love". Chemistry, Passion, longing for someone and feeling " alive" with them - this is the stuff of fairytales and movies, and this is the HARDEST thing to get over (other than death and betrayal of course!)

 

In time, you will realise that you can have that kind of " connection" again, where the stars allign and you feel super into a new girl - and this time, the RIGHT one will ALSO be greately compatible with you on other levels BESIDE from the " head over heels" feeling she evokes.

  • Author
Posted
Yes, it was a rebound. While you might have physically been broken up for seven months you mentally weren't. You kept communicating with the ex and holding on to that lifeline. You emotionally swung from one vine to the other, which is why you took a lot more crap from this last relationship than you should have. You're so afraid of being alone that you let people use you and step on you. That's what you need to change, or you are going to keep attracting people who use and belittle you.

 

I'm definitely afraid of being alone. I agree with this totally.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Well, the good thing is, with her, the chemistry could only last as long until her next abusive episode ... which she decided to unleash on me today out of nowhere by verbally assaulting my DOG via text (we are broken up, limited contact). Yes, my dog.

 

I actually needed that from her. Brought me down to reality again and the realization why I had to end it.

 

Hoping Leigh 87 is right in that next time I feel that high, it will be a well rounded one, with someone who actually cares about me.

 

I think everyone else is right in that I need to take some time to myself and be okay with being alone. Didn't even realize what I was doing, honestly. Just felt ready to date again. Guess I just didn't want to be alone. I still don't, but I will.

Edited by DontBreakEven
Posted

-DontBreakeven.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself man. This most recent ex of yours seems a lot like a girl I once dated.

 

The first few months of the relationship were amazing- the passion, the feeling of meeting my soulmate, the best sex of my life, and then she totally changed. She would start drama out of no where , she would verbally cut me down, she would cry if I was five minutes late to picking her up for dinner.

 

The thing that kept me around a lot longer than I should have was that she would be very much in control of her emotions for days and sometimes weeks at a time. However those emotional freak outs were never too far under the surface. My ex had a rough childhood, so I think that had a lot to do with it.

 

It is hard to move on from a women that you feel that I kind of passion for. You keep telling yourself that the girl you knew from the early part of the relationship is in there somewhere.

 

A woman like that has a way of stripping away your self-esteem.

 

Don't blame yourself for things turning out this way. The issues she has were there before she met you.

 

Stay strong and focus on self-improvement in the weeks to come.

 

Best of luck to you.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Thank you Jbird.

 

It is hard. I do miss what was there the first couple of months. What's even weirder is that she knows she has an issue. She acknowledges it. But does nothing about it. When her switch is flipped, so to speak, she is completely out of touch with anything other than her episode at hand, and she unleashes full force.

 

Like even yesterday, we were just casually discussing our relationship, what went wrong, why she does that, why she did it only after we became official, etc. She seemed of such clear mind discussing it.

 

Then, for whatever reason, I don't even know what was said, she went off on a tirade. Somehow it went from verbally attacking my little fluffy dog, to telling me that she hopes I don't have kids or they will end up falling in a gorilla pit. Fml with her. Seriously. I'm done and I'm cutting her out, but it still hurts that it ever even happened. Such a mind f*ck.

Posted

I would also point out that it is important that you don't get stuck in thinking you could have "fixed things."

 

I know in my experience with a woman like this that there were times where I would think, "well if had held her hand more, or was more patient with her outbursts, or was more comforting" . . . and so and so on.

 

Looking back on it, I got caught up in thinking I could help this girl get over her issues, I could save her. I caution you to not get in that kind of thinking.

 

Individuals have to take accountability for their own behavior.

  • Author
Posted

Jbird ...

 

I'm feeling like that RIGHT NOW.

 

I know in a relationship sense I wouldn't have been able to stand her. Even if I could help her in any way, I'm too old now (33, she's 26) and too established in my career and my personal life to allow someone like that to get in the way of any of it. I knew there was an issue when I was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her to friends and family due to her extreme immaturity and potential outbursts ... or lord knows how she would act in front of them .. I've really no idea. She met some friends, and just sat there and didn't say anything. Needless to say, even if that was her chosen behavior, mom and dad would've been none too impressed. :confused:

 

But, I was trying to maintain a friendship with her. I felt like at the very least I could be there for her in some capacity. But every few days there would be her spewing vitriol at me via text, or her trying to make me feel less than, or jealous, or whatever it be. A couple days ago she did it again, with an all-out verbal assault on my little dog and how "dumb" it was.

 

I ignored her after a while, and then a few hours later she sent me a random text. I ignored this. Next day she sent me another text as if nothing happened. I responded and told her that she can't just text me as if nothing happened, and that I'm sick of her sh*t and don't need her crap and negativity in my life. She responded with "alright sorry won't text you anymore". So that was last night. And again I feel awful. Why do I constantly feel like I'm abandoning someone??! And it sucks because when she's good, she's great. So much fun to talk to, I enjoy her friendship. But it's like in order to enjoy that I just have to suck it up and put up with random abuse every few days?? Ugh! :mad:

 

So I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just leaving it alone. I've grappled with trying to explain myself AGAIN, but what is the point really? I don't even know what my connection with her is even about at this point. Co-dependency?? I feel like I do enable her when I just allow it to happen so that I won't lose her. But I don't even know what I need her for. We will never be together again. We live hundreds of miles away now and will probably never even hang out again. I will just listen to her tell me about her new dating adventures, etc. I don't even understand myself anymore.

Posted

On some level you care for her.

Id say, let go...walk away but give some honest feedback and closure.

Then maybe way down the line like years from now, your paths can cross as friends.

Seems maybe she has some growing up or changing to do

Maybe if you explain how her outbusts affected you then she can learn for next time.

But be firm when you end it.

Be prepared for some antics and a spewing of hatred as a result but do not answer after that.

Its on her to look at herself and face the consequences of her actions.

  • Author
Posted
On some level you care for her.

Id say, let go...walk away but give some honest feedback and closure.

Then maybe way down the line like years from now, your paths can cross as friends.

Seems maybe she has some growing up or changing to do

Maybe if you explain how her outbusts affected you then she can learn for next time.

But be firm when you end it.

Be prepared for some antics and a spewing of hatred as a result but do not answer after that.

Its on her to look at herself and face the consequences of her actions.

 

Thank you. My problem is that, I have told her numerous times how her outbursts affect me. It's the whole reason I broke up with her. I know myself, and I won't be able to "end it" if I get back into communication. I'll explain how the outbursts affect me (again), and we will get back into our circle of communication that literally goes nowhere as it is essentially some type of addiction to each other due to all the chemistry that we do have underneath it all. Like, we both LOVE seeing each other's names on each other's phones, more than anyone else's, even though we are trying to move on from each other romantically. It's just not healthy, all around. I don't know how to stop it, other than just drop it like this. Which feels awful, honestly. Because yes, I do care for her on some level.

  • Like 1
Posted

Sorry to hear you are having to got through this. It is presumably the same kind of thing that abused men and women feel - they want the good side of the person and hang on as long as possible until reality (literally) kicks them. It's an awful place to be but I feel that people are made up of multiple characters and if you are lucky their characters are all great or relatively benign. If they are not, you either have to be prepared to live with the worst of them or give up on them.

  • Author
Posted

Well, I guess my choice was to give up.

 

I feel again like I get kicked in the gut.

 

She has put me through it, I tell ya. Maybe eventually I will write here the entire story from start to finish for clarity's sake, but basically now, a few days ago she suggested that we hang out this weekend in my town because she was going to be driving through, "as friends" (that would never happen .. she'd be staying with me .. we would have sex). And then after the weekend she would leave and go back to her town. And then after that she was supposed to drive down to Florida for a week to meet her new "babe" she met online a few days after I broke up with her.

 

I thought real hard about this and finally said no. I knew it was short term pleasure in exchange for long term hurt. I would be getting the good parts of her that I love, and then she would leave, and my mind would only remember the good parts, and it would be that much harder to let go. Not to mention, she'd be directly off to meet her new babe, and I'd be left with this weekend that would make me second guess all of my decisions.

 

So, I told her not to come. She said okay. Instead of driving back to her town, she instead drove straight to Florida with her dog and all her stuff to meet "babe", and now she is living there. Living there. Not coming back. (Mind you this all happened 2 days ago ... TWO DAYS AGO).

 

I know this is insane. I know if you knew the whole story, as my friends do, your only response will be that I dodged a bullet. But it still hurts. The best parts of her were some of the greatest relationship moments I've ever had. I had no choice but to end it when I realized that if I wanted Jeckyll, I'd have to take Hyde, but the pain and disappointment is crippling at times. It really is.

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