losangelena Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 No this is not a spam post at all! lol. I think my reason for barriers are several. Terrible father for one. He was not abusive but just a completely nasty person and if I'm honest I wonder if it has led to a fear of men. Second a general lack of openess. I'm one of those people who has lots of 'good' friends but only family have gotten to the core of me. I find most of my friends drift, perhaps I am not giving them enough of myself. I can see how a lot of my friendships are one sided and I guess they just get tired of it. I'll maybe initiate with friends every third or fourth time. And I'm completely ok with not seeing my 'best' friends for 6 months which even I acknowledge is little strange. If I'm honest despite my confident exterior I am just so scared of rejection that even if a guy lays it out for me I will automaticaly tell myself, he does not view you in a romantic light, he just wants to be your friend. And then I guess I act accordingly. It's like the the only thing I will believe is the guy going 'let's go for a coffee and not as friends, this is a romantic invitation'. Guy saying 'do you want to get a coffee' for me translates as 'let's get a coffee as friends so I can ask your advice about how to get with women.' Finally, I used to be really overweight. I'm not now and I am pretty good looking, but again when I catch guys looking at me I immediately think oh they're checking out my squishy stomach or whatever and I can't figure that maybe they aren't looking critically but appreciatively. Yeah, I know therapy is the answer, but I know this sounds lame but it is pretty expensive. I bought my first home and a car to get to work and the payments are killing me Couple of things ... You sound just like me. I also used to be very really overweight, and even as a smaller person, it was really hard for me to accept the notion that any man, anywhere, would ever find me attractive. I didn't have sex until I was 33; I didn't have a real BF until I was 34. Bottom line, you're fine on that end. There's no reason to like, broadcast it (especially the virginity part; people will treat you like a unicorn), but I don't think you need to lie about being single. Who cares what people think? You say you're confident, but a confident person wouldn't say they've been seeing someone when they really haven't, right? When I got on OLD, I too was shocked at how much attention I got, especially considering how little attention I got IRL. But my advice to you is not to shy away from it. What my experience showed me is that I actually was an attractive person, I just threw out "don't talk to me" vibes in person. I had always just thought I was some hideous wildebeest. But if anything, it just helped me see the extent of my closed-off-ness. I mean, sure you can freak out, delete it, cross your arms and say, "I want that IRL, instead," but the beneficial thing about actually accepting an online date or two is that you get the experience of going out on a date with a man who you know has romantic intentions towards you. After-all, you met on a dating site! I would argue that what you need right now is that practice. Go out on a few dates. Flirt, have your first kiss (if you haven't already), get laid, date some dudes, find a relationship. Interacting with men became so much easier for me through this process. It also minimized the sheer terror of rejection, and helped me see men through a more realistic lens—no more pining away for years on end for men who weren't interested or available. It's also now easier, 2.5 years later, to meet men IRL. A guy at my new job came up to me last Friday, said he'd "seen me around and wanted to introduce himself," and I figured that meant he at least thought I was attractive. Otherwise he probably wouldn't have come right up to me and told me he'd made special note of me—that is the textbook definition of signifying interest. Anyway, you want to be at the place where you're open enough to meet men IRL, but you're not there yet. That change is a process, and it won't happen in a vacuum. You need to start interacting with men in a romantic context, and the easiest (from an availability standpoint) is through online dating. It's dating training wheels. Oh, I also started seeing a therapist after a few months of dating. Started to realize I was still only attracted to unavailable men (emotionally unavailable, not married). I realize they can be expensive, but I found one that offers sliding-scale rates to people who need them. See it as an investment in your future. You can't sort through all these issues on your own.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 The reason why this is surprising is because most women who OLD get hundreds of responses a day. Not to mention that women ALWAYS seem to have choices, whether it be real life or online. The men come to them. Ya I have said that before
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 The reason why this is surprising is because most women who OLD get hundreds of responses a day. Not to mention that women ALWAYS seem to have choices, whether it be real life or online. The men come to them. Not all women, only the hot ones, the desirable ones, the ones that know how to flirt, how to grab a guy's attention, all the rest are left waiting to be noticed, IRL and on OLD. Plenty single women out there. How many guys are looking specifically for an ugly woman, am obese woman, a painfully shy or socially inept woman? So whilst many women are enjoying plenty options, others are struggling in the same way some guys are. 3
MGX Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Not all women, only the hot ones, the desirable ones, the ones that know how to flirt, how to grab a guy's attention, all the rest are left waiting to be noticed, IRL and on OLD. Plenty single women out there. How many guys are looking specifically for an ugly woman, am obese woman, a painfully shy or socially inept woman? So whilst many women are enjoying plenty options, others are struggling in the same way some guys are. I don't think it matters to some horndogs, who'd plow ANY woman. Especially in the inner city here. Unwilling female virgins? That's a new one for me. Not doubting you, elaine. It's just not what I'm used to or have experienced.
losangelena Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Not doubting you, elaine. It's just not what I'm used to or have experienced. MGX, I'm not trying to pick on you, but I really don't get this mindset. Many people experience life in ways that others cannot relate to. Do you know what it's like to live with a missing limb? To be deaf? To be an orphan or have adoptive parents? Probably not. That doesn't negate the experience of those who have or do. Same with this situation. I would say that actually, the fair majority of the single women I know are not actively dating. Nor are men beating down their doors. And these are attractive, interesting, accomplished women. No bridge trolls here. I think it's something of a myth that all women somehow get swarmed with male attention, or that all women enjoy it. For women like OP, who are perhaps outgoing but closed off, it's not going to matter if men approach her, she's not receptive to it. She even said that she tried OLD—got approached—but then she got scared and deleted her account. If you're going to run away when a man does show interest, or you're going to misinterpret his interest for friendship (as OP states she has), well then you're not going to have much luck in the romance department, are you? It's not as if OP is really trying to date and not finding luck. She's not putting herself out there, and I think men pick up on that lack of availability, and they steer clear, no matter how attractive she may be. 2
MGX Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 MGX, I'm not trying to pick on you, but I really don't get this mindset. Many people experience life in ways that others cannot relate to. Do you know what it's like to live with a missing limb? To be deaf? To be an orphan or have adoptive parents? Probably not. That doesn't negate the experience of those who have or do. Same with this situation. I would say that actually, the fair majority of the single women I know are not actively dating. Nor are men beating down their doors. And these are attractive, interesting, accomplished women. No bridge trolls here. I think it's something of a myth that all women somehow get swarmed with male attention, or that all women enjoy it. For women like OP, who are perhaps outgoing but closed off, it's not going to matter if men approach her, she's not receptive to it. She even said that she tried OLD—got approached—but then she got scared and deleted her account. If you're going to run away when a man does show interest, or you're going to misinterpret his interest for friendship (as OP states she has), well then you're not going to have much luck in the romance department, are you? It's not as if OP is really trying to date and not finding luck. She's not putting herself out there, and I think men pick up on that lack of availability, and they steer clear, no matter how attractive she may be. I've never known a woman who was perpetually single. Like a guy. In my experience, my female friends, acquaintances or co-workers are almost always attached to a husband, boyfriend or girlfriend. Or even if they didn't have any current companionship, there was no shortage of would-be suitors. So much so, that it's hard for me to fathom a woman NOT getting attention from someone--wanted or not. What you say is logical, but because of what I'm always encountering, it seems unbelievable.
ChickiePops Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I've never known a woman who was perpetually single. Like a guy. In my experience, my female friends, acquaintances or co-workers are almost always attached to a husband, boyfriend or girlfriend. Or even if they didn't have any current companionship, there was no shortage of would-be suitors. So much so, that it's hard for me to fathom a woman NOT getting attention from someone--wanted or not. What you say is logical, but because of what I'm always encountering, it seems unbelievable. I've never been to Japan. Does that mean it doesn't exist??? Oh the existential questions that can be mined out of this comment... Dude, there are TONS of single women out there who have trouble dating. I know more single women than single men. Perhaps your standards are too high. Or you're looking in the wrong places. Or both. 1
hasaquestion Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I've never been to Japan. Does that mean it doesn't exist??? Oh the existential questions that can be mined out of this comment... I hear that it exists, and lots of people there are like the OP.
MGX Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I've never been to Japan. Does that mean it doesn't exist??? Oh the existential questions that can be mined out of this comment... Dude, there are TONS of single women out there who have trouble dating. I know more single women than single men. Perhaps your standards are too high. Or you're looking in the wrong places. Or both. I don't have standards. Again, I wasn't doubting elaine, but my lack of normal everyday platonic encounters with single women is why I mentioned "In my experience". Every woman I deal with professionally or personally is either in a relationship of some sort or otherwise has a few men (or women) that she can call somewhere around.
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I don't have standards. Again, I wasn't doubting elaine, but my lack of normal everyday platonic encounters with single women is why I mentioned "In my experience". Every woman I deal with professionally or personally is either in a relationship of some sort or otherwise has a few men (or women) that she can call somewhere around. The OP is inundated with male friends, but she hides her virginity and her lack of dates. This is pretty standard stuff. How do you know the single women you think are swimming in male attention are not doing the same?
MGX Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 The OP is inundated with male friends, but she hides her virginity and her lack of dates. This is pretty standard stuff. How do you know the single women you think are swimming in male attention are not doing the same? I either see my female friends' men regularly around them or I hang out with them, if I'm tight with either party. My co-workers always mention their families (children or SO). No hidden female virgins here.
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I either see my female friends' men regularly around them or I hang out with them, if I'm tight with either party. My co-workers always mention their families (children or SO). No hidden female virgins here. OK so we are basing this "fact" on your particular social circle, I see... Statistics show no male bias in late virgins.
MGX Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 OK so we are basing this "fact" on your particular social circle, I see... I told you "In my experience" twice before. This is number three. I never said that this was everyone. I did relegate this to myself, you know.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 The reason why this is surprising is because most women who OLD get hundreds of responses a day. Not to mention that women ALWAYS seem to have choices, whether it be real life or online. The men come to them. Again, trying to be my new unbiased neutral me... When I did OLD I came across I think two women who said I was their first date. I remember being surprised by that. One of them favorited me and the other messaged me first. Beyond that, I didn't ask them how many messages and winks they got, because it might have made them feel bad if the answer was zero. Both had prior relationships tho. In contrast, the woman I am dating now had to take herself off because she was getting too many messages and she barely had a semblance of a profile. I mean, she is hot to me, but in the grand scheme of things, not super hot. I took a quick look through my Facebook and none of my female friends get no attention, although they may get very little from the guys they like. OTOH, there are a number of guy friends I know that get literally none. That's the way I think of it. Not every woman gets hundreds or even dozens of messages or approaches. But even if they sit on their arse, eventually a guy or a few will approach. If a similar guy sits on his arse, he'll collect cobwebs until he dies. 1
Els Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 (edited) Geez, now if the OP ever comes back, it will be to a slew of self-serving comments about how women are apparently NEVER perpetually single, hence making her feel even worse about herself. Nice work guys. OP - if you're reading this far, don't worry about it. I know a few girls who are almost 30 and have never had a R either. I really think it's just about the social circles you move in - the girls I mention don't really have social circles outside of work and church. People don't really like to **** where they eat for good reason (hence, no work Rs), and the guys in their church are just too passive. If they went out and met other guys, I'm certain they would have met some who liked them. But it can be a daunting endeavour, I understand. My suggestion, is that instead of going to events/groups that are specifically for dating, instead find a mixed hobby group or meetup group and go in with few expectations at first. Like hiking, or astronomy, or board games, or swimming, stuff like that? Whatever tickles your fancy. That will ease some of the pressure and you'll enjoy yourself regardless of the outcome, which will make you more relaxed. Edited June 10, 2016 by Elswyth
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Geez, now if the OP ever comes back, it will be to a slew of self-serving comments about how women are apparently NEVER perpetually single, hence making her feel even worse about herself. Nice work guys. Well I did say that I went on dates with two women who had never gotten a date from Match.com before. And I said that I have number of friends who don't get approached by lots of guys. There was a reason why... 1
Els Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Well I did say that I went on dates with two women who had never gotten a date from Match.com before. And I said that I have number of friends who don't get approached by lots of guys. There was a reason why... Yup, you did. I didn't mean you.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Geez, now if the OP ever comes back, it will be to a slew of self-serving comments about how women are apparently NEVER perpetually single, hence making her feel even worse about herself. Nice work guys. OP - if you're reading this far, don't worry about it. I know a few girls who are almost 30 and have never had a R either. I really think it's just about the social circles you move in - the girls I mention don't really have social circles outside of work and church. People don't really like to **** where they eat for good reason (hence, no work Rs), and the guys in their church are just too passive. If they went out and met other guys, I'm certain they would have met some who liked them. But it can be a daunting endeavour, I understand. My suggestion, is that instead of going to events/groups that are specifically for dating, instead find a mixed hobby group or meetup group and go in with few expectations at first. Like hiking, or astronomy, or board games, or swimming, stuff like that? Whatever tickles your fancy. That will ease some of the pressure and you'll enjoy yourself regardless of the outcome, which will make you more relaxed. Like I said before, maybe women just don't advertise it as much as guys do
shoplocal Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I was recently 'interested' in a shy girl. Thing is, she never let me near, in any way. I tried saying hello, tried being patient, but nothing. Anyway, brings me to the point: if you're interested, you need to put yourself forward. Say hi, ask how their day is, do something.. people aren't mind readers. They may think you're not interested, or are content with your life and don't need anyone. Leave no room for asumption, make your intentions clear, or else you'll be stuck there forever. This has long been a question of mine! How can you be interested in someone who never let you in or even responded to your friendly greeting? What about her interested you?
shoplocal Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) The reason why this is surprising is because most women who OLD get hundreds of responses a day. Not to mention that women ALWAYS seem to have choices, whether it be real life or online. The men come to them. Attractive/young/socially savvy/"cool" women ... which is not all women. I'm similar to this posted -- 33F, never been in a relationship, neurotypical men (my preference) aren't attracted to me. I assume it's because I'm fat. *shrug* Perhaps there are more men who experience this, but there are also many women suffering silently, not the least because no one believes us, so we stop talking about it. ETA: Thank you to the OP for starting this thread. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one. I hope you manage to find someone, though -- it's not a great thing to have in common! Edited June 13, 2016 by shoplocal 1
No_Go Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Here is one that was perpetually single. Until the age of 27.5 I've NEVER been on a date, kissed or touched by a man. I dare to say I was a VERY attractive woman at that age, thin, well-dressed etc. However - I used to spend 99% of my awake time in my lab, interacting with women, attached men, or socially awkward scientists like me that had ZERO dating experience. The only reason that I went out of this no-date time is that I met (became rooomates with) an extroverted borderline abusive older dude who nearly forced me into dating & sex. I've probably stayed virgin forever if I haven't met him I've never had issues attracting men since then. I've never known a woman who was perpetually single. Like a guy. In my experience, my female friends, acquaintances or co-workers are almost always attached to a husband, boyfriend or girlfriend. Or even if they didn't have any current companionship, there was no shortage of would-be suitors. So much so, that it's hard for me to fathom a woman NOT getting attention from someone--wanted or not. What you say is logical, but because of what I'm always encountering, it seems unbelievable.
Tressugar Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 You've been spared from heartache, drama, false starts, baby mama drama, rationalizing odd behavior, sharing your personal space...etc. The list is endless. Take heart and be blessed in knowing you are one of the sane people in this world. Now I truly know what my parents were trying to keep me from. They were trying to protect me because they love me..
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Attractive/young/socially savvy/"cool" women ... which is not all women. I'm similar to this posted -- 33F, never been in a relationship, neurotypical men (my preference) aren't attracted to me. I assume it's because I'm fat. *shrug* Perhaps there are more men who experience this, but there are also many women suffering silently, not the least because no one believes us, so we stop talking about it. ETA: Thank you to the OP for starting this thread. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one. I hope you manage to find someone, though -- it's not a great thing to have in common! Maybe women just advertise it less or its just true in general
Dark Horse Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 You've been spared from heartache, drama, false starts, baby mama drama, rationalizing odd behavior, sharing your personal space...etc. The list is endless. Take heart and be blessed in knowing you are one of the sane people in this world. Now I truly know what my parents were trying to keep me from. They were trying to protect me because they love me.. It's better to love than to have never experienced love at all. It sucks to be lonely. To really appreciate being single, you have to first know what it's like to not be. I mean as long as you don't do something completely stupid that's going to change your life like get pregnant, then have no regrets. 1
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