33 never had a boyfriend

[kissed]

Hey, I'm new to posting on here but read LS tons. So basically I'm 33 and have never had a boyfriend. This is NOT because I want to be virgin til I get married or whatever, it just never happened. I've been on a couple of first dates but always assume these guys are or want to be just friends and it is not until after that I go 'oooh that was what that was'. Or I get these crushes and spend like a year or two pining after these men. This has not happened too often and in all of these cases I have developed good one on one friendships with these men but none have ever made a move despite hanging out one on one.

 

I guess my not meeting new men is down to a couple of things, I am very private and hate exposing myself to anyone. I definitely have walls up all over the place. Somebody will say 'are you sad you did not get that job' inside I'll be dying but I'll just go 'no, I didn't want it anyway the vibe sucked'. Like nobody knows about my lack of boyfriends. The only person who knows I'm still a virgin is my mom and even she is starting to get confused and has asked me if I'm gay I have a lot of friends (of both sexes) and am great company. People seek me out, like in work I cannot get to the canteen without a ton of people inviting me over to have lunch with them. I'm pretty sure if any of my friends found out they'd be like 'whaaaat?' but on the other hand they may not as I am so not flirty. It's pretty obvious I don't date but I assume they all think I must have lost my virginity back in college. If I don't see somebody for a while I'll kind of hint that I dated someone briefly just because I've built this into something I need to hide and feel I need to fill a gap when the person asks how my love life is. I just don't get it. I'm attractive so why don't men approach me? Recently I joined tinder and got a ton of attention but then I got scared and deleted it. Pity that attention did not happen in real life.

 

I just do not know how to go about meeting somebody. I guess internet dating is the only way.. And how do I make a guy make a move on me?? I'm pretty confident and like I mentioned before have a great social life and a great career but the one thing I cannot seem to do is tell a guy how I feel about him.

 

My second issue is I've been trying to get a male friend of mine (not one of the men I mentioned above this is a platonic friend I have known for a long time before developing feelings) to make a move on me for about a year and nothing. I suspect he's like me, he's super confident but I'm pretty sure still a virgin. He's not super physically attractive but he's a great guy. I got the vibe he really liked me two years ago but I clearly did not do whatever it was I had to do because he has totally pulled away. He barely makes time to see me and I haven't seen him in 6 months even though I have mentioned hanging out in person a couple of times but he avoids it by making excuses, he does still call me all the time though. I'm kind of tempted to just call him and be like 'listen, I like you. Have you thought about us being more than just friends?' I think I would be way to scared to do it though. Anway because he has totally pulled away I'm pretty sure I'm too late.

 

Tips on meeting new guys regardless of what to do with my friend would be great.

[iphone_user1]

Get off Tinder if you are going serious

[Satu]

snip

 

I just do not know how to go about meeting somebody. I guess internet dating is the only way.. And *how do I make a guy make a move on me?? I'm pretty confident and like I mentioned before have a great social life and a great career but the one thing I cannot seem to do is tell a guy how I feel about him.

 

My second issue is **I've been trying to get a male friend of mine (not one of the men I mentioned above this is a platonic friend I have known for a long time before developing feelings) to make a move on me for about a year and nothing. I suspect he's like me, he's super confident but I'm pretty sure still a virgin. He's not super physically attractive but he's a great guy. I got the vibe he really liked me two years ago but I clearly did not do whatever it was I had to do because he has totally pulled away. He barely makes time to see me and I haven't seen him in 6 months even though I have mentioned hanging out in person a couple of times but he avoids it by making excuses, he does still call me all the time though. ***I'm kind of tempted to just call him and be like 'listen, I like you. Have you thought about us being more than just friends?' I think I would be way to scared to do it though. Anway because he has totally pulled away I'm pretty sure I'm too late.

 

Tips on meeting new guys regardless of what to do with my friend would be great.

 

*You don't. If you like somebody, you make a move on them.

 

**He probably isn't a gifted enough telepath. If you don't appear to be interested in that way, people will naturally assume that you're not interested in that way, and Hey Presto, you've friend zoned yourself.

 

***I would do it, but it depends on whether you're OK with taking the risk, or not.

 

 

Try to let people see more of who you really are, and how you really feel.

 

That openness in a person is very appealing.

 

Keeping everything to yourself is safe, but it's also joyless.

 

When you open up more, people will love you, and not just like you.

 

 

Take care.

[salparadise]

I am very private and hate exposing myself to anyone. I definitely have walls up all over the place. Somebody will say 'are you sad you did not get that job' inside I'll be dying but I'll just go 'no, I didn't want it anyway the vibe sucked'.

 

 

I'm guessing it's because of those walls. You need to concentrate on opening up, being vulnerable, authentic, letting the guys inside of your hoola hoop. Therapy or counseling might be in order if this doesn't sound like something you can do via intention alone. These are the basic ingredients of relationships.

[Vado]

Are you a bit boyish? In mean not if it comes to looks, but behaviour? In know a girl like that, she's always one of the guys, watching sportgames with the guys, drinking beer and talking about guy's stuff

[SwordofFlame]

Ask the people in your awesome social circle to set you up with these men you're interested in.

[angel.eyes]

If you want to date and be in relationships, obviously lose the walls. Related to that, be authentic. If people sense you aren't honest and open, they'll keep you at arm's length.

 

Second, flirt. A little light banter, self-deprecating humor, and vulnerability does wonders for anyone's dating life!

 

Third everyone should know you're available and actively looking. Pretending that you are or "might be" seeing someone certainly isn't helping your cause.

 

Finally, you're wasting a ton of time pining after disinterested and thus unavailable men. If you're suggesting you hang out with some guy friend who proceeds to give you six months of excuses why he can't actually hang with you, he's either not interested or unavailable. Trust me, a guy friend who is romantically interested in you and available will be all over any suggestion of yours to spend time together like a cheap polyester leisure suit. He'll make hanging out with you a priority, especially since you're bringing it up. This guy, much like the other guys you're pined over over the years, just ain't. Move on to greener pastures. It will be uber obvious when interest is reciprocated.

[BeholdtheMan]

Hey, I'm new to posting on here but read LS tons. So basically I'm 33 and have never had a boyfriend. This is NOT because I want to be virgin til I get married or whatever, it just never happened.

You could have multipe sex partners who never become ur BF or GF

 

Are you a virgin?

[mortensorchid]

You could have multipe sex partners who never become ur BF or GF

 

Are you a virgin?

 

Yes, are you a virgin? I have known men and women who neither ever had a bf/gf AND were virgins, or they had never had a bf/gf and were not virgins. Even if they only had sex with one or two people in their whole lives, there is a difference.

[Angela3332]

Sign up for online dating. Ask someone out. It's not so much "what to do" to get dates and eventually a boyfriend. It's pretty straightforward. But the problem is your internal issues, which you seem to acknowledge but (I'm assuming) are not doing anything about them.

 

You waited this long and it only gets harder as you get older. Something you need to do immediately is sign up for online dating and go on as many dates as possible. Most are going to suck. It happens to everyone, and I'm not saying that online dating is the best means, but there's a start and probably easier than "waiting for someone to make a move" or to make a move on someone if you're inexperience.

 

I'm a very uptight girl myself and I still get asked out, so I guess the vibe that you're sending out must be seriously pushing men away or something. Perhaps you can ask your male friends. You don't have to be completely honest about being a virgin. Just say you need their help with feedback a on how you appear to men as you're looking to start dating seriously. You may be surprised that one of your male friends may ask you out. Or at least they'll give you useful feedback as they actually know you in person and see how you act around others.

 

Good luck!

[smackie9]

salparadise is on the mark. You should seek out a therapist and work on why you have this mental block for all these years when it comes to trusting guys/intimacy and why you waited so long to even ask for help. I don't think you can go any further here. Professional help is your answer.

[JustGettingBy]

To all those asking if the OP is a virgin, she answered that in her opeing post.

 

Like nobody knows about my lack of boyfriends. The only person who knows I'm still a virgin is my mom and even she is starting to get confused and has asked me if I'm gay

[wesmel06]

Sorry about your situation. 33 is still young enough to turn things around though. You just need to learn to show your interest better.

 

 

-If you make eye contact with a guy you like...smile.

-Laugh at his jokes even if they aren't that funny.

-When your talking to him touch his arm or playfully punch him.

-Do you best to show that you would be receptive to his advances.

-Hint that your not busy this weekend. (So he asks you out)

 

 

It's not always the most attractive women who gets approached. It's those that seem fun, flirty, and open to the possibility of something happening between the two of you. Try not to be so shy and introverted. Take it from me. Men WANT to meet women. It's up to you to help him get you out on a date by making things easier though. Tell him you think he's funny or that he looks great in his outfit. Believe me he'll like it. If he's attracted to you and you say stuff like this he'll ask you out. Trust me.

[kissed]

No this is not a spam post at all! lol. I think my reason for barriers are several. Terrible father for one. He was not abusive but just a completely nasty person and if I'm honest I wonder if it has led to a fear of men. Second a general lack of openess. I'm one of those people who has lots of 'good' friends but only family have gotten to the core of me. I find most of my friends drift, perhaps I am not giving them enough of myself. I can see how a lot of my friendships are one sided and I guess they just get tired of it. I'll maybe initiate with friends every third or fourth time. And I'm completely ok with not seeing my 'best' friends for 6 months which even I acknowledge is little strange. If I'm honest despite my confident exterior I am just so scared of rejection that even if a guy lays it out for me I will automaticaly tell myself, he does not view you in a romantic light, he just wants to be your friend. And then I guess I act accordingly. It's like the the only thing I will believe is the guy going 'let's go for a coffee and not as friends, this is a romantic invitation'. Guy saying 'do you want to get a coffee' for me translates as 'let's get a coffee as friends so I can ask your advice about how to get with women.' Finally, I used to be really overweight. I'm not now and I am pretty good looking, but again when I catch guys looking at me I immediately think oh they're checking out my squishy stomach or whatever and I can't figure that maybe they aren't looking critically but appreciatively. Yeah, I know therapy is the answer, but I know this sounds lame but it is pretty expensive. I bought my first home and a car to get to work and the payments are killing me

[No_Go]

It's like the the only thing I will believe is the guy going 'let's go for a coffee and not as friends, this is a romantic invitation'. - That's actually what you need, a pushy guy.

 

I was 27 - never ever kissed a guy or even fanthomed a 'real' date. Back then working on my thesis pretty much 24/7, with similar social situation like you (many friends, but seeing them VERY infrequently - I'd never initiate, and also there we geographical barriers), and coming from a freaky family where no relationships were 'normal', abuse was the 'norm'.

 

So back then I met a guy who was older (46) and SOOO pushy that I couldn't say no (well, we happened to be housemates, so I really couldn't find a way not to see him. So within a week of meeting him my virginity was a memory... Sounds creepy, but thinking back - I'm glad that I got over it that way.

 

Then I started with OLD - I think that it is super easy to get dates that way, and at least in my experience - finding a BF on OLD takes a week at max (out of 10 guys I met, I dated one 6 months, my current one 15 months and counting, and there were another 3 VERY willing to have a relationship).

 

So my advice based on personal experience:

1) find an extroverted / pushy guy to get over with your lack of experience

2) do OLD

3) don't emphasize your virginity etc - they don't have to know (unless you want to), and can use it to manipulate you ('I'm your first - you "MUST' love me' etc)

 

No this is not a spam post at all! lol. I think my reason for barriers are several. Terrible father for one. He was not abusive but just a completely nasty person and if I'm honest I wonder if it has led to a fear of men. Second a general lack of openess. I'm one of those people who has lots of 'good' friends but only family have gotten to the core of me. I find most of my friends drift, perhaps I am not giving them enough of myself. I can see how a lot of my friendships are one sided and I guess they just get tired of it. I'll maybe initiate with friends every third or fourth time. And I'm completely ok with not seeing my 'best' friends for 6 months which even I acknowledge is little strange. If I'm honest despite my confident exterior I am just so scared of rejection that even if a guy lays it out for me I will automaticaly tell myself, he does not view you in a romantic light, he just wants to be your friend. And then I guess I act accordingly. It's like the the only thing I will believe is the guy going 'let's go for a coffee and not as friends, this is a romantic invitation'. Guy saying 'do you want to get a coffee' for me translates as 'let's get a coffee as friends so I can ask your advice about how to get with women.' Finally, I used to be really overweight. I'm not now and I am pretty good looking, but again when I catch guys looking at me I immediately think oh they're checking out my squishy stomach or whatever and I can't figure that maybe they aren't looking critically but appreciatively. Yeah, I know therapy is the answer, but I know this sounds lame but it is pretty expensive. I bought my first home and a car to get to work and the payments are killing me

[SugarLips72]

Right now you are undateable. You sound like my sister who is 44 and totally undateable and has never had a serious relationship. Her issues are many and varied and she is older than you so fix t his now before its too late, and you wind up a lonely crazy cat lady.

 

 

You are in introvert. Get out more and start talking to people. Go to a bar by yourself, have a seat and just start talking to the people around you. Throw out some friendly banter. Smile at people. You may have resting bitch face all the time and not even know it.

 

 

Guys like women who are friendly, a little flirty, and self confident. Stop worrying about your belly. I am a few lbs overweight I have had 2 kids. I have love handles and a butt but I think I am sexy and guys flirt with me all the time. If a guy talks to you, esp if he initiates it, then he wants to talk and is interested in getting to know you. Stop worrying about everything else. Put on some makeup and some spanx (its awesome too suck in the fat lol) and start talking to guys.

 

 

Do not share you are a virgin. Most guys find that weird even I do. They don't need to know.

 

 

Good luck

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

No this is not a spam post at all! lol. I think my reason for barriers are several. Terrible father for one. He was not abusive but just a completely nasty person and if I'm honest I wonder if it has led to a fear of men. Second a general lack of openess. I'm one of those people who has lots of 'good' friends but only family have gotten to the core of me. I find most of my friends drift, perhaps I am not giving them enough of myself. I can see how a lot of my friendships are one sided and I guess they just get tired of it. I'll maybe initiate with friends every third or fourth time. And I'm completely ok with not seeing my 'best' friends for 6 months which even I acknowledge is little strange. If I'm honest despite my confident exterior I am just so scared of rejection that even if a guy lays it out for me I will automaticaly tell myself, he does not view you in a romantic light, he just wants to be your friend. And then I guess I act accordingly. It's like the the only thing I will believe is the guy going 'let's go for a coffee and not as friends, this is a romantic invitation'. Guy saying 'do you want to get a coffee' for me translates as 'let's get a coffee as friends so I can ask your advice about how to get with women.' Finally, I used to be really overweight. I'm not now and I am pretty good looking, but again when I catch guys looking at me I immediately think oh they're checking out my squishy stomach or whatever and I can't figure that maybe they aren't looking critically but appreciatively. Yeah, I know therapy is the answer, but I know this sounds lame but it is pretty expensive. I bought my first home and a car to get to work and the payments are killing me

 

Yeah I just said that because people being a late starter or being single this long tends to happen to men more than women

[ThreeRainbows]

Hey. You sound a lot like me. I'm not a virgin, but I have only dated/slept with one guy - I'm 31.

 

Have you considered whether you might be an aspie (Asperger's syndrome). That's been the biggest and most FREEING revelation of my whole life. Didn't realize til I hit my thirties.. but oh, how it makes so much sense now.

 

You don't have to feel bad about not having ever dated or being a virgin! Please don't lie about it, there is nothing wrong with you. I dare say it's a beautiful and unique thing about yourself. The right man will appreciate that about you, and be willing to go at your pace.

 

Edit: I wanted to add one more thing about your friend. I would tell him straight up that you like him romantically. You may or may not hear the answer you want to hear, but facing that rejection WILL BE PRICELESS. I promise you. It's gold. I did this once.. it's like, when you face your greatest fears, you break through them. It may be very painful at first if you get rejected. However, the sting of rejection will be lessened forever, and that will help you in all future relationships.

Edited June 5, 2016 by ThreeRainbows

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Hey. You sound a lot like me. I'm not a virgin, but I have only dated/slept with one guy - I'm 31.

 

Have you considered whether you might be an aspie (Asperger's syndrome). That's been the biggest and most FREEING revelation of my whole life. Didn't realize til I hit my thirties.. but oh, how it makes so much sense now.

 

You don't have to feel bad about not having ever dated or being a virgin! Please don't lie about it, there is nothing wrong with you. I dare say it's a beautiful and unique thing about yourself. The right man will appreciate that about you, and be willing to go at your pace.

 

Edit: I wanted to add one more thing about your friend. I would tell him straight up that you like him romantically. You may or may not hear the answer you want to hear, but facing that rejection WILL BE PRICELESS. I promise you. It's gold. I did this once.. it's like, when you face your greatest fears, you break through them. It may be very painful at first if you get rejected. However, the sting of rejection will be lessened forever, and that will help you in all future relationships.

 

I have Aspergers as well too

[Offspring]

I was recently 'interested' in a shy girl. Thing is, she never let me near, in any way. I tried saying hello, tried being patient, but nothing.

 

Anyway, brings me to the point: if you're interested, you need to put yourself forward. Say hi, ask how their day is, do something.. people aren't mind readers. They may think you're not interested, or are content with your life and don't need anyone. Leave no room for asumption, make your intentions clear, or else you'll be stuck there forever.

[Els]

Has most of your flirty contact with men been restricted to internet dating, since you perceive it to be the 'only way'? Do you have hobbies/social groups that would lead to you meeting guys IRL?

 

That being said, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, or with being single. At any age. But if you are unhappy about not having a partner then getting out and meeting more people is likely to be your best shot. Everything else is down to preference, no point changing who you are to attract someone.

[kissed]

My first preference would be to meet a guy IRL but I just don't meet a ton of guys. I've got guy work buddies (all taken but totally light up when they see me blah blah) I'll walk past my bosses office and he'll call me in for some excuse and then keep me talking about everything personal etc. I'll walk to the cafeteria and almost every guy I walk past will be like 'hey, how's it going?' and try and get me in conversation. My team are always kidding that I know guys all over the place. I've got a couple of hobbies but all are female dominated. Where do people meet these guys? I know from the guy friends I do have that they do not a lot. They kinda go to a bar, drink beer, watch sports, a couple play sport, work, eat and that's it. I think my main issue is I just don't come accross as flirty. I'm too confident if that makes sense. One of my female friends told me that she can see how a guy might be intimidated by as I'm too together and don't need a guy. Whatever that means. But I just don't know how to change it. How do I become more flirty and vulnerable when that is just not me.

[ChickiePops]

My first preference would be to meet a guy IRL but I just don't meet a ton of guys. I've got guy work buddies (all taken but totally light up when they see me blah blah) I'll walk past my bosses office and he'll call me in for some excuse and then keep me talking about everything personal etc. I'll walk to the cafeteria and almost every guy I walk past will be like 'hey, how's it going?' and try and get me in conversation. My team are always kidding that I know guys all over the place. I've got a couple of hobbies but all are female dominated. Where do people meet these guys? I know from the guy friends I do have that they do not a lot. They kinda go to a bar, drink beer, watch sports, a couple play sport, work, eat and that's it. I think my main issue is I just don't come accross as flirty. I'm too confident if that makes sense. One of my female friends told me that she can see how a guy might be intimidated by as I'm too together and don't need a guy. Whatever that means. But I just don't know how to change it. How do I become more flirty and vulnerable when that is just not me.

 

Ohhhhhhhh can I please advise you NOT to screw with your boss? BAD idea, very very bad...

[ThreeRainbows]

My first preference would be to meet a guy IRL but I just don't meet a ton of guys. I've got guy work buddies (all taken but totally light up when they see me blah blah) I'll walk past my bosses office and he'll call me in for some excuse and then keep me talking about everything personal etc. I'll walk to the cafeteria and almost every guy I walk past will be like 'hey, how's it going?' and try and get me in conversation. My team are always kidding that I know guys all over the place. I've got a couple of hobbies but all are female dominated. Where do people meet these guys? I know from the guy friends I do have that they do not a lot. They kinda go to a bar, drink beer, watch sports, a couple play sport, work, eat and that's it. I think my main issue is I just don't come accross as flirty. I'm too confident if that makes sense. One of my female friends told me that she can see how a guy might be intimidated by as I'm too together and don't need a guy. Whatever that means. But I just don't know how to change it. How do I become more flirty and vulnerable when that is just not me.

 

I don't know about being flirty, outside of practicing banter with friends, but I can tell you what I've learned about vulnerability (as someone who is learning this too).

 

The key is the truth. Always be honest with yourself and any guys you're interested in. Sounds a lot easier than it is, because many times we lie to ourselves, about our feelings and motivations, and we aren't aware of it.

 

The other week a guy gave me his number. Before we parted ways, I told him not to expect a call. He asked me why. Instead of what I would normally do ("Oh, I'm busy, you know.."), I told him the truth. "I'm not really a phone person, and ...I'm shy." That was really scary for me to tell him, because I'm shy about being shy, but the way I saw it - if I didn't tell him, he'd feel like he wasn't attractive enough for me. But, that's far from the truth! So I did it because I didn't want my insecurity to make him feel bad. Lo and behold ...He contacted me again.

 

What it sounds like to me is that you may be a little scared of getting past the acquaintance/friend stage with guys, and flirting. I am too. Terrified. Flirting is scary, because rejection is scary. Heck.. Love is scary. This fear comes across to people on a subconscious level.

 

The key is not necessarily changing yourself into a flirty person (you can be beautiful and attractive, and not flirtatious). Rather, allow yourself to feel your emotions in front of others, and catch yourself when you're running away from them (by making excuses, etc). It is not unattractive to feel emotions strongly. But acting out of emotions can be unattractive, if the actions are perceived as our means to escape the scary emotions.

 

Let people see your emotions. Stand there and feel scared for as long as you can take it. Feel rejected sometimes. Feel sad. Whatever is naturally happening to you. Feel it, and let people see you feel it. Just be honest. This is vulnerability, and it will make you attractive.

Edited June 8, 2016 by ThreeRainbows

[MGX]

No offense and don't take this the wrong way but this is not a spam post is it? Because generally something like happens to men more than women, as in being single or being a virgin this long

 

I agree but am not surprised that there are more women who are older, single and virgins. There are LOTS of single women out there...

 

The reason why this is surprising is because most women who OLD get hundreds of responses a day. Not to mention that women ALWAYS seem to have choices, whether it be real life or online. The men come to them.