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This must mean I am not THAT repulsive right?

HansonGirl

By HansonGirl
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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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I realized that I have a pretty big insecurity that is holding me back in dating. A few years ago, I went out with someone a couple times, who I knew from around but we were not friends. On the last time, we fooled around. But he rejected me almost immediately after that. I felt so insecure like maybe i had horrendous breath or maybe i smelled foul or something like that. or just didn't know what I was doing so that it was actually UNenjoyable for him. Based on the swiftness of his rejection - i cant say i've ever had anybody reject me THAT fast. he gave me the "let's be friends" line - and I had assumed it was meaningless, just what people say. However to my surprise that was not the last time I saw that guy. He didn't exactly act like a good friend or anything but he definitely wanted to hang around me and stuff. however my insecurities put an end to that. i felt really strange about the whole thing.

 

anyways, so i am just now realizing the lasting effect this has had on me. I refuse to let anybody 'down there' afraid maybe i stink and i'm scared to date and really get invested or interested because I am convinced i'm going to get blind-sided again. anyways but now that i'm away from the situation - i certainly wouldn't have made any effort to be "friends" with someone who repulsed me or who i could care less about. i mean i'd just say that and move on with my life. i'd probably want to stay away from them as much as possible. Another possibility is that he just felt guilty and thats why he wanted to be friends. But i had told him it's ok, we don't have to be friends - and i don't see how he could be so remorseful- like he wouldn't have done it so abruptly in the first place if he was, he'd have done it in a much nicer way, i would think!!

anyways i just would like to put a positive spin on this... if possible. it is not benefiting me thinking i am disgusting and unattractive or scared that this will happen again, and that if it does, I should have expected it!

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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There's a good possibility he had a GF or a long distance relationship, and thought better than to cheat at the last min before things went too far.

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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There's a good possibility he had a GF or a long distance relationship, and thought better than to cheat at the last min before things went too far.

 

haha, well i asked him if he cheated on someone and he said no

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contel3 Established Member

contel3

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You're totally over-thinking this. Did he ever tell you that you stink?

Have you ever considered he might just not feel comfortable sleeping with someone he doesn't have any feelings for?

 

Just because he's a guy doesn't mean he has to sleep with everyone (or enjoy sleeping with everyone).

 

Don't take it personally.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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You need to take a fresh look at yourself, and not just refer to that experience.

 

 

What do you think of yourself?

 

Do you like yourself?

 

Do you consider yourself to be a 'good' person?

 

Are you kind to the people around you?

 

Do you have good grooming habits?

 

Do you take care of your health?

 

Are you a fun-lover?

 

Do you like a good laugh?

 

 

If you can answer yes to most of those, you're not repulsive, you're attractive.

 

 

Get used to it.

 

 

Take care.

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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You're totally over-thinking this. Did he ever tell you that you stink?

Have you ever considered he might just not feel comfortable sleeping with someone he doesn't have any feelings for?

 

Just because he's a guy doesn't mean he has to sleep with everyone (or enjoy sleeping with everyone).

 

Don't take it personally.

 

 

WAIT - everybody is misconstruing my question - I am not wondering why he didn't SLEEP with me - He DID sleep with me!!! i just said fooled around because i didn't want everybody here to call me a sIut or say, "simple, he got what he wanted, end of story" because i wanted the focus of my question to be on the fact that he still wanted to be FRIENDS with me after we hookedup. well that cat is out of the bag now.

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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You need to take a fresh look at yourself, and not just refer to that experience.

 

 

What do you think of yourself?

 

Do you like yourself?

 

Do you consider yourself to be a 'good' person?

 

Are you kind to the people around you?

 

Do you have good grooming habits?

 

Do you take care of your health?

 

Are you a fun-lover?

 

Do you like a good laugh?

 

 

If you can answer yes to most of those, you're not repulsive, you're attractive.

 

 

Get used to it.

 

 

Take care.

 

I just never had anybody "dump" me so quickly after we hookedup before....but then want to be friends afterwards. the whole thing confused me and i never fully recovered. i really took it hard. i actually wish i could have hung out with him and had some fun times with him but I just felt so hurt and embarrassed at the time. I felt like i was rejected becase I grossed him out.

 

I just assume it had something off-putting about my naked body that caused this. what else could it be?!?!

Edited by HansonGirl
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Satu Established Member

Satu

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WAIT - everybody is misconstruing my question - I am not wondering why he didn't SLEEP with me - He DID sleep with me!!! i just said fooled around because i didn't want everybody here to call me a sIut or say, "simple, he got what he wanted, end of story" because i wanted the focus of my question to be on the fact that he still wanted to be FRIENDS with me after we hookedup. well that cat is out of the bag now.

 

Peoples behaviour tells you more about them than it tells you about you.

 

For some reason, in that situation, it didn't feel right to him to go further.

 

Maybe he's not comfortable with intimacy.

 

Maybe he has feelings of inadequacy.

 

Maybe he had feelings for somebody else.

 

 

Who knows? It could be anything...

 

 

But:

 

 

If he still wanted some ongoing contact with you, at the very least he likes you, and isn't repulsed by you.

 

 

You need to put this experience behind you.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I just never had anybody "dump" me so quickly after we hookedup before....but then want to be friends afterwards. the whole thing confused me and i never fully recovered. i really took it hard. i actually wish i could have hung out with him and had some fun times with him but I just felt so hurt and embarrassed at the time. I felt like i was rejected becase I grossed him out.

 

If you think you "grossed him out" due to your smell "down there" ....then get yourself to a doctor and make sure you don't have some sort of infection or something causing foul odor.

 

If you do, the doctor will give you a prescription to clear it up....

 

Assuming you don't .... work on trying to determine why your brain automatically went there.

 

To that place where you think you are repulsive.

 

Many men immediately bolt after sex.. Many of them have issues with intimacy and/or commitment.

 

They immediately bolt on every woman after sex.

 

It has nothing to do with YOU.

 

Stop taking everything so personally.

 

Not everything is about you.

 

People have issues.....kay?

 

Good luck hun.... :)

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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If you think you "grossed him out" due to your smell "down there" ....then get yourself to a doctor and make sure you don't have some sort of infection or something causing foul odor.

 

If you do, the doctor will give you a prescription to clear it up....

 

Assuming you don't .... work on trying to determine why your brain automatically went there.

 

To that place where you think you are repulsive.

 

Many men immediately bolt after sex.. Many of them have issues with intimacy and/or commitment.

 

They immediately bolt on every woman after sex.

 

It has nothing to do with YOU.

 

Stop taking everything so personally.

 

Not everything is about you.

 

People have issues.....kay?

 

Good luck hun.... :)

 

thank you.

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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maybe I was just REALLY BAD in bed???

 

it's not like he was going to TELL me if that's the reason.

 

but I still don't get why he wanted to be friends so bad if i was bad in bed.

 

i'm sorry i just can't see how this isn't about me - it has to be about me... i mean there was some other girl he hookedup with every now and then and they never were in a relationship either. He wanted to sleep with her again, clearly, but not me.

 

maybe he only was trying to be friends with me out of pity?

 

i know i should be "over" this but this has been a mystery to me and i never figured it out.

Jabron1 Established Member

Jabron1

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Everybody is going to meet at least one person that gets the better of us at one point or another.

 

It even happened to me a couple of times. And I'm the greatest.

 

When I enter a room (or a thread ;)), all of the commoners raise their grubby little hands in the air and say to themselves "this is what a man looks like. What a hero - like Mandela or something". Little do they know that I've been played before like the common fool!

 

If it happened to me, it can certainly happen to you.

 

Learn from it, and grow.

 

Don't live in the past.

 

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ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

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Or maybe he was just a d-bag who was looking for a one night stand..been there!!. It could have nothing to do with you. :)

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Had the two of you been drinking at all? If so, have you ever experienced that thing where you find a friend sexually attractive for the period when you were tipsy..and then when you're sober you see them as a regular friend again? It could well be this.

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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Had the two of you been drinking at all? If so, have you ever experienced that thing where you find a friend sexually attractive for the period when you were tipsy..and then when you're sober you see them as a regular friend again? It could well be this.

 

that would make sense had we been friends prior to this. the way he was really pushing for us to suddenly forge this "friendship" after the fact was just odd to me. I told him it's fine, no hard feelings (even though i was stunned, wondering what I did to repulse him, as you can see...i just wanted to move on, you know?), yet he insisted, and for months kept wanting to be friends or whatever.

Cinnamonstix Established Member

Cinnamonstix

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that would make sense had we been friends prior to this. the way he was really pushing for us to suddenly forge this "friendship" after the fact was just odd to me. I told him it's fine, no hard feelings (even though i was stunned, wondering what I did to repulse him, as you can see...i just wanted to move on, you know?), yet he insisted, and for months kept wanting to be friends or whatever.

 

You are telling yourself that you repulsed him, but there is no evidence of this. And if there is (in your mind) other than the fact that he didn't want a repeat performance, perhaps you can share with us.

 

But more than likely, you two are just not a match. And that's ok! Not everyone is going to like you. Prior experience tells you that other people do enjoy sleeping with you, as this is the first time this has happened to you. Focus on the people that you like who like you back.

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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You are telling yourself that you repulsed him, but there is no evidence of this. And if there is (in your mind) other than the fact that he didn't want a repeat performance, perhaps you can share with us.

 

But more than likely, you two are just not a match. And that's ok! Not everyone is going to like you. Prior experience tells you that other people do enjoy sleeping with you, as this is the first time this has happened to you. Focus on the people that you like who like you back.

 

Ok, let me be more clear - i am not saying "why wasn't he into me?" I am asking, if he was interested in me - whether it be because he was repulsed or something else - why the heII did he want to be friends so badly? Like, seriously, he practically wouldn't leave me alone. The only reason he finally did is because I was really mean to him and unfriendly - because I was so self-conscious and embarrassed and hurt by his rejection.

 

but when i hook up with somebody and I am not interested - i could care less if we're friends. I don't keep at it persistently. And I am not suggesting maybe he did like me- not at all - i was just really perplexed by this and still am. I've dated other guys since this happened, and if we weren't interested, neither of us tried the friends charade. And at the same time, with none of those men did either of us reject the person immediately in the same manner.

 

I guess i have to admit i felt guilty for how i acted. Perhaps i want to believe he was repulsed by me, so i can not feel so guilty? but i really not to get past this... I didn't think i'd still be thinking about this! :-(

Edited by HansonGirl
trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

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I realized that I have a pretty big insecurity that is holding me back in dating.

 

Could that be the problem?

Cinnamonstix Established Member

Cinnamonstix

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Ok, let me be more clear - i am not saying "why wasn't he into me?" I am asking, if he was interested in me - whether it be because he was repulsed or something else - why the heII did he want to be friends so badly? Like, seriously, he practically wouldn't leave me alone. The only reason he finally did is because I was really mean to him and unfriendly - because I was so self-conscious and embarrassed and hurt by his rejection.

 

but when i hook up with somebody and I am not interested - i could care less if we're friends. I don't keep at it persistently. And I am not suggesting maybe he did like me- not at all - i was just really perplexed by this and still am. I've dated other guys since this happened, and if we weren't interested, neither of us tried the friends charade. And at the same time, with none of those men did either of us reject the person immediately in the same manner.

 

I guess i have to admit i felt guilty for how i acted. Perhaps i want to believe he was repulsed by me, so i can not feel so guilty? but i really not to get past this... I didn't think i'd still be thinking about this! :-(

 

It sounds like he may have felt guilty and that is why he pushed so badly to be friends - to relieve his guilt for hurting you.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Ok, let me be more clear - i am not saying "why wasn't he into me?" I am asking, if he was interested in me - whether it be because he was repulsed or something else - why the heII did he want to be friends so badly? Like, seriously, he practically wouldn't leave me alone. The only reason he finally did is because I was really mean to him and unfriendly - because I was so self-conscious and embarrassed and hurt by his rejection.

 

but when i hook up with somebody and I am not interested - i could care less if we're friends. I don't keep at it persistently. And I am not suggesting maybe he did like me- not at all - i was just really perplexed by this and still am. I've dated other guys since this happened, and if we weren't interested, neither of us tried the friends charade. And at the same time, with none of those men did either of us reject the person immediately in the same manner.

 

I guess i have to admit i felt guilty for how i acted. Perhaps i want to believe he was repulsed by me, so i can not feel so guilty? but i really not to get past this... I didn't think i'd still be thinking about this! :-(

 

You say that you want to get past this.

 

But let's first ask the question "Why are you spending time trying to figure out why he pushed a friendship?". Thing is, his behaviour isn't that odd.

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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Why did you mind automatically wonder if you smell down there???

 

I would think that would be pretty obvious (to you too) if that was the case

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HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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Why did you mind automatically wonder if you smell down there???

 

I would think that would be pretty obvious (to you too) if that was the case

 

frankly i don't really think i smell particularly bad down there - at least i've never had any complaints and my boyfriend prior to this LOVED it down there (lol) but i think my confidence was really shattered by how quickly he said he just wanted to be friends. it's like, something REALLY must have turned him off to cause him to act that way so quickly. I just listed that as one possible thing. Is a woman ever really comfortable with their smell? i mean it doesn't exactly smell like roses! it does have a unique smell - you know what i mean? and if there was a problem, i don't think someone is going to just blurt that out. maybe I just was so bad (skills-wise).

 

 

--- I guess i've never truly been confident about my attractiveness / looks / sex life even before this, and this experience just didn't help my already shaky confidence in that area. It really made me wonder if I was loveable etc or if anybody would ever take me seriously. it just seemed particularly harsh - so I never fully trusted this guy and his intentions with this whole "friendship" thing. Maybe it isn't that harsh to other people but it felt like it to me. and there were other things going on in my life at the time that made me lack confidence - i wasn't performing well in graduate school and I was really struggling. then this happened.

Edited by HansonGirl
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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frankly i don't really think i smell particularly bad down there - at least i've never had any complaints and my boyfriend prior to this LOVED it down there (lol) but i think my confidence was really shattered by how quickly he said he just wanted to be friends. it's like, something REALLY must have turned him off to cause him to act that way so quickly. I just listed that as one possible thing. Is a woman ever really comfortable with their smell? i mean it doesn't exactly smell like roses! it does have a unique smell - you know what i mean? and if there was a problem, i don't think someone is going to just blurt that out. maybe I just was so bad (skills-wise).

 

No what it sounds like to me is that while yes he wants to be friends, he actually wants a "friends with benefits" situation.

 

Sex with no relationship/commitment. Which is why he is pushing so hard, he wants more sex! Without the relationship....

 

Which indicates he enjoyed the sex but again doesn't want a relationship .....which also explains why he bolted.

 

Guys who just had sex with a chick but don't want a relationship and thinks she does will bolt after sex.

 

If he established a FWB situation with you, he won't freak out and bolt after sex. Because there is no expectation of a relationship afterwards ...

 

Ever consider that?

 

It makes the most sense imo.

Edited by katiegrl
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
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frankly i don't really think i smell particularly bad down there - at least i've never had any complaints and my boyfriend prior to this LOVED it down there (lol) but i think my confidence was really shattered by how quickly he said he just wanted to be friends. it's like, something REALLY must have turned him off to cause him to act that way so quickly. I just listed that as one possible thing. Is a woman ever really comfortable with their smell? i mean it doesn't exactly smell like roses! it does have a unique smell - you know what i mean? and if there was a problem, i don't think someone is going to just blurt that out. maybe I just was so bad (skills-wise).

 

 

--- I guess i've never truly been confident about my attractiveness / looks / sex life even before this, and this experience just didn't help my already shaky confidence in that area. It really made me wonder if I was loveable etc or if anybody would ever take me seriously. it just seemed particularly harsh - so I never fully trusted this guy and his intentions with this whole "friendship" thing. Maybe it isn't that harsh to other people but it felt like it to me. and there were other things going on in my life at the time that made me lack confidence - i wasn't performing well in graduate school and I was really struggling. then this happened.

 

Hun, he probably just used you for sex...thats it...end of story...no need to read into things so much

 

Why are you allowing him/this situtation to tear down your self esteem???

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Hun, he probably just used you for sex...thats it...end of story...no need to read into things so much

 

Why are you allowing him/this situtation to tear down your self esteem???

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

 

And perhaps he didn't 'use' you per se. It could have been that the two of you just felt like it was a good idea at the time.

 

It's so sad that you have made this into far more than it ever should have been and are tearing yourself down with it.

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