Thatsheblows Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 My gf and I have been dating for five months. For the first couple months everything was amazing. Then around month 3-4 she started to back off a bit in terms of her expressiveness and affection. I’m the laid back type in terms of moving forward in a relationship, so I always let her make the first moves (suggesting going on vacations, using the term “gf” being exclusive etc) cause I also know she wanted to take it slow, and there pretty much wasn’t one time were I was the one to initiate any kind of “big talk” about where things were going. However, within the last month it seemed more and more like she was “settling” for me in terms of how she viewed her previous ex (the love of her life) and how she was treating me. I brought this up and she started talking about how she doesn’t think it’s possible to be with someone she’s super in love with and that would still treat her well (her ex was a total bi*& to her) and that she knows she has issues with being with emotionally unavailable partners and for right now she really wants to be with someone that treats her well, and she likes that I’m nice and stable and we still have a lot of fun together. She believes that most people that get married or stay together long term aren’t probably still in love but they do so out of familiarity and commitment instead of still being in love. She also said she doesn’t think love and relationships and connections are so black and white, and that you can build love through shared experiences over time. I basically said that if all that is the case and she’s just with me cause I’m “safe”, then she shouldn’t settle for me, that I’m sure she can find someone she’s crazy about that would still treat her well. She disagreed and says she’s happy with me and the way things were going even though she wasn’t crazy about me (she said all this in a nice and gentle way, but it was really clear that’s what she was saying). She said I had “overly romantic notions” because I said I didn’t think it was crazy to be in love with someone that you want to be with long term or marry. She’s been having a lot of problems at work lately, and I’ve always been there for her, so the other night, we were having an honest chat (we talk about a lot of different things, it’s great) and I asked her if she thought that I had more to offer her in the relationship other than just being nice and supportive. She pretty much refused to answer cause she said it’s a sensitive subject for me cause we’ve talked about it before and she didn’t want to get into it now. The thing is, I saw how passionate and loving she can be in the beginning, so I know it’s not that she can’t be that way, she’s just no longer that way with me. I know she was also super in love with her ex, so I don’t know if she doesn’t feel something for me because she’s not over her ex, or I just don’t do it for her. I also think 5 months isn’t really that long, so maybe she’ll change her mind? I told her I loved her the other night, and she said it back, but I think she meant more as a companion than being in love with me, though I didn’t ask. She’s super physically attractive (everyone comments on how pretty she is) has a successful career, great apartment, funny, kind, smart ect so it’s not that she couldn’t find someone else, she easily could and we both know it, and we still have good sex and get along really well, she still makes the initiative to spend time with me, so I’m not sure why she’d even stick around in a situation where she’s not in love with me just cause I’m nice. That’s why I keep thinking that maybe if I just give her more time she could grow to love me, even though I know the odds of that usually happening are rare if it hasn’t happened in 5 months. I don’t really want to be someone that someone else is just settling for, and ideally the person I’m with would love me back to the same degree, but as she’s not breaking up with me, and I do love her and nothing in the relationship is actually “wrong,” so I guess I just need perspective about why staying with her is a bad idea. Even though I’m in pain cause she doesn’t love me back, I’m not quite sure if I’m at the threshold yet where the pain of being without her would be more. TLDR: My girlfriend is settling for me but I love her so it's hard to break up. 1
smackie9 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 The longer you stay, the more painful it will be. Breaking up now will be like pulling off a band-aid quickly. You will get over it soon enough. 4
Satu Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 To be honest, you come across as being very passive. I don't find that at all attractive in a man. You might be kind and sensitive, but if you only respond, you're not injecting any energy into the relationship. In terms of Yin and Yang, you're too Yin. Yang leads, Yin follows. You're a follower. You need some fire in you; some Yang. It would drive me crazy to be with you, but I wish you well. Take care. 1
Blanco Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 She’s super physically attractive (everyone comments on how pretty she is) has a successful career, great apartment, funny, kind, smart ect so it’s not that she couldn’t find someone else, she easily could and we both know it, and we still have good sex and get along really well, she still makes the initiative to spend time with me, so I’m not sure why she’d even stick around in a situation where she’s not in love with me just cause I’m nice. That’s why I keep thinking that maybe if I just give her more time she could grow to love me, even though I know the odds of that usually happening are rare if it hasn’t happened in 5 months. Don't let these things keep you in a relationship where you aren't really valued and your existence is based more on convenience than anything else. I've been in a relationship like this and trust me, it doesn't get better with more time and effort on your part. My ex was/is a good person, but her ex (the father of her children) held a place in her heart that I don't think anyone else will be able to attain. I recall many months before we finally split that she basically conceded that my only advantages over her ex (to her, anyway) was that I was more stable, emotionally and financially. Thanks! Despite all this, she was not the one to end it. See, people like this are going to keep you hanging around until either you leave or they find someone better. Not long after my ex told me the above, she was looking for houses and planned for me to move with her and her children (we were already apartment living together). In short, she was OK letting me help her raise her children and pay on a lease (and eventually, a mortgage), even though I was at that point, a distant second to someone she had previously had. That's why the onus to take action is on you. She will be passive and probably let a live together unfold, even if she's not really all that crazy about it. You'll feel unfulfilled, because building a life with someone who's lukewarm on you feels awful. 3
Author Thatsheblows Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 To be honest, you come across as being very passive. I don't find that at all attractive in a man. You might be kind and sensitive, but if you only respond, you're not injecting any energy into the relationship. In terms of Yin and Yang, you're too Yin. Yang leads, Yin follows. You're a follower. You need some fire in you; some Yang. It would drive me crazy to be with you, but I wish you well. Take care. Well, I'm not a man, so it probably would drive you crazy to be with me We're both women, and the only reason I didn't take any initiative on those topics was that she was clear she wanted to take things slow, and I was totally ok with the relationship unfurling at it's natural pace. If she hadn't asked first, I would have eventually, but I was just comfortable with where we were at first. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 It's not quite clear from your post how you know she's settling, unless that's what you think she's doing? 1
Satu Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Well, I'm not a man, so it probably would drive you crazy to be with me We're both women, and the only reason I didn't take any initiative on those topics was that she was clear she wanted to take things slow, and I was totally ok with the relationship unfurling at it's natural pace. If she hadn't asked first, I would have eventually, but I was just comfortable with where we were at first. Ha Ha - what a blunder on my part! Sorry. But my point about Yin and Yang, and passivity, still holds water. You still need some fire in your blood. You still need to initiate more, and not just respond. Take care. 1
katiegrl Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 (edited) OP, it sounds like she does not know what love is. She is confusing it with *longing* which is a very powerful emotion but NOT love. With her emotionally unavailable bfs, she was always on edge, waiting for the good stuff (his attention)..... This kept her in a perpetual state of longing and infatuation. Lots of passion and high drama, which is NOT love. Problem is she thinks it is! How old is she? She sounds immature and unenlightened. IMO it does sound like she loves you. Doesn't realize it cuz she is so familiar with longing for a man, pining for him, waiting for his attention and all that drama.....she just doesn't get it.... Break up with her, let her start *longing* for you, and trust me guarantee she will begin to realize how much she does love you. Happens ALL the time. Typically with men, but women too. It is how that old saying *don't appreciate what we have, till it's gone" came to be. Edited May 30, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Cinnamonstix Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 I think you can start a fire in her heart if you stop playing so nice and passive. People who are attracted to emotionally unavailable people are attracted to those that don't need them to be happy. Desperation is the ultimate turn off which can also come in the form of settling for less (as you would be doing because she is not crazy in love with you as you desire your partner to be). I'm not suggesting being mean, but rather up your dominant, focused energy and seeing where that takes you. Try focusing on something else for a bit. It's very attractive to see someone passionate about something. This might create a more healthy version of being "emotionally unavailable." You're still emotionally available but your attention isn't always available because you are really engaged in other things. And if all else fails, walk away because YOU don't want to settle for less than bring crazy in love, both ways. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Maybe I'm the one reading this totally the wrong way but I just kind of read the OP as a sign of her GF actually maturing rather than the other way round? As in, she has finally come to grips with the idea that falling 'crazy in love' is not what it's all cracked up to be and she is now ready for something a bit more real and substantial, and she's trying to find her feet in this new paradigm? I mean she's right, you do build love through shared moments over time, not through initial fireworks. I get that that's making a you a little insecure though, OP - whether you both feel you are compatible enough to build that kind of love together is up to you both to work on. 3
SwordofFlame Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Is it really settling if someone chooses to get into relationship with someone that may not be the most attractive person they can get, but gets treated a lot better by that person of lesser attractiveness. 2
HillValley Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Maybe I'm the one reading this totally the wrong way but I just kind of read the OP as a sign of her GF actually maturing rather than the other way round? As in, she has finally come to grips with the idea that falling 'crazy in love' is not what it's all cracked up to be and she is now ready for something a bit more real and substantial, and she's trying to find her feet in this new paradigm? I mean she's right, you do build love through shared moments over time, not through initial fireworks. I get that that's making a you a little insecure though, OP - whether you both feel you are compatible enough to build that kind of love together is up to you both to work on. It's hard to tell cause it's the OP telling us but no that's not what is being described. Her girlfriend seems to be still looking through the prism of that relationship. It doesn't come across to me like someone figuring out what would make them happy. It comes across more like X person hurt me with this style of relationship so I will not allow X to hurt me again. 1
Author Thatsheblows Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Thanks so much for the responses everyone! As a first time poster I'm really appreciative of everyone's feedback, and I'm pretty confused about the situation in general, so I'm going to try and respond to most of the key points. I guess first off THIS is exactly what I want to avoid! I've been in a relationship like this and trust me, it doesn't get better with more time and effort on your part. My ex was/is a good person, but her ex (the father of her children) held a place in her heart that I don't think anyone else will be able to attain. I recall many months before we finally split that she basically conceded that my only advantages over her ex (to her, anyway) was that I was more stable, emotionally and financially. Thanks! Despite all this, she was not the one to end it. See, people like this are going to keep you hanging around until either you leave or they find someone better. In short, she was OK letting me help her raise her children and pay on a lease (and eventually, a mortgage), even though I was at that point, a distant second to someone she had previously had. . I do feel like I'm definitely second place to her ex, but again I don't know if that's cause she's just still processing the breakup, or if no one would be able to fill it. I'm actually ok with the fact she doesn't love me as much as her ex, or at least isn't as "crazy about me" cause her ex was a crackpot, which brings me to this: OP, it sounds like she does not know what love is. She is confusing it with *longing* which is a very powerful emotion but NOT love. With her emotionally unavailable bfs, she was always on edge, waiting for the good stuff (his attention)..... This kept her in a perpetual state of longing and infatuation. Lots of passion and high drama, which is NOT love. Problem is she thinks it is! How old is she? She sounds immature and unenlightened. IMO it does sound like she loves you. Doesn't realize it cuz she is so familiar with longing for a man, pining for him, waiting for his attention and all that drama.....she just doesn't get it.... Break up with her, let her start *longing* for you, and trust me guarantee she will begin to realize how much she does love you. Happens ALL the time. Typically with men, but women too. It is how that old saying *don't appreciate what we have, till it's gone" came to be. I also think this is COMPLETELY ACCURATE, and she's even mentioned a lot of those points. She's 36, but has always had some bad lessons on what love is supposed to be like, even starting with her parents (her Dad had a 6 month long affair when she was a child and the kids got involved) and I definitely think that a lot of that rings true. Again, it's just hard because of this next point: Her girlfriend seems to be still looking through the prism of that relationship. It doesn't come across to me like someone figuring out what would make them happy. It comes across more like X person hurt me with this style of relationship so I will not allow X to hurt me again. I think THIS is what caused me to feel like she's settling based on things she's said and certain ways she reacts. However, then I got confused cause she does seem happy overall. Like, she could easily find someone else to be with, so I know that it's not that she's scared to be alone, I've been going through a really difficult time with personal problems right now and she's been supportive, I've been having roommate issues and she travels for work constantly so she's pretty much letting me live in her apartment while she's gone, we're still having sex and she just told me she thinks it's good and she was remembering it fondly the other day, but then it goes back to the fact she still acts like it's some short term thing that she's doing cause she knows she'll be safe.
fred123 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 irrelevant. would u want to be with someone who said to you that they are more into their ex than u? pfft never.
Author Thatsheblows Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 I think it's going to come down to our fall holiday plans. We're from different countries and live in another country neither of us is from. She's never been to my country and we'd planned to go at Christmas. But then she kept saying over and over she wanted a summer holiday, and due to immigration and money issues, other plans changed, so then I suggested going in September instead like she'd originally wanted and kept talking about. Now she's saying she'll think about it, she's not sure because she might want to go somewhere else or to other places, or quit her job and do other things, so she as to see if it "fits in with her priorities." I know I'm not one, but again, at 5 months I don't even know what's normal to expect, however I think if she turns me down on this one it might be the last straw.
MargoJones Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Why are you more concerned about your GF settling than if YOU are settling? It sounds like you're giving everything you have to this woman and she is being terribly hurtful to you in return. I've been on your GFs position, I kind of am right now, actually. I had the exact same debate with myself about love and passion and should I be with someone who will treat me very well who I don't feel "that" way about just because I would be happier being with someone stable who treats me well than being single or waiting for someone who I felt the fireworks for who would probably treat me badly and break my heart. I also wondered if I would learn to love this guy eventually, and blah blah blah, basically, the same thing you two talked about. I decided not to date the nice stable guy who is pursuing me because it wouldn't be fair to him. It's not right to knowingly get involved with someone out of convenience and nobody deserves to feel like they don't have position #1 in my heart. You deserve to be #1 in somebody's heart too, not made to feel like you're with someone who is settling. What a horrible way to feel! A few posters commented on your "passivity." I agree in that you need to be more assertive in meeting your own needs. It's a little bit of a red flag that you're more worried about her happiness than your own. I don't think this woman respects you very much. She takes you for granted and doesn't try very hard. It's easy to be loving and passionate in the beginning, but it actually takes a little work to keep that up when the initial honeymoon period ends. She's capable of giving it to you now, but she knows you'll stick around regardless of if she makes an effort or not so she doesn't bother. I don't think this woman will "learn to love you" and I think she's in a holding pattern now and is using you to stave off loneliness until she eventually meets someone she's wild about. That should be you. The longer you stay in this woman's holding pattern the longer it's going to take to find someone that loves you for who you are and treasures you now. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 I think it's going to come down to our fall holiday plans. We're from different countries and live in another country neither of us is from. She's never been to my country and we'd planned to go at Christmas. But then she kept saying over and over she wanted a summer holiday, and due to immigration and money issues, other plans changed, so then I suggested going in September instead like she'd originally wanted and kept talking about. Now she's saying she'll think about it, she's not sure because she might want to go somewhere else or to other places, or quit her job and do other things, so she as to see if it "fits in with her priorities." I know I'm not one, but again, at 5 months I don't even know what's normal to expect, however I think if she turns me down on this one it might be the last straw. She's not settling for you, OP. She's either stringing you along or still testing the waters 5 months on (so not that long, really). This situation is clearly making you feel insecure so put your foot down and / or move on.
Dork Vader Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 First I have one question, does your girl friend have any diagnosed mental illnesses such as Bipolar, OCD, Depression or anything like that? If so that could possibly explain SOME of this behavior. That said, I do not put up with being compared to any Ex, ever. Even if it's saying something that is a compliment. There is absolutely no need to bring up an ex, they are over and done with that person or they are not, plain and simple. I would dump the girl and move on with my life. She's not the one for you. At the very least you two have very different views on love and what that is. There are so many other moral differences in your post it's absolutely amazing that you're staying with her. You date so that you can get to know someone and see if the two of you are on the same page in things such as morals, love, relationship needs and so on. You two clearly are NOT. Move on.
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