22yo, never in a relationship.

[liliacviolet]

First of all, I just wanted to say this is the first time ever I'm posting anything on a forum of this kind. I just stumbled upon it today and was impressed with how compassionate and reasonable everyone is here, so wanted to give it a chance.

 

I'm 22 yo girl and have never been in a relationship. I actually had my first date a couple of weeks ago. Here's a long and boring history of my love life - or rather the lack of it.

 

My case is kind of complicated and peculiar. I was never very good at communicating with the opposite sex. I had some male friends back when I was like 8, but later I spent time with girls only. I had lots of crushes, but was so concerned that the guy would notice that I spent most of my time and energy trying to hide it (also, it didn't help that I was terribly ugly back in primary school, like, REALLY). This is actually something I keep doing nowadays, after all these years.

 

In my highschool it got a wee bit better (and I learned how to improve my looks), but I still found talking to boys terribly uncomfortable. I had one major crush throughout highschool, and I think he liked me back, but we didn't know each other, so we just kept staring and nothing ever happened. I simply had no idea how to start it. Nobody asked me to prom - I went with a guy from my class whose girlfriend couldn't make it.

 

Then I started doing modeling. A couple of guys found that attractive and asked me out, but they were never the right guys. I know this sounds terribly selfish and naive, but I just could tell it wouldn't work. I know a lot of girls my age would just go out with these guys and then go on having long term relationships with them. But I just knew I couldn't ever be happy with them and it would eventually end up with a break up. So I just refused them all.

 

Later I went to college. My communication skills with guys improved, since I've met more of them. Still, nothing happened. Nobody ever asked me out.

 

After year 1, I joined a local youth group (sounds awkward, but let's call it this way, nevermind). I spent a wonderful week in the mountains with the whole group. And there was this guy, let's call him X. At first I didn't like him, but I noticed he liked me. A lot. He would become friends with my friends just to get closer to me. He would sit at our table. He would stare at me. I know these are all ridiculously small signs, but I'm a good observer, I just tend to imagine too much, but the things I notice are usually true. I'm always the first one within my friends to notice that someone is in a relationship. But let's get back to X guy. Did I like him? I thought I did. I came back from our trip and was pretty certain, that within a couple of weeks I would actually be in a relationship. But days passed by, we had our meetings, and it turned out we were actually too intimidated to even talk. I would get back to my "pretending I don't like him" strategy, and he apparently got discouraged. I would show up at the meeting, ignore him and then come back home crying with anger. Something strange happened - after a couple of failures like that I actually begun to despise him. I was just annoyed by the sight of him and when he actually started to talk to me, I hated it. He became someone I'd avoid, an unpleasant admirer. I think maybe it was the obviousness of it or my lack of experience? I don't know. The truth is, there was always something about him that made me cringe.

 

But around that time, another guy showed up. Let's call him Y. We had similar interests, he was confident, my type and... about a foot shorter than I am, but well. We didn't talk at all. I just secretly admired him. We went on a group trip together - like, a big group trip. I caught him looking at me a couple of times, we spoke like three times, but the conversations didn't even last a minute. And yet, that was enough for me to believe he liked me. Why? I don't know. My imagination was running wild and I was desperate.

 

We would see each other a couple of times a week after that, but we never even said "hi". And I honestly can't tell what was wrong with my judgement, but I believed his avoiding me meant he actually liked me. Even though he knew very well who I was (we were both, if I can say so without being obnoxious, quite popular in the group at the time), he never added me on facebook, and when I finally did it (I never ever do this, honestly), he avoided liking anything that had my face on it (he would like my posts, but never ever the pictures). He said a couple of flirty things to me during that time, and I believe that's what triggered my imagination. There was a ball at the end of the year and I hoped something would happen that day. You know what happened? It turned out he was dating another girl. I was shocked. How delusioned must I have been not to notice what was happening right in front of my eyes? Seeing him with another girl hurt as eff. The day after I found out, he sat at the table right in front of me. And we finally had a conversation, but it was waay too late. I know he's not a player - he was just being nice to me and that, combined with my lack of experience, lead to a terrible misunderstanding.

 

I dealt with it better than I thought I would - I just forgot about him. Believe it or not, I even started considering if refusing X was a right thing to do. I was very confused.

 

Next year passed and nothing happened, as usual - nobody asked me out. I avoided contacting with the group, the thought of seeing Y again was too painful (I know it sounds extremely ridiculous considering we never even had a serious conversation).

 

Around September he suddenly started liking my pictures. I was very suspicious. I started noticing subtle changes on his facebook - he changed his profile picture to the one where he is alone, he posted a video about a guy describing how there's no "one true love" out there and generally seemed very bitter and disappointed. After a couple of weeks it became quite obvious that the two have broken up. And I did my best to not care about it, but failed.

 

He finally wrote to me by the end of the year. Seeing his message in my box almost gave me a heart attack. I wrote back, I've always been a better writer than I am a talker. He wrote back. And we had an ongoing online conversation for a couple of hours. I was ecstatic. It finally worked and I knew I was right the whole time. He wrote the next day and we spent a lot of time writing again.

 

Then there was silence. I freaked out and was afraid he thought it was my turn, so wrote to him a couple of days before Christmas. His reply was short and dry and I felt like he wasn't in the mood. After a month he wrote again and I started noticing a pattern - he would write me about once in a month, as if he didn't want to be too pushy. Throughout this time we haven't met though.

 

There was one show we watched "together", that is, at the same time online. We spent literally the whole night exchanging our views and comments. It was really special. I discovered a lot more things we have in common.

 

Then, again, a month of silence, but he eventually did write to me. The pattern remained.

 

Around this time another guy - let's say Z - actually asked me out after we bumped into each other a couple of times. I was shocked and flattered and even though I didn't fancy him, I thought I'd do it just for the experience. We went out, had a coffee and it was really nice. But he wanted to meet the next day already. It was just too fast for me! He wrote me everyday and I know he did this because he cared, not because he was a freak. But again, it became too obvious for me and I got scared and backed out. Also, I felt as if I wasn't sincere - there was always Y at the back of my head and he was the one I cared about.

 

The annual ball was approaching. The same one that was the reason of my heartbreak exactly two years ago. I knew Y would be there and I found myself in the same place I was back then - hopeful for something to happen.

 

And you know what? The usual thing happened. We just ignored each other, the same way we had two years ago. Sure, we said hi, but we were in a hurry. And after that we just both pretended we were too busy. I sometimes think we're too similar and that's why it doesn't work. That's why he never would ask me out. And I know that feeling way too well to be angry at him.

 

I was devastated and angry at myself. After all, I was waiting for this moment for two years and I ruined everything once more.

 

The thing that bugged me more than anything was that I got an offer from a university abroad. I thought - well, maybe if we get a little closer before I actually go there, there's a tiny little chance it would work.

 

And here's where I am now. I'm more lonely than I've ever been, unsure what to do. The thought of studying abroad is exciting, but the thought of leaving things in the middle is not. I know very well I'm not going to get involved in any relationship whatsoever while living abroad - that would be silly, since it's just a year - and spending another year alone is just too much for me. Every day is a struggle. Also, I highly doubt he'd still be single when I come back, and seeing him with yet another girl, this time maybe his future wife, who knows, would kill me. And the worst thing is, I have no time to decide and no time to see what happens next, as I have to take care of finances and accommodation. I don't know if he's my soulmate, or if I'm just imagining things, as I always have.

 

I'm scared that my lack of experience, shyness and awkwardness is ruining my potential love life (together with unrealistic expectations, thanks to watching way to many movies). What do I do about it? Why is this post getting so long and desperate?

[smackie9]

Because you worry too much. Dating is risky, it's just the way it is. If you drop this fantasy/expectation of finding prince charming with all the qualities you expect, you will have np. Jump in feet first and see how it feels....enjoy the affection and the physical interaction, this is how it starts.....expect there is no guarantee if you end up in a relationship or not.

[Satu]

I mean this in the best possible way, but if you don't do something, nothing will change, and you'll be stuck at this point forever.

 

If you like someone, you have to make it visible.

 

You have to make an approach.

 

Holding back all the time will get you nowhere.

 

Somehow or other, subtly or blatantly, the message, "I want you," has to be transmitted.

 

Try subtle, and if that doesn't go anywhere, try blatant

 

 

Take care.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you are living too much of your life in your imagination, the fact that you are writing a post about these guys that you met and barely talked to years ago shows that are you spending way too much time and energy obsessing over the idea of these guys and not nearly enough getting to know actual real live men.

 

 

Besides physical attraction you do not know if someone is your type or not from a brief conversation or two, you need to put yourself out there, start talking to people and really get to know them.

 

 

Also don't assume that a guy is into you because you they are checking you out, you're a model, so presumably hot, every guy is going to check you out, that has nothing to do with actual interest in dating you.

[liliacviolet]

Thanks for the tips guys! I was surprised anyone actually read the whole thing. You helped me realize how ridiculous I sound. Anyway, I managed to pull myself together and asked the X guy out yesterday. He wrote he's a bit busy now, but didn't say no. I'm not sure if this will work, but to be honest I don't care that much now, because I know I haven't wasted this opportunity and if anything goes wrong, it's not my fault. Thanks again!

[smackie9]

Tip: always keep your options open. While X is possibly blowing you off gently by saying he's busy, keep looking for others.

 

Most of the time people don't come out and say "no". They often just come up with excuses. I would just take it as a no and move on.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

There are many people on this site older than you OP who have not had a relationship yet