oman0115 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Hi I really need some advice. An ex reached put to me after a significant period of time, she's down, depressed and in another relationship. I assumed she was reaching out to me for another go but it turns out that's not the case. She's gone through a personal tragedy which I won't go into, and sounds like she's in a toxic relationship. She wants me as a fried to her in hard times. That's really not what I ever wanted I've always been about reconciliation, but she's in dire straights. I've always wanted her back. And do feel to some extent I'd be being her friend under false pretences and she seems vulnerable. I really don't know how to handle this situation. Do I turn my back forever, or be there and risk hurting myself and getting no where with this woman?
Emilia Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Because you are hoping for reconciliation, you should not have any kind of contact with this woman. She needs to find her own way to resolve her issues anyway. It wouldn't last, you would just get sad and lonely in a few days anyway. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 It depends on the nature of the tragedy & how quick you can get in & out. We'd been apart for about 1 year when my EX's father died. That EX & I had been together for 12 years; I helped plan the mom's funeral & his parents had lived with us for about 9 months when the mother was dying. I called & sent flowers to express my condolences. I offered to come but was asked to stay away so I did, which broke my parents' hearts because they really wanted to go to pay their last respects. Another EX died slightly less than 2 years after we broke up. His son asked me to come to the funeral & sit with the family so I did.
sparkle222 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 hahhahahahhahhaah. read my threads. don't be friends with an ex. it doesn't matter if they claim they need you for emotional support during their depression. i've been there, all year. trust me, they have other people to help them. unless there is something really really serious (like they're suicidal or sudden family death) going on that kind of necessitates a (temporary!!) response. but don't convince yourself that the remote possibility of that in the future (e.g. my ex is upset, oh god what if this spirals really badly, i'd better help him right away to stop him going suicidal 6 months from now) means you should help now. DON'T DO IT! they don't need you, if they did, they'd date you!
RocketQueen Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Its a tricky one. I was there for my Ex for every little down moment he had. Felt a pang of warmness in my heart when he said I was the only person he could talk to freely and about anything and knowing I was there was a massive comfort to him. It took me a while for that warmness to wear off and realise that I didn't have the same level of support back. I think it would be fair and not too insensitive to remind you that when someone breaks up with you the intention is that they're letting you go, I would now, myself be very wary of being there for my ex in his time of need even though it goes against every fibre of my being to not be there for someone. Think of your own heart at this time. Sometimes we can forget ourselves and the want to feel needed can take over.
keiji Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Well, I've always been supportive of my ex's whenever they've been in trouble, but it's always been a case of us meeting again after a lengthy amount of time and the problem appearing afterwards. I don't know how I'd feel if someone dumped me and then reappeared just because they need a shoulder to cry on. I'm sure I'd give in out of sympathy, but who knows how that would turn out. I'd probably end up feeling stupid. 1
LostOnes05 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Google a good therapist in the area and wish her luck...no way I'd be an emotional trash bin for a woman that dumped me. She has girlfriends she can talk to, no??
Daxter325 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Please run away as a fast as you can, I'm speaking from personal experience. I fell for that nonsense and in the end, she ended up leaving me AGAIN for another man. When someone lets you go (partner, friend, relative etc) in my book that means, there's no need for you to be in their life. I learned this the hard way.
basil67 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 "If you'd like to go back to having a relationship with me, I will be there for you whenever you need it"
smudge21 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 You're living in hope and she's feeding it. You're in limbo and she's moved on, but feels that she can come and go into your life whenever she pleases. To her, you're an option; a temp thing that she can contact at will without having to really do much. I bet the reverse wouldn't be the same - if you needed her. You talk so much about her feelings and I bet during your conversations with her, it's all about her. But what about you? What about your feelings? Does she know about your hope, how this confuses and upsets you? I would guess not as you're here telling a group of strangers how you feel rather than her. I would also finally bet that if you did tell her you can't be there for her because of these feelings for her, then she would probably get angry and upset, try to make you feel bad. Once again, only ever about her and her feelings. Be honest with yourself and then with her. The outcome of this will not be what you hope for - you'll be left hanging on, hurt, upset, alone, whilst she's feeling much better and off living her life.
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