Breaking up with obese GF

[Zapbasket]

I don't find anything wrong with how OP feels about his gf's (ex-gf, now?) extreme weight gain in light of the obesity that runs in her family. Nor do I find anything wrong with venting, far out of his gf's or her family's earshot, that when he says, "fat" he's talking "Jabba the Hut" fat. I instantly knew what he meant by that and yes, that kind of fat isn't just some minor weight gain or gripe that every woman can't be a size 4 or 2.

 

I totally get it. We all have our preferences; we're attracted to some things, and disgusted by other things. I'll admit point-blank that I think obesity, and its concommitant gluttonous eating habits, are repulsive to me. I have an FB friend from elementary school who, along with her husband, is very obese, and as bad as I feel about it I find it revolting that they go on vacations together and post pictures of themselves at restaurants devouring excessively fatty foods in insanely huge portions. All I can think is, "Don't you realize that this right here is why you both are so fat?"

 

To me, such behavior goes much beyond looks; it's all about psychology--which seems to be one of excess, entitlement, using food to fill an emptiness within, using food and resulting fatness to "hide" from some aspect of themselves or being with others. That aspect repulses me much more than someone being obese. But yes, just seeing an obese or even quite fat person is a turn-off to me. I don't think it's any accident that I don't have fat friends. I have friends of all shapes and sizes, races, sexual orientations, etc., but none who are obese.

 

I don't think that makes me a bad person. And I don't think OP watching his gf and her family devour a pizza each along with a bunch of sides and feeling revulsion and even judgment makes him a bad person, either. If he feels that way, of course he shouldn't stick around, and he's not doing so. So good on him for knowing what he wants and what he can't live with.

[Blanco]

It's true obesity is correlated with health problems, but you know what else is correlated with obesity? Poverty. Anyone who's so concerned about the health of other people could be trying to figure out why 15% of Americans live below the poverty line and at least that many people will never have access to proper healthcare, but let's be honest: people who have problems with fat people usually just have issues with the physical appearance of fat people and are trying to find a biological basis to justify their bigotry. Fortunately, there isn't. This fact alone doesn't stop people from trying though.

 

I don't disagree with you and that's one huge reason why I don't support the idea of a "fat tax" on junk food. Those would suffer from it the most are those who are already living a pretty miserable life economically and I don't think it's fair to burden them with more things to stress about.

 

Sure, some people have issues with fat people for purely superficial reasons. Not all, though, and it's a defense mechanism to pretend that people don't have problems with obesity for legitimate medical reasons.

 

Well, to be fair, you yourself use the word "overweight" as if it was interchangeable with "obese" (see: first paragraph), and as long as well-meaning people like you use fabulous phrases like "a bit chunky" to describe women they don't have a problem with the assumption that every woman needs to be as thin as Kate Moss is a valid one. On a related note, have you noticed how thin female celebrities are usually described as "hot" while average-sized ones are celebrated as "healthy"? I have yet to figure out the implication behind these word choices, but I sure am intrigued.

 

And? I'm not pretending that there's a stigma against large or even overweight women. My point is that it's not a strictly superficial thing. As I said in my post, my one girlfriend got quite big by time we split, but it was her lousy attitude that I found more bothersome than her weight (which, as I said, I didn't even really notice until I was well removed from the relationship and look at her with neutral eyes).

 

I think what's interesting here is the condescending attitude you hold towards people you perceive to be inferior to you (i.e., fat people) and the implication that every woman should strive to be the kind of woman you prefer. I personally prefer an average-sized man who doesn't own golf clubs, trust funds, or a gym membership, but I don't expect every man to think this is the only way to be a man

 

You seem to be projecting a bit. I don't think it's condescending to say that I find someone who is at least trying to make some positive healthy lifestyle change is more appealing than someone of a similar build who wants to blame her current appearance on anything other than her own choices. It doesn't make a person superficial if they think it's a positive when someone, man or woman, attempts to life a better quality lifestyle.

 

It seems like we've countered supposed fat-shaming with this mindset where it's vain or superficial to take care of our bodies. It doesn't mean everyone should live in a gym or have the perfect diet. But I don't think it's condescending to think people should get some physical activity on a semi-regular basis and maybe be a bit more sensible with their food choices.

[Blanco]

I don't find anything wrong with how OP feels about his gf's (ex-gf, now?) extreme weight gain in light of the obesity that runs in her family. Nor do I find anything wrong with venting, far out of his gf's or her family's earshot, that when he says, "fat" he's talking "Jabba the Hut" fat. I instantly knew what he meant by that and yes, that kind of fat isn't just some minor weight gain or gripe that every woman can't be a size 4 or 2.

 

I totally get it. We all have our preferences; we're attracted to some things, and disgusted by other things. I'll admit point-blank that I think obesity, and its concommitant gluttonous eating habits, are repulsive to me. I have an FB friend from elementary school who, along with her husband, is very obese, and as bad as I feel about it I find it revolting that they go on vacations together and post pictures of themselves at restaurants devouring excessively fatty foods in insanely huge portions. All I can think is, "Don't you realize that this right here is why you both are so fat?"

 

To me, such behavior goes much beyond looks; it's all about psychology--which seems to be one of excess, entitlement, using food to fill an emptiness within, using food and resulting fatness to "hide" from some aspect of themselves or being with others. That aspect repulses me much more than someone being obese. But yes, just seeing an obese or even quite fat person is a turn-off to me. I don't think it's any accident that I don't have fat friends. I have friends of all shapes and sizes, races, sexual orientations, etc., but none who are obese.

 

I don't think that makes me a bad person. And I don't think OP watching his gf and her family devour a pizza each along with a bunch of sides and feeling revulsion and even judgment makes him a bad person, either. If he feels that way, of course he shouldn't stick around, and he's not doing so. So good on him for knowing what he wants and what he can't live with.

 

Exactly.

 

I don't eat perfectly. I just had a massive Rice Krispie Treat before I made my last post! But I make sure to balance that stuff with things like vegetables, good sources of protein, and the right fats. I lift weights several times a week and get in other forms of cardiovascular activity. I'm no cover model, but these are all things I enjoy and feel benefit me both physically and emotionally.

 

And yet, some people would call me a "nut" for making such things high priorities in my life. I've heard this sort of thing a lot over the years about people who take health and fitness seriously. They're "nuts" or "obsessed" and don't like "fun." Sure, some people take it too far, but it's disturbing how it's pretty widely accepted to call out someone for being a "gym nut" but taboo to be critical of someone who treats their bodies like a bottomless, immobile junk food depository.

[ChickiePops]

People always want the truth until you give it to them then suddenly I'm "mean". I never called her "names" I didn't intend to "shame" her but I did expect to have the lady I got with back. Unknown to me for the past year or so is that might not have been the real her at all. Which is fine and the very reason I've moved along.

 

You can tell the truth without calling someone Jabba the Hut. That IS mean.

[LD1990]

It's possible to eat a healthy diet on any budget. A lack of money is just an excuse. I really don't care if people are fat, skinny, whatever, although I wouldn't date an overweight woman, just not what I find attractive. But it's ridiculous when people make excuses for being overweight, like genetics, poverty, whatever.

 

People just don't want to take responsibility for their own actions. It's laughable to even complain about poverty in America. There's so many opportunities to make money here, especially compared to third world countries. Anyone can be a healthy weight, anyone in the United States can make more than enough money to survive, show me someone who complains about either and I'll show you someone who prefers whining over taking action.

 

Anyways OP, you did nothing wrong in my book, you gave it your best shot, she can't change that drastically and expect you to just roll with it.

[todreaminblue]

I don't find anything wrong with how OP feels about his gf's (ex-gf, now?) extreme weight gain in light of the obesity that runs in her family. Nor do I find anything wrong with venting, far out of his gf's or her family's earshot, that when he says, "fat" he's talking "Jabba the Hut" fat. I instantly knew what he meant by that and yes, that kind of fat isn't just some minor weight gain or gripe that every woman can't be a size 4 or 2.

 

I totally get it. We all have our preferences; we're attracted to some things, and disgusted by other things. I'll admit point-blank that I think obesity, and its concommitant gluttonous eating habits, are repulsive to me. I have an FB friend from elementary school who, along with her husband, is very obese, and as bad as I feel about it I find it revolting that they go on vacations together and post pictures of themselves at restaurants devouring excessively fatty foods in insanely huge portions. All I can think is, "Don't you realize that this right here is why you both are so fat?"

 

To me, such behavior goes much beyond looks; it's all about psychology--which seems to be one of excess, entitlement, using food to fill an emptiness within, using food and resulting fatness to "hide" from some aspect of themselves or being with others. That aspect repulses me much more than someone being obese. But yes, just seeing an obese or even quite fat person is a turn-off to me. I don't think it's any accident that I don't have fat friends. I have friends of all shapes and sizes, races, sexual orientations, etc., but none who are obese.

 

I don't think that makes me a bad person. And I don't think OP watching his gf and her family devour a pizza each along with a bunch of sides and feeling revulsion and even judgment makes him a bad person, either. If he feels that way, of course he shouldn't stick around, and he's not doing so. So good on him for knowing what he wants and what he can't live with.

 

 

feeling revulsion towards a human for the way they look...hmmmm....watching them eat so you can feel more revulsion and feel justified and entitled to judge them because they make wrong nutritional choices.........i dont think so......in my opinion ...that doesnt seem like a healthy attitude to posess....

and how dare overweight people go on holiday and have fun and post happy pics of themselves.......they should take pictures with stalks of celery and undressed salad.....and severely unhappy faces...or better yet...not take any pics......in case of offending people such as yourself with their repulsive bodies........

 

 

but you are right people have a right to be attracted to whatever they are attracted too...deb

[Blanco]

feeling revulsion towards a human for the way they look...hmmmm....watching them eat so you can feel more revulsion and feel justified and entitled to judge them because they make wrong nutritional choices.........i dont think so......in my opinion ...that doesnt seem like a healthy attitude to posess....

and how dare overweight people go on holiday and have fun and post happy pics of themselves.......they should take pictures with stalks of celery and undressed salad.....and severely unhappy faces...or better yet...not take any pics......in case of offending people such as yourself with their repulsive bodies........

 

 

but you are right people have a right to be attracted to whatever they are attracted too...deb

 

For what it's worth, the bold text above is a huge misconception. I know a lot of people who are into health and fitness, and on average, they eat better quality and tastier meals than the people who head for the drive-thru or frozen food section when it's time to eat.

[todreaminblue]

For what it's worth, the bold text above is a huge misconception. I know a lot of people who are into health and fitness, and on average, they eat better quality and tastier meals than the people who head for the drive-thru or frozen food section when it's time to eat.

 

 

i wrote what you chose to embolden for dramatic effect.... like a picture a snapshot in words..

 

i actually know about weight management..even though i am overweight(obese) at the moment..i am ex military...and i know for a fact you can basically consume as many calories as you want i have to add within reason.....when i was in the navy i ate ....more than what i eat now......as long as you put in the roadwork and balance exercise..with what you eat...so no one wants to have to qwork out 24 7 so ..normally food is or should be equivalent to that lifestyle you lead......its not about dieting its about management....

 

its not about who goes through drive thru...its how you go through drive thru.......if you leave the car at home and walk it there and back...you can have that cheese burger occasionally.....and post a picture eating it......and feel ...justified in taking a picture...or even pizza if you walk it and pick it up instead of delivered.deb....

Edited June 6, 2016 by todreaminblue

[longjohn]

OP I'm glad you finally broke up with her because you have been unhappy about her weight for quite some time. I hope you will find someone who meets the weight requirement you desire. Do you feel happier now that you are apart?

 

I'm not happy it came to a breakup however I'm glad it's over with. I really hate to do that and I do hate to hurt another person like that but I have to be honest with myself and her. That isn't what I wanted, not what I signed up for unfortunately. My weight requirement is normal, you know can fit in one seat on an airplane. She isn't that size but I hate to say it give her time. I actually like normal sized ladies that have some fat, curves, hips and so on. I'm not physically attracted to round.

 

To those that think or thought for a second I called her "jabba the hut" I did not. I thought it but I'd never actually say that to someone. I'm not a total arsehole.

[longjohn]

My ex returned, she wanted to talk. The talk ended up in an ultimatum from her to me to basically accept her as is and stop annoying her to go to the gym or walk.. or do anything active and when it happens (physical activity) it happens. I denied that request and stated that she had to incorporate a more healthy lifestyle for things to have ever worked. I wasn't going to sit back let her turn into a small gorrilla. I did not call her a gorrilla. I never at anytime wanted a lady that size. I classify overeating in the same categories as alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction.. it's another vice an addiction that any normal person wouldn't put up with it.

 

Some of her family members have had knees replaced. Most of the family defend obesity. Some don't but they are out numbered. They blame other factors and never the over eating and lack of activity. A few family members that have partners more or less run the partners down to accept them being over weight and reward them for encouraging it. I feel like I got that talk, an attempt to have roll over. I wasn't having any of it.

[SammySammy]

There are many people who will accept her as she is. She needs to find one of those people.

[LD1990]

I wasn't going to sit back let her turn into a small gorrilla. I did not call her a gorrilla.

 

LMAO. It's rare that a post on LoveShack makes me laugh out loud, but man, you really have a way of describing this lousy situation in the most hilarious way possible.

 

Anyways, good job sticking to your guns! The problem really isn't that she's fat, it's her and her family's poor attitude about it. People who have that woe is me, loser mindset are the worst, constantly blaming outside factors and refusing to take responsibility for their own choices.

[oldshirt]

Let's talk about dating a little bit and what it is for and what purpose it serves.

 

 

Dating is basically and interview and tryout/probationary period where we spend time with someone in order to get to know them and determine if we want to marry them, have a home and family with them and spend the rest of our days with them.

 

 

It is a noncommittal probationary period where ether party can terminate the interview/probationary process without prejudice or repercussion if it is determined that they no longer wish to continue.

 

 

In other words once you determine this person is not a good fit for you, it is pointless to continue.

 

 

She is not who or what you were initially attracted to when you met. She changed over time and became someone you are not attracted to and do not see a future with.

 

 

Game over.

 

 

Be respectful, be compassionate, be courteous. But be firm and unambiguous. The cleaner break you make, the quicker and with less hurt feelings you will both be able to move on.

[Hoosfoos]

LMAO. It's rare that a post on LoveShack makes me laugh out loud, but man, you really have a way of describing this lousy situation in the most hilarious way possible.

 

Totally agree! I was laughing out loud at some of his posts.

[bathtub-row]

If a lot of people in her family are that overweight, you'd think she'd be terrified of becoming like them. But it's almost like she has resigned herself to this. And if she lost a previous guy over this issue, you'd think she'd realize that this is something to take seriously.

 

I had a neighbor who had to have weighed at least 400 lbs. He was married and had a daughter. He hardly worked, and being that overweight impacted every facet of his life. I would be horrified to be married someone like this. Not trying to be mean to anyone but this is a serious thing. I think you're right to end the relationship with this girl. Her family history doesn't bode well.

[Blanco]

If a lot of people in her family are that overweight, you'd think she'd be terrified of becoming like them. But it's almost like she has resigned herself to this. And if she lost a previous guy over this issue, you'd think she'd realize that this is something to take seriously.

 

Actually, I think the opposite usually happens where obesity is concerned. Other addictions, such as alcoholism or drugs seem to serve as harsher warnings to the next generation. Obesity, however, doesn't carry the same degree of shame that may come with being an alcoholic. There isn't the same societal pressure to cloak those vices.

 

I made reference earlier in this thread to my one ex, who comes from a large family. She put on quite a decent amount of weight while we were together and given the family she came from, I didn't see that not worsening as the years wore on and other excuses (children, full-time jobs) to not take care of health emerged.

 

At times, she seemed like she wanted to avoid a similar fate, but ultimately, you tend to reflect the habits of the company you keep. Coming from a large family, there's a history, and dare I say, tradition, that comes along with it. I was present at many of the family gatherings. I always enjoyed myself, yet I couldn't help but notice how it seemed like they existed in an echo chamber when it came to justifying their downright gluttonous lifestyle.

[Blanco]

I had a neighbor who had to have weighed at least 400 lbs. He was married and had a daughter. He hardly worked, and being that overweight impacted every facet of his life. I would be horrified to be married someone like this. Not trying to be mean to anyone but this is a serious thing. I think you're right to end the relationship with this girl. Her family history doesn't bode well.

 

I've never been obese but there was a period of about a year and a half where I packed on some pretty serious pounds. It absolutely affected many facets of my lifestyle. I had been a fairly active guy for many years, but during this time, I would get winded going up just a couple flights of steps. My knees ached when I got up in the morning. I felt physically old. This doesn't even delve into the psychological impact of it all.

 

Regardless of your stance of the obesity epidemic, I don't think it can be argued that being even moderately overweight affects your quality of lifestyle in some way. Being obese affects virtually every facet of your life that involves any sort of physical movement.

[JuanDelToro]

My ex returned, she wanted to talk. The talk ended up in an ultimatum from her to me to basically accept her as is and stop annoying her to go to the gym or walk.. or do anything active and when it happens (physical activity) it happens. I denied that request and stated that she had to incorporate a more healthy lifestyle for things to have ever worked. I wasn't going to sit back let her turn into a small gorrilla. I did not call her a gorrilla. I never at anytime wanted a lady that size. I classify overeating in the same categories as alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction.. it's another vice an addiction that any normal person wouldn't put up with it.

 

Some of her family members have had knees replaced. Most of the family defend obesity. Some don't but they are out numbered. They blame other factors and never the over eating and lack of activity. A few family members that have partners more or less run the partners down to accept them being over weight and reward them for encouraging it. I feel like I got that talk, an attempt to have roll over. I wasn't having any of it.

 

Correction, you did not call her a gorilla to her face, you just go about and belittling her behind her back using these "funny" names, in forums in front of strangers. Yet you fail to realize that by doing this, you`re basically belittling yourself, no matter how well you are sugercoating it, even if your story is fair.

[anika99]

I'm of two minds on this situation. I used to have an extremely high metabolism and could eat whatever, whenever and however much of whatever I wanted and I still remained lean and naturally muscular. Now that I'm older my metabolism has slowed and I've had to change my eating habits, no biggie as I think my metabolism is still within normal range.

 

However I watched my mom struggle all of her life with her weight. She has a totally different body type than me. I have a naturally lean athletic body. Even without exercising I always looked muscular and toned. I also have broad square shoulders and a wide back. My mom on the other hand always had a much softer type of body. Small shoulders and back, she was naturally busty while I've always had a smaller bust. When she was very young she had a true hour glass body while my body was more like a gymnast or skater.

 

My mom has/had a significantly lower metabolism than me and for years I watched her count calories and go hungry in an effort to lose pounds while I would just be packing the calories away like they were nothing and I never gained weight. My mom always felt so bad about herself and she struggled with self esteem and liking herself. She was not a pig and she was not lazy. I think there were a couple of things going on.

 

First of all I believe that some of her diets really messed up her metabolism. I was recently reading about this and there is evidence that when people lose a large amount of weight in a short period of time there metabolism will slow to below normal range and they will have to forever eat less calories just to maintain their current weight. So if someone weighs 200 pounds and they lose 75 pounds they will have to eat approx. 600 less calories than the someone else who also weighs 125 pounds but never dieted. So I think my moms dieting really messed her up. I also think that her body type (very feminine and soft) was just more prone to weight gain than my body type.

 

So it really bothers me when people look a fat people and assume that they must be lazy piggish overeaters because I know for a fact that my mom is not any of those things and I hate that people immediately think such nasty things about anyone with a weight problem. A lot of the nastiest people don't even eat all that great themselves but they think they can sit in judgement just because they were blessed with a great metabolism.

 

I also don't think we can help what we find sexually attractive and what we find to be a turn off. OP if you are repulsed by your gf's body then you are right to break up with her but please show some understanding and compassion. She doesn't deserve to be shame and ridiculed. Yes I know that you don't say these things to her face but that you even think such mean things about her is sad. Just because she doesn't meet your standards of attractive doesn't mean she isn't a human being deserving of love and caring. It's fine that you broke up with her but it's not necessary to speak meanly and disrespectfully of her. Be kind please.

[longjohn]

Correction, you did not call her a gorilla to her face, you just go about and belittling her behind her back using these "funny" names, in forums in front of strangers. Yet you fail to realize that by doing this, you`re basically belittling yourself, no matter how well you are sugercoating it, even if your story is fair.

 

Believe me if I sugar coated anything she'd probably eat it and shift the blame.

[longjohn]

I'm of two minds on this situation. I used to have an extremely high metabolism and could eat whatever, whenever and however much of whatever I wanted and I still remained lean and naturally muscular. Now that I'm older my metabolism has slowed and I've had to change my eating habits, no biggie as I think my metabolism is still within normal range.

 

However I watched my mom struggle all of her life with her weight. She has a totally different body type than me. I have a naturally lean athletic body. Even without exercising I always looked muscular and toned. I also have broad square shoulders and a wide back. My mom on the other hand always had a much softer type of body. Small shoulders and back, she was naturally busty while I've always had a smaller bust. When she was very young she had a true hour glass body while my body was more like a gymnast or skater.

 

My mom has/had a significantly lower metabolism than me and for years I watched her count calories and go hungry in an effort to lose pounds while I would just be packing the calories away like they were nothing and I never gained weight. My mom always felt so bad about herself and she struggled with self esteem and liking herself. She was not a pig and she was not lazy. I think there were a couple of things going on.

 

First of all I believe that some of her diets really messed up her metabolism. I was recently reading about this and there is evidence that when people lose a large amount of weight in a short period of time there metabolism will slow to below normal range and they will have to forever eat less calories just to maintain their current weight. So if someone weighs 200 pounds and they lose 75 pounds they will have to eat approx. 600 less calories than the someone else who also weighs 125 pounds but never dieted. So I think my moms dieting really messed her up. I also think that her body type (very feminine and soft) was just more prone to weight gain than my body type.

 

So it really bothers me when people look a fat people and assume that they must be lazy piggish overeaters because I know for a fact that my mom is not any of those things and I hate that people immediately think such nasty things about anyone with a weight problem. A lot of the nastiest people don't even eat all that great themselves but they think they can sit in judgement just because they were blessed with a great metabolism.

 

I also don't think we can help what we find sexually attractive and what we find to be a turn off. OP if you are repulsed by your gf's body then you are right to break up with her but please show some understanding and compassion. She doesn't deserve to be shame and ridiculed. Yes I know that you don't say these things to her face but that you even think such mean things about her is sad. Just because she doesn't meet your standards of attractive doesn't mean she isn't a human being deserving of love and caring. It's fine that you broke up with her but it's not necessary to speak meanly and disrespectfully of her. Be kind please.

 

I've no doubt her metabolism is screwed up she never eat's breakfast. Overeats at lunch. Comes home "stressed from work" and refuses to do ****e all but sit on her arse. She more than met my standards of attraction 2 years ago. 2 years later she's gained so much weight she no longer has a chin!? Seriously she looks exactly like her mother now and that I'm afraid to say is not what I want.

 

I offered to help her, I offered to make breakfast, I offered to get her a trainer, I asked her to walk after dinner, I tried to get her to cycle, I attempted to cut out the unhealthy foods but.. that didn't matter she ate like it was going out of style when we were apart. I'm sorry but I've given up 100% on this lady.

[longjohn]

LMAO. It's rare that a post on LoveShack makes me laugh out loud, but man, you really have a way of describing this lousy situation in the most hilarious way possible.

 

Anyways, good job sticking to your guns! The problem really isn't that she's fat, it's her and her family's poor attitude about it. People who have that woe is me, loser mindset are the worst, constantly blaming outside factors and refusing to take responsibility for their own choices.

 

Thanks, if I didn't laugh at this (and myself at times) I'd go insane. She does at sometimes have the "woe is me mindset" probably why she liked her ex. He was a two legged "everything is horrible" type of person yet did next to nothing to change it. I'd have kicked him in his fat arse if I were her.

[mrldii]

Believe me if I sugar coated anything she'd probably eat it and shift the blame.

 

Since this isn't in the "Rants" section, you're not really here looking for help or advice, are you?

 

You're just trying to show everyone on this site how uber clever you are...

 

...at your girlfriend's expense.

[longjohn]

Since this isn't in the "Rants" section, you're not really here looking for help or advice, are you?

 

You're just trying to show everyone on this site how uber clever you are...

 

...at your girlfriend's expense.

 

Not at all, I'm trying to make light of a horrible situation that I'm currently in. It's never nice nor easy to break up. Humor unfortunately helps me through these things however I get your point. It was never my intention for that to be at anyone's expense but my own.

[Tressugar]

So would you get back with her once she drops the weight?

 

Because that's what's coming next. Women drop weight after a relationship ends to get back into the dating game.