Breaking up with obese GF

[longjohn]

I've been with a girl for a couple of years so far. When we got together she was small and she's short to begin with, very pretty face. She's incredibly intelligent, funny. I like being with her and around her however physically I've next to no interest anymore. A few months in she quits the gym, she stops eating right and about a year in she's gaining some serious weight. She went on a holiday last year with her sister and came back visibly larger after a week. I did mention this to her as nicely as I could which she acknowledged.

 

Her family on her mothers side are all large in the extreme. When I say extreme I don't mean a bit overweight. I mean jabba the hut and I don't mean that as a joke. They are massively overweight. Seriously the people at an all you could eat buffet I went to one time with them looked nervous when they seen them coming.

 

My gf isn't that big yet however yet is the word as she's been steadily increasing in size. I've tried for a year to get her to go to the gym and at first she did and she worked out hard however lost next to no weight. Now she says the gym is boring and doesn't want to go. I got her to sign up for a diet of sorts with me (I don't need it), it's just eating right and exercise she could care less about it. I pester her to go to the gym with me and once a week she does for like 20 minutes then goes and sits on her arse which annoys the crap out of me. I never see her eating junk food at home. Therefore it's safe to assume she eats her junk food at work. She does work long hours and is stressed and often complains about work. I suggested finding a different job and that's met with hostility?

 

She wonders why the relationship hasn't moved on. Of course she wants more and I hate to be blunt but don't want to get married to jabba the hut. I have to be honest there and with myself. I did tell her relationships take effort and time. I'm far from perfect however she's not putting in the effort so why should she be handed the reward? I take pride in my appearance and so does she, she always dresses nice and presents well. Where we differ is exercise and diet. I'm at the gym daily and to be fair.. I get a decent amount of attention from younger smaller ladies that's getting harder to ignore.

 

Bottom line is I feel like I'm trying to stop a fat person being fat and they apparently want to be fat. I shouldn't be made out to be the bad guy in a relationship for saying what I want and what I don't want is someone that gets to the extreme end of obese. I classify that kind of extreme weight in the same categories as smokers, drug addicts, alcoholics etc none of whom I'd date or stay with. I do feel bad for her because she told me her ex left her when she got big before. However another part of me is screaming at myself saying when I heard that I should have run away. I feel bad for her that I'm ending it with her because of size but I've tried everything short of voodoo on her to get her to stop turning into her sister or her mother.. both of whom as people I like talking to. Physically they disgust the $hite out of me.

[Emilia]

It is a shame but it is what it is. In my experience, when people are in shape in their mid30s+, they are likely to stay in shape. When they are younger, it's harder to tell.

[lana-banana]

Let's be clear what this isn't about. This is not about obesity, fatness, sexual preferences, societal pressure to be thin, feminism, misogyny, weight gain, or whatever. This is about basic compatibility. You've told her your feelings and she's unwilling or unable to change. If you stick around beyond this point then that's on you.

 

I looked at your posting history and it seems like you've had many problems in this relationship that were totally unrelated to her weight. I think you can honestly convey the breakup as "we want different things" and/or "I don't see a future together" without being excessively cruel about her size. She will already jump to that conclusion without you having to bring it up.

[JuanDelToro]

Has it ever occurred to you that the problem could be yourself? That something you're not doing right?

If she's getting fat, to me is a solid indication that her attraction is dropping fast and she's just becoming complacent. Because of that she has no reason to take care of herself and maintain her sexiness.

Add to that the obesity tendacies stemming from family, your obvious revulsion towards them (which I'm sure she picks up) and the fact that you constantly harassing and apparently patronizing her as well about her weight and you got yourself a problem.

 

You're tactless and your approach is crude and for that reason the whole thing turned around and bit your behinds. If you love her I would suggest that you better stop the "Jabba the hut" naming and work on a different approach with her. An approach that will reignite her feminity and as a result will make her want to be sexy.

Also you should work on accepting her family for who they are and don't get stuck upon how they look.

 

If you think you can't do any that or you're afraid that things won't change no matter what and that you really want something different (maybe a girl that is into fitness) then by all means it'd be better for the both of you to go your own ways.

No one can say that you're a bad person or judge you because you want to go after what you really desire.

[longjohn]

Has it ever occurred to you that the problem could be yourself? That something you're not doing right?

If she's getting fat, to me is a solid indication that her attraction is dropping fast and she's just becoming complacent. Because of that she has no reason to take care of herself and maintain her sexiness.

Add to that the obesity tendacies stemming from family, your obvious revulsion towards them (which I'm sure she picks up) and the fact that you constantly harassing and apparently patronizing her as well about her weight and you got yourself a problem.

 

You're tactless and your approach is crude and for that reason the whole thing turned around and bit your behinds. If you love her I would suggest that you better stop the "Jabba the hut" naming and work on a different approach with her. An approach that will reignite her feminity and as a result will make her want to be sexy.

Also you should work on accepting her family for who they are and don't get stuck upon how they look.

 

If you think you can't do any that or you're afraid that things won't change no matter what and that you really want something different (maybe a girl that is into fitness) then by all means it'd be better for the both of you to go your own ways.

No one can say that you're a bad person or judge you because you want to go after what you really desire.

Actually yes I did look at myself first. What's changed with me is I put more effort into staying fit. We still did most of the same things together we had done. The issue being she now refuses to eat right, exercise and won't take herself away from her job that causes a lot of stress. My initial solution was to ask her to change jobs which has failed. I tried motivating her to come walking with me, going away on the weekends now and then. I tried getting her to come to the gym with me more often. She knows all the weights and machines better than I do. The lady used to have a 6 pack and she's traded it for a keg (don't think I'm that "crude" to her, I'm not) and I really hate to say that. I'm sure she's depressed but I don't know what kind of animal I'm supposed to sacrifice in order to make it better?

 

Yes I use the term "Jabba the hut" internally (I'm not a total arsehole) because when I look at other female members of her family that's unfortunately what I think unfortunately. Unless I'm a total idiot I don't believe the problem is all on my end. I've tried for over a year and it's sad to say but time to move on.

[Tahirthegreat]

Nothing you can do to help a people who let themselves turn into fat disgusting blobs. Time to cut ties with her and be honest about it so she knows her disgusting weight gain was the reason,

[longjohn]

The breakup went more of less as I expected. I'd tell her we're breaking up, she'd ask why I'd delicately put it to her she'd blame me for changing and storm out. Mostly how it went only we talked a lot longer than expected. She did say I changed I pointed out she had physically and I hate to be blunt and honest but I told her I got a bait and switch. I bought the healthy thin version of her 2 years ago and now I've got the junk food munching version and that's not what I wanted nor is it what I'm attracted to.

 

It was put to me that I like her for who she is and I do however a big part of a relationship is the physical aspect and that's face down on the ground dead at this point. I really hated to point out other members of her family were big (really they are massive) but that was met with hostility as I can't bring her family members into it. Which I wasn't, I was trying to use them as an example. At various points all I heard from her were excuses to be fat and she was being serious! She did say she could get in shape again if she didn't have to work or worked part time and had more time? WTF.. Yes let me make her into an entitled bored housewife that'll find "fun" elsewhere eventually. She sounded just like my ex when she said that.

 

She did point out again that another ex had up and left after two years because she gained weight. Which I knew about before. A quick look back at the timeline on her social media and I see the same thing. Thin when they got together then.. large (larger than she is now) when they split. She's been here and got the tshirt why is she making the same mistake twice.

 

I wish this was all on and I could fix it but I've pondered this over and over again for months. I almost pulled the trigger on leaving a few times and thought no let me try this or this. I tried everything from being really, really nice, taking her away on holiday, messages, got her a new car, bent over backwards for her and her family and I feel like if I cave now I'm going to be walked all over and I refuse to do that. Yes I feel bad for hurting her and I feel bad it's over but in a few months we'll all feel better I hope.

[longjohn]

Let's be clear what this isn't about. This is not about obesity, fatness, sexual preferences, societal pressure to be thin, feminism, misogyny, weight gain, or whatever. This is about basic compatibility. You've told her your feelings and she's unwilling or unable to change. If you stick around beyond this point then that's on you.

 

I looked at your posting history and it seems like you've had many problems in this relationship that were totally unrelated to her weight. I think you can honestly convey the breakup as "we want different things" and/or "I don't see a future together" without being excessively cruel about her size. She will already jump to that conclusion without you having to bring it up.

 

I would never be cruel about someone's size or appearance. However I will be honest and tactful where I can. When I talk here I'm thinking out loud and of course saying things I'd never just say to a partner. I did however mention her physical appearance for being part of it. Her lack of motivation etc. As I already said I got the excuses to be fat. I got with a lady that wore a size S or M two years ago now she's wearing XXL. It's like she got happy so she decided to get fat? I said to myself two years ago I'd try another relationship and give it 100%.. which I have and I'm happy to be single again.

[ajaxlemon]

She did point out again that another ex had up and left after two years because she gained weight. Which I knew about before. A quick look back at the timeline on her social media and I see the same thing. Thin when they got together then.. large (larger than she is now) when they split. She's been here and got the tshirt why is she making the same mistake twice.

 

She's obviously not naturally thin and has yet to figure out she doesn't have to be someone she's not. Don't worry about her, when she meets a man who appreciates her intelligence and sense of humor who's not cruel enough to secretly think of her and her family as "Jabba the hut," she won't even remember the two ex-es who cared too much about keeping up appearances.

 

You, on the other hand, will probably be like an uncle of mine who wouldn't stop telling people to lose weight under the pretense of caring about their health until he hit the 50s and is now the one whose weight gain gets mocked by all the people he's pestered throughout the years. Worry about yourself, what goes around comes around.

[mrldii]

OP, we all have non-negotiables within our relating with others on an intimate level. For instance, mine are: don't be unemployed, don't strike me in anger, don't be drug addict, and don't be a criminal.

 

Personally, I'd be more concerned about WTF is wrong with me that for "a couple of years", I put up with someone who wasn't working / was beating me / was doing drugs / was in and out of jail.

 

It's almost *like* I didn't mean my non-negotiables were non-negotiables and I'd focus my attention to work on fixing me.

[todreaminblue]

you have a right to be attracted to what attracts you...you do not have a right to be mean.....and being honest and tactful means not using words like jabba the hut unless you were watching star wars and was talking about the creature on it.....ypu do not have a right to mak efun fo her family...but you do have the right to walk away because you arent compatible....calling people cruel names...is not honesty or tactfulness.....it is more like believing that you are better than them so you can throw stones and hurtful statements around......shaming people...yeah...its not tact..its completely unnecessary...deb

[SammySammy]

I once dated a girl with a family like that. Obese and enjoyed being obese.

 

My girlfriend wasn't fat then, but I knew it was a matter of time. When I would visit her family, I was shocked at the amount of food they all ate.

 

The line in the sand for me was when they started mocking me for being fit. Saying I needed some "meat on my bones". Nah, I'll pass on the double chins and "meat" hanging over my belt buckle.

 

I don't think she knows the real reason I broke up with her to this day. I saw a picture of her a few days ago and, as expected, she's huge. Family has all sorts of medical issues. Mom died young. Despite obesity wreaking havoc in their family, they are still posting proud pictures of themselves as if being grossly fat is desirable.

 

People don't change unless they want to change. Exit gracefully and move on with your life.

[longjohn]

Here's the thing, I feel like I was trying to stop a fat person being a fat person. The person I met was small in shape and eating right. That person is dead. I'm not into people that are over weight and unhealthy. I'm not saying everyone should be thin I'm saying that's not what I want and that isn't going to make me happy. My personal belief is we can't all eat like we did when we were in our teen's and 20's and get away with it. I work all week in a job I love doing and I make decent money. I go to the gym 5 times a week, I watch what I eat. Yes I over indulge now and then but I stay in shape. I'm no body builder but I've good muscle tone and reasonable strength. That gives me confidence, confidence that's boosted when a lady notices it which happens more and more often.

 

Just like MidKnightDreams said.. I've seen the exact same thing with my ex and her family. When they are all together they over eat massively. I mean they'll devour a pizza each, couple of cokes a salad and a few rolls. When I first seen it I watched in shock and horror. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion you didn't want to look but you couldn't help watching it. Sorry I've seen the binge eating, the hiding the junk food and the excuses for being obese. That is a critical deal breaker for me that wasn't present when I got with this lady which is unfortunate.

[longjohn]

you have a right to be attracted to what attracts you...you do not have a right to be mean.....and being honest and tactful means not using words like jabba the hut unless you were watching star wars and was talking about the creature on it.....ypu do not have a right to mak efun fo her family...but you do have the right to walk away because you arent compatible....calling people cruel names...is not honesty or tactfulness.....it is more like believing that you are better than them so you can throw stones and hurtful statements around......shaming people...yeah...its not tact..its completely unnecessary...deb

 

People always want the truth until you give it to them then suddenly I'm "mean". I never called her "names" I didn't intend to "shame" her but I did expect to have the lady I got with back. Unknown to me for the past year or so is that might not have been the real her at all. Which is fine and the very reason I've moved along.

[Blanco]

Some people don't have the body structure that supports being thin, but no one's body structure dooms them to a life of obesity. That's a choice, and we've gotten too comfortable blaming genetics and bone structure for our condition, when what we consume and how much we move around are what have the most impact.

 

I dated a girl like this. Her whole family is fat/obese. Holidays and family gatherings were incredible, because the food was other worldly. She started to pack on the pounds and it wasn't necessarily the weight gain that turned me off. Truthfully, it wan't until I was over her that I looked back and realized, "wow, she was kinda fat, wasn't she?" No, what turned me off was her crappy attitude about her weight. Her resistance to most physical activity. The fact that she would complain about being fat and then would make dietary choices that made it so hard to not go, "Um, hey, remember when you were complaining about being fat?"

[losangelena]

Lol, so much fat-shaming on this thread. Wow.

 

Great, OP, glad you finally pulled the trigger and stopped wasting your ex-GF's time.

 

I would wager to bet that neither she nor her family are happy being fat. She obviously is uncomfortable with herself if she feels like she has to slim down before she's "deserving" of a man. Maybe this time she'll get it.

[Blanco]

Lol, so much fat-shaming on this thread. Wow.

 

Great, OP, glad you finally pulled the trigger and stopped wasting your ex-GF's time.

 

I would wager to bet that neither she nor her family are happy being fat. She obviously is uncomfortable with herself if she feels like she has to slim down before she's "deserving" of a man. Maybe this time she'll get it.

 

Being overweight is generally unhealthy. I don't condone cruelty toward fat people, but this swing we've made as a society where you're a villain for suggesting that being overweight might have negative consequences is the mentality that's made America one of the most obese nations in the world. That's astounding when you consider the resources and facilities we have at our disposal.

 

Also, there's a difference between being a bit chunky and being obese. I don't really have a problem with the former and I'm not the type who thinks every woman needs to look like Kate Moss. It's irritating how you can't speak out against obesity without some people making it sound like the only alternative is to weigh 98 pound and subsist on 8 Saltines a day.

 

I'm a regular gym-goer and when I see a fat person there, you know what I do? I think to myself, "That's awesome." Even if they don't really know what they're doing or they're not putting in a terribly effective workout, they're still trying to do something positive for the health. A woman like that is way more appealing than a similarly sized one who avoids exercise like the plague, eats like hell, and loves to talk about "genetics" when they see someone who's slim.

[longjohn]

Lol, so much fat-shaming on this thread. Wow.

 

Great, OP, glad you finally pulled the trigger and stopped wasting your ex-GF's time.

 

I would wager to bet that neither she nor her family are happy being fat. She obviously is uncomfortable with herself if she feels like she has to slim down before she's "deserving" of a man. Maybe this time she'll get it.

 

I really didn't intend or mean to start any kind of "fat shaming". I'm glad I'm not wasting her time nor her mine.

 

Oh no her family are fine being fat. It's everyone else's fault they need a walker to get around. That "disabled" parking badge they have is really needed too apparently. Maybe I'm a total and utter b@stard but I can't help thinking.. those pizza's etc you ate this is why they are overweight! Stop eating like that? Then again maybe that's like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking. The "disabled" parking is enabling them to reduce physical activity even further. My god even her parents doctor is telling them to stop eating like that and lose weight. They did the minimum to get the doc off their back. It isn't genetics making them this way.. well actually maybe it is making them eat that way? These are all choices to me, in my mind that can be overcome. We all wake up in the morning with a simple choice.. what am I going to do today.

 

I've a feeling she'll get back to the size she was again in time. Attract another guy then let go again hoping he'll stick around when he meets.. the real her. The real her is apparently an overweight lady, very pretty, well put together and very intelligent. However she's a do as I say type not do as I do.

[Blanco]

I want to add that my mom is overweight. Not obese or close to it, but she is one of those people who got away with poor diet and lack of activity early in life and never developed healthy habits. She's paying for it now. She's had a host of knee and hip issues and her weight has certainly contributed to that, if not at least made it more stressful for her to walk and move around.

 

We all age and we all eventually suffer from ailments that impede our quality of life. I just don't think we should add fuel to the fire by making crappy lifestyle choices with regards to physical activity and diet.

[stillafool]

OP I'm glad you finally broke up with her because you have been unhappy about her weight for quite some time. I hope you will find someone who meets the weight requirement you desire. Do you feel happier now that you are apart?

[stillafool]

I really didn't intend or mean to start any kind of "fat shaming". I'm glad I'm not wasting her time nor her mine.

 

Oh no her family are fine being fat. It's everyone else's fault they need a walker to get around. That "disabled" parking badge they have is really needed too apparently. Maybe I'm a total and utter b@stard but I can't help thinking.. those pizza's etc you ate this is why they are overweight! Stop eating like that? Then again maybe that's like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking. The "disabled" parking is enabling them to reduce physical activity even further. My god even her parents doctor is telling them to stop eating like that and lose weight. They did the minimum to get the doc off their back. It isn't genetics making them this way.. well actually maybe it is making them eat that way? These are all choices to me, in my mind that can be overcome. We all wake up in the morning with a simple choice.. what am I going to do today.

 

I've a feeling she'll get back to the size she was again in time. Attract another guy then let go again hoping he'll stick around when he meets.. the real her. The real her is apparently an overweight lady, very pretty, well put together and very intelligent. However she's a do as I say type not do as I do.

 

How sad that someone would only lose weight to get a man and not do it for themselves. That is bait and switch.

[BlueIris]

I didn’t even read this as being about fat because the description sounded just like a couple of guys that I dated who changed themselves to get a GF (me, probably others in the past) but then fell back into negative patterns. One was an alcoholic who had gotten sober and stayed sober for a while but then went back to drinking. Another was a low-energy guy who put lots of effort into doing things and being fun but then fell back into lethargy, virtually no activity.

 

I applaud people for changing if their patterns aren’t working for them. But when someone shows one version of themselves at the beginning of a relationship, to catch you so to speak, and “relapses” into living in a way that you wouldn’t have dated in the first place, I think you’re perfectly right to end it.

[NIGHT1985]

There is nothing wrong with desiring someone that cares about their health and appearance. I couldn't date someone that is over weight, and if I was dating someone that was putting on weight, I would support them in trying to better their health. It's the same as dating someone that isn't a smoker and suddenly picks up the habit. It's a huge deal breaker to some, if you're not willing to make a change

[ajaxlemon]

Being overweight is generally unhealthy. I don't condone cruelty toward fat people, but this swing we've made as a society where you're a villain for suggesting that being overweight might have negative consequences is the mentality that's made America one of the most obese nations in the world. That's astounding when you consider the resources and facilities we have at our disposal.

 

It's true obesity is correlated with health problems, but you know what else is correlated with obesity? Poverty. Anyone who's so concerned about the health of other people could be trying to figure out why 15% of Americans live below the poverty line and at least that many people will never have access to proper healthcare, but let's be honest: people who have problems with fat people usually just have issues with the physical appearance of fat people and are trying to find a biological basis to justify their bigotry. Fortunately, there isn't. This fact alone doesn't stop people from trying though.

 

Also, there's a difference between being a bit chunky and being obese. I don't really have a problem with the former and I'm not the type who thinks every woman needs to look like Kate Moss. It's irritating how you can't speak out against obesity without some people making it sound like the only alternative is to weigh 98 pound and subsist on 8 Saltines a day.

 

Well, to be fair, you yourself use the word "overweight" as if it was interchangeable with "obese" (see: first paragraph), and as long as well-meaning people like you use fabulous phrases like "a bit chunky" to describe women they don't have a problem with the assumption that every woman needs to be as thin as Kate Moss is a valid one. On a related note, have you noticed how thin female celebrities are usually described as "hot" while average-sized ones are celebrated as "healthy"? I have yet to figure out the implication behind these word choices, but I sure am intrigued.

 

I'm a regular gym-goer and when I see a fat person there, you know what I do? I think to myself, "That's awesome." Even if they don't really know what they're doing or they're not putting in a terribly effective workout, they're still trying to do something positive for the health. A woman like that is way more appealing than a similarly sized one who avoids exercise like the plague, eats like hell, and loves to talk about "genetics" when they see someone who's slim.

 

I think what's interesting here is the condescending attitude you hold towards people you perceive to be inferior to you (i.e., fat people) and the implication that every woman should strive to be the kind of woman you prefer. I personally prefer an average-sized man who doesn't own golf clubs, trust funds, or a gym membership, but I don't expect every man to think this is the only way to be a man.

[todreaminblue]

People always want the truth until you give it to them then suddenly I'm "mean". I never called her "names" I didn't intend to "shame" her but I did expect to have the lady I got with back. Unknown to me for the past year or so is that might not have been the real her at all. Which is fine and the very reason I've moved along.

 

 

long john.....truth shouldnt have personal bias and judgement attached...truth can be clinical but never cruel and based on preference alone...there are ways of stating truth and ways to not and truth should always be delivered with compassion and understanding....

 

i am one who also appreciates honesty....i also appreciate the way people say honesty with thoughts to not hurting me and respecting my heart and me as a person, or making me feel like crap.......its then that i love honesty because i can make a positive change or adjustment when i take that honesty into consideration.....and i can feel respected at the same time.....

 

people who are overweight still deserve respect as do people who are thin.....humans deserve to treat each other and be treated with compassion and understanding at all times....that includes behind their backs when they dont have a way of defending themselves...or their family.....like...online for example....

i think you did the right thing by the way by ending the relationship...im sure you will be much happier finding someone who fits your ideal....good luck...i hope you do find what you seek...deb......