Wild88 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 So, I posted my "issue" in another forum, while I was grateful for the replies, I didn't think it was the most helpful. I have not so long ago, gotten out of a very bad marriage after 8 years and have a new relationship for 8 months now. Hes a great guy. Hes very attentive. Hes selfless and understanding. Hes selfless and always gives me support wherever I need it. There are a few things that have brought me to post on these forums to get someone else perspective on the situation I am dealing with currently. Like I said, the man I am with currently is a good man...but...there are some things that I dont agree with from his past. Im not a judgmental person but its something that is lingering in the back of my mind constantly. A few months back though, I found out that he had multiple accounts on different chat sites where by he would swap dirty pictures with other women. (many of these pictures were still on his devices) As far as I know, this all took place before we were together and he admitted that he was in a very dark place back then...I didn't think that he was that kinda guy, but I put it behind me as best I could. The thought of it though always lingers in the back of my mind. He would also be very secretive with his stuff, it felt like he was trying to keep me from seeing what he was busy with on his phone. Constant message alert tones going off until I asked him about it. He would say that it was family or work. I cannot be sure because his phone was literally in his hand everywhere he would go. He never left it unattended. He once even had it IN the shower with him????. I decided to confront him about this. He came "clean" telling me that he has been alone for so long (before me he was single for 4 years) that he has some form of addiction to porn and was looking at it at any opportunity he could including pleasuring himself to porn whenever I am not around. I was really glad that he was truthful with me about it. I told him that I am not ok with this considering his past behaviors priory to being with me and tried to make him realize that he is no longer single. He said that he would stop doing it, which as far as I know, he has. He now leaves his phone unattended. But it doesn't help that he has 2 cellphones (one for work and one personal) and 2 tablets (one for work and one personal), 5 email addresses (of which 3 he says he no longer uses..that they are old ones he used to use) a laptop and a pc...of which I only have access to his pc and one email address. This makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. He tells me to this day that he doesn't do those things anymore and I'm really trying to trust him on this....I just need advice, someone else's perspective on this scenario because I really don't want to lose him. He is a great guy and I know he loves me, but there is this nagging feeling that he is still up to no good.......Please help me. (Please note that we live together) Thank you
tayriley Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 3 THINGS- 1) how did you find out about him being on these chat sites? did he tell you up front or did you see it on one of his devices and confront him? 2) are you uncomfortable about him watching porn in general, or only the chat sites where he talks/exchanges pix with real women? 3) have you been cheated on in the past? would you say you are a paranoid or jealous person? i'm trying to gauge if your gut feeling is on point. normally people say 'follow your gut'...but if you've been cheated on before or are in general a distrusting person, your gut may be sending you the wrong signals. do you know if he has cheated in the past? past behavior is a very good indication of present and future behavior. yes, people change, but never for someone else. they change when THEY want to. not when others want them to. i'm not sure what your stance on porn is. it's my belief that it's necessary for most people (not just guys) to get off quickly when they feel the urge. however, if he is chatting to women and exchanging pix with them, that goes beyond porn. to me, that is emotional cheating. is there a reason you are living with him only 8 months into the relationship? is it a financial thing? anyway, please do not let that deter you from leaving him if he turns out to be a cheater. do not wait for him to change. it won't happen.
joseb Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 I wasn't sure from your post if you are worried that he is chatting with people/swapping pics and not telling you, or you are worried about his porn addiction. The first is worse, as yes, I'd call that cheating. But to address the second, no healthy person actually *needs* porn to get off, if you can't get off without it it usually means something is wrong (and often that something is, surprise surprise, porn addiction) So an addiction is not ideal either. How is your sex life? 1
Author Wild88 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 1. Yes, I saw it on his device. I confronted him immediately and he told me that he used to do the chat thing before we met because he was lonely. He told me that he feels ashamed of it. 2. I am extremely uncomfortable with the chatting with other women thing. For me, that would be a deal breaker. The port thing, in all honesty, I really don't like it..It kinda makes me feel second best to him...and the fact that he kept it from me for so long. He said himself that he thinks it's a bit of an addiction. 3.Yes, I have been cheated on multiple times..I am extremely paranoid about it. One of the reasons why I reached out to find someone else's perspective on the situation. I don't want to through everything away because of the fact that I am paranoid. I am also a jealous person...due to these reasons. As far as I know, he hasn't cheated on any of his previous partners. Regarding the living arrangement, we have known each other for a long time and considering things were getting serious between us we decided that it would be a good idea. And we do really well together. We never fight or argue. The relationship is perfect besides these few things I've mentioned. I'm more worried about him chatting and swapping pictures with other women. And yes, we have a really good sex life. 4-5 times a week easily. I guess what I was trying to achieve here is to distinguish if it's just me that's being paranoid...even though he has done some things...could it be possible that he is truly trying to be honest and loving towards me.
Author Wild88 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Sorry for the spelling, I'm on my mobile at the moment.
Larryville Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 I found out that he had multiple accounts on different chat sites where by he would swap dirty pictures with other women. (many of these pictures were still on his devices) I am extremely uncomfortable with the chatting with other women thing. For me, that would be a deal breaker I never understand why people never discuss things like “deal breakers.” What is more important is that when someone exhibits “deal breaker” behaviors in a relationship don’t then decide well maybe it is not that bad. Don’t just consider what you know, consider what you don’t know about him. Swapping dirty pic crap is just the tip of the iceberg. we have a really good sex life. 4-5 times a week easily. I know some may disagree but “screwing” 4-5 times a week is NOT proof of a good sex life…. Unless just screwing is all that is important.
Author Wild88 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Well yes, it is a deal breaker. Which we have discussed. Like I said, those going ons were before we were together. I know this because of the times and dates. He stopped 3 months before we started dating officially. I am aware that there might be a lot that I don't know. Perhaps it's stuff that I don't need to know? Who knows? Regarding the sex life...We don't just screw for the sake of screwing. It's not like that. And I can understand what you are saying...anybody could be screwing 4-5 times a week just because....but it's not just screwing.
Author Wild88 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 Essentially, it would be a deal breaker within the relationship. The fact that he did that before we were together is not something I can now terminate the relationship because of. If he were to do that now, then yes...It would be a deal breaker. Which I have made him aware of. So this will bring me back to my original post...where by...I am concerned that there could be a chance of him doing this. I just wanted a different perspective on the situation...considering I am paranoid about it and don't want to make a stupid decision based on my paranoia.
joseb Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Well. Given that the porn pic swapping was before you met, then I think you need to forget about that if he us no longer doing this.
Buddhist Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Hes a great guy. Hes very attentive. Hes selfless and understanding. Hes selfless and always gives me support wherever I need it. But it doesn't help that he has 2 cellphones (one for work and one personal) and 2 tablets (one for work and one personal), 5 email addresses (of which 3 he says he no longer uses..that they are old ones he used to use) a laptop and a pc...of which I only have access to his pc and one email address. This makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. but there is this nagging feeling that he is still up to no good.......Please help me. (Please note that we live together) Well who knows why he has 2 phones, 5 email addresses and several tablets. I mean really. There could be any number of reasons and all of them are just conjecture at this point. You've been in this relationship for 8 months with a man you clearly do not trust. That's the only thing with certainty that we randoms on the inter webs can say based on what you tell us. What is the solution for you? For him to have 1 phone, 1 tablet, 1 email address and for you to have access to all of them to continually assure yourself that you can and should trust this man? Let me tell you something, if he is going to betray you, he will do it regardless of how much assurance and control you think you have in the relationship. He could get rid of all these things that bother you and I can guarantee that you will still not trust him. Because the issue is......you don't trust him. Now why you don't trust him is anyone's guess. It could be your intuition telling you something you need to hear. It could be fear projections triggering you over nothing. Only you can tell. The best way is to listen to your body, not listen to his words. Your body never lies. If you feel anxious, fearful, have heat in your chest, and get pangs when his phone signals perhaps you should listen to that. So many times in the past I have ignored my body and found out in the end it was right.
Author Wild88 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Well. Given that the porn pic swapping was before you met, then I think you need to forget about that if he us no longer doing this. And this is what I would like to do. I just feel paranoid. Because I am no stranger to being cheated on. But I feel it is unfair to paint him with the same brush considering I have found no hardcore evidence to prove him otherwise. Thank you very much for your response.
Author Wild88 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Well who knows why he has 2 phones, 5 email addresses and several tablets. I mean really. There could be any number of reasons and all of them are just conjecture at this point. You've been in this relationship for 8 months with a man you clearly do not trust. That's the only thing with certainty that we randoms on the inter webs can say based on what you tell us. What is the solution for you? For him to have 1 phone, 1 tablet, 1 email address and for you to have access to all of them to continually assure yourself that you can and should trust this man? Let me tell you something, if he is going to betray you, he will do it regardless of how much assurance and control you think you have in the relationship. He could get rid of all these things that bother you and I can guarantee that you will still not trust him. Because the issue is......you don't trust him. Now why you don't trust him is anyone's guess. It could be your intuition telling you something you need to hear. It could be fear projections triggering you over nothing. Only you can tell. The best way is to listen to your body, not listen to his words. Your body never lies. If you feel anxious, fearful, have heat in your chest, and get pangs when his phone signals perhaps you should listen to that. So many times in the past I have ignored my body and found out in the end it was right. Ok, I see your point. It wouldn't matter how many devices etc. He has it wouldn't stop him from cheating if that's truly what he wants to do. Point taken. Lile I said previously...perhaps I'm just scarred from previous relationships, maybe that's why I feel this way. He has tried to be more open with me to reassure me I guess. The thing is, it's my thoughts that are making me feel unsure...especially when he is not with me because I have time to analyse everything. But when we are together I truly feel secure....Other than the alert tones going off. I usually ask him who it is....as he knows how I feel because I have communicated my insecurities with him...and he will tell me who it is. He really does try reassure me that he isn't doing anything behind my back...but I still feel paranoid. I don't know...maybe there is something wrong with me.
Author Wild88 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Well. Given that the porn pic swapping was before you met, then I think you need to forget about that if he us no longer doing this. The porn thing was during our relationship, it was the pic swapping that occurred before we were together.
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 You are coming out of an abusive relationship, you've been cheated on several times, I would think the next man you pick is cleaner than this no? Why did you pick a man with several phones, several email accounts, several tablets, really? Find yourself a man that gives you NO reasons what so ever to be worried about him. The thing with women that have been cheated on and from abusive past is that we forget that normal men and normal relationships exist. We think it's normal to check up our bf's phone, it's normal if they chat with other women, and all men must be doing this. No they are not all like this. No it's not a normal relationship pattern. You know that feeling deep down your gut, that uneasy feeling eating at you, the anxiety, the worries that something is up? When a man makes you feel like this you dump him. 1
Larryville Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 This piece kinda touches on what G talks about. There are a lot of women here that should take a peek at this: The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men | Thought Catalog
Author Wild88 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Why did you pick a man with several phones, several email accounts, several tablets, really? Find yourself a man that gives you NO reasons what so ever to be worried about him. Unfortunately, I did not know about all of this before we got together. Thank you very much for your response. I truly appreciate it.
Author Wild88 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 This piece kinda touches on what G talks about. There are a lot of women here that should take a peek at this: The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men | Thought Catalog thank you very much for the article and your response.
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