Small communication issue

[Dingo777]

Hi my gf and i are up to about 7 months together

 

Theres been about 7 breakups along the journey due to disagreements or whatever... 2 highly opinionated people

 

We only fight online and when we are apart for some reason. when together we are generally fine and at peace

 

Anyways my question is a facebook issue. From all our fights and splits theres the constant defriending blocking game that always arises after little fights

 

At the moment we're not friends on fb but we're spending lots of quality time together. Anyways for her its important to be friends on fb but im tired of the whole merry go round and being thrown out like im garbage and our social media friendship being used as a weapon to hurt each other

 

So im currently quite turned off by adding her again as i simply will be just counting the days till she'll delete & block me once again, just cos we hav a different opinion on something.

 

Most of all i really hate how facebook provides "last active" tool and somedays i feel like we spend more time checking each others "last active" status than we do communicating

 

Last breakup we went 4 days without contact then when i did say hello i got blocked and defriended for no specific reason except the fact she was having a bad day with her mother.

 

So im reluctant to accept her friend request once again despite how much i care about her

 

I dont know how to tell her how i feel in this scenario im not ready for another defriending episode and i think we do better as a couple when we're not checking each others last active status

 

I dont know how to explain to her these feelings and i expect that any way i try to express it that she'll get histerical and i will unintentionally hurt her feelings & break up number 8 between us will occur...

 

Any help as to how i can approach this? To explain this gently to her? Thanks in advance for any help

[burnt]

I dont know how to explain to her these feelings and i expect that any way i try to express it that she'll get histerical and i will unintentionally hurt her feelings & break up number 8 between us will occur...

 

7 breakups in 7 months; now you're AFRAID that if you speak out your concerns that she will execute "dump #8". And these "block you" "unfriend you" are all for having different opinions?

 

How old is she? I remember us girls doing things like that when we were in 2nd grade.

 

Q: So how do you explain your concerns to her?

A: Like a normal person. Speak. Directly, concisely, and clearly. If she is not mature enough to handle that, teaching her to grow up or teaching her the meaning of "communication in a relationship" is not your job. Then, end this relationship.

[mikeylo]

Lmao! When you guys are celebrate break anniversary ( 12 break ups in 12 months !) , over candle light dinner , try talking about this minor issue

[d0nnivain]

This isn't a little communication's issue. DH & I have been married for almost 8 years together for 10. We haven't broken up once & we've had fewer then 7 major fights, one of which did result in us unfriending each other on FB for about 2 weeks because that was the crux of the fight. We are also both incredibly opinionated & stubborn people. However, because we know that about ourselves & each other we learned to disagree without being disagreeable. Try it. But for now understand that your relationship is highly dysfunctional & you both completely lack conflict resolution skills.

[LostOnes05]

A little communication issue?! More like you need to get divorced and you're not even married yet!! I'd end this relationship because it is going nowhere fast!

[smackie9]

This is an unhealthy relationship....when it has always been this bad, it's time to get out. You two don't get along and nothing is going to change.

[Dingo777]

haha thanks for everyones replies

 

there certainly is a difficultly when we disagree, we both admit that, we seem to go into attack mode, extreme furious hostility, on tangents where no one will back down on their opinion

 

i find feelings of "wanting to detach" immediately and want to throw her away and she is very much exactly the same mentality

 

however we are not verbally abusive, its just inner-anger

 

i dont think just because 2 people who generally have terrific time together, should break up, because they dont have conflict resolution skills, that would be a bit silly

 

in any future relationships, i still wont have those skills and neither will she

 

we are actually both 2 people who were brought up by single parents who were both alcoholics, she was brought up by her mother only, and I by my father only.... they both created dysfunctional upbringings to us as children. so its an interesting match

 

i just dont want the whole "last active" facebook information in our relationship right now. It is spying on each other, when that energy should instead just be going towards saying a simple "hello" to each other instead

 

being friends on facebook means expecting a de-friending and blocking anytime soon and im sick of that heartache, even though it may be me who makes that move

[TheTraveler]

If she sent a FB friend request I would accept it. But, I would not follow her. You can check up on her when you want.

[sagetalk]

Theres been about 7 breakups along the journey due to disagreements or whatever... 2 highly opinionated people

 

We only fight online and when we are apart for some reason. when together we are generally fine and at peace

 

 

That is not a small problem. It sounds like you act fake around each other in person, then act real when talking online. You both need to reverse that behavior.

[Dingo777]

breakup number 8 has occurred. little miss pathetic has had a bad morning cos her doctor refused to give her a pussy test and she got a electricity bill in the mail

 

so ive copped it once again, ive been blocked on facebook by her - because im required to feel the pain she is in - so she is deliberately trying to hurt me so she can feel better at my expense

 

this is exactly why i wouldnt add her as a friend on facebook anymore

 

using her social media as some weapon to hurt me, oh know im blocked! again! geeze didnt see that coming.... wow im so hurt phht

 

let us list the pathetic 8 reasons why weve broken up over the last 7 months....

 

# i didnt suffice in our chat about tinder - Broke Up unfriended & blocked

# i didnt reply to her message for an hour - Broke Up unfriended & blocked

 

# i didnt respond to her thoroughly whilst she was up busy drinking in 500 miles away in some country town - Broke Up unfriended & blocked

 

# i wasnt there, whilst she was having hostile mortgage arguments with her ex husband - Broke Up unfriended & blocked

 

# i didnt ejaculate in her vagina & i pulled out for fun/variety - Broke Up unfriended & blocked

 

# i didnt go to her house and wait for her whilst she was out with friends at a football game - Broke Up unfriended & blocked

 

# i didnt consider bringing a chicken over to her house for dinner - Break Up Pending

 

# her doctor refused a vagina test & her electricity bill came in the mail - broke up & blocked - no chance to unfriend me because i refused to friend her in the first place

pathetic - a brain of a 12 year old, in a 37 year old woman

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, but both her behavior and what you've written in your post sound absolutely ridiculous. It sounds like you both need to grow up and learn to treat another person with respect.

[Versacehottie]

oh wow. ok, I have three things to say:

 

*congratulations about not adding her as a friend again. I think that is a great step. If, for some reason, you get back together, I don't think you guys should ever be friends on FB again. it's not necessary if you are dating anyway and it's just a source of where she can humiliate you to everyone else that you both know. Plus FB usually causes drama in more normal relationships at some point. So drop that as a place where you are friends. Just tell her if you get back together you won't be friending her or accepting her friend request because it's unnecessary.

 

*If you keep getting BLOCKED, how do you eventually get back together? I am assuming blocked everywhere, or is that not the case?

 

*i do agree with you OP about neither of you has great coping skills that you would still go into the next relationship without them. Two things to consider about that though. Maybe she is not the best one to practice with. The two of you might just be too volatile together (it seems like it based on 8 for 8). In some ways it's best to seek out the person who brings out the best in you, who would motivate you to learn coping skills and apply them. Not sure that this is the case or ever would be with her. Do you think if you knew better coping skills tonight that using them on your end would promote resolution and lead to her meeting you halfway?

[Dingo777]

Hiya guys thanks for taking the time to reply

 

yes after the previous 7 times of being blocked & deleted, you can understand my refusal to add her again on FB

 

the typical moronic behavior has occurred again and this is exactly why she never got my FB friendship for the 8th time

 

can you imagine ever throwing your loved ones in the garbage because the doctor didnt provide what you went there for and then because your electricity bill came in the mail?

 

does a bad mood qualify anyone to mistreat & throw away those closest to them? imagine doing this to your kids or husband

 

how dare anybody treat people in this way. i didnt sign on for this

 

ive had it. sharing myself with a person who'll happily stick knives in their loved ones for no particular reason is outrageous.

 

shes on her own now

 

i might be guilty of being unable to explain verbally why i cant add her on fb, but these continual childish measures by her get what they deserve... zero relationship.

 

note: further contact from previous breakups is made via emailing, should i block her there too and move on?

Edited June 8, 2016 by Dingo777

[Zippy2000]

Face it. This isnt going to work. In another 7 months there be anotehr 7 break up and countless add, blocking and deleting from FB all over again.

 

 

Why waste time on her. You only get one chance in life and there is no dress rehearsal. Hang out with people who accept you for who you are and stop wasting energy and time on someone that who is not right for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Neither of you has any clue what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

Forget about her.

 

Focus on why you engaged in this drama so long. And then never do it again.

[thelastunicorn]

Why aren't you able to settle disputes by actually talking to each other? I imagine some of these occur purely because you're depending on messages that can easily be misread and don't convey your tone at all.

 

It sounds like you both aren't aware of what a healthy relationship should be like and have some maturing to do. I would think back to arguments and see how you helped them escalate and what are some things you could do in your next relationship to avoid this issue. In my experience one person enjoys the drama and typically has had major issues with most of their relationships and the other person is just frustrated with the situation and wouldn't have as much conflict with a different partner. It seems like you're the latter.

[burnt]

Neither of you has any clue what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

Forget about her.

 

Focus on why you engaged in this drama so long. And then never do it again.

 

^^ Excellent point above; and I'd like to add a note to this comment.

 

She is who she is--for whatever reason. Don't expect her to change.

It is really important for YOU to question why despite recognizing the unhealthy nature of this relationship and her repeated irrational behavior, you still continue to be with her.

 

I'm making this statement as an observation, not as a criticism--I hope you can recognize that.

 

I am near the end of a very toxic and emotionally dysfunctional relationship; but more than recognizing that the relationship is toxic, what I have learned is that there's a tremendous amount of introspection that was/is necessary to examine WHY I got myself involved in this in the first place. It's more important to see what I can learn about myself than what I can learn about the person who clearly is not right for me.

 

So, OP, here's what you should take away:

 

1. Thank God for breakup #8; write a letter/email and contact her to tell her that you have had enough and that it is a PERMANENT goodbye and give her the chance to say her final goodbye and initiate a FOREVER NO CONTACT and do NOT look back no matter what she says or does from here on.

 

2. Spend some time alone and hopefully with the help of a therapist, start looking into your own thoughts/emotions/behavior that led you to this sort of toxic partnership and see what you can learn about yourself.

[mikeylo]

Since one break up is pending ( over chicken ), so it makes only 7 in 8 months, lol. You still have one month of no break up , isn't that a big achievement?

 

I guess, you both are at same level, on all aspects that's why have managed to continue for so long.

[katiegrl]

O M G .....you refer to her as "little miss pathetic" and "moronic", several times!

 

Okay I contend she is those things but why do YOU stay? Do you even like her?

 

No man in love with a woman would ever refer to his gf in this way.... no matter how many fights they've had. Never ever.

 

So that's on you dude ..... not her.

 

I am not gonna trash her cuz she is not here ... and YOU are the one posting.

 

What the **** is wrong with YOU??

 

Choosing to stay with a woman so clearly emotionally stunted? What does this say about you? Not good. And again, that's on YOU.

 

Is it the sex, is that it? Is it really worth all this emotional sturm and drang and franky BS?

 

This isn't about lack of conflict resolution skills. This is about all the conflict!

 

This *relationship* is ridiculous. Beyond dysfunctional. 100% toxic!

 

Nevermind FB, you need to block her from your life!

 

And if you don't, again that's on YOU and you have no one to blame but yourself if you continue getting hurt....

 

Is this your first relationship? Do you not realize that this is not how it's supposed to down?

 

[shaking head]

Edited June 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

 

how dare anybody treat people in this way. i didnt sign on for this

 

 

Yes you did sign for this, 7 times may I remind you.

 

You shouldn't spend so much time trying to figure out why she does this but instead try to figure out why you go back to this over and over and over again.

 

You are as dysfunctional as she is. YOU willingly participate in her crazy little circus. Why? that should be your question.

[Dingo777]

wow some fantastic replies i truly appreciate you all taking the time to provide some perspective. its fantastic especially being a person with no elders in my life your contributions are immensely fulfilling

 

im not out to decimate this person either. when spending time together it is generally highly enjoyable. then during the week when i go home, she becomes this remote monster out to maliciously cull everything we have thats good together without hesitation. proof of that is listed in the 8 breakups - they all occurred when we were apart

 

anyways that has been explained, and youre on the money that she is likely "emotionally stunted" and "pouts" when doesnt get her way

 

i have continually returned to her on previous occasions because i have treasured the good times and missed her when apart/seperated. But as stated this person is who she is for whatever reason and WILL not change. I had hoped to see maturity but obviously WILL never occur.

 

u can only forgive someone so many times & this time there will be no forgiveness. Let it be noted there has not been a single apology for any previous breakup discrepancies which i listed, the word sorry is not in her vocabulary which also highlights emotional immaturity.

 

May it also be said that i am not perfect and i am flawed too with emotions but i am quite stoic and resilient to not let such little things disturb me. Hopefully next time i can find a grown up and not waste my time being polluted by ridiculous immature adults

 

thanks for everyones help - Loveshack forum excels again

Edited June 9, 2016 by Dingo777

[Dingo777]

An old thread but a new chapter in the story

 

So i let her go for 2 months june to august she eventually sneaks her way back in actually apologises i refer her to this whole thread an she becomes full of remorse calls herself an arsehole

 

Ever since she has been super amazing mature and actually warm 6 weeks of a real person. Unfortunately for her i hav not been comfortable to add her as a facebook friend but shes been patient and tolerable about it

 

Yesterday however she decides its shake day with no eating. By afternoon shes making collages of our recent beach trip posting on her facebook and all her friends are bugging her.... whos this guy whos this guy.... cos she cant tag me in pics so her friends cant stalk me

 

So she goes to me she tired of not being fb friends... so i said im close to adding her but im not quite ready

 

Well enter demon monster psychosis - ive copped irrational demon abuse ever since she terminated the relationship and packed all my stuff from her home and dumped it on the street. Threatening me to come get it all before its gone

 

Hows the manipulation here. The pouting and the tantrums. Oh my god. A loved one says im not ready just yet and look what becomes of those who claim to care

 

Should i call out an emergency doctor to her home to see if shes ok?

 

How sick facebook is making the world. A stupid website ruling over loved ones peoples lives

[Versacehottie]

I'm pretty anti-FB, so no arguments there. That said, FB has brought many couples together as well as driven some apart. Maybe the real question you should have, is why you guys apart? In other words, I just think it's a symptom or by-product of a non working relationship. I mean, you cannot be completely surprised that there has been another tantrum and breakup, can you?

 

She may be explosive, manic, immature, etc but reading between the lines of how you speak ABOUT her, your side of street doesn't look clean either. It's dysfunctional, face the facts

[Redhead14]

Hi my gf and i are up to about 7 months together

 

Theres been about 7 breakups along the journey due to disagreements or whatever... 2 highly opinionated people

 

We only fight online and when we are apart for some reason. when together we are generally fine and at peace

 

Anyways my question is a facebook issue. From all our fights and splits theres the constant defriending blocking game that always arises after little fights

 

At the moment we're not friends on fb but we're spending lots of quality time together. Anyways for her its important to be friends on fb but im tired of the whole merry go round and being thrown out like im garbage and our social media friendship being used as a weapon to hurt each other

 

So im currently quite turned off by adding her again as i simply will be just counting the days till she'll delete & block me once again, just cos we hav a different opinion on something.

 

Most of all i really hate how facebook provides "last active" tool and somedays i feel like we spend more time checking each others "last active" status than we do communicating

 

Last breakup we went 4 days without contact then when i did say hello i got blocked and defriended for no specific reason except the fact she was having a bad day with her mother.

 

So im reluctant to accept her friend request once again despite how much i care about her

 

I dont know how to tell her how i feel in this scenario im not ready for another defriending episode and i think we do better as a couple when we're not checking each others last active status

 

I dont know how to explain to her these feelings and i expect that any way i try to express it that she'll get histerical and i will unintentionally hurt her feelings & break up number 8 between us will occur...

 

Any help as to how i can approach this? To explain this gently to her? Thanks in advance for any help

 

After 7 times, it's time to stop being gentle . . . tell her to grow up. In fact, I would simply tell her that you refuse to live your "lives" on FB and that you intend to keep her blocked from your page and that you will no longer communicate via FB with her. If there is something important to be discussed, you will do it in person or via phone the way grown ups handle conflict. If she isn't agreeable to that, then you end it because you two aren't FaceBook compatible . . . geez, now there's another area to make dating and having a relationship next to impossible. It's complete and utter Bullsh*****t. FaceBook arguments . . . god almighty.

[Gaeta]

An old thread but a new chapter in the story

 

So i let her go for 2 months june to august she eventually sneaks her way back in actually apologises i refer her to this whole thread an she becomes full of remorse calls herself an arsehole

 

Ever since she has been super amazing mature and actually warm 6 weeks of a real person. Unfortunately for her i hav not been comfortable to add her as a facebook friend but shes been patient and tolerable about it

 

Yesterday however she decides its shake day with no eating. By afternoon shes making collages of our recent beach trip posting on her facebook and all her friends are bugging her.... whos this guy whos this guy.... cos she cant tag me in pics so her friends cant stalk me

 

So she goes to me she tired of not being fb friends... so i said im close to adding her but im not quite ready

 

Well enter demon monster psychosis - ive copped irrational demon abuse ever since she terminated the relationship and packed all my stuff from her home and dumped it on the street. Threatening me to come get it all before its gone

 

Hows the manipulation here. The pouting and the tantrums. Oh my god. A loved one says im not ready just yet and look what becomes of those who claim to care

 

Should i call out an emergency doctor to her home to see if shes ok?

 

How sick facebook is making the world. A stupid website ruling over loved ones peoples lives

 

So you are signing for this for an 8th time.

 

You know how pathetic you sound?

 

People must be rolling their eyes when you talk about again all this drama she injects in your life.