Author KathL Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 Wow. OP went from being all "pinch me..." to trying to figure out the words to break it off with him in less than 8 hours. Good job Loveshack. She's only had one date with the guy and you slammed this puppy into the side of the mountain. OP: why don't you stop posting here and work on scheduling date #2 before you decide to end this. I have already taken the initiative to fly to spend a weekend with him. I have to now let the guy to take the lead and initiate another date with me if he is serious 1
Mrin Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 So should I start dating other guys at the mean time? I thought you had agreed to be exclusive. Why would you do this? Why ever agree to anything if you're not going to keep your word? 3
kidm Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 (edited) Thanks :( In fact, I would not buy tickets to spend another weekend with him. I would let him do his part, if he is serious. So should I start dating other guys at the mean time? I think that's a good approach. Let him do his part and focus on his actions. He should be offering to fly to see you and when he does visit, there should be more than "netflix and chill." He will either step up to the plate and things will blossom or you'll realize he's not the man for you and you can move on. In the meantime, I would start dating other guys as I don't think he has proven himself worthy of exclusivity yet. Don't limit your options for someone you think is not showing that much interest in you or you can decide to give this premature exclusivity a specific amount of time for things to blossom and then move on after that, if need be. Edited May 30, 2016 by kidm typo 1
Author KathL Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 No course you don't tell him you don't sense he is all that attracted to you. You pay attention to his actions, and if he is not acting like a man who is 100% attracted to you .. you walk away. Look you already said you don't sense he is all that into you.... but yet he did not hesitate to have sex with you, and suggests exclusivity? What am I missing? A confident woman does not settle for less than what she deserves and what she deserves is, at the very least, a man who is attracted to her... and knows how to show it. To reply to your third paragraph.. maybe because I am physically attractive? Or maybe because he wants to put in least effort to reap a willing candidate that is drama-free who plays by his conditions and I happen to fit the bills?
katiegrl Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 (edited) To reply to your third paragraph.. maybe because I am physically attractive? Or maybe because he wants to put in least effort to reap a willing candidate that is drama-free who plays by his conditions and I happen to fit the bills? I AGREE. Is that enough for you? Or okay with you? That he thinks you are hot and easy? Rhetorical question no need to answer... You know what to do (let HIM pursue) and are planning to do it, so that's good. Hope it works out for ya, I mean that! Edited May 30, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 In the meantime, I would start dating other guys as I don't think he has proven himself worthy of exclusivity yet. Don't limit your options for someone you think is not showing that much interest in you or you can decide to give this premature exclusivity a specific amount of time for things to blossom and then move on after that, if need be. That would be breaking an agreement. An important agreement - sexual exclusivity agreement. If she agreed to exclusivity then she needs to un-agree it with him. 1
kidm Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 That would be breaking an agreement. An important agreement - sexual exclusivity agreement. If she agreed to exclusivity then she needs to un-agree it with him. I gave her both options- date others (and she can let him know) or honor the agreement. Dating others doesn't mean sleeping with them. 1
sagetalk Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Esp because he is such a good catch (I could never believe my luck after knowing how accomplished he is, although I am doing well professionally either) At this point, what else should I do other than getting to know each other better with no rush? You do not yet know if he is a good catch or not, that I can promise you. It's way too early. Doctors can cheat on you, beat you, oppress you, control you, manipulate you, like any other rotten catch can. Find out who he is as a person, not who he is as a professional. Since you met on Tinder, do you even know if he really is a doctor? Medical doctors are not the only kind of doctors, there doctorates in English as well.
frus69 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Why cant you be exclusive after 1st date? He just means exclusive dating, no? I don't multi-date so I always exclusively date one person, after one date. Or do you mean become exclusive BF/GF after one date? That is rare and needs caution but not impossible. 2
basil67 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Yes. There are several concerns - you spent 24 hours together and has sex on first date. WAY to fast with no healthy boundaries. And, it's not normal to be exclusive after first date. Don't get ahead of yourself, this has "it's not going to last" all over it. And yet this sums up how I met my husband. OP, I don't think that being exclusive is a problem. Being exclusive isn't about a promise of a relationship - it's simply an agreement to not sleep around. I can't see how this is bad. 1
tinkerbell16 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 You do not yet know if he is a good catch or not, that I can promise you. It's way too early. Doctors can cheat on you, beat you, oppress you, control you, manipulate you, like any other rotten catch can. Find out who he is as a person, not who he is as a professional. Since you met on Tinder, do you even know if he really is a doctor? Medical doctors are not the only kind of doctors, there doctorates in English as well. Add to it they know girls get all googly eyed "he's a doctor" (eyelash bats) They can eat ego kibble at every turn... he is likely used to not putting ANY effort into a relationship. Don't expect this one to be different. If you start tp require an ounce of respect uhem... I mean effort on his part be prepared to be next ed and labeled just like the other short term "drama" ridden women he cycles through.
katiegrl Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 (edited) Add to it they know girls get all googly eyed "he's a doctor" (eyelash bats) They can eat ego kibble at every turn... he is likely used to not putting ANY effort into a relationship. Don't expect this one to be different. If you start tp require an ounce of respect uhem... I mean effort on his part be prepared to be next ed and labeled just like the other short term "drama" ridden women he cycles through. The irony is he is not even a practicing doctor, he works in corporate! I have a nursing degree but am not a practicing nurse, I am a legal assistant/paralegal. And just because I have a nursing degree, I would never refer to myself as a nurse... The fact he refers to himself as a doctor on tinder even though he actually works in corporate indicates to me he is out to impress. He sounds disingenuous but hey OP was (is) impressed as it was the first thing she mentioned in her original post, so perhaps they are two peas in a pod and it will work out! Edited May 31, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Author KathL Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 The irony is he is not even a practicing doctor, he works in corporate! I have a nursing degree but am not a practicing nurse, I am a legal assistant/paralegal. And just because I have a nursing degree, I would never refer to myself as a nurse... The fact he refers to himself as a doctor on tinder even though he actually works in corporate indicates to me he is out to impress. He sounds disingenuous but hey OP was (is) impressed as it was the first thing she mentioned in her original post, so perhaps they are two peas in a pod and it will work out! To his defense, he never mentioned anything about being a doctor while on Tinder. I found that out on my own and he did practise medicine a few years before he joined corporate. I don't get why people get so hung up on his profession or title I used to refer him. Its true that I was very much impressed with his profession, like how lucky it was to have a hot doctor as a date or boyfriend because thing like that doesn't happen all the time but my occupation is rarer and equally if not more impressive, if anything.
katiegrl Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 To his defense, he never mentioned anything about being a doctor while on Tinder. I found that out on my own and he did practise medicine a few years before he joined corporate. I don't get why people get so hung up on his profession or title I used to refer him. Its true that I was very much impressed with his profession, like how lucky it was to have a hot doctor as a date or boyfriend because thing like that doesn't happen all the time but my occupation is rarer and equally if not more impressive, if anything. First paragraph ......okay fair enough, apologies. Have you heard from him at all?
VeveCakes Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 (edited) Just because someone has a good job doesn't mean they are a good catch! Edited: I see this was already mentioned so I'll add more. I had a first date recently that broke all the rules, it was at my house, he stayed over, we slept together, etc etc. We spent 4 days apart then two more together. Now we talk more, have established we are exclusive, and arranged our next time together (he works away for two weeks home for one). If your date had brought you closer I would say it was fine, but communication has dropped. Have you planned your next hang out? Talk about the future hang outs? If not, I say take a step back and see his actions. Edited May 31, 2016 by VeveCakes 1
Jersey born raised Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 What has happen since feb when you couldn't be monogamous and today?
Author KathL Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 What has happen since feb when you couldn't be monogamous and today? Oh the new guy and I both talked about it, agreed that humans aren't meant to be monogamous.. and came up with ways to cope with it.. that's why I said we are compatible in views and wanted the same things..
RecentChange Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Just curious.. . So if you are someone that monogamy can be a struggle for (no judgement there, I am in the same boat) - it seems like declaring exclusivity - LONG DISTANCE - immediate exclusivity no less..... would be a struggle no? How often are you planning to see each other? What coping mechanism have you set up? Personally, I have a hard time being monogamous unless I am head over heels, just CRAZY about someone. The chemistry has to be at a very very high level for me to think "okay, yes! Only him". So.....what's the plan there? Long distance monogamy? 2
Author KathL Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 (edited) Just curious.. . So if you are someone that monogamy can be a struggle for (no judgement there, I am in the same boat) - it seems like declaring exclusivity - LONG DISTANCE - immediate exclusivity no less..... would be a struggle no? How often are you planning to see each other? What coping mechanism have you set up? Personally, I have a hard time being monogamous unless I am head over heels, just CRAZY about someone. The chemistry has to be at a very very high level for me to think "okay, yes! Only him". So.....what's the plan there? Long distance monogamy? Truthfully, I have been through a lot over past half to one year, from breaking up with my ex whom I cheated on, trying threesomes and swinging, casually dating guys (which usually turned into ONS or FWB) to lastly, dropping MM whom I had had a PA with. Its rather safe to say those days of being promiscuous are over (for the time being) and I think I have figured out what I am looking for. Then this guy showed up at just about the right time - proposing us to be exclusive, focusing on each other with no dating or sleeping around with others to see where this brings us. And if it works, since we both aren't monogamous in nature, we would "explore" our fantasies together. He emphasized on strictly no cheating or doing anything behind each other's back, which is fine by me as I have got it out of my system. To be honest, this sounds just like a perfect deal for me - a honest and sustainable partnership, if it works. Gone are those days where I have to lie or cheat to get my needs met, now we could do it together. Now, the tricky part is we are in long distance - we haven't even discussed how often we are going to set up dates etc but I guess I will give it a period of time to see how it goes (on how much efforts he is willing to put in). I had been with my MM where the chemistry was crazy and everything else was amazing but it's not going anywhere.. but now, I have this single guy who shares the same views on pretty much everything, so I am willing to put my doubts and fears (that the chemistry isn't strong, he isn't that crazy about me, he could be emotionally unavailable) aside to give this a try. Edited June 1, 2016 by KathL add-on
Tressugar Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 @ KathL I applaud you being attuned to the openness of your sexuality. My question to you have you been afraid to catch an STD or be exposed to one? I would luv to be sexually open as you described, but that fear holds me back.
Recommended Posts