Exclusivity after 1st date.. too good to be true?

May 30, 2016

Met the guy on Tinder. He is 35 y/o, a doctor. We exchanged numbers and have since then been chatting on whatsapp.

Initially, I thought he just wanted a hook up, like every other guys. So I put him under the category of potential hook-ups. When he found that out, he told me he is seriously looking for a life partner and he saw something in me that he wished to get to know me better. But if all I wanted was a fling or ONS, he wouldn't entertain me thus proceeded to wish me all the best. Only then I realized I was too quick to jump to conclusion.

I told him that I wanted to give ourselves a chance, esp after all the clarifications when we discovered in great surprise that we are looking exactly for all the same things in a partner and partnership; are compatible in our thoughts etc. So I took the plunge, flew to meet him two weeks later as he lives in a city 2 hours away from me (which I visit often and will be transferred there one day by company). Before the meet up, we discussed about our sexual history and who we were sleeping with on the side and promised each other that we would drop them to make it work between us (I was then getting involved with a married man, which he was aware with)

We then spent 24 hours together when we finally met. It wasn't that much of a fantastic date as he was sick half the time. We did have sex (yeah on a first date) and did the normal couple things like watching movie and getting to know each other better. While the chemistry wasn't that strong between us, and neither did he lovebomb me like how a married man would do to string one along.. I am very much physically attracted to him and could see ourselves working this out.

After getting back to our normal lives, we continued texting each other albeit with a lesser frequency, with each taking turn to initiate. I started to feel insecure as I felt he wasn't that attracted to me and I didn't do enough to impress him.. so yesterday I clarified with him, if he is dating other women at the same time atm. He replied no. I was thinking if he was, then I would do the same too to keep my options open either. He then asked why would I ask that because we both have already established a deal to stay mutually exclusive before we met & he isn't someone to change his mind, not even after we met.

I know at his age, he has been through a lot - women and short term relationships to know what he wants. He did tell me that he has had enough dramas, disappointments and headaches so its a refreshing change to be with me who seems more sensible (not to mention we are up to the same kinks on the bed hehe)..

So that means exclusivity? Too good to be true, isn't it? Esp because he is such a good catch (I could never believe my luck after knowing how accomplished he is, although I am doing well professionally either)

At this point, what else should I do other than getting to know each other better with no rush?

Edited May 30, 2016 by KathL

May 30, 2016

I would be very wary of someone talking exclusivity before meeting and then you say the chemistry wasn't that strong.

It would make me wonder if he just wanted a relationship but it didn't matter too much to him who it was with.

You don't know he is a great catch. I think his employment has you swayed on that.

May 30, 2016

Yes. There are several concerns - you spent 24 hours together and has sex on first date. WAY to fast with no healthy boundaries. And, it's not normal to be exclusive after first date. Don't get ahead of yourself, this has "it's not going to last" all over it.

May 30, 2016

I would be very wary of someone talking exclusivity before meeting and then you say the chemistry wasn't that strong.
It would make me wonder if he just wanted a relationship but it didn't matter too much to him who it was with.

You don't know he is a great catch. I think his employment has you swayed on that.

Chemistry, connection and closeness are something that can be built over time. My affair with MM was full of excitement, mutual attraction and unmistakable chemistry, but see where they have got me.. so I refuse to give all these too much credits in the early stage of a relationship, esp with a single man.

True that I'm in awe that he is a doctor but I'm doing very well either.

May 30, 2016

Yes. There are several concerns - you spent 24 hours together and has sex on first date. WAY to fast with no healthy boundaries. And, it's not normal to be exclusive after first date. Don't get ahead of yourself, this has "it's not going to last" all over it.

I would rather have sex on the first date to find out how great he is on bed than wait for few more dates, only to discover he sucks and hates everything I like after investing my time and emotions etc.

What if I'm a great catch that he is certain I'm what he is looking for, thus he wastes no time on declaring exclusive?

May 30, 2016

Yes it's too good to be true. First you went way too fast. Having to disclose what you were both doing "on the side" and you admitting you were involved with a married man, but this doctor thinks you are a good catch with values compatible to his? If you are single, there isn't anything "on the side"; it's all just a choice.

You two then fall into bed together on the 1st meet & you seem to think that because you watched a movie together that was part of the getting to know you process.

I'm missing something here.

What he's offering sounds to me more like some guy who simply doesn't like to multi-date & is kind of lazy. You made things easy for him by giving immediate sex.

I suppose it could work. Stranger things have happened but all in all this doesn't sound like either of you have healthy boundaries

May 30, 2016

What if I'm a great catch that he is certain I'm what he is looking for, thus he wastes no time on declaring exclusive?

I've no doubt you are a great catch but there is absolutely no way that either of you can know that about one another at this very early stage.

May 30, 2016

RUN. RUN. Walk away and save yourself now. Similar thing here with my soon to be ex. Sex was never good, mediocre once or twice and we both said we just have to find our groove. Bs. Walk away

May 30, 2016

Yes. There are several concerns - you spent 24 hours together and has sex on first date. WAY to fast with no healthy boundaries. And, it's not normal to be exclusive after first date. Don't get ahead of yourself, this has "it's not going to last" all over it.

I don't understand why it's not normal to be exclusive after the first date. So normal people date many people at the same time? At what point is it normal to be exclusive? Right before marriage?

"I know we went on a date but I still want to date other people"

"Oh, okay, can you introduce me to your sister"

I'll say this though.

When I met my wife the first time, we had sex that very day. We talked about being exclusive that same day. Then we stayed exclusive. But our chemistry was fantastic.

We had an excellent exclusive marriage until she died.

"At this point, what else should I do other than getting to know each other better with no rush?"

I think that's the best thing you can do.

May 30, 2016

Yes it's too good to be true. First you went way too fast. Having to disclose what you were both doing "on the side" and you admitting you were involved with a married man, but this doctor thinks you are a good catch with values compatible to his? If you are single, there isn't anything "on the side"; it's all just a choice.

You two then fall into bed together on the 1st meet & you seem to think that because you watched a movie together that was part of the getting to know you process.

I'm missing something here.

What he's offering sounds to me more like some guy who simply doesn't like to multi-date & is kind of lazy. You made things easy for him by giving immediate sex.

I suppose it could work. Stranger things have happened but all in all this doesn't sound like either of you have healthy boundaries

I waited one year to have sex with my ex. Guess what? The sex was mediocre to say the least and he wouldn't listen or improve. I would want to find out at first chance I could get whether this new guy is worth investing in. Sex is important to me and there is no way I am gonna use it to hold a guy's interest. Good riddance if he gets bored and leaves.

I told him that the married man was a fwb (didn't divulge anything more than that). Similarly, he confessed that he was sleeping with a separated woman. What's there to judge each other (its like pots calling kettles black) while we were open about our past? And we did promise to drop respective fwbs and be exclusive to each other instead..

But you are probably right on him being lazy thus unwilling to waste his resources dating many women at once. So once he found me, we agreed on the terms and conditions (with me giving in easily without much haggle), he could now live with peace without having to go through the hassles and efforts searching for a willing partner. One more thing, we are currently living in different cities.. so if sex is all he cares, it simply doesn't make much sense for him to stick with one when sex is only available when I am around.

May 30, 2016

Everyone is different, but first dates are all about making the best impression and showing your best self to a potential SO. You don't see through the veneer until several weeks or months later. I would continue to communicate and see him in person as often as possible — feel him out and see how your values mesh. What are his expectations? Dating someone in medicine isn't easy even if they have their own practice. I think it's sweet you've already thought about moving to his location but it's way too early to consider that as a viable option.

May 30, 2016

I've no doubt you are a great catch but there is absolutely no way that either of you can know that about one another at this very early stage.

How about us being exclusive from the start so that we could focus on only each other to learn more about each other before calling each other boyfriend/ girlfriend? If it works, it works.. if it doesn't, then it doesn't.. rather than dating multiple people at once, then decide which one to pick from to focus on..

May 30, 2016

Everyone is different, but first dates are all about making the best impression and showing your best self to a potential SO. You don't see through the veneer until several weeks or months later. I would continue to communicate and see him in person as often as possible — feel him out and see how your values mesh. What are his expectations? Dating someone in medicine isn't easy even if they have their own practice. I think it's sweet you've already thought about moving to his location but it's way too early to consider that as a viable option.

I agree that first dates are all about making the best impression to give the woo factor to attract the potential SO. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Although I did go on casual dates with men rather regularly.. having the thought of snaring this guy badly actually backfired - I was so nervous and tired, thus ended up not presenting myself in the best light like how I would do at a job interview. Having said that, he wasn't doing any good - his illness got worsened and I got to witness how vulnerable and miserable he was. Also, he was not hiding his bad tempers and frugality.

Definitely going to see him in person more often to find out more. I guess the deal-breaker would be him not putting into much or equal efforts (yet to quantify) to make this relationship work, i.e. visit me etc since that's what we talk about..

P/S: Moving to his location has always been part of my career plan, not because of him.

May 30, 2016

Forget about the fact he is a doctor for a moment, would you still be interested after what happened if he were lets say a computer IT?

See, a person's profession does not make them a great catch. What makes them a great catch is integrity, determination, ambition, and devotion to you and your relationship. This, you know Zero about him, he is so far a stranger so hold on on qualifying him a 'good catch'.

The problem here is that by agreeing to exclusivity before meeting you took away all anticipation. The anticipation of him calling, of him inviting you out on a 2nd date and 3rd one. All this important 'dance' has been taken away. You are already granted.

I always were exclusive pretty early with my boyfriends, usually 3rd to 4th date that were spread over 3-4 weeks. It's a short period of seduction but an important one. In your case there is no build-up. You go from being strangers to flying there and spending weekends together. I am afraid it will grow old pretty fast...especially for him. He did not pursue you, he found you on a silver platter.

Let it unfold and see how it goes. I think in a very short time you will know where you both stand.

May 30, 2016

Are you sure he is even a doctor?

Amazing how many *doctors* are on Tinder.

This whole thing sounds really fishy.

I mean you admitted the chemistry was not even that great, the date in general was meh for both of you (paraphrasing), but the sex was good and now you are exclusive?

But since you retuned home, the communication has dropped.... not to mention he is two hours away.

Truth is after one date, you know absolutely nothing about this *doctor*.

I wouldn't trust anyone I met on Tinder until I had many dates, spent lots of time and he proved himself to be trustworthy.

And what the he** is a successful doctor doing on Tinder messaging women who live two hours away?

Something isn't jiving....

May 30, 2016

Forget about the fact he is a doctor for a moment, would you still be interested after what happened if he were lets say a computer IT?

See, a person's profession does not make them a great catch. What makes them a great catch is integrity, determination, ambition, and devotion to you and your relationship. This, you know Zero about him, he is so far a stranger so hold on on qualifying him a 'good catch'.

The problem here is that by agreeing to exclusivity before meeting you took away all anticipation. The anticipation of him calling, of him inviting you out on a 2nd date and 3rd one. All this important 'dance' has been taken away. You are already granted.

I always were exclusive pretty early with my boyfriends, usually 3rd to 4th date that were spread over 3-4 weeks. It's a short period of seduction but an important one. In your case there is no build-up. You go from being strangers to flying there and spending weekends together. I am afraid it will grow old pretty fast...especially for him. He did not pursue you, he found you on a silver platter.

Let it unfold and see how it goes. I think in a very short time you will know where you both stand.

Thanks. Actually, I don't have that much faith that it would last long as you have just hit the nail on the head with the bold parts :( I could tell a lack of attraction and excitement from him towards us. Not sure if that's how he has always been or because I have made it easy for him.. he told me that his past relationships were either short-term or didn't pan out because the girls had been clingy, being emotional and drama.. thus he liked me being all sensible and cool.. truth is, like any girl, I would love the attention of being pursued, but I don't feel like I am getting it from him hmmm

Its not just about him being a doctor (he is not practising now btw, he is in the corporate world instead), but how driven he is, especially after I learned more and more about his background and profile. I am doing rather impressive for my age in a prestigious field either.. I just think we would make such great couple together if we could pull this through.

Forgot to add: He is totally my type, physical-wise. So yeah, if he is an accomplished IT geek, I would still dig him.

Edited May 30, 2016 by KathL
Add on remarks

May 30, 2016

Are you sure he is even a doctor?

Amazing how many *doctors* are on Tinder.

This whole thing sounds really fishy.

I mean you admitted the chemistry was not even that great, the date in general was meh for both of you (paraphrasing), but the sex was good and now you are exclusive?

But since you retuned home, the communication has dropped.... not to mention he is two hours away.

Truth is after one date, you know absolutely nothing about this *doctor*.

I wouldn't trust anyone I met on Tinder until I had many dates, spent lots of time and he proved himself to be trustworthy.

And what the he** is a successful doctor doing on Tinder messaging women who live two hours away?

Something isn't jiving....

Verified that he is indeed a doctor, but now in the corporate world. I have his real FB account, been doing all the stalking since day 1 and have since discovered his background etc on his online resumes and LinkedIn account

May 30, 2016

Verified that he is indeed a doctor, but now in the corporate world. I have his real FB account, been doing all the stalking since day 1 and have since discovered his background etc on his online resumes and LinkedIn account

If he doesn't practice anymore and now works in corporate, why did you refer to him as a doctor? It was the very first thing you mentioned in your original post. Apparently you are quite impressed by it even though he does not even practice medicine.

Does he refer to himself as a doctor on tinder? If so, why? He doesn't practice, he works in corporate. Strange.

Between that and your sensing that he is not even all that attracted to you, something definitely isn't jiving.

Just me but I don't date guys unless they are 100% attracted to me and show me they are attracted to me.

Nor should any woman no matter how successful the man is or what he does for a living.

Continue dating him if you want but I don't see this working out well for you ...sorry

JMO.

Best of luck though....

May 30, 2016

While I don't see anything wrong with just dating one person at a time as opposed to multi-dating, it is far too soon to consider yourselves a couple. You don't even know this man. He might be awesome or he might be a total chump - the point is you don't know.

Being a doctor - or having been a doctor - means squat. Doctors can be wonderful at healing people and still be total jackasses in relationships; anyone can! So forget being googly-eyed over his job. You need to look way beyond that.

Slow down. Way down. Let him show you he wants to date you, not just sleep with you. If he is serious about looking for a life partner and sees you as a candidate, his actions over time will demonstrate this. If he claims to know this already, then yes, it is a gigantic red flag as he doesn't know you either. That would tell me he's looking to fill a void and you happened to be the first one who expressed mutual interest. In which case, it's not about you at all but about being a place-filler. Be careful with men who do that.

May 30, 2016

If he doesn't practice anymore and now works in corporate, why did you refer to him as a doctor? It was the very first thing you mentioned in your original post. Apparently you are quite impressed by it even though he does not even practice medicine.

Does he refer to himself as a doctor on tinder? If so, why? He doesn't practice, he works in corporate. Strange.

Between that and your sensing that he is not even all that attracted to you, something definitely isn't jiving.

Just me but I don't date guys unless they are 100% attracted to me and show me they are attracted to me.

Nor should any woman no matter how successful the man is or what he does for a living.

Continue dating him if you want but I don't see this working out well for you ...sorry

JMO.

Best of luck though....

He is still a doctor by profession even though he is now doing health care management, no? Okay, lets drop the talks on whether he is still a doctor.

How do I even tell him that "hey I don't think you are 100% attracted to me so lets waste no time and end this"? He would think I am being silly and insecure. Obviously, if I want to be the confident woman I envision myself to be, I have to be comfortable and composed.. its still not too late to see how things go rather than jump to it and deny any chance for it to blossom

May 30, 2016

Said in another thread but applies here too, amazing how people will fall for crap because they have been denied meeting something of quality and too afraid to be alone so they fall for anything. WTF!?

So that means exclusivity? Too good to be true, isn't it? Esp because he is such a good catch

When OP's have to write this much to try and convince the masses of their "good catch" we all know how this will end right?

You don't know he is a great catch. I think his employment has you swayed on that.

Exactly!

May 30, 2016

The fact that he is not practicing medicine doesn't make him any less of a doctor. There are thousands and thousands of doctors working in different fields (pharma, startup, legal, etc.).

The problem is OP served herself up on a silver platter and as Gaeta pointed out, he didn't have to lift a finger for her. She even went as far as flying to meet him on their first date. He seems lukewarm because he is. What is there to work for when the girl agreed to exclusivity even before meeting and then flew to meet him and spent the weekend with him.

Those girls he described as clingy and full of drama were probably girls who demanded to be wooed and wanted more effort from him. Sounds like he wants to put very effort into it and reap huge gains. Also if he is a 35 y/o single and driven/successful doctor, I am certain he has his fair share of women beating down his door so don't be surprised if you're one of many. A man that age whose past relationships have only been short term or didn't pan out is big red flag. OP I wouldn't invest more time of into this unless you see effort on his part. I sense you will be waiting a long time for that.

May 30, 2016

He is still a doctor by profession even though he is now doing health care management, no? Okay, lets drop the talks on whether he is still a doctor.

How do I even tell him that "hey I don't think you are 100% attracted to me so lets waste no time and end this"? He would think I am being silly and insecure. Obviously, if I want to be the confident woman I envision myself to be, I have to be comfortable and composed.. its still not too late to see how things go rather than jump to it and deny any chance for it to blossom

No course you don't tell him you don't sense he is all that attracted to you.

You pay attention to his actions, and if he is not acting like a man who is 100% attracted to you .. you walk away.

Look you already said you don't sense he is all that into you.... but yet he did not hesitate to have sex with you, and suggests exclusivity? What am I missing?

A confident woman does not settle for less than what she deserves and what she deserves is, at the very least, a man who is attracted to her... and knows how to show it.

May 30, 2016

Wow. OP went from being all "pinch me..." to trying to figure out the words to break it off with him in less than 8 hours. Good job Loveshack. She's only had one date with the guy and you slammed this puppy into the side of the mountain.

OP: why don't you stop posting here and work on scheduling date #2 before you decide to end this.

May 30, 2016

The fact that he is not practicing medicine doesn't make him any less of a doctor. There are thousands and thousands of doctors working in different fields (pharma, startup, legal, etc.).

The problem is OP served herself up on a silver platter and as Gaeta pointed out, he didn't have to lift a finger for her. She even went as far as flying to meet him on their first date. He seems lukewarm because he is. What is there to work for when the girl agreed to exclusivity even before meeting and then flew to meet him and spent the weekend with him.

Those girls he described as clingy and full of drama were probably girls who demanded to be wooed and wanted more effort from him. Sounds like he wants to put very effort into it and reap huge gains. Also if he is a 35 y/o single and driven/successful doctor, I am certain he has his fair share of women beating down his door so don't be surprised if you're one of many. A man that age whose past relationships have only been short term or didn't pan out is big red flag. OP I wouldn't invest more time of into this unless you see effort on his part. I sense you will be waiting a long time for that.

Thanks :( In fact, I would not buy tickets to spend another weekend with him. I would let him do his part, if he is serious.

So should I start dating other guys at the mean time?

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Exclusivity after 1st date.. too good to be true?

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