My BF needs space

[Cphoria43]

So my boyfriend and I have been having issues. We're both 27 years old. We've been under a lot of stress lately. I've been studying for my state boards and he's been trying to look for a better job. We both live an hour away from each other and we basically only see each other on the weekends. We've spent almost every weekend together ever since we've gotten together.

 

So I'm going to be VERY honest, I haven't been the easiest girlfriend. I've gone through some pretty terrible stuff the last couple months. I lost 15+ lbs, I moved into his house for a month while my family was going through some issues, I failed my state boards on the first try and I haven't been very focused on trying to take it again. I'm under a lot of pressure because I have to start paying my student loans in a month. I was very grateful that my boyfriend took me in during a horrible time. He's put up with a lot of bull**** from me. I've experienced anger, sadness, anxiety and confusion for the last 2 months and I feel like my life was spiraling out of control. And my boyfriend was always there for me. There have been times where I asked him, why are you with me? For awhile, I was unhappy. And the only thing that kept me happy was my boyfriend.

 

After the family issues subsided, I moved back home and tried to focus again on studying for my boards again. I felt like my weeks consisted of waking up, studying and waiting for my boyfriend to call me at the end of the night. I sometimes wouldn't get much done the entire day and I'd be in the ****tiest moods because I felt like my life was going no where fast after I graduated school in January.

 

Last Wednesday, my boyfriend and I got into an argument about his birthday. I told him I am so sorry but I have nothing planned for his upcoming birthday. I've been stressed out with studying and other things going on in my life. He was very understanding about it. He told me he would just celebrate it with his newly single best friend, Sean. I was a little hurt because I felt like maybe he didn't want my company considering that I haven't been all that enjoyable lately because we've been fighting a lot. I offered to take him out and we can do something small but by the end of the argument, he just wasn't feeling like having me at his birthday at all. He said I started a fight out of nothing when all he was trying to do was be supportive with my studies.

 

I understand I was being overly sensitive. But I guess all I wanted was for him to spend his birthday with me still. The following day, I wanted to see him. He told me he wanted personal time but I kept pushing to see him because I wanted to make up for last night. I was very persistent that I would just drive up and see him. He told me that I was pushing him away and that I needed to leave him alone. He yelled at me and just didn't want to see my face at all. He said some hurtful things to me like how he wanted to knife off my name (tattoo) off his body, how I drag him down a lot and he would have had a better job by now, how he puts in more effort dealing with bull**** in the relationship than actually enjoying it, how he said things haven't changed and its been a cycle of fights over and over again, how he can't even sleep well anymore and he's experiencing physical manifestations of him breaking down from how much bull**** he has to deal with in the relationship and he told me to **** off. How he was going to block my number, lock his door, close his blinds and turn off the lights. I agreed to give him space and asked him if everything was going to be okay after we have some space and he said no, he can't promise that things will be good after we have some space. So I hung up the phone. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day.

 

The following day, I didn't hear from him until the evening time. He called me and I didn't answer my phone. He texted me, ":(:(" and then sent me these messages:

 

HIM: "I don't want to lose you. The thought of it makes me very very sad :( . I want us to be happy together forever more than I want anything else in my life"

ME: I don't want to lose you either... You know I love you.

HIM: Babe I love you too. I'm sorry. I'm sorry things got so bad. How can we make it better? I don't exactly know how.

ME: Im not sure either but we can both work things out together one step at a time.

HIM: OK I like that.

ME: I hope you know you are really important to me too. I know things have been hard and I agree the space was good. We both have things to work out on our own but I want you to be a part of my life, I want us to support each other...

HIM: Thats what I want too. You're the love of my life babe. I'm tearing.

ME: I don't want you to feel like you've give up better opportunities because of me. I want to be the person who motivates you to do better and I want to be better because of you...

HIM: I want that too babe! What can I do differently? Seriously, please tell me

ME: Maybe we should work it out in person. It'll be a lot of work and I don't think it'll happen over night... but I'm ready to fix things when you are.

HIM: OK. You still want to have some space this weekend? I want to fix things. Maybe we should spend this weekend apart, then next week/weekend get together and make everything better. Maybe if we miss each other a lot when we see each other, we will be that much more motivated to make each other happy.

ME: Yes, this weekend wouldn't be a good time anyway. Take your time.

HIM: Ok, is everything ok with you? Is there drama in your life because of your family?

Babe seriously just knowing that you still love me feels so much better. I am literally about to do career stuff right now cause I feel so motivated to make our lives the best they can possibly be.

ME: Yeah everything's fine. We both need to do what we need to do. I do love you but I guess I need this time to figure things out. Thank you for understanding.

HIM: OK thats fine babe. You take your time too babe. I love you.

 

I kind of feel stupid for being so sweet and sincere to him. My girlfriends told me I shouldn't have answered especially after how mean and ruthless he was on the phone before he sent me all those messages. I thought by being supportive he would want to see me right then and there to fix those issues right away. I also feel like he switched things around on me because I never asked for space. I was only agreeing because maybe space is good. I also feel like because I gave him so much security that I was going to be right there waiting for him after our space, he's going to take his time.

 

It is now Monday and the only thing I've heard from him was, "I hope you don't have too much drama today with your mom coming back from her trip. Good luck!" I didn't reply back.

 

I have been going out almost every night with my friends. It's been nice having a life outside of being in a relationship for awhile. We've never taken a break before and this is the first time this has happened.

I'm honestly wondering if this relationship is really going to work and the longer I'm away from him, I just feel more rejected and hurt. I don't even think he's all that sincere about wanting to make things better really. How can they get better if he already feels like I drag him down? Sometimes I feel like he's in denial that this relationship can work. He always blames me for all the fights we've ever had. He wipes his hands clean after every argument and tells me that I started each one. It sucks because I feel like its also been a lot of weight on my shoulders carrying a lot of that burden. He keeps telling me I need to change. How he needs us to be happy and go through a long extended period of time of no fighting. But he's putting it all on me.

 

I'm also so annoyed. His birthday is also coming up in 2 days and I don't know whether I should be a good girlfriend and greet him or just completely ignore him. Part of me just doesn't want to talk to him. The longer this is being prolonged, I think i'm slightly losing sight of me and him having a future all together.

 

I guess what I wanted to know was, how do I go about this situation coming up on top? I've been focusing on myself a lot more having this time away but I guess the more I'm spending time away, I'm feeling less confident about him.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Cphoria43

[Audacious]

You cannot force a relationship to work ,

and stop saying that he tolerated alot of BS on your part , he is your boyfriend , that's what he supposed to be doing , that is how relationships work , we tolerate each others BS and still love each others .

 

call it off

[d0nnivain]

After everything you acknowledge your BF did for you, you couldn't find it in you to whip up something for his birthday. For heavens sake you could have baked the man a cake & planned some mind blowing sex for him. Instead you point blank told him you couldn't be bothered. Yes, I know those weren't the words you used but that is the message you sent. When he said fine & said he'd make other plans you blew a fuse. Then you kept pushing & pushing & forcing yourself on the guy. Oh for heaven's sake of course he needs a break.

 

 

Stop trying to fix deep serious things through text.

 

 

Go to the store & buy him a birthday card. Mail it to it. But another you will give to him.

 

 

Send him one more text on this subject. Something along the lines of:

 

I have been a complete B1tch & I'

m

sorry. Go out with Sean for your birthday & paint the town! Text me when you are ready to come home & I will make sure you both get home safely. On Friday you & I will celebrate your birthday privately

I love you.

Then do exactly that. . . drive him & his drunken buddy home from their night out celebrating. Say nothing other than I hope you had a good time & would you like me to get you aspirin & Gatorade for the morning? Come Friday have a great romantic date planned with homemade cake & lots of sex.