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Posted

Last night I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years. It was pretty hard for me to finally go through with it, I hate making people feel bad and she got extremely upset over it.

 

Things hadn't been going so well recently, constantly arguing over small things, both of us had admitted things were getting boring. I work long hours in a different city and therefore we hardly get to see each other. Beyond that we don't really have any similar interests - and we don't even share core interests.

 

So I broke up with her last night and feel terrible this morning. Not so much because I think it was the wrong decision, but because I feel so bad for her having to go through this when she wanted to try and work on things.

 

Did I make a mistake? What are some good next steps to not feel terrible about this?

Posted

I think the best thing you can do now is to go NC so that you can have time and space to process the break-up, and also let your ex have some space too. NC is critical - it really helps with giving the both of you perspective, time to reflect on the relationship and what went wrong (and right), etc.

 

As you are the dumper, you have to respect the space that your ex needs right now. Do not contact her, and do not shower her with breadcrumbs. It will be kindest thing you can do right now. I am speaking from my recent experience as the dumpee! Even though I was desperate for my ex to reach out to me, I know deep down that if she did I would be even more confused and torn. The time apart is essential for me to heal and to reflect.

 

If after a month or two of NC, you decide that your ex is still someone you want to be with, then by all means reach out to her.

 

Good luck with NC.

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Posted

You know things weren't working. You say you don't think it was the wrong decision. You are a nice person & as such you regret that she is in emotional pain. Staying with her so you don't hurt her feelings isn't the answer.

 

 

Even though you were the dumper, that doesn't mean you don't feel sad or upset about the end of a 3.5 year relationship. It's the end of an era & change is scary. Give yourself some time to grieve but keep yourself busy this summer.

 

 

In the long run you made the right call.

  • Like 1
Posted

You can’t beat yourself up about this. You didn’t do anything wrong- in fact, it seems like you did the right thing. You recognized that you didn’t mutual interests, things were boring, and you didn’t see each other much anyway. There’s no benefit in staying in a relationship you know isn’t working just to avoid the pain of a breakup (for you or for her).

 

Try not to look at the breakup as something you “did to her”, instead it was just something that needed to happen. That’s it. Just because she wanted to work it out doesn’t mean that it would have worked or it would have been good for either of you. Both of you deserve a satisfying relationship, and just because you recognized that it wasn’t going to work between you guys first doesn’t make you the bad guy.

 

In the meantime, give her the closure she needs, but then you should really go no contact so both of you have the space to move on. Whenever you start to feel bad, just remind yourself of the good that will come out of this, for you and her. Then let it go.

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Posted

Thank you for the comments, trying my best to not feel bad about it. She was such a nice person that I just hate myself for making her upset, even though it wasn't working out between us!

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