Young "love"

[Gloria25]

If you had a daughter (16) and her grades are slipping cuz she's doing stuff with some boy in her school - who also lives in your hood.

 

She makes up excuses for arriving to class late (i.e. 'Too far down the hall') when you know that now a days in the public schools, kids are sneaking in the restrooms and wherever and probably doing BJs or worst.

 

He's been working her for months. He started out with buying her stuff and walking with her from the school bus to her home. She "claimed" that she didn't like him - but she accepted the gifts and would chat him up.

 

Well, I guess all his hard work got his foot in the door cuz now she's posting selfies of them kissing on FB.

 

So far, you've taken her make-up and celphone. You've had a man to boy talk with him, and so far no change cuz he keeps on coming around your place under the guise of playing with the neighbor's kid - when all he's doing is trying to be close to her. He "thinks" cuz he works at the mall that he's big time and can handle her and will never knock her up.

 

I'm scared here not just cuz we're looking at her getting knocked up (he is an illegal who's culture is to have like ten kids by 23 and live a life of working terrible jobs and being drunk 24/7 - and these are "facts").

 

I'm scared cuz this kid shows the signs of an obsessive stalker who is prone to abusing my niece. I believe she was telling the truth when she said she initially didn't like him...but with her having daddy issues and surrounded by other girls who are teen preggos, hooking up, etc. I guess she's too weak to succumb to bad influences...I've heard of teen relationships were teen girls get beaten, stalked, and even killed. I know men can be persistent, but this teenage boy's "persistence", IMO, is more of a dangerous and stalker type.

 

So, what more can we do here? We can't stop him from hanging around outside our place under the guise of playing with the neighbor's kid. I've recommended talking to the school and asking them what they can do to make sure she's not doing anything in the restrooms (or elsewhere in the school) with this boy. I mean, I thought kids weren't allowed to linger in the halls/restrooms between classes? I mean, taking her celphone isn't gonna stop him from speaking to her on the bus and/or in/at the school and we can't lock her up like a prisoner.

 

I've also suggested talking to his parents. I mean, no, if she's got daddy issues, guaranteed I know that this isn't the first and/or last boy she's gonna sadly rely upon for attention she didn't get from her natural dad. But, hoping that talking to the parents will help putting a leash on him and/or making the idea of her less attractive if it's gonna cause him drama with his parents.

 

I've also suggested getting her more busy with work, sports, and volunteering. Hoping that giving her stuff to do will not only keep her busy and tired, but will open up her social circle, inspire her to be motivated to look for other reasons to feel better about herself than to chase some loser boy.

 

Please, I need help here. I'm very upset and am ten minutes from picking up this kid and throwing him against a wall.

 

P.S. he is a freakin' loser. She's a beautiful young lady with a head on her shoulders - she can do better, way better than this piece of garbage. And, I know kids are gonna be kids - but where he's from, girls his age are already on pregnancy #2 by 18.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Gloria25

[Tayla]

as a parent I would welcome the young gent to the home. Get to know him and certainly not assume things . He sounds like he cares for this young lady. Hopefully she is equally enchanted. Young love is a chance to manage the building of trust. It starts with elders entrusting that the young sweethearts were listening thru those earlier examples. If not, a review is in order.

 

You sound like a caring relative.

[Gloria25]

as a parent I would welcome the young gent to the home. Get to know him and certainly not assume things . He sounds like he cares for this young lady. Hopefully she is equally enchanted. Young love is a chance to manage the building of trust. It starts with elders entrusting that the young sweethearts were listening thru those earlier examples. If not, a review is in order.

 

You sound like a caring relative.

 

Thanks for your kind words, but hello, he's a teenage "boy". Even adult men who "think" they are in love when all they're worried about is busting a nut (even if they don't realize it until they have sex with her).

 

I don't think he cares for her and/or even knows what caring is about. He has raging hormones, hard-ons, and comes from a culture where the men never marry their "woman", and by 18 already put two kids in her.

 

Worst, I think he doesn't have a lot of luck with girls and is demonstrating obsessive/stalkerish/abusive behavior.

[xxoo]

Someone needs to talk to her, and when I say talk to her I mean ask a lot of questions and listen to her answers. Is she having sex? Is she interested in having sex? How does she plan to handle the sex issue in dating?

 

If she's having sex or planning to, obviously she needs birth control. A visit to her doctor is in order.

 

If she's not wanting to have sex, she'll need more talks and guidance about how to manage that while dating, dealing with potential pressure, dealing with potential date rape (none of this being specific to this boy, but dating realities in general). And make sure she feels comfortable bringing up the subject if she changes her mind and wants to have sex.

 

Connection first, then frank discussion. Build trust and help her navigate safely.

[mrs rubble]

The more you try and interfere and keep them apart, the more they will defy you.

You're better off making the boy feel welcome and entertaining his interest....once the girl knows her involvement with this chap is not upsetting her family, the magic disappears and so does he.

[mikeylo]

At 16, she is a kid and if not father then mother needs to step up and take responsibility of the kid unless she is ready to face consequences of negligence.

 

School can't do anything in this. If she won't listen to the mother then take her to councelor.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks for your kind words, but hello, he's a teenage "boy". Even adult men who "think" they are in love when all they're worried about is busting a nut (even if they don't realize it until they have sex with her).

 

I don't think he cares for her and/or even knows what caring is about. He has raging hormones, hard-ons, and comes from a culture where the men never marry their "woman", and by 18 already put two kids in her.

 

Worst, I think he doesn't have a lot of luck with girls and is demonstrating obsessive/stalkerish/abusive behavior.

 

It seems like you're judging this boy based on stereotypes and xenophobia.

Those are not a helpful or healthy ways of approaching life at all.

 

I'm also noticing a lack of trust in your niece. Unless she has shown that she is given to risky sexual behavior in the past, you have no reason to assume that she is being promiscuous or she's foolish enough to become pregnant.

 

What is he doing that is so abusive? Plenty of men buy gifts for women they are interested in. Since your niece chatted with him and accepted the presents, I fail to see how she is being stalked by some obsessive creep.

 

Slipping grades is a problem but so is your attitude.

[GunslingerRoland]

You are all over the place in your post, so I'm not really sure what the situation is, at first you make it sound like she's in a consensual relationship, then you make it sound like she's being stalked. Those are two very different scenarios that you need to handle differently.

 

 

I think what you need to do first is take a step back, I know this will be hard to do, and imagine that you are a 16 year old girl and your daughter is your best friend, and try to see it from that perspective. Withhold your judgments about whether he is good enough for your daughter and just focus on, does she seem happy.

 

 

If she does, then your job is to support her in the relationship, keep giving her honest good advice as you have throughout her life. But you have to continue to give her the tools to make her own choices. Trying to have a 16 year old girl followed into the bathroom at school by her teachers to make sure she isn't having sex, is not going to go well for anyone involved.

[juicygirl]

Homeschool.

[noelle303]

It seems like you're judging this boy based on stereotypes and xenophobia.

Those are not a helpful or healthy ways of approaching life at all.

 

I'm also noticing a lack of trust in your niece. Unless she has shown that she is given to risky sexual behavior in the past, you have no reason to assume that she is being promiscuous or she's foolish enough to become pregnant.

 

What is he doing that is so abusive? Plenty of men buy gifts for women they are interested in. Since your niece chatted with him and accepted the presents, I fail to see how she is being stalked by some obsessive creep.

 

Slipping grades is a problem but so is your attitude.

 

I agree. You are very judgmental of this boy and it sounds incredibly prejudicial.

 

I honestly see no red flags (at least from what you described) in this situation, they are two teenagers in a relationship. Is there a reason you're calling him a ''loser''? Can you maybe describe what makes him a ''loser''?

 

I would not recommend punishing and banning your niece from seeing this boy. Invite him over, talk to him, get to know him outside of the box you've already put him in.

 

I would also like to add, if you give them more space and time to be together they won't feel the need to hide in school bathrooms and be late for class.

[BettyDraper]

I will never be a mother but I can speak from the perspective of someone who grew up in a restrictive environment.

 

My adolescence was ruined by my parents who would not allow me to have a social life outside of school hours. I also wasn't permitted to date until I finished high school and even then I had very early curfews and lots of parental interference in my romantic relationships. My parents believed that daughters should not have freedom. This led to sneaking around to see a devoted young man whom I met when I was 16. I also harbored serious resentment towards my parents which led to depression from all the anger I held in.

 

The reason I am telling you this story is to show you that teenagers will rebel if they are being treated unfairly and with unnecessary suspicion. Rebellion can lead to worse consequences such as slipping grades or being put in compromising situations. I'm not saying that teenagers should be permitted to run wild. However, sometimes adults forget that teenagers are people who deserve to have relationships which come with normal emotional development. Having a jailer mentality only leads to distant relationships as well as desperate attempts to be independent.

[King Me]

Your 16 year old niece is dating a guy from her school who has a job at the mall.

 

That's not a bad thing.

 

If her grades are slipping that needs to be addressed. I'd be surprised if the reason she's late for class is bathroom blowjobs.

 

The real problem that I'm getting here is that the girl is not in an environment where she can talk and be talked to about things like safe sex. You are creating an environment for sneaking around. If she gets pregnant don't blame the guy.

[basil67]

You've written nothing here which would make me alarmed at their relationship. You say all sorts of terrible things about this guy, but if he can hold down a job at the mall - then obviously he's got a good head on his shoulders. Perhaps he will influence her to not be tardy at school.

 

Create a supportive environment where she knows she can come and ask for advice if she needs it. If you don't, she'll go sneaking around without the benefit of an adult's guidance.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Woah, you sound proudly xenophobic. Your attitude is a way bigger problem here than two teenage kids who have a thing for each other. She's your niece, not your daughter, so butt out. And if you want any hope of maintaining a positive relationship with her, better keep your true feelings about her boyfriend's 'culture' to yourself, she'll be disgusted if she's the sweet intelligent girl you paint her to be.

[anika99]

By the sounds of it, this teenage boy goes to school, holds down a job (good for him!) and has fallen into infatuation/love with a pretty girl. He doesn't sound like a loser to me. The more you try to keep them apart the harder they will fight to be together. There should be boundaries off course but trying to completely bar them from each other will fail.

[Gemma1]

You think taking a 16 year old girl's makeup is an effective punishment? Man, your parenting skills need some work. If you're so worried about pregnancy, why don't you take her to get an IUD? She's 16, and they last 10 years, so she's the perfect age for it. And they are the most reliable form of birth control (and the cheapest long term).

[DreamP]

I won't rehash what others said, but I agree.

 

If you are truly interested in helping your niece, you will talk to her. Teens will have sex, whether it's with the drug dealing bad boy or the church going honor student. You can't stop it. What you can do is educate them on healthy sex knowledge. This is a continuous dialogue that must be had with every young person. It is not a single talk. Sex education is not just about "don't get pregnant," and how to put a condom on. It's also about negotiating relationships, relationship violence, types of sex, female pleasure, pressure/control, alcohol and drugs, etc. All of this must be discussed. that is the best you can do for your niece.

 

BTW, the more you reject this boy and tell her not to date him, the more likely she is to date him.

[BettyDraper]

Where are your niece's parents? Why are you taking on her issues as though you are her mother?

 

I will speak to my brother if I have a behavioral concern about my nephew but other than that I butt out. Though I cherish my nephew, I realize that I am not his mother so I don't have a say in how he is raised or what he is taught. I can only refrain from undermining his parents and upholding the morals they impart on him. When my nephew is a teenager, the door is always open if he wants to talk to his auntie but I will encourage him to open up to his parents first.