Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 So after a year's worth of online dating on 5 websites met a man - who appears to be a terrific match - on ethnicity, culture, politics, life-stage, cultural interests etc. etc. etc. I met him at the end of a year when I was thinking of taking a break, it was his first week where he was getting back to having a life since son wd graduate HS in another month. He is up for tenure in Sept, has family visiting from home country for weeks and staying with him - so a lot on his plate. Personality-wise, I am warm, effusive, impulsive and vivacious, he is methodical, deliberate, low-key. After initial flurry of long texts, FT chats, dinner's - sensing a drop off of frequency of intensity and flirtatiousness of content. He stays connected but more infrequently, stays considerate (has recalled key ph calls that I had and called to wish me luck or enquire on how things went) when he calls me over for dinner he downloads chef meals and really makes an effort in terms of putting together a meal. Last week things got a bit steamy and he wanted me to stay, I didn't because a) unplanned and b) his son was with him that week and we had just met and I wanted a slower intro into that family unit. Didn't hear from him for a couple of days after that. Sent out a trial balloon , he was very responsive and he FTed later (so an escalation). a few days later I had purchased tkts to a play so he came over for a light dinner and we left for play...he seemed to be keeping me at arms length, seemed preoccupied the whole evening (texting discreetly), except for a brief burst of excitement on way to theater (held hands, bought me ice-cream etc.). Came home late - he didn't come in and said he needed to head home, it was late... Again nothing for a couple of days and then a text thanking me for a dish that I had cooked and he had taken home after play - he had just had that for dinner. Long texting - moved to FT very pleasant affectionate. Not seeing an escalation of intimacy, he is not a player, has confessed to being self-conscious about sex, things are pleasant and affectionate - I am seeing the possibility of a future, he has indicated that his life is in transition and best for us to wait till 'next steps' - till tenure dossier turned in. What is going on here ? Shd I wait, shd I take the responsibility to move things, force things. Confused, bewildered - don't know what to do. I do realize the differences in context, me after a year of dating - him after a week - but the degree of match we have is miraculous. Pull plug and move on? I do like him, but want greater reciprocity.
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) I will probably get lambasted by the ladies for this, but IMO he pulled back because he felt rejected you did not want to have sex or spend the night with him. I realize you were not ready yet, which is your right for sure, but he seems rather sensitive from what you have written, and some men really do take it personally... and interpret it as meaning you are not as into them as they are into you. I don't get the sense he is playing games as I might think with other men, it sounds like he likes you a lot and wants to move things forward... i.e. sex/spend the night.. I also think he didn't want to come in after your next date, cuz he did not want to take the chance of being rejected for sex again.. Some men really do think this way!! This opinion comes from having five brothers and group therapy with both men and women.... and the men sharing their thoughts and experiences . Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 Katiegirl - thank you for responding. Wow, hadn't thought of that! Given the differences in context with how we met (me 1 yr, him 1 wk) and his overall deliberate nature I attributed it to him taking a step back because that would be "the right thing" since he has a lot going on so why add complexity to his life . Definitely something to think about.
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) Katiegirl - thank you for responding. Wow, hadn't thought of that! Given the differences in context with how we met (me 1 yr, him 1 wk) and his overall deliberate nature I attributed it to him taking a step back because that would be "the right thing" since he has a lot going on so why add complexity to his life . Definitely something to think about. Well the fact he pulled back pretty much immediately after you didn't wish to spend the night indicates *that* definitely had something to do with it. Many women would say, screw him, he only wanted sex blah blah, and I might even think that too, but from everything you have written about him, I just don't think that is what is happening here. Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 I agree, he is not into this just for the sex. I don't know how much I will be seeing him over the next few weeks, but will definitely be sensitive to this. And if I am invited over again....well.
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) I agree, he is not into this just for the sex. I don't know how much I will be seeing him over the next few weeks, but will definitely be sensitive to this. And if I am invited over again....well. If you are still not ready for sex, maybe you could explain to him exactly why ? That you are really into him, want to move things forward and that your wanting to wait has nothing to do with him or your feelings for him? Sadly, many men interpret a woman wanting to wait as some sort of a test, especially when there is such a strong attraction. I dunno Mars vs Venus I guess but sex is such a hot button ..... I highly doubt men and women will ever see eye to eye on this... And women have it especially tough imo because many men *do* only want sex, so it is hard to distinguish between the good guy who wants to get close and move forward, and the guy who only wants sex. Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl 2
BlueIris Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 I personally wouldn't worry about that he isn't pursuing and initiating as much. It sounds as though he is not pressing out of respect for you and he's just going slowly to get to know you, which is a win-win in my book. 4
Cinnamonstix Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 I don't think his behaviour is due to feeling rejected that night that you didn't stay. And if it were, do you really want a man that can't handle a woman not spending the night? You said that things were declining a bit even before that. This isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like he might like you but just not enough. Unless you're exclusive, he could have been "discreetly texting" another woman. His far away behaviour seems to back that theory up. When a man is really into you, there will be no guessing how he feels.
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 I don't think his behaviour is due to feeling rejected that night that you didn't stay. And if it were, do you really want a man that can't handle a woman not spending the night? You said that things were declining a bit even before that. This isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like he might like you but just not enough. Unless you're exclusive, he could have been "discreetly texting" another woman. His far away behaviour seems to back that theory up. When a man is really into you, there will be no guessing how he feels. I disagree. I think it is a given there will be a bit of guessing and uncertainty in the early stages. It is unreasonable to think you should know for certainty how the other feels....as it takes dating each other for awhile to know how the other person feels, let alone expect the person you are dating to tell you how they feel. If one cannot handle that uncertainty in the early stages, then they are going to have a very tough time dating. Unless it is a "love at first sight" type of thing, which I have personally experienced, and is extremely rare, uncertainty in the early stages is a given! JMO. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) I disagree. I think it is a given there will be a bit of guessing and uncertainty in the early stages. It is unreasonable to think you should know for certainty how the other feels....as it takes dating each other for awhile to know how the other person feels, let alone expect the person you are dating to tell you how they feel. If one cannot handle that uncertainty in the early stages, then they are going to have a very tough time dating. Unless it is a "love at first sight" type of thing, which I have personally experienced, and is extremely rare, uncertainty in the early stages is a given! JMO. Ok, I agree to an extent that there is some uncertainty, especially at the beginning. But it should really only be small moments due to your own hypervigilance in the early stages of dating. Even the most confident people will get a bit insecure and unsure at times when they really like someone. However, a woman should really get the impression that the man is very into her OVERALL. Maybe the OP has this impression, it's just some small things he's doing that make her guess. But that is not how I read her original post. The texting while out with her and the hinting that he is not ready for a real relationship (with excuses about tenure) are what stood out to me. Edited May 29, 2016 by Cinnamonstix
GemmaUK Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Does he usually/often text other people discreetly while he is on a date with you?
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Ok, I agree to an extent that there is some uncertainty, especially at the beginning. But it should really only be small moments due to your own hypervigilance in the early stages of dating. Even the most confident people will get a bit insecure and unsure at times when they really like someone. However, a woman should really get the impression that the man is very into her OVERALL. Maybe the OP has this impression, it's just some small things he's doing that make her guess. But that is not how I read her original post. --- **The texting while out with her and the hinting that he is not ready for a real relationship (with excuses about tenure) are what stood out to me. That is a fair point! I am gonna have to read her original post again, I may have missed that or interpreted it differently ...... Thnx.
BaileyB Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Also agree there is some uncertainty early in a relationship and definitely think the best relationships are those that grow slowly and naturally... But, would it be fair to say that the guy wants to consistently show interest - best not to let the woman ask too many questions about whether he is interested or not because that will only create doubt and its not likely help you get to where you want to go if your goal is a serious relationship. Uncertainty is one thing, constantly having questions and feeling confused about his interest/relationship status is another... 2
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Could he have been texting his son? Perhaps his son was having an issue of some sort. I did not read where he said he did not want a relationship. OP mentioned the future, and he responded he wasn't ready to plan for that just yet, and after two dates can say I blame him. Things are up in the air for him, tenure etc plus again it has only been two dates. OP, you asked if you should force the issue. No don't do that. It is still so early, just continue dating and getting to know him gradually and naturally. No pushing. A little patience might serve you well here, sounds like your anxiety may be getting the best of you. Try to relax and enjoy the process.... Don't have sex until you are ready! Best of luck....keep us posted! 1
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) Also agree there is some uncertainty early in a relationship and definitely think the best relationships are those that grow slowly and naturally... But, would it be fair to say that the guy wants to consistently show interest - best not to let the woman ask too many questions about whether he is interested or not because that will only create doubt and its not likely help you get to where you want to go if your goal is a serious relationship. Uncertainty is one thing, constantly having questions and feeling confused about his interest/relationship status is another... Could be wrong but I think they have only had two maybe three dates...... OP can you clarify how many dates you have had? It is not clear from your original post...tnx. Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 Does he usually/often text other people discreetly while he is on a date with you? So to clarify for all that brought this up....I asked mildly if he had a lot of fires he was putting out and he said that he had accidentally 'picked' the wrong weekend for his son's graduation party and was trying to move it to the following weekend. Which involved texting son, ex-wife and a sister .... BTW I have not been invited to party. :-(
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 So to clarify for all that brought this up....I asked mildly if he had a lot of fires he was putting out and he said that he had accidentally 'picked' the wrong weekend for his son's graduation party and was trying to move it to the following weekend. Which involved texting son, ex-wife and a sister .... BTW I have not been invited to party. :-( How many dates have you had? In person dates. Not including all the texting you did before meeting in person..... It sounded like only two, or three? It matters. You may be getting ahead of yourself here......
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 I actually did a few later .... asked if he understood why I ddin't stay and then proceeded to explain that it had everything to do with how much I cared that we get it right. I felt that with his son there who seemed startled to see me when he returned from an evening out - I wanted to make sure that I was introduced to the unit carefully.
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 Yes, overall this is my sense....just feeling uncertain about the canoodling and then the let down, followed by the preoccupied "date" to theater, speedy exit. Did write me a thank you text when he got home, and seemed forthcoming 2 days later.
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 I don't think his behaviour is due to feeling rejected that night that you didn't stay. And if it were, do you really want a man that can't handle a woman not spending the night? You said that things were declining a bit even before that. This isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like he might like you but just not enough. Unless you're exclusive, he could have been "discreetly texting" another woman. His far away behaviour seems to back that theory up. When a man is really into you, there will be no guessing how he feels. Cinnamonstix - I agree with the first part that when you like someone it shows...that's what the fisrt week or two felt like. I really don't hink he is texting other women, he is 2 wks old on site and and hasn't been active.
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 How many dates have you had? In person dates. Not including all the texting you did before meeting in person..... It sounded like only two, or three? It matters. You may be getting ahead of yourself here...... Katie girl - we have met twice for dinner out, he has invited me over twice and cooked for me. and I have invited him "out" twice and we have eaten at my place before setting out. I may be getting ahead of myself....I am not working at the moment and have a lot of time to be living in my head. That said, there is the disconnect of canoodling followed by silence, followed by "preoccupied" theater date. Also - neither of us come from a "dating" culture - I may be a tad more experienced in dating/r'ships overall. He has 2 failed marriages, one was arranged. I have one failed marriage in my 20's and 3 LTR's after that.
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Katie girl - we have met twice for dinner out, he has invited me over twice and cooked for me. and I have invited him "out" twice and we have eaten at my place before setting out. I may be getting ahead of myself....I am not working at the moment and have a lot of time to be living in my head. That said, there is the disconnect of canoodling followed by silence, followed by "preoccupied" theater date. Also - neither of us come from a "dating" culture - I may be a tad more experienced in dating/r'ships overall. He has 2 failed marriages, one was arranged. I have one failed marriage in my 20's and 3 LTR's after that. So that is six dates, quite a few. So no you are not getting ahead of yourself imo. Follow your gut! Do not ignore that little voice telling you things just don't seem quite right..... and respond accordingly.
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 That is a fair point! I am gonna have to read her original post again, I may have missed that or interpreted it differently ...... Thnx. Agree - that the texting while out is a flag (potentially). The tenure thing was mentioned as part of a convo that I initiated about what was he looking for and what I was etc. In that context he said that both our lives seemed to be in transition - his tenure, family visiting from old country who wd be dependent on him, my job-search etc. so might be good to wait for next steps. All good. This convo followed by spontaneous dinner invite, canoodling, 2 day no contact, distracted theater outing.
Author Saltycat Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 So that is six dates, quite a few. So no you are not getting ahead of yourself imo. Follow your gut! Do not ignore that little voice telling you things just don't seem quite right..... and respond accordingly. Respond how? Directly address should the moment present itself? calibrate myself step back as well (if that is what he is doing) ?
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) Respond how? Directly address should the moment present itself? calibrate myself step back as well (if that is what he is doing) ? Mirror his actions (or non-actions). If HE is pulling back, which it sounds like he is, that is precisely what YOU should do. Do not confront, your actions will speak volumes, just like his are. Lower expectations, or better yet don't have any. After reading your further posts. his back and forth is ridiculous. Relationships even early on should progress not go backwards. Or go forward, then backwards ...then forward, backwards again. That is crazy making! Ask yourself if this is what YOU want for yourself. Do not let the fact it took you a year to meet influence what is best for you long term. Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl
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