An X is an X is an X

[Jolene]

I love my boyfriend....and he loves me. I trust him like I've never trusted anyone ever as far as men go. We will probably get married like next year or the year after that.

 

He has a handful or more of friends, which he spends time with very periodically. He corresponds with them by mail, phone and emails mostly. He spends most of his spare time with me or doing errands at home (he lives 30 seconds away from me, which is great!).

 

Of these friends, only one of them is male.

 

I have met one of his female friends. She is from England. Another of his friends is quite pretty and has fake breasts. Still no competition for me.

 

The only one that causes me any grief is the friend who is female who just happens to be his ex from two or so years ago.

 

I told him that I am not interested in partaking in any social situation with her and that it is not appropriate for him to maintain contact with her if he is going to have a "life" with ME. I won't be having her over for dinner in our house ever.

 

When we first got together, I had to instruct him to take the framed pictures of them together away and out of the nightable and side tables of his house because it was disrespectful to me when I visited. I could barely understand why he has pictures of himself and his female friends prominently placed around the living rooms, especially when he claims he "probably never really loved her at all". It's confusing to my son to see pictures of him with other women.

 

So when I asked him if he would disassociate with this ex, he said no. I said well I trust you, but I don't see what value she has to his life especially if he didn't love her and they only dated for 8 months.

 

So why won't he let go. It's like an old pair of jeans that don't even fit right anymore but you can't throw them away for some weird reason. Maybe he feels guilty, and I really don't see why he needs her friendship and vice versa.

 

???What's up with that?

 

(at a family get together recently, he brought a photo album to show recent photos of us doing various things....only the album is old and the first three pages are filled with him and this ex. It burns me that he can't see how inconsiderate it is to rub this in my face. It's about respect. I wouldn't do it to him.)

[laRubiaBonita]

Originally posted by Jolene

I It burns me that he can't see how inconsiderate it is to rub this in my face. It's about respect. I wouldn't do it to him.)

 

 

exactly! so why are you allowing YOURSELF to remain on the second burner to this guy?

 

do you think when you do get married you will magically have some new power of persuasion over this guy? i do not think so.

[Jolene]

 

I fully expect that he will make the leap in logic sooner or later that he needs to give up the contact he has with this woman. I told him that regardless of his indifference toward her as a love interest anymore, if she were that good of a friend, she would understand that he needs to move on and she no longer fits into his life. It's not appropriate. I will not be very nice to her I don't think.

 

If not, he can enjoy having a secret little friendship with someone he cannot share as a part of our otherwise fulfilling marriage. If it's just a little friendship thing now, methinks he protesteth a bit too much. He says if he tells her to stop contact with him, then I will ask him to do the same thing with all of his female friends....which is not at all true! Certain things just aren't appropriate...having your ex over for dinner with your girlfriend/fiance/wife is one of them. This is not rocket science.

 

I see his point about the control issue, so I let it go, but again, an x is an x

 

~right?

[laRubiaBonita]

i cannot say if your bf has the same X creedo as you.

 

but, i do know that guys do not/ should not protect their Gal friends OVER their SO's, wives, or GF's. ESPECIALLY if the GF. mife, or SO has a problem with that particular person.

 

That to me, is common curtiosy that i would Expect from my BF....posiible husband.

[Jolene]

 

"Penis size is Just as important as Bra size. Do you REALLY believe it doesn't matter? :P"

 

 

 

God I love that....brilliant! And true as hell, only women don't (or don't have the wherewithal to) flaunt it in movies, magazines, songs and other venues that would inevitably create a social atmosphere that is unfriendly and hostile for their male peers. We aren't that cruel! Or maybe we have better things to do than demoralize the male race. Besides, who wants to start seeing half naked, tightly clothed mainstream (genitally challenged) men competing with each other for female approval in every day life anyway....that would only make them like women, wouldn't it!~

[Sal Paradise]

Tell him its you or her. If he says he won't give her up then leave him. One of two things will happen, either he will stay gone, or come to his senses and get rid of her and beg for you to take him backl.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Can you imagine the argument you'll have over the guest list if he's adamant about inviting his ex girlfriend to the wedding?

 

Some people are perfectly okay with having their partner's ex-bonks share their lives. Some are not. Neither person is necessarily right or wrong. They just have different perspectives about how they want their relationships to function. If you're one of those folks (like me) who don't believe in clinging to ex-lover's, than it goes without saying that you wouldn't be comfortable with your partner doing that either.

 

Word of advice from someone who's been there --- Don't marry this guy or even suggest cohabitation until he's completely gotten her out of his system and put closure on whatever emotional connection that still remains. While it may all be perfectly innocent, it's likely to remain a thorn in your side and your resentment will only escalate and eventually ruin your relationship anyway.

 

I see his point about the control issue, so I let it go, but again, an x is an x

 

If he's struggling with you over his ex girlfriend/s, then he has some control issues, too. Not to mention a few abandonment/attachment issues to boot. Both of you have every right to "control" your own lives and decide for yourselves the kind of relationship you want to involve yourself in. If you don't mesh, then you don't mesh. No sense in forcing yourself to accept something you know you can't tolerate just for the sake being "in" a relationship. You'll just end up miserable.

 

I say, give him a little more time to figure out for himself which relationship is worth giving up. He'll eventually have to learn that in life you can't always have it both ways. Meanwhile, you don't have to 'pretend' that you're okay with it for the sake of appearing 'confident and secure'. Screw that notion because there are thousands of folks who would feel the same way about this as you do. But you don't necessarily have to strong-arm him either. If he does eventually distance himself from the ex, you'll feel a whole lot better about it if he makes that decision on his own. Then neither one of them can blame you.

 

Meanwhile, just make up your mind that there will be no talk about marriage for so long as you're not 100% comfortable with the situation. If he brings the subject up, you can tell him just that. Eventually he'll either come around or he won't. With time, most people do.

 

If not, and you get fed up, you can try on this exit line:

 

"You know, Baby. I really admire how dedicated and loyal you are to your gal pals and ex girlfriends. It's wonderful to see how much time and attention you're still willing to dedicate to them. As a matter of fact, I envy those girls so much, that I've decided to join ranks and become one of your ex-bonks, too."

 

Then hand him a new photo for his coffee table.

 

If you can't beat um … join um!

[Jolene]

So I'm not crazy! phew!

 

What you've just said, Enigma, makes perfect sense to me.

 

I have faith in him that he will make the right decision and I am for once prepared to be patient. because I love him.

 

He spends pretty much all of his spare time with me, helping me or doing things for his house and being a good man.

 

He never goes out with this woman. It is limited to the very occasional phone call or email. I am not sure what he finds significant in the friendship, but I know he is not stupid, so he will respectfully allow it to dwindle away.

 

If not, then he can continue with the minimal friendship that it is. I have made myself clear that SHE is not going to be any part of MY life. He said he has no problem with that. We talked about it and why they broke up in the first place. I am convinced that there's no real love lost there. I think he definitely does have control issues and that spills over into other areas which I have noticed. But he is harmless, and I have a boundary as well. We respect each other quite nicely, but he is such a dork sometimes when it comes to obvious things like this.

 

If I know him, he will figure it out all by himself in time. That's unfortunately the best way for your loved ones to come to the conclusion that you are right. You demanding them to change or compromise is only nagging....which is very draining for everyone, right?

 

But I so wanted reassurance that I wasn't being a control freak or a possessive weirdo! I would hate for him to see me that way...

[sarah12]

If you spend all of your time with him and he only occasionally talks to this ex, then what's the problem? Clearly he's let you know that there are no feelings left (and there may never have been any..) and you are convinced of this, so why get so worked up about it? Seems to me like she's a friend just like any other female friends in his life. Do you cut your friends off when you have a boyfriend? What happens if the relationship breaks up? Friends are there for you to fall back on..

 

I'm not saying that everyone should be friends with their ex's, but it does seem fairly harmless in this case. They aren't best buds and he never even goes out with this woman, so what's there to be jealous about? The sad thing is that you are focussing way too much attention on this woman, and to think you won't 'be very nice to this woman' either. It's not HER fault they once dated, so why does she deserve to be treated like she did something wrong???

[Jolene]

 

It's like when his birthday came, I had to ask if she wished him happy birthday. I knew the answer, but I hate the fact that he just won't be honest about it and tell me in passing conversation without me having to ask....as if it's a secret friend that I am not allowed to meet (he denies that, but funny thing, I've NEVER met her)....so that's why I told him I don't ever want anything to do with it and it's not appropriate. She's like an omen in our relationship. Therein lies the problem. I can't explain it....but I don't think he's cheating on me or ever would. I do think he's wasting his time by keeping in touch with her. Regardless of what happens in our relationship down the road, my thinking is that if these two had such great communications skills and compatability, they wouldn't be broken up....so why stay friends with someone for years and years on end with someone you only dated for 8 months and did not love......??? I don't get it. Unless of course, he STILL LOVES HER....he says he stays friends with her because "she's a good woman", which means she is a basic malevolent human being. So what? I just wonder what is is that he is getting out of a friendship with her......I cut off all ties with every ex of mine. The only time I did not was so that I could keep the door open in case things changed that might make me reconsider. So that is why I think it is dangerous. He laughs at that! He thinks it's ridiculous, and that it's just a matter of a small innocent little friendship...but when I say so then it should be easy to distinguish it, he gets defensive about it. I hate this.

 

Whatever! But I still don't think it's appropriate and he respects my opinion, so as long as he keeps her away from me, everyone will be happy. Hopefully she will get the fact that she is not a welcome source of energy in my household. It's not proper! That's all.

[sarah12]

So what if she wished him a happy birthday?? I don't see what's wrong with that. If one of your ex's who you don't even talk to anymore wished you a happy birthday just randomly, would you get mad about that? Probably not. So what's the big deal? It's not like this woman gave him a lapdance for his birthday or even met up with him! As for him not telling you about it, well he probably doesn't even want to mention this woman if she gets you so upset! Think about it, if he came out and told you that she wished him a happy birthday, you probably would be just as mad that he did so, thinking that he was trying to rub it in your face or something.

 

She's like an omen in our relationship. Therein lies the problem.

She is not an omen in your relationship, she's barely there. You've MADE her the omen in your relationship. She would probably like to be able to be civil with you, but since you have so much hatred towards her, your bf feels the need to hide her away.

 

my thinking is that if these two had such great communications skills and compatability, they wouldn't be broken up....so why stay friends with someone for years and years on end with someone you only dated for 8 months and did not love......??? I don't get it.

Because some people realize later on that they would've been better as friends in the first place, than as a couple.

 

But I still don't think it's appropriate and he respects my opinion, so as long as he keeps her away from me, everyone will be happy.

Do you really want things to be hidden in your relationship? Why not meet this woman in person and see for yourself? Go out for coffee with the two of them.

 

Hopefully she will get the fact that she is not a welcome source of energy in my household.

Although it may irk her a bit, she probably doesn't even care, at least not as much as you do. If she hasn't cared to see your bf in such a long time, then I don't see why she even cares to meet with you?

 

I think you should try and focus on your relationship with your bf, and not with this other woman. Like they say, if it ain't broke, then don't fix it.

[Jolene]

 

I never thought of it that way. Thank you very much!

 

I think I just had my guard up because when we first met, I noticed he had framed pictures of the two of them together in his living room and on the nightable in his spare room and on his dresser.

 

Funny, the photos he has of me are only in the living room up to now. I want to believe him so badly when he says he loves me, but there's a piece of me that's questioning it. That's why I'm not rushing to get married to him just yet. I don't know why he wants to get married to me. He doesn't talk about his feelings very much.

[sarah12]

Photos are the worst. I'm sooo glad that my ex hid his ex's photos from me, even when I really wanted to see them.

 

Believing someone or trusting them when they tell you they love you, is a hard thing to do sometimes. You've got to have that fine balance between just trusting them, and then having them prove it to you that they love you. Definitely hold off the marriage thing if you feel this way. If you are meant to be with this man for the rest of your life, then there is no rush. Take your time. And for goodness' sakes, forget about this women! Tell your bf you're not happy about it but you will try your best to accept her as a friend in his life.