Is he not the man I fell in love with?

[orangemarmalade]

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he was so sweet to me and showered me with lots of time and attention. About a year later, I'm lucky if I get even a third of that.

 

I can't tell if the honeymoon phase is just over or if he just did all of that to win me over and now that he has me he doesn't want to try anymore. Or if he's just focusing more on work and other things he focused less on when he was pursuing me.

 

One example is that he used to make plans and I used to see him several times a week. Now it feels like he's so busy he's just squeezing me in wherever he can. I was so sad this past week when I asked him if we were doing anything for the three day weekend and his response was "I will try, okay?" and I never heard about it again.

 

Another example is communication. He used to text/call me all the time, now he can go a day or two without a single peep and act like it's nothing. He also says things like "it's not the end of the world if you don't hear from me or if I don't reply," but before he wouldn't let hours go by without contacting me, even if it's just to ask what I was doing or say he's thinking about me or that he misses me (which he doesn't do anymore either and I miss that so much).

 

He doesn't even tell me what he's doing anymore until after the fact, whereas before, I knew every little detail of his day and that made me feel so connected.

 

On the other hand, when we are together it's still the same. Still so affectionate and so present. But when we're apart things have changed so much.

 

He says nothing has changed for him and that he loves me all the same and that the more I bring it up as an issue the farther it pushes him away. But one of the reasons I fell in love with him was because of how often he communicated and made plans. I loved talking to him and seeing him all the time. I thought that made us so compatible, because I know a lot of guys think that's clingy and needy to want that much contact/time together.

 

I do know that he's stressing a lot about work and family issues right now, which he didn't tell me about until recently, so I'm giving him a lot of space, but I also can't help but feel like you can't just neglect/ignore your SO when things get rough. I didn't tell him that last part because I don't want to add to his stress, but it's honestly how I feel.

 

What do you guys think?? I'm starting to feel lonely and disconnected and kind of unwanted. I don't know if this is just a lower part of the the ebb and flow of relationships...

[Lois_Griffin]

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to stop making him your number #1 priority.

 

He takes you for granted. And that would be because you're always there for him, always available, always looking for attention from him or to spend time with him, always wanting more than he wants to give.

 

He doesn't have to do a damned thing because he knows you're right there happy to be there for him.

 

I'm not advocating game-playing but what I am suggesting is that you get a life of your own that doesn't revolve around this guy. He should complement your life, not be the center attraction of it.

 

That's the entire premise of the "Why Men Love B*itches" book (even though it has nothing to do with being a b*tch). It's about learning to live your life for YOU and not a man.

 

Men respect women more when they have their own lives and aren't constantly available and looking for attention from them.

 

He even said it himself with this statement:

He says nothing has changed for him and that he loves me all the same and that the more I bring it up as an issue the farther it pushes him away.

This is a good life lesson to follow regardless of WHO you're with. Always make your OWN life your first priority, not the guy you're seeing.

 

I'd be willing to bet that if he called you at 2:00 this afternoon and asked to get together at 3:00, you'd drop whatever you were doing and happily make it happen. THAT'S what I mean about being too available and too needy.

 

Lastly, it could just be that you're incompatible and his needs simply don't match yours. You might want to consider finding a mate who is more like yourself, because this guy clearly isn't. You can either shift your focus to your own life, or move on and find someone more compatible.

[orangemarmalade]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I have my own life. I own and run a business of 30 employees, I'm very active (crossfit, Muay Thai, hiking), involved in church and spend time with friends and family. So no, my life doesn't and can't revolve around him, but I loved the frequent contact because it adds balance to everything.

 

You are right that I always made time for him, because he was doing the same for me. Now he is not. I thought we were making each other a priority because that's what you do in a relationship. Not necessarily #1 priority, but a priority nonetheless.

 

So I guess I am wondering when/why the shift happened from him pursuing and wanting to communicate all the time to... this. He even said our talk stressed him out even more, where I'm just left feeling confused like he pulled a bait and switch on me.

 

I haven't talked to him about it again and have pretty much stayed distant/given him lots of space. So I'm posting here for clarity and it feels so good to get it out. I can't tell if he just did all of that in the beginning, but this is who he really is? Or if it's a passing thing because he is just going through a lot right now? Or if, yes, he got comfortable and truly is taking me for granted.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited May 29, 2016 by orangemarmalade

[Erik30]

He got lazy. He did do all those things in the beginning to win you over. By now he's so used to having you around, he doesn't have to put in effort anymore. (in his mind) He might actually think everything is fine. Happens to some guys, and then they're always shocked when the girl "suddenly" dumps them.

[preraph]

People are on their best behavior in the first few months of dating if they are interested in you. It takes a couple of years to really see the whole person. So a lot of people are let down. But you have to remember the more time passes, then that version is the real version, not the one you fell in love with at first.

[Lorenza]

I fixed a seemingly irrepairable relationship with a guy who stopped having time for me...by completely disowning him. In my mind he no longer owes me calls and meetings as often and in ways I prefer. I started thinking of him as a completely independant individual who can do whatever he prefers. That's when it all changed. There's still a big distance between us and we can't meet whenever, but it's been almost 2 months and he makes sure to write me smth everyday, send sweet emojis, answer within reasonable time, call. He even plans things with me and meets whenever it's physically possible, spends weekends with me. And I didn't have to do anything just change my way of thinking (which actually happened together with another change in my life - becoming vegan, but that's a long story). I didn't make ultimatums or even to talk about it. I think men feel when you start take it easy and drop all demands.

 

Now I don't even need much attention. There's so many things I enjoy doing that doesn't involve him and I forget to even write to him - but he does himself.

 

So my advice is - if you want this guy, stop living and breathing for him and his attention. Being connected all the time is not healthy anyway. Let him live his life and stop thinking you need him all the time. Or... find another guy who'll be just as needy.

[elaine567]

If you are feeling lonely and disconnected despite being your own woman, then this is not working for you, is it?

You are no longer his priority and that is where it falls down. you no longer feel like a team of two against the world, busy but connected.

You now feel he is doing his own thing and you either fit in or you don't see him. That is not healthy, that is a relationship doomed to die, as it is one sided. You may get used to it, you may even say you like it in a way, but if it is not who you really are, it is never going to feel right fromyour end.

He did essentially pull a bait and switch on you unfortunately. and when you want to talk about how it is not working well from your viewpoint, he shuts you down which is not a particularly good sign either.

 

Space is great if both are happy giving each other tons of space, but requests and demands for one sided space can be hell on earth, it creates distance, removes emotional connection and the next step is usually a break. Either the one giving the extra space gets fed up as that is not how they see it working for them, or the one requiring more and more space ends it eventually as they were half way out the door anyway.

[mikeylo]

Relationships need everyday nurturing. I agree, he has become too comfortable and taking you and the relationship for granted. This is beginning of the end. Emotional disconnection creates an emptiness within a relationship that is doomed to fail.

 

You can take a step closer and try to initiate. If he doesn't reciprocate, there isn't much you can do.

 

It takes one person to end a relationship but 2 to make

[Zapbasket]

I don't think your relationship is doomed.

 

You know, I used to advocate communication as a way through something like this. Tell him how you feel; really lay it out to him; etc. In my own relationships, when I feel something is wrong, I swarm in like antibodies to a virus trying to fix it. I always have felt I was doing the "right" and "caring" thing, when really, with the emotionally aloof kinds of guys I've historically chosen, all I was doing was pushing them further away. And then, instead of a loving relationship, I found myself in the middle of a power struggle.

 

It's funny how relationship dynamics work. See what Lorenza describes above. It's amazing how effective pulling away can be at getting a partner to put more attention and effort into the relationship. And people like us, who favor emotional intimacy--we don't want to do that because it feels like playing games. And yet strangely enough, it's not. It's budgeting the relationship currency (vulnerability) realistically. If you treat my vulnerability carelessly, then I will make you vulnerable by focusing my attention more on other parts of my life than on you. What differentiates this from game-playing (and it's a subtle distinction) is that your primary aim is not to make the other person vulnerable, but to preserve your own well-being. It's pulling the focus away from the relationship and onto you, and what is healthy for YOU. This does tend to have a secondary effect of making the careless partner aware that you are not a "given" in their life, and because they are attached to you, they will put their focus back into the relationship in order to keep you. This works less well with emotionally unavailable partners, because they manage the discomfort of relationship intimacy by remaining as emotionally detached as possible. So you pulling away won't likely get your relationship back on track, but it will keep you healthfully attuned to yourself and YOUR needs rather than falling into that common and miserable trap of chasing someone who doesn't want to be chased, or if they do, it's only for control, for an ego-boost.

 

I will say that in one of my relationships, about a year-and-a-half into our five years together, I got very wrapped up in my graduate work and inadvertently stopped putting the needed time into my relationship. We were long distance, and talked on the phone every evening, but I was so absorbed in my work that I felt I didn't have time for us to visit each other as often as he wanted to and as the relationship needed. I wasn't doing it on purpose or because I didn't love him; I was simply too engrossed in one area of my life to realize how I was affecting my partner. But rather than really get in my face to make me hear him, he grumbled a little and then set about seething in silent resentment. So then as my stress mounted with all the other things going on in my life, I felt terribly guilty and powerless to fix the problems between us, because he was not communicating with me about it. I started feeling really overwhelmed, which make me shut down even more. And looking back, I KNOW that had he gotten in my face and said, "Look, GreenCove, I can't have a relationship with you if we don't see each other on a regular basis. I respect your goals but I can't just sit on the back burner while you finish your degree," I would have not only listened to him, but felt GRATEFUL that he was willing to fight for our relationship by being clear about what was required of me to make this the healthy, supportive relationship we both wanted.

 

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to illustrate some options you might have to get things back on track. Some combination of direct, firm communication and pulling your attention to YOU. Of course, if after all that, he doesn't get it then you try one final direct confrontation and if he doesn't snap to, then sadly, you have to break things off. It's horrible but some people are so conflict-avoidant that they just start pulling away hoping the other person will take the hint and do their dirty work for them.

 

Hope at least some of this helps. I know how hurtful the situation you are in can be

[Cinnamonstix]

orangemarmalade,

 

It sounds like you lead a full life and simply want more romance and connection in your relationship past the honeymoon stage. I don't think there is anything wrong with making your partner your priority, if that's what you want. Some people are more romantic and relationship oriented than others. It's only a problem if you settle for someone who doesn't make you his priority. This kind of relationship does not seem to be a goal for your bf, but it sounds like it is for you. If it is, my advice is to cut your losses and find a man who has the same relationship goals as you. He wouldn't let your relationship become what it has become because he wouldn't WANT a relationship like that.

 

Basically, when pulling back is the only way to get your partner to come closer and you're an otherwise mentally healthy person who isn't smothering him, I'm going to say this person is not for you. You have different needs. Take it from someone who has been in your shoes and has since found what I am advocating you to go find. Relationships don't feel like work or games when you want the same thing.

[coolheadal]

The smoke and mirrors of everlasting love are over! He's found his comfort-zone and your living through his nightmare! If you don't like what he's dishing out to you then GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

[lana-banana]

I'm surprised by much of the advice above. If it's been about a year and you aren't talking daily or communicating about weekend plans---and, more to the point, you aren't regularly spending your spare time together---either your relationship is extremely independent or something is very wrong. He's not even telling her about his major life problems, which further underscores the real lack of intimacy. This seems completely out of line for a healthy relationship at the one-year mark, especially when the communication used to be far more frequent. I can't believe people are suggesting the OP is needy, clingy and doesn't have a life of her own. He's the one who sounds like only wants the OP on a part-time basis.

 

Talk to him. Tell him what's not working for you and what needs to change. If he does really love you he'll make the effort for you. But if he can't meet your expectations then you need to walk.

[PrettyEmily77]

But if he can't meet your expectations then you need to walk.

 

I agree with this ^^; it could very well be that he is also realising things aren't quite working well on his end (ie that somehow his expectations aren't being met) and is slowly checking out (sorry to be playing devil's advocate, OP, but I just think it's better to be prepared for all eventualities).

 

Of course without talking to each other, there is no way of knowing either way.

Edited May 29, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[d0nnivain]

If you know he has work, life & family stressors, that is a huge contributing factor to him pulling away. As somebody else pointed out though the fact that you just found out because he didn't tell you is a problem.

 

 

You need to talk to him if you intend to fix this.

[basil67]

People are on their best behavior in the first few months of dating if they are interested in you. It takes a couple of years to really see the whole person. So a lot of people are let down. But you have to remember the more time passes, then that version is the real version, not the one you fell in love with at first.

 

I'm firmly with Preraph here. Now that the infatuation has died down on both sides, what you're seeing now is the REAL him.

 

You've been advised to pull away and not need him in your life. But if you want the kind of relationship where you spend a lot of time with your partner, then I can't see how this would work for you. Better to find a new guy who actually wants to be with you than change yourself to accept the kind of relationship you don't want.