The I don't get girls cause I'm a nice guy, is bull

[Dork Vader]

Okay for years I used to feel that I was a nice guy and that I could not get women because of it. But the truth is I was not a genuine nice guy. I would do certain nice gestures, open car doors, buy flowers/gifts, compliment and so on. How ever those were all your standard check list nice guy things. But could I be truly selfless? No, and with out that you're not nice.

 

The truth was I was a sick alcoholic/gambling addict. I was attempting to compensate for my short comings by being what I viewed as "overly" nice. I would go into relationships with sick women. Then complain that they took advantage of my niceness, even though deep down I knew they were sick. Misery loves company and the only companion misery can find is someone who is already miserable. The deeper my addictions and bad behavior became, the deeper I would stoop for a partner.

 

In my experience it was a complete sham, I lacked self confidence and self worth. I did not have the ability too be a truly "nice guy". I did not have the ability to attract a woman that would respect a nice guy.

 

I see so much wrong with my past dating life, it's absolutely amazing I was so disillusioned.

[Shanex]

I think that guys and even the genuine nice guys should balance a bit their personality. Yes, gestures, gifts, listening to her all of that is pretty cool and many women still dig that, just don't overdo it as you put it.

 

A woman will like also a 'strong' man able to contradict her when she's wrong (sometimes) and will tease her more or less snarkily.

 

You can't dote over a woman too much, that's too mellow. Be nice whilst being still manly so to speak.

[Acerboy]

Last week I was talking to a woman who was 2 times my age. We talked a bit about dating and she told me about her dating life. She said her last boyfriend was too nice. I didn't hide my disappointment as I believe I am a genuinely good guy, and it baffles me to see people view niceness as a bad thing. I don't, as I have put a lot of work into becoming who I am. Anyway, I asked her why she didn't want the guy who was nice to her.. I mean isn't that what a woman wants, I asked her. Then she opened her can of worms. She has a track record of dating men who abuse her. Men who cheat on her. And confess that she has been pushing all the good guys away. It become clear to me why she didnt want the guy who was nice to her

[kendahke]

Last week I was talking to a woman who was 2 times my age. We talked a bit about dating and she told me about her dating life. She said her last boyfriend was too nice. I didn't hide my disappointment as I believe I am a genuinely good guy, and it baffles me to see people view niceness as a bad thing. I don't, as I have put a lot of work into becoming who I am. Anyway, I asked her why she didn't want the guy who was nice to her.. I mean isn't that what a woman wants, I asked her. Then she opened her can of worms. She has a track record of dating men who abuse her. Men who cheat on her. And confess that she has been pushing all the good guys away. It become clear to me why she didnt want the guy who was nice to her

 

Yet those are the women nice guys gravitate toward in an effort to save them from themselves. Meanwhile, nice women get punted to the sideline as they watch nice guys chase these nimrods.

[phineas]

Yet those are the women nice guys gravitate toward in an effort to save them from themselves. Meanwhile, nice women get punted to the sideline as they watch nice guys chase these nimrods.

 

eh.

i've yet to meet a truely attractive "nice" girl.

Being attractive does something to you.

 

I've seen chubby "nice" girls turn into horrible persons when they found the way, got in shape and became hot and all of sudden had more options than they knew what to do with.

 

I was a fatso nice guy for most of my adult life and when I got border-line 6 pack I ran through women at the age of 40 like a college student.

 

hell, I even banged a few college students.

 

I got a little chubby again and it became work to get dates but, i'm back into shape but i've found balance.

It took going from one extreme to the other extreme to being humbled by getting overweight again then going back to being in shape.

[HillValley]

I've never really heard of the " nice" girl complaint. As in " ugh she was too nice," the way nice guys are mentioned.

 

I agree with the OP in the fact a lot of women mistake niceness as simply the act and not the intention behind it. If a guy is only being nice because you are giving him accolades and attention then it's not genuine. The moment she stops giving the him the attention he wants from being nice he turns on her or the situation.

[Jiggs]

There seems to be a huge misconception that women don't want "nice guys", even though their actions would seem to indicate otherwise. It all comes down to how you define the word "nice." When a woman says that she doesn't want a guy who is too "nice," she actually means too "boring." Women don't want guys who they perceive to be boring. Women are attracted to a guy who is confident and fun and a bit mysterious. Be the best, most authentic version of yourself to attract the women you want.

[kendahke]

eh.

i've yet to meet a truely attractive "nice" girl.

Being attractive does something to you.

 

I've seen chubby "nice" girls turn into horrible persons when they found the way, got in shape and became hot and all of sudden had more options than they knew what to do with.

 

I was a fatso nice guy for most of my adult life and when I got border-line 6 pack I ran through women at the age of 40 like a college student.

 

hell, I even banged a few college students.

 

I got a little chubby again and it became work to get dates but, i'm back into shape but i've found balance.

It took going from one extreme to the other extreme to being humbled by getting overweight again then going back to being in shape.

 

And you've met every woman on the planet?

 

Not even hardly, but the generalizations are astounding.

[Imported]

I was walking to the entrance of my gym. A ridiculously attractive girl was a few paces behind me. When I got to the door, I determined that I'd have to stand there longer than 1-2 seconds holding the door to do the "nice guy" thing, so I didn't. Pretty sure she got there just in time to have the door close in her face. Perfect!

 

I wait around for elderly and disabled people. For them, I'd wait a good bit of time. For able bodied women, they should be right behind me or we have or I think we will have carnal knowledge of each other. And I just do the "bro" holding the door open thing now where I open the door for me, walk through and keep holding the door open for the time it takes me to walk past and they better also grab onto the door to hold it open because as soon as I get beyond....the door's not being held open.

[Alamo657]

"Nice guys" is a misnomer for boring guys.

 

Women want to be entertained by men, and they want their men to socially upscale them.

 

"Nice guys" are men who weren't taught the rules of modern seduction early enough, which is being both the clown AND the hero of your woman.

[deep_night]

i dont like self-proclaimed nice guys. the guys who complain all the time that women only go for the jerks. when you're finally the one to pay attention to them you get exposed to all their bitterness and insecurity, not to mention passive aggressiveness and "just kidding" comments. *gag*

[HillValley]

"Nice guys" is a misnomer for boring guys.

 

Women want to be entertained by men, and they want their men to socially upscale them.

 

"Nice guys" are men who weren't taught the rules of modern seduction early enough, which is being both the clown AND the hero of your woman.

 

But those chick's are usually boring themselves. Trying to find a guy to make up for them not being exciting.

[phineas]

And you've met every woman on the planet?

 

Not even hardly, but the generalizations are astounding.

 

And you have?

See you are reverse generalizing.

Really no different than i.

 

I guess maybe you take offence to the fact that there are a large majority of women who ain't pretty.

They just look that way.

[Buddhist]

i dont like self-proclaimed nice guys. the guys who complain all the time that women only go for the jerks. when you're finally the one to pay attention to them you get exposed to all their bitterness and insecurity, not to mention passive aggressiveness and "just kidding" comments. *gag*

 

Yes. I made this mistake once. He wasn't an unattractive guy but once he had a soapbox holy #$%@! the crap that came out of his mouth! The sense of entitlement was enormous as was the victim mentality. That's the real reason I quickly gave him a wide berth. Of course I'm sure he went onto post numerous threads about how he was being so 'nice' to this lady who suddenly went cold and lost his number....:roll eyes:

 

Ever since that experience I've come realise self-proclaimed Nice Guy TM is synonymous with entitlement, victim mentality, self esteem ranging in the subzero temperature. You can't have a functional relationship with someone like that.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Buddhist

[al78]

And you have?

See you are reverse generalizing.

Really no different than i.

 

Er no, nothing like what you said at all. You made a ridiculous sweeping generalisation based only on your personal experiences combined with cognitive biases, and he/she called you out on it, in other words implying that making sweeping generalisations is poor practice, which is correct.

[planb1973]

Yes. I made this mistake once. He wasn't an unattractive guy but once he had a soapbox holy #$%@! the crap that came out of his mouth! The sense of entitlement was enormous as was the victim mentality. That's the real reason I quickly gave him a wide berth. Of course I'm sure he went onto post numerous threads about how he was being so 'nice' to this lady who suddenly went cold and lost his number....:roll eyes:

 

Ever since that experience I've come realise self-proclaimed Nice Guy TM is synonymous with entitlement, victim mentality, self esteem ranging in the subzero temperature. You can't have a functional relationship with someone like that.

 

THIS is what it all really is. The "nice guy" syndrome is not about being a nice guy. It is a compensation for lack of backbone, insecurity, no confidence, and jaded frustration. As the OP stated his nice guyness was actually a drunk gambler covering up his issues by trying to be a nice guy.

 

And I have been there, and was for a very long time. I was terribly insecure, lacked all sorts of confidence, and would allow myself to be a doormat in hopes that if I was just really really nice she would love me. And what did I get... NOTHING! except the boot.

 

So after an extremely emotionally abusive relationship with a borderline that when on far longer that it should I ended up with a great therapist who made me look at the hard truth. I had no backbone, confidence, or self worth. I sought love as a way of making me feel important because in all reality I did not think I was worthy of someones love.

 

I had always heard "Oh he is such a nice guy" But when I finally learned to love myself for all the good and bad parts and accept me for who I am I stopped being the "nice guy". Not that I turned into an A**hole but I became ME. I no longer hear the term "nice guy". I am still respectful, polite, I listen and pay attention, but I will not try to be who I am not.

 

If you suffer from "Nice Guy" syndrome I suggest you look at why. Learn to walk tall and not take crap from anyone. Nice guy, a term I detest, also falls right in line with "friend zone" another term I detest. funny how they go hand in hand.

[Toodaloo]

Okay for years I used to feel that I was a nice guy and that I could not get women because of it. But the truth is I was not a genuine nice guy. I would do certain nice gestures, open car doors, buy flowers/gifts, compliment and so on. How ever those were all your standard check list nice guy things. But could I be truly selfless? No, and with out that you're not nice.

 

The truth was I was a sick alcoholic/gambling addict. I was attempting to compensate for my short comings by being what I viewed as "overly" nice. I would go into relationships with sick women. Then complain that they took advantage of my niceness, even though deep down I knew they were sick. Misery loves company and the only companion misery can find is someone who is already miserable. The deeper my addictions and bad behavior became, the deeper I would stoop for a partner.

 

In my experience it was a complete sham, I lacked self confidence and self worth. I did not have the ability too be a truly "nice guy". I did not have the ability to attract a woman that would respect a nice guy.

 

I see so much wrong with my past dating life, it's absolutely amazing I was so disillusioned.

 

Thank you for your honesty.

 

This is EXACTLY why I do not date "nice" guys...

 

Every "nice" guy I have met has turned out to be bit of a self absorbed idiot. Not at all nice or kind or generous just faking it behind a fascade...

 

I am glad that you have opened your eyes because now you can go on to become a really great guy and trust me you will have no problems with dating once you do that.

[ironspider]

I totally get that. I have learned that many women may say they want a nice guy but really don't.

 

Case in point. I have to wear an ankle bracelet alcohol monitor for an assault while drinking. I've had more women "into" me once they find out. One who i kind of liked said it's because it showed I was a bad-***, and it proves I can protect them.

 

Now these women aren't my type, but if they were I'd be on a tear.

 

I don't get nearly the kind of play when being my nice guy self.

[carhill]

Okay for years I used to feel that I was a nice guy and that I could not get women because of it. But the truth is I was not a genuine nice guy. I would do certain nice gestures, open car doors, buy flowers/gifts, compliment and so on. How ever those were all your standard check list nice guy things. But could I be truly selfless? No, and with out that you're not nice.

While we could further discuss and clarify the similarities and differences between nice and selfless, your reflection indicates to me that you have the self-awareness which attends to a healthy psyche.

 

The truth was I was a sick alcoholic/gambling addict. I was attempting to compensate for my short comings by being what I viewed as "overly" nice. I would go into relationships with sick women. Then complain that they took advantage of my niceness, even though deep down I knew they were sick. Misery loves company and the only companion misery can find is someone who is already miserable. The deeper my addictions and bad behavior became, the deeper I would stoop for a partner.

 

Yep, none of us is perfect and we're all a mixed bag of stuff. Imperfect people come together and sometimes compliment each other in ways which bind them, if only temporarily. Been going on throughout time and will never end. If life is a journey, yeah some parts can get sucky. IME, those sucky parts help inspire gratitude when life is going well. It sounds to me like you've gained a clear understanding of who you were during those times and how you coped and where that path has brought you. Acceptance.

 

In my experience it was a complete sham, I lacked self confidence and self worth. I did not have the ability too be a truly "nice guy". I did not have the ability to attract a woman that would respect a nice guy.

Perhaps, but I see those as separate issues with incidental, and particular to you, confluence. Sure, you made choices in who you pursued and some of that is unconscious, as is their response, and your results were what they were. You could also have been saving children in the Sudan and be equally unattractive personally to women who might otherwise find such niceness attractive. A person is more than their parts.

 

I see so much wrong with my past dating life, it's absolutely amazing I was so disillusioned.

 

You knew and felt what you knew and felt when you knew it and felt it. If those experiences helped form the healthy person looking back at you in the mirror today, well, they did. There's no reward at the end of life for being a good person. There's only death. The reward is life. Enjoy it.

[deep_night]

THIS is what it all really is. The "nice guy" syndrome is not about being a nice guy. It is a compensation for lack of backbone, insecurity, no confidence, and jaded frustration. As the OP stated his nice guyness was actually a drunk gambler covering up his issues by trying to be a nice guy.

 

And I have been there, and was for a very long time. I was terribly insecure, lacked all sorts of confidence, and would allow myself to be a doormat in hopes that if I was just really really nice she would love me. And what did I get... NOTHING! except the boot.

 

So after an extremely emotionally abusive relationship with a borderline that when on far longer that it should I ended up with a great therapist who made me look at the hard truth. I had no backbone, confidence, or self worth. I sought love as a way of making me feel important because in all reality I did not think I was worthy of someones love.

 

I had always heard "Oh he is such a nice guy" But when I finally learned to love myself for all the good and bad parts and accept me for who I am I stopped being the "nice guy". Not that I turned into an A**hole but I became ME. I no longer hear the term "nice guy". I am still respectful, polite, I listen and pay attention, but I will not try to be who I am not.

 

If you suffer from "Nice Guy" syndrome I suggest you look at why. Learn to walk tall and not take crap from anyone. Nice guy, a term I detest, also falls right in line with "friend zone" another term I detest. funny how they go hand in hand.

 

im really glad you had the balls to look at the truth! that's admirable, because it takes work and hurt to reach that point.

[sagetalk]

 

In my experience it was a complete sham, I lacked self confidence and self worth. I did not have the ability too be a truly "nice guy". I did not have the ability to attract a woman that would respect a nice guy.

 

I see so much wrong with my past dating life, it's absolutely amazing I was so disillusioned.

 

Being genuinely nice and caring is something that is in short supply in this world. Fake niceness to try and get what you want is in abundant supply. Girls tend to lump all this behavior into the same category (fake niceness).

 

To be a genuinely nice person takes a vast amount of self esteem. It requires you to stick your neck out frequently and take some damage every now and then. But you will never regret it. If a man's main purpose is always for the good of the other person, and not selfishly using them to get what they want, then that is a Nice Guy in my book.

 

Any woman who doesn't want that, or doesn't return this kindness back to him, is un-dateable.

[thecrucible]

The types of "nice guys" I have dated

 

The Charismatic Guy

I dated a guy at university between the age of 17 and 18. He looked everything like a nice guy. He was very sociable and the life and soul of the party and people thought he was great. I also fell under his spell. I eventually learned that he would get a bad temper when things wouldn't go his way and would resent me for my achievements (which btw I didn't brag about). He would lash out by punching holes in walls and eventually he lashed out at me. I was never seriously injured so I don't want to make too much of it but he did physically throw me around a few times and there were injuries. I even lost a female friend at the time who accused me of making it all up. It can be hard to win against a charismatic guy.

 

He thinks he wants a relationship but he actually doesn't want to work for one

At 19 I dated a guy who was was shy and I thought he was a nice person. I still think he mostly is. But we fell out later in the relationship. I found his attention to my emotional needs quite lacking. I think he held a grudge against women because of his experiences of a lack of success in dating. He took me for granted and rather than discuss problems in our relationship he kept information from me and blamed me for issues brought on by his mistakes. It's like he really desired a relationship but he didn't know how to do a relationship or didn't want to put the effort in. I felt like an odd trophy whom he didn't want to have sex with. I have met similar guys since. They are nice and make an effort to date me but I don't feel that they want me for me. I feel that they want "anyone" and I don't feel comfortable enough with them to start a relationship. I actually felt like this guy's mum rather than a girlfriend.

 

The chivalrous manipulative type

I have since dated a guy who was really into chivalry and I used to love this but now it's the last thing I aspire to in a man. The man I dated who was really into chivalry was actually a controlling person who just wanted to use women for his purposes. This chivalry that I thought was only done for me (how silly to think I was special) were actually part of his game. I'll judge a guy on his merits but chivalry sometimes puts a bad taste in my mouth as I wonder what he is trying to get from me by doing that. Now I am very keen on doing things like splitting expenses unless the guy is particularly insistent because I don't want to feel like something is owed. I want to feel like we are on an equal footing.

 

The one who doesn't stand up for me

There are others I've dated who would be considered "nice guys". One of them seemed sweet and I was close to considering him but I couldn't quite convince myself enough. We are actually good on paper together but one incident put me off him. We were in a bar together and a group of young men came in some of whom were nasty to me at school. One of them said something insulting to me and basically propositioned me and I had to defend myself. Well I can hold my own and tell a guy to get a lost but I would have preferred to have seen him take some charge of the situation. I don't mean being a thug and starting a fight, I just mean saying something to stand up for what's right. It's something I find hard to describe but female friends understand. You want to date a guy you feel safe around enough that you don't feel like you have to take care of everything.

 

The one everyone feels sorry for because he is a nice guy and I should give him a chance but actually he's not very nice at all and everyone thinks I'm terrible for rejecting him...

Well with this one, I turned him down for a date as I didn't see him that way. He asks for friends with benefits which I also decline and I tell him I'm not interested. He then posts a status on Facebook about how I'm a massive you know what. This was a guy I knew at university who used to attempt to drag passed out drunk female students into his room at night.

[thecrucible]

I had always heard "Oh he is such a nice guy" But when I finally learned to love myself for all the good and bad parts and accept me for who I am I stopped being the "nice guy". Not that I turned into an A**hole but I became ME. I no longer hear the term "nice guy". I am still respectful, polite, I listen and pay attention, but I will not try to be who I am not.

 

If you suffer from "Nice Guy" syndrome I suggest you look at why. Learn to walk tall and not take crap from anyone. Nice guy, a term I detest, also falls right in line with "friend zone" another term I detest. funny how they go hand in hand.

 

I love your response.

 

You are right about being labelled a "nice guy". It's not really the compliment you think it is. I would see myself as an ex "nice girl". I actually feel better now that some people don't like me because I feel that I have some spunk and character to me. People no longer think they can walk over me. I don't feel so bland.

 

I think it's the pandering to others which gets it as well. People can sense when you're not being genuine and just saying anything to fit in - they actually prefer when you have a difference of opinion but are honest about it. They never respect you if they get the sense that you will really do anything for them.

 

I also get more attention from men if they know that I am opinionated (without emasculating them) and I'm not trying too hard to impress them. It's not a game, it's just me now having the self-confidence that I am not going to scare off the right guy by just being myself. I think the same is true from the perspective of the opposite gender.

[Moves Like Jagger]

I don't know why you guys have to be harsh on nice guys. Some guys are just not good at dating and relationships. A lot of guys are shy or socially awkward. They grew up with overprotective parents. A lot of these guys never had a strong male role-model. Many of them had parents who immigrated from a third-world country.

 

Yes, there are guys who use their niceness as a way to manipulate women. They use their "niceness" as their ticket to get closer to a woman they like because they're completely clueless about flirting. I've heard some male websites call these manipulative nice guys as "orbiters".

 

However, most of the "nice" guys I know aren't really manipulative. Most of the ones I know are shy and quiet. Some of them are developmentally behind, as they still need their family to take care of them.

 

I know a couple of guys that still with their parents. They don't approach women. They don't do online dating because they're computer illiterate. I don't know how they can manipulate women if they don't even approach women.

 

I know another guy that is quiet and doesn't have any opinions on anything. He lives on his own and is really ambitious. It was painful to see this confident woman lose interest in him when she turned away from him to talk to her friend. I have a lot of respect for this guy because he actually tries.

[Toodaloo]

I don't know why you guys have to be harsh on nice guys. Some guys are just not good at dating and relationships. A lot of guys are shy or socially awkward. They grew up with overprotective parents. A lot of these guys never had a strong male role-model. Many of them had parents who immigrated from a third-world country.

 

Yes, there are guys who use their niceness as a way to manipulate women. They use their "niceness" as their ticket to get closer to a woman they like because they're completely clueless about flirting. I've heard some male websites call these manipulative nice guys as "orbiters".

 

However, most of the "nice" guys I know aren't really manipulative. Most of the ones I know are shy and quiet. Some of them are developmentally behind, as they still need their family to take care of them.

 

I know a couple of guys that still with their parents. They don't approach women. They don't do online dating because they're computer illiterate. I don't know how they can manipulate women if they don't even approach women.

 

I know another guy that is quiet and doesn't have any opinions on anything. He lives on his own and is really ambitious. It was painful to see this confident woman lose interest in him when she turned away from him to talk to her friend. I have a lot of respect for this guy because he actually tries.

 

Self proclaimed "nice guys" are rarely "nice" because they have to work at it. Its not a natural part of their nature. They have to think about it and in doing so they weigh up pro's and con's. They do not carry out acts of kindness for no purpose other than to be kind to another person.

 

Genuine "nice guys" just are who they are. They do kind things because they are actually a kind person. Genuine nice guys are the ones referred to as genuine, kind, honest, diligent, thoughtful... hardly ever "nice" because they naturally are all those things that make up a true "nice" person.

 

You can tell the difference because when a person is genuine others describe them as genuine. When a person is OK but doesn't do anything particular off of their own back but is not so socially inept that you would be overly embarrassed by them people call them "nice". Simply because they are not overly unpleasant most of the time but there is nothing more to say about them...

 

There are always plenty of things to say about a genuinely nice person. So much so that "nice" rarely features on the radar.

 

Genuinely nice people ARE a scarce commodity these days.

 

The phrase "Someone should do something about that" is used far more than "I am going to do something about that".