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Dating a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot.

White Plums

By White Plums
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tayriley Established Member

tayriley

Posted
Posted

 

I'm a huge environmentalist, and the day we started dating he went on a tangent saying how plastic is natural and there's nothing wrong with it or pollution.

 

He....degrades me and my job

 

makes constant sexist remarks towards me and all other women, and spouts racial slurs and remarks....I'm a mixed race child and I have struggled all my life with racism.

 

The constant ignorance has made me so sad and sick to my stomach, that I can't bring myself to even talk or look at him without getting angry.

 

and I've been having constant panic attacks because of this

 

I also don't like being touched and handled like a piece of meat, so I hate when he just randomly grabs my ass or boobs and then he gets mad at me saying I should be happy that he loves touching me. I hate it and it's disrespectful, boyfriend or not. And he keeps doing it regardless of how often I tell him to stop.

 

He is always talking over me and likes playing the victim, and I'm just trying to teach him a little bit to have some compassion and empathy for all people.

 

I'm just tired of the constant negativity because he always finds something to complain about.

 

I'm at such a loss. I'm not happy at all but I believe we can make things work, I just don't know how to enlighten him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

 

even putting all his racism, sexism, hatred aside, he is STILL a bad boyfriend because he degrades you about your worth (making fun of your job/schooling) and he puts his needs first while ignoring yours (grabbing you when you say you don't want it).

 

you say you are mixed race, but it seems you have some hatred attached to being mixed- his degrading other races is no different than degrading yours. you are hating yourself by staying with him. it seems you may have some low self-esteem that you think you don't deserve better than this p.o.s.

 

this person you are describing sounds absolutely vile. any ideas you have right now about changing him or making it work need to be put to rest. the only thing that will change is that you will lose sight of who YOU are and become like him just by being around him so much.

 

now the practical plan- you ALWAYS have a choice. don't ever think you don't. get a lawyer's advice on the house. start saving money. ask your mom or any other family members or close friends (ones who he is NOT friends with) if they can help you out, either financially, or with the logistics of possibly moving out.

 

get an idea of how much he has paid on the house up to this point- get all your numbers and evidence you paid down payment when you get to the lawyer...you are a smart person who somehow has let this guy take down her self-worth. don't let him do it any longer. there is always a way out.

 

be careful when you start putting the plan into action. make sure you are NOT ALONE. i wouldn't put it past this b-stard to hit a woman. if there is even the SLIGHTEST chance he might get violent, then give him the news on the phone, once all his or all your stuff is out of the house (depending on what the lawyer tells you).

 

to me, the best case scenario is you leaving the house behind because that way he wont know where you are living. good luck, i believe in you and you are not alone...check out any womens shelter, and they all have a story like yours--- you can fight this!!

  • Like 1
Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
Posted

WTF!? I don't know if I am becoming more cynical or if I have read too many of these similar posts. It is absolutely amazing what people will tolerate either because they can't be alone, or they hate themselves that much.

 

I'm just curious when you decide to post a thread entitled: "Dating a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot." what in the world are you seeking from the people here to tell you? Nothing in the original post matters, what matters is you need to be seeking professional help....

 

but I believe we can make things work

 

Really?

 

Ok well you just keep on wasting valuable time...

 

What is the old saying... "it is better to NOT be in a relationship than to be in a bad one"

  • Like 5
LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

He is always so negative and bitches about everything,

 

I'm at such a loss. I'm not happy at all

.

 

Dear White Plums, no offense but your post is one of the most negative posts that someone's posted about their SO that I've read on LS.

 

"I'm not happy at all," you write. The reason you're not happy is because of you, not because of him.

 

I know they would welcome me back, it's just always hard going back to parents when you've moved out and been independent. It's more of me feeling incredibly embarrassed and ashamed and it would be hard to face my entire family because I would feel like a massive failure.

 

It seems to me you haven't been independent. And why would you feel like a massive failure to have left such a loser as your bf? I would more see it as a failure to stay with someone you seem to despise as much as you seem to despise your bf.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Probably the must dangerous belief you can hold about anyone is the idea that you can change them.

 

I've never once seen that work out.

 

 

People only ever change for two reasons:

 

 

1. Because they want to.

 

2. Because they have to.

 

 

Neither of those apply in this case.

  • Like 4
Cablebandit Established Member

Cablebandit

Posted
Posted
My boyfriend and I have known each other since elementary school, he's always liked me since then but I didn't start liking him until we were 16 and best friends. However, we officially started dating when we were 24 (last August) due to someone always being with someone else. We recently bought a house together and I love him so much, I've never stopped in the past 9 years and we always just kind of assumed and figured we would get married someday. But now I don't know how I can be with someone so hateful and ignorant for the rest of my life.

 

I've always known he was an ******* and very heavily opinionated, but I didn't realize HOW bad he was until we started dating. I'm a huge environmentalist, and the day we started dating he went on a tangent saying how plastic is natural and there's nothing wrong with it or pollution. It was the equivalent (to me) that saying dinosaurs didn't exist and the earth is flat. I just couldn't fathom or process it.

 

He is an avid Trump supporter, cares only about gun laws and 'Merica, degrades me and my job (I'm a cash office clerk and a full-time student), literally gets so angry when people say they love Apple products (I'm an avid user and an artist and we have gotten into terrible arguments about this because he can't stand the fact that people likes Apple), makes constant sexist remarks towards me and all other women, and spouts racial slurs and remarks whenever a black person makes him angry. There was one time in Walmart where he said I "was walking too close to one of them" and literally picked me up and moved me. It disgusts me. I'm a mixed race child (asian/european) and I have struggled all my life with racism. I never fit into either group, I was never white enough or asian enough and of course come the racial slurs and racial stereotypes. He generalizes them all and says that they're all poor and eating our tax dollars and are too lazy to work and extremely entitled. He often says the N word, even when we're out in public. He doesn't like hispanic people either, but he hates black people the most. And whenever I point it out to him, he defends himself by saying he "would die for any of his black/gay Marines" but that doesn't make him any less racist or homophobic. Oh, he also says Hitler was a good leader lol.

 

What led me here was our most recent fight, an argument that he started by saying that being gay is a choice and transgendered people are confused and can't make up their minds. The constant ignorance has made me so sad and sick to my stomach, that I can't bring myself to even talk or look at him without getting angry. I've suffered with depression and anxiety since middle school, and I've been having constant panic attacks because of this (he also thinks depression is made up and doesn't believe in psychology because he got a C in his college psych course). I also don't like being touched and handled like a piece of meat, so I hate when he just randomly grabs my ass or boobs and then he gets mad at me saying I should be happy that he loves touching me. I hate it and it's disrespectful, boyfriend or not. And he keeps doing it regardless of how often I tell him to stop.

 

He claims that I don't ever let him have an opinion, which is an opinion in itself, because no one can ever take away someone's opinion. But I try to explain to him that just because I get angry and disagree with his opinion doesn't mean he can't have one, but he can't seem to make the correlation and just spouts that I don't let him say anything. He is always talking over me and likes playing the victim, and I'm just trying to teach him a little bit to have some compassion and empathy for all people. He is a class A bigot because he can't stand when someone has a different opinion than him and challenges him. He is always so negative and bitches about everything, a running gag that even all of his friends say "if he's not bitching there's something wrong". I'm just tired of the constant negativity because he always finds something to complain about.

 

I'm at such a loss. I'm not happy at all but I believe we can make things work, I just don't know how to enlighten him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

 

I'm sorry this was so long, I really needed to vent.

 

 

Ha as soon as I saw the title I knew he was a Trump supporter. RUN

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted

I'm at such a loss. I'm not happy at all but I believe we can make things work, I just don't know how to enlighten him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

 

If making things work includes him becoming a different person then I think I need to point out that no, you cannot make things work here. :confused: He's not going to become 'enlightened' on your schedule or maybe at all, ever. If you can't accept him as he is now then forget it.

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