Dating a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot.

May 28, 2016

My boyfriend and I have known each other since elementary school, he's always liked me since then but I didn't start liking him until we were 16 and best friends. However, we officially started dating when we were 24 (last August) due to someone always being with someone else. We recently bought a house together and I love him so much, I've never stopped in the past 9 years and we always just kind of assumed and figured we would get married someday. But now I don't know how I can be with someone so hateful and ignorant for the rest of my life.

I've always known he was an ******* and very heavily opinionated, but I didn't realize HOW bad he was until we started dating. I'm a huge environmentalist, and the day we started dating he went on a tangent saying how plastic is natural and there's nothing wrong with it or pollution. It was the equivalent (to me) that saying dinosaurs didn't exist and the earth is flat. I just couldn't fathom or process it.

He is an avid Trump supporter, cares only about gun laws and 'Merica, degrades me and my job (I'm a cash office clerk and a full-time student), literally gets so angry when people say they love Apple products (I'm an avid user and an artist and we have gotten into terrible arguments about this because he can't stand the fact that people likes Apple), makes constant sexist remarks towards me and all other women, and spouts racial slurs and remarks whenever a black person makes him angry. There was one time in Walmart where he said I "was walking too close to one of them" and literally picked me up and moved me. It disgusts me. I'm a mixed race child (asian/european) and I have struggled all my life with racism. I never fit into either group, I was never white enough or asian enough and of course come the racial slurs and racial stereotypes. He generalizes them all and says that they're all poor and eating our tax dollars and are too lazy to work and extremely entitled. He often says the N word, even when we're out in public. He doesn't like hispanic people either, but he hates black people the most. And whenever I point it out to him, he defends himself by saying he "would die for any of his black/gay Marines" but that doesn't make him any less racist or homophobic. Oh, he also says Hitler was a good leader lol.

What led me here was our most recent fight, an argument that he started by saying that being gay is a choice and transgendered people are confused and can't make up their minds. The constant ignorance has made me so sad and sick to my stomach, that I can't bring myself to even talk or look at him without getting angry. I've suffered with depression and anxiety since middle school, and I've been having constant panic attacks because of this (he also thinks depression is made up and doesn't believe in psychology because he got a C in his college psych course). I also don't like being touched and handled like a piece of meat, so I hate when he just randomly grabs my ass or boobs and then he gets mad at me saying I should be happy that he loves touching me. I hate it and it's disrespectful, boyfriend or not. And he keeps doing it regardless of how often I tell him to stop.

He claims that I don't ever let him have an opinion, which is an opinion in itself, because no one can ever take away someone's opinion. But I try to explain to him that just because I get angry and disagree with his opinion doesn't mean he can't have one, but he can't seem to make the correlation and just spouts that I don't let him say anything. He is always talking over me and likes playing the victim, and I'm just trying to teach him a little bit to have some compassion and empathy for all people. He is a class A bigot because he can't stand when someone has a different opinion than him and challenges him. He is always so negative and bitches about everything, a running gag that even all of his friends say "if he's not bitching there's something wrong". I'm just tired of the constant negativity because he always finds something to complain about.

I'm at such a loss. I'm not happy at all but I believe we can make things work, I just don't know how to enlighten him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I'm sorry this was so long, I really needed to vent.

May 28, 2016

You won't change him. So, either this is ok with you or you leave him.

May 28, 2016

I'm at a loss for what to say given you already have aptly listed the many reasons NOT to build a future with this man.

Sounds like you know what needs to happen here.

The only advice I can give is to be sure to get a hard-nosed lawyer so that you can get half of the house, at least.

Next time, focus on building a relationship with someone who shares more of your values and ideology.

May 28, 2016

...
I'm at such a loss. I'm not happy at all but I believe we can make things work, I just don't know how to enlighten him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle....

What?!?! You're with someone who makes you sick and that you don't respect and you think you can make things work? You're in denial.

You want him to change. You don't want him to be what he is. You think you can make things work with someone who is NOT him (i.e., him after and only if he changes.)

Leave and surround yourself with people who are positive and that you respect. Sell the house together and don't buy a house with someone without vetting that person more fully.

May 28, 2016

I know I'm in serious denial, it's just that I'm stuck because I feel like I won't be able to move back home. My mom really wanted me out and couldn't stand my cats and dog but since I'm still in school and don't have my career started yet (next spring), I can't support myself fully on what I'm making as an office clerk. He would also refuse to sell the house because he says it's his because it's in his name, even though I paid the entire down payment, but he pays most of the bills. I know, obscenely stupid of me.

May 28, 2016

So, if you've known him since elementary school, how could you have not seen this side of him until you started dating? Was he never a sexist bigot before you were together?

May 28, 2016

He never directed it towards me, and I always chalked it up to his parents abandoning him and his brother when they were 2 and 1 and his grandparents had to find them from across the country and raise them. I can see his issues stemming from not having parents and his grandparent's views on racism and sexism and the like coming from them. I don't know, he was just always so nice to me and treated me so well and I was just blinded by stupid love.

May 28, 2016

Start working on a strategy. Quietly start socking away money, and plan out where you are going to live, start searching for a job now, get your resume polished, etc. Search the net for legal advice on getting some compensation for the down payment and your legal rights to what you. are entitled. You have a year, time to get started....

May 28, 2016

You always have more options than to stay in a toxic relationship, which is what you are describing.

What kind of relationship do you have with your mom? I promise you, most moms would rather their daughter live at home than be in the kind of controlling, toxic mess you are in.

Second: is the house solely in his name? Did you agree to pay the whole downpayment without the house being partially in your name? I don't know much about these kinds of things as I am not yet a homeowner, but I'd suggest talking to a good lawyer to see what, if any, your options are. If you can legally force your STBX-boyfriend to pay out at least half of the downpayment, you can use that money either to pay rent to your mom, or to find another place.

Just trust me on this: anything is better than staying in a bad relationship. There is nothing to work on, nothing to salvage with this guy. I know it's disappointing, but incompatibilities like you describe cannot be overcome. It will gradually erode your self-esteem to remain with him, and that will damage your educational and career prospects, mark my words.

May 28, 2016

I know I'm in serious denial, it's just that I'm stuck because I feel like I won't be able to move back home. My mom really wanted me out and couldn't stand my cats and dog but since I'm still in school and don't have my career started yet (next spring), I can't support myself fully on what I'm making as an office clerk. He would also refuse to sell the house because he says it's his because it's in his name, even though I paid the entire down payment, but he pays most of the bills. I know, obscenely stupid of me.

Then you have to adopt out your pets and do what you have to in order to complete your degree and get your career going. You can do this. Just need to step back many steps and embrace the path to real success and responsibility. As I said, you can do it. You already DO see the path, so maybe you're not in complete denial, right?

May 28, 2016

I paid the entire down payment, because he couldn't afford the house without me. He had zero savings. But he was forced to move out of his house because his grandparents were selling it. For some reason, in the whole process, he was so adamant about it being HIS house and being in HIS name because he did all the paper work. But he's not realizing he would be homeless without me and would have had to live in his car and give up his dog. His brother was supposed to come with us, but he left a week after moving in because he hated me because his brother was becoming nicer because of me (his brother is now living in his car in front of his gf's house because the family refuses to let him in) lol. I guess I just always thought I could "fix him", pretty nice and sad and typical of me to think that way.

And giving up my pets is never an option, they are family to me and they're all rescues. They've saved me countless times each time I seriously contemplated dying, I can't ever abandon them. And being with him has made me revisit those thoughts and it's a terribly unhealthy environment, and he doesn't care when I try to voice those concerns. And I know my mom loves my pets, she just gets fed up very easily by the hair and whatnot. I know they would welcome me back, it's just always hard going back to parents when you've moved out and been independent. It's more of me feeling incredibly embarrassed and ashamed and it would be hard to face my entire family because I would feel like a massive failure.

But you guys are right. I know I can do this and I'm really trying to focus on graduating and getting my career started and maintaining my mental health.

May 28, 2016

"And he keeps doing it regardless of how often I tell him to stop"

And you keep staying regardless of what he is like. Look, you can't change stupid. I'd find it very upsetting being with someone so hateful, degrading and disrespectful. Why are you still with him?

Please,you deserve much better.

May 28, 2016

I certainly wouldn't want to live with that. It will affect everything, including his employment.

May 28, 2016

As pumped up as he is with hate and prejudice, he'll probably blow a blood vessel at some point.

Don't get suckered into being his nurse when he does...

May 28, 2016

he also thinks depression is made up and doesn't believe in psychology

Doesn't sound like you believe in psychology either, if you honestly think you can change the way he thinks simply because (for whatever reason) you still want to continue a relationship with him.

And on that note,

WHY do you want to stay with a person whose set of values and morals are SO diametrically opposite to yours? What do you see in him?

IF you honestly think you can change his way of thinking, ask yourself, whether it's possible for him to change your way of thinking. Better yet, would you like it if anyone tries to change your belief system, simply because they want to be with you?

The only person you can ever change is yourself--nobody else. He is who he is. It is not your place to change his believe system.

Don't try to change the way he thinks; change the way you see him.

May 28, 2016

I never thought about it that way, I guess just because I believe my values are far more compassionate than his which of course could always be argued because I can't force anyone to have the same values. But I feel like accepting people the way they are and not being personally attacked by their preferences or orientation is a much better moral value. And I believe everyone has SOME sort of compassion, no matter how far buried down it is. And I really love psychology, I think it's absolutely fascinating. And it's just that I want him to be enlightened and be more open-minded, I know his values won't change over night. I guess it's just extremely difficult for someone like me to process and engage with someone so vastly different. It's just hard to wrap my mind around his thought process, like I just want to believe he can't be THAT ignorant and he has some good thoughts for other somewhere.

I know I can't change him, I'm just feeling stuck. /:

May 28, 2016

Times like this you can't change people for what they believe in and you should got with your gut feelings. You know what he is doing wrong and if your not for it GET OUT! WHILE YOU CAN!

May 28, 2016

I'm a mixed race child (asian/european) and I have struggled all my life with racism.

I stopped reading here.

I'm not understanding why you're giving this moron the time of day. Clearly, you're getting something out of this, even if it's negative reinforcement to your esteem, or else you'd have kicked him to the curb long before 16 years of age. It's not like you didn't know this at the age of 24. You've been knowing this is how he is.

My question is why do you dislike yourself so much that you have this kind of negative reinforcing energy in your life?

And it's just that I want him to be enlightened and be more open-minded,

STOP TRYING TO CHANGE HIM!!! He's not your renovation project. He's a messed up individual who needs some intensive therapy and you're not qualified to be his therapist.

I just want to believe he can't be THAT ignorant

You can want in one hand and poop in the other and see which fills up faster. He IS that ignorant and what's worse is that he's PROUD that he's this way. This really isn't some deep navel gazing thing here. He's one dimensional and very shallow. You can do a whole lot better than him, but first, you need to figure out why you think so little of yourself that you subject yourself to the likes of him. Edited May 28, 2016 by kendahke

May 28, 2016

I paid the entire down payment, because he couldn't afford the house without me. He had zero savings. But he was forced to move out of his house because his grandparents were selling it. For some reason, in the whole process, he was so adamant about it being HIS house and being in HIS name because he did all the paper work. But he's not realizing he would be homeless without me and would have had to live in his car and give up his dog. His brother was supposed to come with us, but he left a week after moving in because he hated me because his brother was becoming nicer because of me (his brother is now living in his car in front of his gf's house because the family refuses to let him in) lol. I guess I just always thought I could "fix him", pretty nice and sad and typical of me to think that way.

That's not "pretty nice" at all--it's really a scary way of proceeding with the likes of this guy.

That money is now gone and the house is not in your name. If you have no legal papers that state you're the owner of the house, then it's not yours. You're a tenant who is renting space there. Just walk away from the idea that you're getting your money back. I seriously doubt any lawyer will take it--you have no case. You didn't protect yourself and you were legal age to sign all contracts.

Good thing is that you're young enough to start over. School can be put on hold for a semester while you work 2 jobs to amass the money you need to get back on your feet. Find a studio apartment you can afford or find roommates who are willing to take on your pets.

But seriously, you're not really in a position to say that adopting out your pets isn't an option--not when your sanity and psychological health are on the line and moreover, you life could be in danger since he's got an ever crazier brother who is sleeping in his car and hates the idea of you in his brother's life. That's not a luxury you can afford right now. You need to be about getting away from this extremely toxic person who is poisoning your mind and your self esteem on a daily basis.

The ingrate didn't have his own stuff sorted to where HE could afford to purchase his OWN home. Unfortunately, because you're too invested in trying to fix him, you're out of thousands of dollars that could have paid for your own place where you can hook up your Apple computer, cut down on your plastic usage, live environmentally and all of the other things that are important to you and do it in peace.

May 29, 2016

As long as there is a paper trail where the money for the down payment came from then that is all you need to show you own the worth of the down payment in the home, your name doesn't have to be on the deed to own a piece of it, of course if you had written an agreement between you both and had granted each other full rights of tenantship in the event one or the other died than it would have been better.

I would seek an attorneys advice to see if suing him in small claims would something you should do.

May 29, 2016

There are lots of guys out there that actually like being told what to think by women. Why don't you just go out with one of them?

May 29, 2016

Action plan now... get out then reflect on why you found it acceptable to be with a guy so clearly opposite of your belief and value system.

I once broke up with a guy for how he treated a homeless man we passed on the street after leaving a restaurant. I have zero tolerance.

I may be single a while

May 29, 2016

The fact your left wing opinions dont mesh with his right wing ones dont make his any less valid.

But if you despise him so much then you should just break up.

May 29, 2016

The fact your left wing opinions dont mesh with his right wing ones dont make his any less valid.

But if you despise him so much then you should just break up.

Quite right.

Only a non-white, communist, homosexual, would doubt the wisdom of this man's views.

He would make a great president.

Edited May 29, 2016 by Satu

May 29, 2016

I'm at such a loss. I'm not happy at all but I believe we can make things work, I just don't know how to enlighten him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

If he's any sort of man, you'll lose that battle.

Why 'enlighten' (lol) him?

There are loads of 'male feminists' (lol) that come 'pre-enlightened'.

Go and date a male feminist that hates plastic is my advice.

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Dating a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot.

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