Not "let's be friends", it's "let's be friends with benefits". Huh??

[pietskiet]

So...I got a twist on the "let's be friends" breakup speech cliche; this time it was "let's be friends with benefits". The rest of the cliches were the same: "It's not you, it's me", "I don't want to be in a committed realtionship right now", "I still really love you but don't want to be committed to you", "You're wonderful and deserve someone who can give you what you want."

 

 

This is the same person who a month earlier was telling me that she had finally met her soulmate (me, I thought) and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, get married, have kids, etc. Now she says that she was "caught up in the moment and didn't mean those things". Oh, yes, and she took me to meet her family and told them that we were getting married.

 

 

We were highly passionate and intimate, and then things dwindled from her side; suddenly she was tired, etc. Work, her other friends and family suddenly became more of a priority. The "reality phase" she called it; the "infatuaton period" was over. Then..the half breakup speech.

 

 

This was all about 2 weeks ago. Since then, she calls or texts me every day, wants to go for hikes or take the dog for a run, but that's it. Otherwise, she's always got laundry to do/has to get up early for work/go to Denver to see her family...you get the picture. She only returns calls as she sees fit, and when we have made plans to do something, half the time she blows me off by saying that she is tired/has to get up early, etc. She will even wait until after 9 p.m. to call and then that leaves me with nothign to do for the evening. I get the "hug with a pat on the back" and she turns her head carefully away from me.

 

 

As to the "friends with benefits", there appears to be a waiting period at this job until benefits kick in.

 

 

Am I just being an idiot by waiting around and hoping? She says that she does not want a committed relationship with anybody right now. She started therapy and says that she has discovered that she has huge amounts of baggage from her past relationships that she needs to get rid of. (Oh, yes, she has a wall in her bedroom full of pictures of one ex, and I mean full. She says that they are 'just buddies' now).

 

 

Am I being BSed and just kept around in case nothing better comes up, or could she be genuine? I really love and care for her a lot, but I am completely confused right now.

[ConfusedInOC]

The only thing that should matter in a situation like this is: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

If she is unwilling to give you want you want (or even unable) then do not "hope" or "settle."

 

Move on without her. When she's cleaned up her act and can dedicate herself to you, then and only then would I recommened a reconciliation.

 

You seem to want all of her and she is unwilling or unable to do so. So why reward her for only giving to you when SHE feels like?

 

IMHO, you shouldn't.

[Sal Paradise]

Am I being BSed and just kept around in case nothing better comes up

 

Thats exactly what you're being kept around for. She is using you. She's a worthless piece of crap.

[pietskiet]

So, does that mean do what they say elsewhere in this forum: NC or LC? Which is preferable? Do I just not respond to her calls and will myself not to call her?

[Merin]

WTF She has a wall full of her EXBF's photos and had them when the 2 of you were together

 

That's sh*tty!

 

You didn't say how long the 2 of you had dated.. I'll guess around 3 to 4 months?

With that said.. she could be that person who is all about that "Infatuation stage" where everything is new and exciting and than not so much about the relationship once the newness wears off...

 

I wouldn't contact her silly butt.. leave her alone and let her hike, bike, trike whatever by herself.. sheesh if she wants a buddy that much tell her to call You-Who she's got all framed up on her wall...

[pietskiet]

Originally posted by Merin

 

You didn't say how long the 2 of you had dated.. I'll guess around 3 to 4 months?

With that said.. she could be that person who is all about that "Infatuation stage" where everything is new and exciting

 

I like your sense of humor! Yes, you hit the nail on the head with your assessment of the time period. I should have got a "heads up" by the length of her last relationships. She is obsessed by the "staying friends" with exes thing. She kept on telling me, re the guy on the walls, that they were "just buddies" now and that I was just excessively jealous. She things it is a sign of "maturity" to be friends with your exes and hang out with them. Turns out that she started banging this guy's best friend after their breakup and "he was mature about it".

 

Alas, it seems that getting past the "infatuation stage" is difficult to impossible. I have never gone from hero to zero in such a short time though; intensity in a short period where she could not leave me alone to even talk (she would start kissing me in the middle of a conversation); then to nothing in a couple of weeks where my touch became something repulsive to her.

 

I have tried the NC thing but have broken down and sent her a text; thinking that by being the "buddy" she will somehow come back. I know, it's a pipe dream, but I live in hope.