Does an Abuser Ever Feel Remorse?

[Otter2569]

I was in an abusive relationship that started out like a fairytale romance. This woman was everything I ever wanted...except she had BPD, trust issues, insecurity and occasional boughts of depression.

 

It took many months to realize what was truly going on but those months were fantastic. She was aware that she needed to work on things and took steps for self care which I fully supported. We even went to couples counseling (which was the beginning of the end as she began to totally self destruct).

 

Long story short: her cycle of abuse continued and escalated to physical violence and threats of suicide. With the help of therapy I realized I was in an abusive relationship and walked away.

 

Does the abuser ever regret their actions and feel remorse over what they have done and what they have lost? Or do they not accept their responsibility?

[CarrieT]

It may depend from where the abuse stems...

 

I was in two abusive relationships and it both cases, the abusers were also narcissistic alcoholics so they couldn't see through the bottle glass into their own issues.

 

To this day, they can't see the trauma they caused and put the failure on the relationship on my shoulders. In one case (the ending of the toxic relationship that brought me to this site in 2008), the abuser's own family have apologized to me for his behavior - as they had seen it before and since - but he never felt remorse or sorrow.

[SammySammy]

Some do.

 

One of my exes was verbally abusive. She wrote me a letter apologizing for it and acknowledging its role in the demise of our relationship.

 

I consider that relationship to be a life lesson. The apology was nice, but the important thing was for me to learn to not tolerate abuse. Lesson learned.

[Satu]

snip

 

*Does the abuser ever regret their actions and feel remorse over what they have done and what they have lost? Or do they not accept their responsibility?

 

My answer is yes, no, and it doesn't matter.

 

*Some do, some don't.

 

It doesn't matter because your focus needs to be on yourself while you do your healing.

 

 

Your thoughts matter.

 

Your feelings matter.

 

Your healing matters.

 

Your journey through life matters.

 

Your hopes matter.

 

Your fears matter.

 

Your dreams matter.

 

Your learning matters.

 

Your realisations matter.

 

Your growth matters.

 

Your understanding of yourself matters.

 

Your return to happiness matters.

 

 

There's enough there to keep you busy for a while.

 

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

Edited May 28, 2016 by Satu

[Downtown]

Does the abuser ever regret their actions and feel remorse over what they have done and what they have lost?

Otter, I agree with Satu and the other posters that some do and some don't. If your exGF has strong BPD traits as we discussed last August, she likely is filled with so much shame and self loathing that her subconscious works 24/7 protecting her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting nearly all her hurtful feelings and bad thoughts onto her partner.

 

The result is that, at a conscious level, she really is convinced that those feelings and thoughts are originating from YOU. This is why BPDers typically do not feel remorse about the damage they've done. Instead, a BPDer remains convinced that you created the problems and that she was simply "The Victim." Always "The Victim."

 

Well, not exactly "always." There are two exceptions. One is the very small share of BPDers -- I would guess 5% -- who have a strong level of self awareness. These are those rare BPDers who, for example, come onto LoveShack and state that they have strong BPD traits and have pushed many people away.

 

The other exception applies to the remaining 95% of BPDers who almost always lack self awareness of their issues. One of them may have such a strong breakdown that she will be get "moments of clarity" lasting perhaps a day or two. In my 15-year marriage, I saw it happen about 5 or 6 times when my BPDer exW became extremely depressed. During those moments, she seemed to experience true remorse and see that her behavior had been very damaging. Yet, because BPDers are emotionally unstable, those brief periods generally have no lasting effects whatsoever -- not that I could ever see. The momentary self awareness is pushed aside by the next intense feeling that floods her mind.

[Otter2569]

Carrie, that really blows!. I know from your other posts that you are happy now and that is the important thing!

 

Satu, you are 100% correct. I occasionally think back to the wonderful times and wish to god that was my reality...but it wasn't, isn't and never will be.

 

Downtown, you were instrumental in opening my eyes and helping me understand what was going on with her. I thought I could learn to deal with the BPD traits but the more I tried the deeper she went into her crazy world. It was like being pulled down while trying to save someone from drowning. All I could do was run to save myself.

[Emilia]

In my view, it's dangerous to ponder whether they feel remorse because then you delve into empathy towards them, potentially trying to fix them, etc. It's not somewhere you want to go.

 

I agree that some do and some don't BUT whatever the case, they aren't in the position to STOP! And that is the main point to remember.

[Cherryz]

I would say no. Since many abusers act or show this "fake remorse" so you can get back with hem and then the abuse continue till you leave them and never go back again.

 

And i dont want anyone to think they should stay because the person will stop or change. Because i haven't hear any success story's yet.

I think maybe when someone convert to Jesus there may be change.

 

But i would say, never stay with a abuser or wait for the person to change.

Once there is abuse leave the person.

And never turn back!

[Cherryz]

There may be some that feel bad after.

But still that doesnt mean that it will stop them from doing it again.

 

You need to leave ! And they need to go get help for their behavior.

[Otter2569]

Emilia and Cherryz, I hear what you are saying. I was told that BPD is an illness. I also cant help but remember all the truly tender, selfless, loving and spiritual moments that we shared and there were many. The connection was unlike anything I have ever experienced before.

 

I also know first hand that she is an evil, destructive, monster.

 

Its natural to wonder how different things would have been if the was not messed up. Trust me I am moving forward...but I do miss the good ****!

[anika99]

I was in a relationship with an abusive man with BPD. I think sometimes he felt shame and sometimes regret but I'm not sure I'd say remorse. He lacked empathy and I think feeling empathy is a component of remorse.

[Taramere]

a BPDer remains convinced that you created the problems and that she was simply "The Victim." Always "The Victim."

 

I think that's very much a component of abusive mindset. Having grown up with a father who had a terrible temper, but was also a very loving individual, I have no problem believing that some people just do not have a handle over their emotions, genuinely feel terrible about losing their temper - but are just locked in a cycle of rage, outburst, guilt, repeat...

 

He had a terribly hard upbringing. From his perspective, we had it great. However, he could see that his own children didn't respect him as a result of his inability to control his outbursts of rage. He then switched to a more emotional, manipulative approach "fine - I'm a terrible father, I'll just go and shoot myself. You'd all be better off without me, wouldn't you?"

 

And yes, all of that is pretty much textbook abusive behaviour. I've mentioned this on here before, and I've had it thrown in my face before. "You were an abused child, therefore you're a broken person, have low self esteem" etc etc. Personally, I find that more disrespectful, callous and in some ways abusive than somebody losing their temper. There's something very smug and detached from reality about that approach towards people who had to learn to deal as best they could with dysfunctional family episodes when they were children. However it's the latter rather than the former which tends to be depicted as abusive. Mainly (and reasonably, I suppose) because the immediate danger posed by a person who has totally lost their temper is far greater than the danger posed by somebody who is inflicting pain in a controlled and non physical way.

 

Being abusive was never central to my father's identity. It was the weak part of him that occasionally came out in angry, abusive ways when he wasn't coping. I think I probably blamed myself for his outbursts when I was very small. In fact, I can remember conversations with my brother where I voiced such views. My brother bullied me pretty badly when I was younger, but as we got older we developed a more mutually supportive sibling relationship and although my brother and I aren't as close as we were, now that we're adults, notwithstanding his early bullying of me I would say that he (along with the books I read as a kid) was one of the main factors in me learning to see that my dad's behaviour was not my fault.

 

By the time I hit my teens, I would say we were both pretty switched on young people who reacted to my father's outbursts in a more mature, effective way than my mother (with her tendency to either start crying and throwing hysterics of her own, or pander to and indulge the outbursts) did. There were lots of other aspects (barring the times he would lose control of his temper - being principled, ethical, empathic etc) that increasingly defined who he was as he got older and managed to get better control over his emotional outbursts.

 

I would say the truly abusive mindset is the one where the person is gravitating to persecutor role most of the time - but noisily persuades others that they are in victim or rescuer role. You see it in the extremist mindset. I'm part of a persecuted group, therefore I can do whatever I like in the name of protecting myself. Nobody has the right to impose boundaries on or express dissent against somebody who is as much of a victim as I am."

 

The victim protection movement began as a noble attempt to counteract the most insidious aspect of the abusive dynamic - blaming the victim, which has the effect of making the victim feel ashamed of being abused. But as is the case with all effective social movements, the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We now have a victim identity movement, fueled by an industry of self-help authors and advocates, that has conferred a certain status to being a victim and thereby blurred the line between victims and abusers.

 

For example, in the beginning of my career, I saw many male abuse victims who would become angry and verbally aggressive at the suggestion that their partners abused them. Now obvious victims, along with those who are not victims but who have identified with descriptions in self-help books, become angry and aggressive if they are not recognized as victims.

 

The primary mistake with victims is urging them to think and sound like abusers.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200905/the-line-between-victims-and-abusers

 

It's hard to address these concepts - and particularly in a section like this one, which may well be frequented by people who are in a very vulnerable place. Victims often blame themselves for the behaviour of their abusers. It's part of that whole cycle of drama that helps to fuel abusive situations.

 

The bottom line is that you can't trust somebody who doesn't have a grip over their own temper. Whether or not they're going to feel bad about it later on, they simply aren't to be trusted in the same way that you wouldn't trust/get close to any unpredictable, aggressive animal. The most rational way to react is to put distance between them and yourselves, unless you're in a situation (prison guard, police officer etc) where you have a clear responsibility to deal with them, scary and risk-filled though it is.

 

Maintaining your personal safety and wellbeing (and those of others, such as children, if they're involved) is far more important than trying to figure out "is this person's apology for their violent outburst a genuine apology or part of an abuser's toolbox of manipulation techniques? Did I do something to help trigger their outburst?"

 

In relation to the posed question...I think the unashamedly and incurably abusive don't have guiding principles that would steer them away from abusive behaviour. They just want to lash out and hurt, under explanation that they're entitled to do it because they feel like victims. Or because they're smirkingly co-opting the notion of victimhood in order to get one over on genuinely innocent or powerless victims.

[Haydn]

Of course i always thought my ex would change and of course destroyed myself in the process. (Much better now:))

 

A cycle of abuse. From repeated dumping`s to physical abuse. A complete mind ....

 

The devil, then the angel. Behaviour never changed until i did.

 

I hope everyone can feel remorse if they feel they genuinely did someone wrong, but with some i don`t think so.

 

When i finally pulled the plug and walked away, there was months of anger and stalking from her.

 

No remorse at all, much more. `How dare he do this`

 

Well i did.

[Taramere]

Of course i always thought my ex would change and of course destroyed myself in the process. (Much better now:))

 

So you didn't destroy yourself, Haydn. You learned some very hard and valuable lessons, but you weren't destroyed in the process.

 

I hope everyone can feel remorse if they feel they genuinely did someone wrong, but with some i don`t think so.

 

When i finally pulled the plug and walked away, there was months of anger and stalking from her.

 

No remorse at all, much more. `How dare he do this`

 

Well i did.

 

Psychopaths and sociopaths are characterised by the failure or inability to feel genuine remorse. Also, a lot of people who aren't sociopaths by any means still see remorse as a weakness to be avoided. Our litigious society doesn't help. Apologies being used against people in court actions etc. I think as a society we would be helped greatly by moving away from (or refusing to reward) that cynical exploitation of decent people's tendency to experience and express remorse.

[Otter2569]

No matter how good or bad it was, no matter how attractive, sexy, wealthy the person, they were rotten, disturbed individuals and even though we may have tolerated a lot of crap and struggled to make sense of it, we were smart enough to walk away.

 

It was one hard ass life lesson...but sometimes that's what it takes.

[Otter2569]

You are right about BPDers blaming others for their troubles. There was no accepting responsibility.

 

ExGF always felt that she didn't matter, that no one ever appreciated her, friends and family always did her wrong, the neighbors always thought they were better, co workers were always taking her leads, etc. When it came to me, it was always something that I did or said.

 

She would start an argument that would go on and on for hours. When I finally reached my limit and lashed out or left it became a non stop reminder about how I said bad things, how I treated her, how I may need help and how I left her. I could rarely get a word in because if I ever tried to say anything I was accused of "blaming" or "trying to cause a fight".

 

Relationship therapy gave me several tools that I was able to use when these situations occurred (and they occurred once a week). It effectively allowed me to focus on her insecurity and controlling behavior where it belonged and also to help diffuse the situation. This ultimately made her crazier. Sadly it did make me feel empowered but its not at all how I wanted to spend my time and effort.