Does MM/MW lose respect for single OW/OM?

[lemondrop21]

My question is for MM/MW in an affair with single OW/OM. Do you lose respect for OW/OM as the affair goes on and you continue with, frankly, cake-eating? Because single OW/OM is settling for you and an A, instead of finding someone else single who can give them a full relationship?

 

As a single OW, I feel that I lost so much self-respect during the A, that it's hard to imagine that MM wouldn't also have lost respect for me over time. Of course I lost respect for him as well.

 

Note, I'm asking those with an EA component - if it's PA only then I guess the single one is just choosing to having some very risky fun.

Edited May 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SammySammy]

As an OM, I don't think my MW respected herself, me or her husband. I think many things she said and did bear that out.

 

I don't respect my behavior. My role in it. That's why I stopped.

 

I'm not sure I can say I lost respect for myself. Just for what I was doing. Which sent me to the exit ramp.

 

To answer your question, she did not respect me. She just used me for her benefit.

[SomethingToSay]

Maybe in a case of true love where a MM quickly leaves the marriage, the MM probably isnt lacking respect. But yes in most other situations I think MM has low respect for OW, whether subconsciously or overtly in his mind.

[imsosad]

Well, Lemon,I think the situation is just filled with disrespect beginning to end.

It was probably the hardest part for me during my affair (both of us were married). The disrespect made me feel empty and unworthy. It made me guilty towards his W and my H. It made me very angry with my AP.

Even though our situation was "balanced",and though he always told me exactly when he would be able to speak and meet and generally treated me well, I still felt anxious, hollow,dissatisfied. Weekends were bad for us both, and though I couldnt speak.or meet either, I felt degraded and demoted to second best.

I can imagine it is ten times worse fir a single OW.

Even if the MM is emotionally attached, I think something about the affair dynamics includes components of disrespect.

I hate to say this, but I do think it often leads to the MM lising respect for hus OW (even though, naturally, he is the one carrying most of the blame and dishonour)

It may happen less when both parties are married, yet the whole R is filled with so much poison, it is bound to affect the partners emotionally and influence how they regard each other.

Being in an A and maintaining self respect is next to impossible,so no wonder it often leads to mutual devaluation,

[Confused9999]

I can only speak for me.

I know my OW was not happy being a mistress and wanted a normal relationship.

However I did not lose any respect for her or treated her worse after time passed, in fact my feelings grew stronger for her.

 

It probably depends on the character and intentions of the MM/MW. If they are just "playing" and using the OW/OM then likely they never had respect for them in the first place and it just got worse over time.

[Cloudcuckoo]

My husband's concubine was single. Divorced for many years and childless.

 

They had no respect for each other nor anyone else.

 

In fact they were such a pair of self absorbed t**s they deserved each other.

 

Thankfully, my husband became human again when he exited stage left.

 

His other woman did not. She hounded me and my family for a further 4 years.

 

That isn't a sign of a person with any kind of respect. Least of all for herself.

 

He had no respect for her at all when she rounded on our children.....

[lemondrop21]

My husband's concubine was single. Divorced for many years and childless.

 

They had no respect for each other nor anyone else.

 

In fact they were such a pair of self absorbed t**s they deserved each other.

 

Thankfully, my husband became human again when he exited stage left.

 

His other woman did not. She hounded me and my family for a further 4 years.

 

That isn't a sign of a person with any kind of respect. Least of all for herself.

 

He had no respect for her at all when she rounded on our children.....

 

I'm sorry that xOW harassed you and your family for so long and hope that eventually your family has found peace.

[ShamanLover]

Great question LD!

 

I think there are so many layers to it. I know I often bristle at the idea that it is only the MM that is cake eating in an affair, particularly with a single woman. I (initially) got into it because it allowed me to have the excitement and pleasure and abandon of a physical relationship without the emotional intimacy and commitment I didn't feel ready for in the wake of a painful breakup. Of course that came to bite me in the ass big time, but some single other men/women could be wired differently, in which case I think it's equal opportunity "having cake and eating it too", no?

 

I know MM did muse aloud a couple of times that it would be much easier (I can't recall the exact word he used, but that was how I interpreted it) if I was married. I never delved into what he meant by that... I think part of it at least was that he thought he would feel less guilt because he wouldn't be preventing me from meeting someone who was available. I tried to date others at the beginning, but quickly discovered that I am a "one-man-woman" (at least as soon as feelings become involved). When I shared that with him, we both laughed at the painful irony. I know he was conflicted - he liked that I was exclusive with him on the one hand (while freely acknowledging that he had no right to be), but it was a painful truth for him to hear because it shone an even brighter spotlight on his own duplicitous behaviour.

 

I don't know if he lost respect for me or not. I know at one point he said to me, when it was clear we were ending, "I don't think you should have any more affairs". I don't think he was moralizing... Maybe just recognizing that I wasn't wired that way... But he said it in almost a paternal way, like he thought I was "better" than that... Which would indeed imply that on some level he didn't respect what I was doing. Hypocritical as hell, but I kind of get it.

 

As an aside, I think MM might assume that MOW are less likely to fall for them, which I would have thought too, but this board has been quite an eye opener for me in that regard. There are just no generalizations.

 

One more thing... Why do we always talk about MM and every one else, single or married, is the "other". Why is the married man not a MOM? Just curious. That has always confused me...

 

So back to the topic at hand - I guess in a nutshell, I don't know if he lost respect for me, but I do know I suspected/feared it would go in that direction the longer it went on. I like to tell myself that the fact that neither of us has broken NC speaks to our mutual respect, but I suppose it could just as easily be attributed to indifference.

[lemondrop21]

One more thing... Why do we always talk about MM and every one else, single or married, is the "other". Why is the married man not a MOM? Just curious. That has always confused me...

 

Someone is an "other" if they are in an affair with someone who has a different primary partner. They are the "other" partner in that scenario.

 

So yes, "MOM" does exist - that would be a married man in an affair with a married woman. For some reason, I don't see "MOM" used much on these boards, and I think that people often use "MM" to refer to a married man involved with either a single OR married woman. I do see "MOW" occasionally, but more commonly just "MW." Maybe it's feels odd for someone to self-identify as an "other" when they are also cheating?

 

Ok I'm not accounting for gay relationships which are occasionally posted about here - in that case the gender terminology is slightly confusing until you realize what's going on. But hopefully you get the picture.

 

Thanks to everyone who has posted on this thread so far, it's interesting feedback to be sure.

[Doublegold]

The lack of respect is towards the person the Affair Partner is married to. The married person is showing immeasurable disrepect toward their spouse. The person choosing to be in a relationship with a Married person is doing just that--choosing to be in that relationship.

 

I am not concerned about his marriage. They were miserable for many many years before we met. If married people stay together for whatever reasons while living a double life then that is their choice.

 

I am not going to be with someone who has no respect for me. Period. I know he loves me deeply as I do him. Sometimes lives are complicated and circumstances are different for everyone. There is no black and white in affairs, just lots of grey.

 

Sometimes the BS is settling for what they want/need, as is the married person and the single OW/OM. Sometimes two people fall in love and are happier together and miserable when not.

 

I live a full and happy life, he is a big part of it--but I don't lay about sobbing and feeling disrepected. We have been together many many years. The past three days he drove three hours each day to visit, shop, cook, and enjoy my friends and my company. I don't think someone who didn't love or respect someone would bother to be so kind (to us).

 

And it wasn't because he doesn't respect me or feels I am a concubine who provides sex (his knee is out so I gave him a pass on that ).

[cocorico]

My question is for MM/MW in an affair with single OW/OM. Do you lose respect for OW/OM as the affair goes on and you continue with, frankly, cake-eating? Because single OW/OM is settling for you and an A, instead of finding someone else single who can give them a full relationship?

 

 

Clearly my fMM did not lose respect for me, as he would not have married me if he had.

 

But I think the question you ask goes to the root of why the MM is having the A, and how he conceives of the A and the APs. Some MM are in it for the lulz, to get a little bit of passion to perk up their humdrum marriage / life - and for these MM, there's probably little respect for the OW (or even for themself) to begin with. So, not much to lose, but over time he may get bored and move on to the next, and that may be because he has lost respect (the little he had) or it may be that over time, getting to know her, he gained some respect, and started to feel uncomfortable using her as his toy.

 

In other cases, the MM falls in love with the OW, and an A ensues. Depending on the nature of the R, like any other R, the MM could become closer to the OW over time, could develop more respect for her as he gets to know her better - or, he could look at her and wonder, "what was I thinking?", and lose respect for her.

 

So much depends on the trajectory of the R. So much also depends on the MM, his feelings about being in the A and about himself as an AP. A MM who constructs his A as a grand narrative of True Love Against Obstacles is less likely to be filled with self-loathing and to disrespect the OW than a MM who constructs his A as some hidden, shameful aspect to f himself he's in denial about.

 

And of course, so much depends on the OW. If she shrugs off whatever label he pins on her, acts with dignity and confidence, she's more likely to exude qualities that garner respect, than if she's acting like some self-loathing creature that crawled out of a gutter, only good enough to be used and discarded. If we deserve respect, and act as though we do, we're more likely to get it than if we act as if we're rubbish.

[dichotomy]

Speaking second hand from what I know.

 

They had little major respect for each other - they were both selfish taking or getting what they needed sexually and/or emotionally. They both understood they were players at the time. However Single OW was busy with other single men, hoping for something more serious - while hanging on to MM.

 

Not sure if this helps you.

[Arieswoman]

I can only repeat what my exH told me when after we had just got divorced ;

 

"I love her (OW) more than I have ever loved you, but I respect you more"

 

So make what you will out of that

[carhill]

My question is for MM/MW in an affair with single OW/OM. Do you lose respect for OW/OM as the affair goes on and you continue with, frankly, cake-eating?

Why would I continue a voluntary association with someone I didn't respect and love? That defies sense and sensibility.

Because single OW/OM is settling for you and an A, instead of finding someone else single who can give them a full relationship?

I could see that with someone who had no intentions of ending their marriage. I wasn't one of those. I wanted it over and done as speedily as possible. I had a plan and timeline and executed on schedule. The OW wasn't around anymore and that was her choice.

 

As a single OW, I feel that I lost so much self-respect during the A, that it's hard to imagine that MM wouldn't also have lost respect for me over time. Of course I lost respect for him as well.

I can understand your perspective, having processed those emotions decades ago as an OM and dealing, in general, with MW's for many years. In total, it's kinda put me off women in general. Too much. Healthier to be alone.

 

Note, I'm asking those with an EA component - if it's PA only then I guess the single one is just choosing to having some very risky fun.

Yeah, got it. I didn't have sex with anyone who wasn't available for an exclusive and committed relationship so fit the parameters. Met a lot of MW's in my life. Loved a few. Learned a lot. Thanks ladies it's been enlightening.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I can only repeat what my exH told me when after we had just got divorced ;

 

"I love her (OW) more than I have ever loved you, but I respect you more"

 

So make what you will out of that

 

Oh Aries, that did make me laugh!

 

The ravings of a lunatic never make sense....:rolleyes:

[Arieswoman]

CC,

 

The ravings of a lunatic never make sense....

 

No, I couldn't figure it out either .....

[lemondrop21]

I can only repeat what my exH told me when after we had just got divorced ;

 

"I love her (OW) more than I have ever loved you, but I respect you more"

 

So make what you will out of that

 

I'm not sure what on earth he meant by that comment... I suppose I'm glad for you that he's out of your life! Seems like quite a bit of cognitive dissonance there.