She left me and I keep holding on

May 28, 2016

Hi guys,

Thanks for taking the time to read this post. I really feel like I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm usually not the one that looks for help online, but I thought maybe it would help.

My gf broke up with me 5 weeks ago. She said she needs time out of a relationship because she feels like she's instable (she's been kind of battling a depression since we started dating, although she would never admit that.. She did take antidepressants though but quit with it about a year ago). I must note that we've been in a "long-distance" relationship, because we did not live in the same town.

She said when she broke up with me, that she still loves me and that she has never loved anyone as much in her life. We've been in a relationship for about 2,5 years and especially in the beginning we had a lot of fights. There was a lot of drama in the relationship, but I loved her nonetheless and I know she loved me just as much. During the relationship I've often wondered if I should break it off because the drama was too much, but I never did because I wanted to give it another chance and I loved her. Seems she beat me to it in the end.. So I don't understand that if I thought about it like that during the relationship, then why does it hurt so much now that she dumped me?

It's been 5 weeks and in the meantime we have been having some contact over Whatsapp. The first week this contact was pretty intense and quite normal. But the more weeks passed, the less the contact became because she wants me to get over her and move on.

This hurts like hell and I really don't know what to do. We're 5 weeks further and my mind keeps going in circles, wondering if I was ever enough for her and if she still loves me or is lying to me about not wanting a relationship right now and is already seeing someone else. She told me she needs to work on herself because she had unhelping thoughts (meaning not positive ones about herself). She has no job, still lives with her parents and just started studying again after a few failed attempts in college. She wanted space, a job, her own house and to finish her first year of college well. And I understand that perfectly.

I really want to give her time and space, and I want her to be happy. I love her so much. But I also want to be with her, though I know that won't happen anymore. At least not for now (but this is also something I keep saying to myself..) I did delete her off facebook yesterday, because she had blocked her profile for me anyway.I hope that was a good step.

She in the meantime seems to move on pretty quickly. She is going out with friends and started doing a lot of things. I don't know what to make of this, but it seems like she's getting over me real quick, even though the break up was very emotional for her too. And 2 weeks ago she texted me that she still loves me and is sorry she's abandoning me like this. We also JUST got a house together, which I live in by myself now.. and pay for by myself as well. It sucks, but I can manage, I try not to blame her for that. The hardest thing for me is that she's giving me so many mixed signals..

It breaks me every time, and I just can't seem to let her go, even though I want the best for her. Friends and family are telling me to move on and focus on myself, and I really try. Some days are okay, but then after a while I just go back into that dark place again and I can only cry.

I really hope you guys have some advice on how to deal with this, because honestly I feel like I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading my rant..

Edited May 28, 2016 by OngoingThoughts

May 28, 2016

You are somebody who will benefit from NC. Every time you chat on WhatsApp you delay your own healing. Especially because you were in an LDR most of what you had was communication so the chatting is not much different from the relationship. A clean break will help you realize that she is not coming back. Her statements about being unstable & needing to think are classic phrases used to soften the blow because she doesn't have it in her to simply have a clean break

May 28, 2016

She in the meantime seems to move on pretty quickly. She is going out with friends and started doing a lot of things. I don't know what to make of this, but it seems like she's getting over me real quick, even though the break up was very emotional for her too. And 2 weeks ago she texted me that she still loves me and is sorry she's abandoning me like this. We also JUST got a house together, which I live in by myself now.. and pay for by myself as well. It sucks, but I can manage, I try not to blame her for that. The hardest thing for me is that she's giving me so many mixed signals..

It breaks me every time, and I just can't seem to let her go, even though I want the best for her. Friends and family are telling me to move on and focus on myself, and I really try. Some days are okay, but then after a while I just go back into that dark place again and I can only cry.

I really hope you guys have some advice on how to deal with this, because honestly I feel like I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading my rant..

She ended it probably because there is someone else. You keep coming back for breadcrumbs. She just doesn't want to tell you the full truth probably.

At this time you need to go dark (complete no contact) and move on. She has.

Unless you like living in limbo holding out for some hope? Why???

May 28, 2016

It wont get easier until you actually do just accept that right now you cannot call text or talk.

You will never give yourself a chance to get better if you dont truly start to heal and grieve.

You are normal.

The crying, anger, fear, obsessing...it hits so hard in the beginning.

If you allow her the time she might realize and gain clarity.

You will as well.

Many guys come around later who were once depressed and suicidal and say the breakup was the best thing that ever happened.

Stay close to friends and family.

Allow yourself to begin accepting...if it gets too dark call your doctor there are things he can prescribe to help you if you need it.

You are not alone. Its hurtful and hard.

But if it is meant to be and she is meant for you...time and the universe will make that happen.

For now all you can do is let go and know that time will help you. Brighter dats will come.

Write here often and seek counseling if yiu can too.

Take up running or gym to burn endorphons and help your confidence.

Avoid music and social media a bit too.

No stalking...close accounts...block numbers. Get tough and strong on yourself. Be selfish. Its going to be ok. The first 3 momths are brutal...please dont give up. Rooting for you honey.

May 28, 2016

As harsh as it may sound, go NC. You'll see that within some days, you'll already see an improvement. Meanwhile, work on yourself and your stuff. Go out as you wish, call an old friend, do something outside. Things will start getting better.

Also, if she's uncertain about the relationship, then a break up may be a good idea. That will clear her mind and yours as well. Afterall, if she needs time apart, it means something wasn't going well, so you should rather know about it now than when you're both living together and with like 3 kids to take care of, right?

May 28, 2016

snip

*It breaks me every time, and I just can't seem to let her go, even though I want the best for her. **Friends and family are telling me to move on and focus on myself, and I really try. Some days are okay, but then after a while I just go back into that dark place again and I can only cry.

*The best way of dealing with this repeated 'breaking' is to implement strict No Contact, and stick to it.

NC helps in 2 ways:

1. It prevents you being hurt again by your ex.

2. It allows you to focus on your healing, without any distractions from your ex.

It really does make things easier.

**Your Friends and family are giving you good advice.

Shift your attention to yourself and your healing.

Here is a checklist for you:

Are you eating enough, and eating healthily?

Are you drinking enough water?

Are you exercising?

Are you getting enough rest?

If you are on any prescription medications, are you taking them as prescribed?

Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?

Are you getting out of the house enough?

Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?

Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?

It will get easier as time passes.

Take care.

May 28, 2016

She ended it probably because there is someone else. You keep coming back for breadcrumbs. She just doesn't want to tell you the full truth probably.

I asked her if this was true and she said it was not. That there was no one else. She's never been a good liar to me, so I think I believe her. But of course it could be true and she could have fallen for someone else. But I doubt it because two days ago in the middle of the night she sent me a text saying: "Just texting because I want you to know I had to think of you." Would be extremely cruel if she'd be already be with someone else... But it messed up my head nonetheless and made me wonder why she sent it.

She said that it isn't my fault, but that it was the fact that she could not handle a relationship right now because she had been feeling bad for a while now. That she loved me, but that she needed to work on herself..

May 28, 2016

Maybe, maybe not. If there is she's not going to tell you. They never, ever do.

You need to face reality. Get out of the denial. It's over. SHE ended it.

Move on. Block her so she doesn't have the power to keep you hanging on.

May 28, 2016

It wont get easier until you actually do just accept that right now you cannot call text or talk.
You will never give yourself a chance to get better if you dont truly start to heal and grieve.
You are normal.
The crying, anger, fear, obsessing...it hits so hard in the beginning.
If you allow her the time she might realize and gain clarity.
You will as well.
Many guys come around later who were once depressed and suicidal and say the breakup was the best thing that ever happened.
Stay close to friends and family.
Allow yourself to begin accepting...if it gets too dark call your doctor there are things he can prescribe to help you if you need it.
You are not alone. Its hurtful and hard.
But if it is meant to be and she is meant for you...time and the universe will make that happen.
For now all you can do is let go and know that time will help you. Brighter dats will come.
Write here often and seek counseling if yiu can too.
Take up running or gym to burn endorphons and help your confidence.
Avoid music and social media a bit too.
No stalking...close accounts...block numbers. Get tough and strong on yourself. Be selfish. Its going to be ok. The first 3 momths are brutal...please dont give up. Rooting for you honey.

Thank you for your reply. I think you're right. If we do belong together, maybe in a year or more we will meet again. For now it's done. It hurts, and some days I can cope better than others. But I'll have to move on. Planning to see a doctor the coming week for help. I haven't gotten angry with her at all, I can't. I am just feeling this intense sadness.

I was already avoiding music and facebook. And I really try to keep my life fully planned as possible. It's just the unguarded moments I have some time to myself before going to bed and so, that it hits me and it hurts and my chest tightens.

May 28, 2016

As harsh as it may sound, go NC. You'll see that within some days, you'll already see an improvement. Meanwhile, work on yourself and your stuff. Go out as you wish, call an old friend, do something outside. Things will start getting better.

Also, if she's uncertain about the relationship, then a break up may be a good idea. That will clear her mind and yours as well. Afterall, if she needs time apart, it means something wasn't going well, so you should rather know about it now than when you're both living together and with like 3 kids to take care of, right?

You are right, better now than later. We were about to live together, but she called the relationship off the weekend we were supposed to move. I just feel hurt that she was so excited about living together and at the last moment just called it off.

I try to keep active, go to work, internship, study and meet with friends. But it doesn't always help and often during the activities I still think of her.

I really hope time will heal, because right now it feels like it doesn't do much for me.

May 28, 2016

snip

Here is a checklist for you:

Are you eating enough, and eating healthily?

Are you drinking enough water?

Are you exercising?

Are you getting enough rest?

If you are on any prescription medications, are you taking them as prescribed?

Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?

Are you getting out of the house enough?

Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?

Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?

It will get easier as time passes.

Take care.

Thank you Satu for your reply.

Regarding you checklist:

Are you eating enough, and eating healthily?

Yes

Are you drinking enough water?

Could be more but I've never been a good drinker

Are you exercising?

Yes, once or twice a week.

Are you getting enough rest?

Yes, I sleep full nights and thankfully am not awake much during the night.

If you are on any prescription medications, are you taking them as prescribed?

No, I don't take medication.

Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?

Yes, family, school, friends, work, etc.

Are you getting out of the house enough?

I try to be away as much as I can because the house reminds me of that it could have been our place.

Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?

I don't do drugs and don't drink often.

Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?

I still resumed going to school, work, etc. So I guess so yes. The first two weeks I didn't.

So I feel like I'm doing pretty much everything everyone advices. But it still hits me hard sometimes during the day and then there is nothing I can do to stop the feeling of missing her presence. And then I feel like I'm this black pit of darkness even though I try so hard to move on. I don't want to bother my friends anymore about it. They know it's not going too well. But they are only saying: it will get better and you will get over her. She wasn't right for you anyway.

Edited May 28, 2016 by OngoingThoughts

May 28, 2016

I hate the "I've been feeling like this for a while" excuse. She has a mouth...how is it that she speaks up to break things off AFTER you invest in a house, but can't speak up to work on things before it got to that point? It is more than possible to work on yourself in a relationship. In fact, you should never stop working on yourself and being in a relationship or out of it is irrelevant. Mental issues aside, excuses like this are crap.

May 28, 2016

*I haven't gotten angry with her at all, I can't. I am just feeling this intense sadness.

*You haven't gotten angry with her yet, but you will.

Here are the stages of grief, I'll leave it to you to decide which stage you're in:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Take care.

May 28, 2016

snip

*So I feel like I'm doing pretty much everything everyone advices. But it still hits me hard sometimes during the day and then there is nothing I can do to stop the feeling of missing her presence. And then I feel like I'm this black pit of darkness even though I try so hard to move on. I don't want to bother my friends anymore about it. They know it's not going too well. But they are only saying: it will get better and you will get over her. She wasn't right for you anyway.

*You are doing all the right things, then.

Keep it up and you'll make good progress.

Take care.

May 28, 2016

I hate the "I've been feeling like this for a while" excuse. She has a mouth...how is it that she speaks up to break things off AFTER you invest in a house, but can't speak up to work on things before it got to that point? It is more than possible to work on yourself in a relationship. In fact, you should never stop working on yourself and being in a relationship or out of it is irrelevant. Mental issues aside, excuses like this are crap.

That is a good question. I haven't really though about that yet.. last year I've been away for studies for 4 months. It was hard because in the meantime she had started new medication which made her feel bad. I couldn't help her from that far away. We had some issues because of this and back then I was quite sure the relationship was going to be over. We saw each other twice during those 4 months. Once for a weekend and once for a week. Then after two months not seeing each other at all, I came back and we were still together and tried again. I felt like I had taken her for granted for a long time and was willing to invest in the relationship to make her feel better too. I bought her very nice gifts for her birthday to show her I wanted to spend my money on her. And took her on a wellness day and dinner. I also made her a gift for valentines day. Before leaving she had spoken about the wish to live together, so I started searching for a house for us. Also to show her how much I loved her and that I really wanted to be with her and live with her.

I really don't know why she didn't speak up sooner. If she had I would still be living in my cheaper home.. I can manage and the house is bigger. But it still sucks because it left me with a lot of work.. and it hurts. I just think she expected me to know that she was not okay. Sure she had some issues and was sad sometimes, but I feel like I underestimated all of that in the end. I blame myself also for not noticing this well enough..

Edited May 28, 2016 by OngoingThoughts

May 28, 2016

That is a good question. I haven't really though about that yet.. last year I've been away for studies for 4 months. It was hard because in the meantime she had started new medication which made her feel bad. I couldn't help her from that far away. We had some issues because of this and back then I was quite sure the relationship was going to be over. We saw each other twice during those 4 months. Once for a weekend and once for a week. Then after two months not seeing each other at all, I came back and we were still together and tried again. I felt like I had taken her for granted for a long time and was willing to invest in the relationship to make her feel better too. I bought her very nice gifts for her birthday to show her I wanted to spend my money on her. And took her on a wellness day and dinner. I also made her a gift for valentines day. Before leaving she had spoken about the wish to live together, so I started searching for a house for us. Also to show her how much I loved her and that I really wanted to be with her and live with her.

I really don't know why she didn't speak up sooner. If she had I would still be living in my cheaper home.. I can manage and the house is bigger. But it still sucks because it left me with a lot of work.. and it hurts. I just think she expected me to know that she was not okay. Sure she had some issues and was sad sometimes, but I feel like I underestimated all of that in the end. I blame myself also for not noticing this well enough..

Dude, you're not a mind reader. You can only do so much by picking up on nonverbal cues. She has to be able to communicate with you. If that doesn't happen and she closes herself off to you, nothing you do can make her happy...been there, done that. Don't beat yourself up, you tried.

May 28, 2016

It wont get easier until you actually do just accept that right now you cannot call text or talk.
You will never give yourself a chance to get better if you dont truly start to heal and grieve.
You are normal.
The crying, anger, fear, obsessing...it hits so hard in the beginning.
If you allow her the time she might realize and gain clarity.
You will as well.
Many guys come around later who were once depressed and suicidal and say the breakup was the best thing that ever happened.
Stay close to friends and family.
Allow yourself to begin accepting...if it gets too dark call your doctor there are things he can prescribe to help you if you need it.
You are not alone. Its hurtful and hard.
But if it is meant to be and she is meant for you...time and the universe will make that happen.
For now all you can do is let go and know that time will help you. Brighter dats will come.
Write here often and seek counseling if yiu can too.
Take up running or gym to burn endorphons and help your confidence.
Avoid music and social media a bit too.
No stalking...close accounts...block numbers. Get tough and strong on yourself. Be selfish. Its going to be ok. The first 3 momths are brutal...please dont give up. Rooting for you honey.

Hi - I'm intrigued; why avoid music?

May 31, 2016

A few days ago in the middle of the night she texted me she was thinking of me. I replied the morning after I thought of her too. And we chatted casually very short about nothing heavy.

This morning (almost a week later) I sent her a text I was thinking of her and hoping she was doing well and that I still care about her. Kind of to give her reassurance I'm not mad and doing okay.

I thought I didnt really expect a reply back. But now hours passed and I notice somewhere that I do. How do I stop expecting? I know she wants me to stop caring about her too much because she wants me to get over her and I think she wants to get over me. But we said we would try to be friends and the ignoring is kind of hurtful. I try to tell myself not to expect anything but I can't shake the feeling.. and I feel stupid for breaking the NC.

May 31, 2016

Listen man,

I know it's hard and I've been there before, but you need to let her go. When I say that, I mean delete her phone number and stop contacting her. Coz if she's going out with her friends and having fun, it shows that she's over you.

What you should do is forget about her and move on. Take your friends out for a drink and have fun or make new friends and enjoy life man. You shouldn't be constantly worrying about making the relationship work, you should be out there having fun man coz life's short.

Richard Bach one said," If you love someone set them free, If they come back they're yours. if not they never were.

Bottom line: forget about her, enjoy life and if you fall in love again go for it, don't be scared and start a relationship for the right reasons,

Edited May 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

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