nancyha Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I am 31 and have been single for 7 years now (and counting). I had a four year relationship which was pretty problematic, we have never stop talking, right now we are friends but for 2 years after we broke up it was just a bad idea because we just kept hurting each other. Right now I can honestly say we are friends, I've seen him with other girls, he tells me about them and the other way around and there is no jealousy or anything involved. So I would say that relationship is over. In the last years I've met quite a few guys, have gone out on dates, have had random hook-ups, and all that. I've had guys like me who I didn't like back and the other way around. I've had bad timings, I've met jerks.. I have been out there I would say. I consider myself to be ok looking, I am fit, I have a complete life (work, friends, hobbies, etc.). I can honestly say people who know me well and are around me appreciate me and think I am a loving, nice person. So I am quite disappointed and feel like a freak for being alone for so long. My single life is good, I'm not desperate to be in a relationship. Still it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I really don't know anyone else who has been single for this long and I don't think there is anything particularly unappealing about me. Sure, I've made mistakes with guys I've met and liked.. but haven't we all? I see all kinds of people around me who are in relationships that are in no way perfect so it's difficult to understand why I, with all my defaults and virtues, can't seem to find one.
coolheadal Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 5 years for me but still having fun and enjoying life. I am not rushing things when it happens it happens. You should date people you really like to be with though. Don't settle for less than what you want. Not fair to them either. Everyone gets their hopes up and no one wants to get hurt or crush too. You should sit down and make a list of what you want to do about all of this. 1. Are you happy with yourself right now? 2. Are you okay living single? 3. Are you just looking for short-term dating? 4. Are you ever going want to live with someone for a long-lasting relationship? Got to ask yourself these type of questions. I am always seeking and I have patience's, because you got too today! Sure I don't want to be alone either but it's not my choice it just happens that way! 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I can relate to that Only recently I became okay with being single a lot of it is your perception and the comparison of yourself to other people. Before my ex- I was single for 12 and a half years. There were guys who were curious as to why I was single for that long ( did you have sex in that time?) that was a major question a lot of men had on their lips. I understand. I get it... but here's something I've learnt. A.) you're not a freak because you have been single in that time you really have to not think of yourself like that because saying that to yourself is like saying to the universe " I don't believe I am good enough or deserving of love" and if you think like that, you will be single for a lot longer than you are now, so trust me, do not think like that. Your single status is not a definition of who you are as a person. B.) A LOT of people have been single for years and years on end. A LOT. You may feel like the only person but surprisingly, your'e not. My ex boyfriend was single for 7 years had a two year relationship and then had a 2 year relationship and then met me, then we broke up after only 2 months and then he immediately got with someone else. He had lots of gaps in his " relationship resume" but he had lots of confidence and intelligence. I don't think of dating like an interview but if you do have gaps in your dating history, sell what is your strengths. Your hobbies. If you are fit and healthy and pretty, a lot of guys aren't going to think "ooooh red flag she has been single for such a long time, they're going to be thinking, she's cute and nice" sell what is your assets. I use to complain on this forum all the time about how miserably single I was and for so long. Something is wrong with me, something is horrible about me, why, why, why until it dawned on me, we attract what we THINK and believe we deserve. A lot of people aren't single for very long because they KNOW they deserve good and they believe they are a good partner for the right person. Some people aren't single for very long but aren't half as pretty or as confident as you are. They might even be intimidated in your presence because you come off as strong while they become aware of your neediness. I have been single 12 and a half years to 13 years, to the wrong person, they're going to interrogate me with questions " Why have you been single for so long? what's wrong with you that you were single for so long? did you have sex in that time? are you afraid of men? is there something wrong with you?, you're a good looking woman, I don't understand how you could be left on the shelf for so long?, you must be picky, are you? You must be too independent now and not know how to be in a relationship" and trust me, I have been interrogated and questioned like I had committed a crime But to the right person, they'll cut straight to the chase " are you ready for a relationship? what are you looking for in a guy? what's important to you? What makes you click? what are your hobbies? are you wanting a family? do you enjoy sports?" They're not going to care one iota of the length of singleness, they are probably looking for the right person, and the right person isn't made up of " relationship experience" but " are you going in the same direction as I am, are you wanting the same things as I am" The right person is just looking for the right partner. There are lots of things out there in the world that you read " 25 red flags to look out for while dating" something might be mentioned like " monkey bar from relationship to relationship or been single for long periods of time are red flags" I even read one recently, if a guy has been single for 3-4 years or longer that's a red flag because he'd be considered too independent to know how to be in a relationship? which is bollocks! partnering up with people is quite instinctual. My friends grandma was a widow for 20 years, and the last 15 years before she died she got married. I don't think her second husband at the time said " oh i might pass on you Miss Violet, you haven't had sex or been in a relationship for 20 years and you might have forgotten how to be with someone" Ridiculous. And plus nobody, checks the red flags in us, the things that might KEEP us from being in a relationship, the things that are dysfunctional and toxic like the negative thinking about your single status like... calling yourself a freak. I would go see a counselor but I would also think about yourself as a beautiful person. Just because lots of guys have passed on you and you have passed on others, doesn't mean they all do that. One day someone is going to cherish and respect you more than any other guy ever has. And it won't have anything to do with your single status " she's awesome, I have a chance, she's in my league because she hasn't been with many guys and she has been single for so long! whoo hoo" They're going to be thinking, this woman is amazing and if being single for a long time has added to her strength and character than, I praise the guy that gave her up a long time ago and set her free because he led her to me. :) Good luck 3
ASG Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I have been single for about 5 years now. I've dated, I've liked guys that didn't like me back and vice versa. Every once in a while I do think that maybe there IS something wrong with me... But I'm quite happy with my life. I want someone to add to it, not make me feel less than (which is what my ex did). So I wait for that right person. And I have stop gaps in between...
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I have been single for about 5 years now. I've dated, I've liked guys that didn't like me back and vice versa. Every once in a while I do think that maybe there IS something wrong with me... But I'm quite happy with my life. I want someone to add to it, not make me feel less than (which is what my ex did). So I wait for that right person. And I have stop gaps in between... Same. It's okay to fill up for petrol when you're running out of gas and you've been driving or a while. It's probably what's needed. But if you wan't quality, it's better to hold out. I use to date just quantity because I wanted all those gaps to feel less " real". 1
CarrieT Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I was divorced at 24 and didn't remarry until I was 49. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right person.... 3
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 I was divorced at 24 and didn't remarry until I was 49. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right person.... Right and I'm sure your husband now didn't say " Carrie you've been single for a long time! I'm not sure if I'm willing to go into this"... etc... You're right. Finding the right person is a bit like finding a needle in the haystack. You really appreciate it when it comes to you because rarity is precious when it's hard to find and takes a while to find it. Once you finally have that right person, you are all the more appreciative! I don't think many guys are thinking " aww man, I feel too appreciated and respected... I don't think I want to marry her." If being single for a long time has you appreciating your man a bit more when he comes, I think all men would appreciate your appreciation and single status that added to the appreciation. Recipe for success I'd imagine!
Author nancyha Posted May 28, 2016 Author Posted May 28, 2016 Thank you for your words. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. For the most time I'm ok with my single status and prositive and confident that someone who is worth it will come along eventually. Then there's times when there's a new love dissapointment or drought without meeting anyone and I start feeling a little down. I understand attitude and how one views oneself is very important and how people perceive you. And I mostly think I am a catch. But when no one seems to reciprocate it's hard to keep the good attitude. I've gotta be patient I know. I'm constantly trying to become the best version of me.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 Thank you for your words. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. For the most time I'm ok with my single status and prositive and confident that someone who is worth it will come along eventually. Then there's times when there's a new love dissapointment or drought without meeting anyone and I start feeling a little down. I understand attitude and how one views oneself is very important and how people perceive you. And I mostly think I am a catch. But when no one seems to reciprocate it's hard to keep the good attitude. I've gotta be patient I know. I'm constantly trying to become the best version of me. If you already think your'e great as you are now, the improvements will come as you grow as a human being. Don't think like that. You are great the way you are right now. I understand. But you won't be single forever. And what's weird, is when you are in a relationship, all these pesky ex flings, ex boyfriends or ex whatever suddenly make there appearances and flick you text and emails. That's when you hit the delete button! I have a feeling that you aren't okay looking, that you are actually quite beautiful. You just have to continue to let yourself shine
miafarrow Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 Next ime if you ever brake up... never be friends with your ex. Yes you can be fine, yes you can be over, but its never over. Unless you move on completely. I was 5 years stuck on someone. Same situation... I was single for 3 years. I regret the day I became friends with my ex. Love was gone. But sometimes people don't want to admit to themselves that they hope subconsciously. And you end up single not giving others the chances because you are stuck in circles. Its ok to be alone after breakup. But sometimes. You need to just text some guy that likes you and to on a date or have a rebound. To keep you available for that guy or somebody else. I had men too. But didn't have serious relationship since that one. Really serious. Why? Because I didn't know how I function. I close myself and dont let people in after "breakups". And Am alone and comfort myself that's its good this way. I rejected many good guys because of it. People should give others chances even if the guy is like not physically so hot to you or has nerdy behaviour..... or whatever. Being single is good, but eventually you need some men attention otherwise you will miss out something great. Even if this attention is from guys you are not so interested, but still they have a litleeeeeee bit of something. And yes its weird to be alone for 7 years. I was half way.. and nowadays when I am older and changed my perspectives I see people and myself different. I can also build better friendship or business relationships. Any attention is okay if you let them with boundaries. Nothing bad about it.
miafarrow Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 All I want to say to the author.. I dont know your reasons, but my reasons are these. My ex was tall, hot, athletic professional basketball player. Charismatic, caring. Loveable, nice.. Whatever. I pick men like him.... because he was my first The thing about men who are charismatic and all of I said above is that they are at least 70 percent of them a jerks! Who are selfaware that they can have and get a date when they want. With whom they want and are emotionally unavailable. So..... that's my problem. Picking the wrong men and I am attracted to these type of men who are always center of attention. Now I choose to be with quite ones. Not choosing guys who remind me of my ex Maybe you are not lucky in love or always meet jerks because you pick the wrong typee of men and are attracted to wrong type of their character and you can know a lot of who are they like by spending mjust 1h with a stranger
Poutrew Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 Sounds to me like you are a clock watcher. You are looking at the time you are single the same way a prisoner is looking at the time he is serving until he is free. Only thing is marriage is not the key to your freedom, not the nirvana answer you think it is, so don't be a clock watcher. It makes you come off as too needy which will repel a quality man, and tell a scumbag that all he has to do to get into your dress is to give you a little attention...
coolheadal Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 Even though it's been 5 years I've dated an etc. Like I say a lot of issues with prior men with the woman I've been with makes it tough to be around them too long. I try not to pick the same type of woman but it always seems to be them. They do a clever job covering up their secretive behavioral problems.
Author nancyha Posted May 28, 2016 Author Posted May 28, 2016 Well I think miafarrow may have misunderstood.. I have been out on dates, in the last years.. It's not like my last date was at 23. I've gone out with guys, even for a couple of months or so, I've had sex and yes, also one night stands. I have met people and have gone out. I just haven't found someone for a real relationship. And my ultimate goal is not to get married.. I would just like to have a partner to share with. I must be looking in the wrong places, liking the wrong guys, doing something to drive them away.. Who knows. It's frustrating
trippi1432 Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 I am 31 and have been single for 7 years now (and counting). I had a four year relationship which was pretty problematic, we have never stop talking, right now we are friends but for 2 years after we broke up it was just a bad idea because we just kept hurting each other. Right now I can honestly say we are friends, I've seen him with other girls, he tells me about them and the other way around and there is no jealousy or anything involved. So I would say that relationship is over. In the last years I've met quite a few guys, have gone out on dates, have had random hook-ups, and all that. I've had guys like me who I didn't like back and the other way around. I've had bad timings, I've met jerks.. I have been out there I would say. I consider myself to be ok looking, I am fit, I have a complete life (work, friends, hobbies, etc.). I can honestly say people who know me well and are around me appreciate me and think I am a loving, nice person. So I am quite disappointed and feel like a freak for being alone for so long. My single life is good, I'm not desperate to be in a relationship. Still it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I really don't know anyone else who has been single for this long and I don't think there is anything particularly unappealing about me. Sure, I've made mistakes with guys I've met and liked.. but haven't we all? I see all kinds of people around me who are in relationships that are in no way perfect so it's difficult to understand why I, with all my defaults and virtues, can't seem to find one. Perhaps MiaFarrow was not off by much. Some things do "stick around", feelings. They are moving on, and you just want to find someone to share a life with. I'm friends with an ex that I genuinely care about and I am happy for the life he has now. But to be friends with an ex, you really shouldn't be sharing your personal lives....there should be good boundaries. You aren't a freak for being alone for so long, but you may be holding on to previous baggage that is not helping you to move on. That happens; however, that is not meant to settle for less than you deserve. What do you perceive as being ideal for you?
Otter2569 Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 Even though it's been 5 years I've dated an etc. Like I say a lot of issues with prior men with the woman I've been with makes it tough to be around them too long. I try not to pick the same type of woman but it always seems to be them. They do a clever job covering up their secretive behavioral problems. I have been single for about 7 years and honestly I would not change a thing. I have had several relationships (a few over 18 months) but there is always something not quite right: they want to get married, family dynamics, they are crazy (jealous, controlling, mentally unstable). Having said that I have more fun than anyone I know. There is generally no problem getting dates. My married friends are generally miserable so seeing how rare a happy couple is only reinforces my good fortune of being single. I hope to meet the woman of my dreams these days but if not, thats ok too!
miafarrow Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) Yes I was off. Sorry! Didn't read the whole thing. I am hyper sometimes lol... Anyway, idk.... I read this thread and all I can say that I can relate. As I said and someone else. I think its not us... I think we date the same bunch of people. Looking back for last few years I am like wtf? I am either falling for men who live in another country which I meet travelling or whatever or I fall for emotionally challenged ones.... and its hard to move on when you invest months in something that is doomed to fail from the begging. And now I am seeing a guy who I know for 10 years and is weird.. and as much as I can see problems in this thing I still want to continue it. If I wasn't interested in him before why would I be now? Well because he became a challenge to me now probably because of the situation... I need to change something to be available for the aright person and just cut things at start, not like giving chances to wrong men when I know its not gonna work out. To me is like.. I know he is f...ed up but its like a challenge and I give them chances when... they are who they are... They are signs everywhere. People tend to ignore it.. All I want is a guy who fits me... not even kids or marriage... maybe one day... but with someone right. I don't get depressed mfor being single, but still it would be nice to like get along with someone and take things slow Edited May 29, 2016 by miafarrow
angel.eyes Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Lose the ex! I know you think you're just friends, and it's harmless, but I suspect that as long as he's in the picture, you won't be truly open to a relationship and sharing with a new guy. Also, life isn't a deadline. Sometimes you meet your partner immediately. Other times it takes years. Staying positive, being open, making a point of putting yourself where you're likely to meet potential partners, working at what you could offer a partner, and just blind luck, among other things, all impact how long it takes to find a partner. I wouldn't worry that you haven't had a long-term relationship in years. Just keep plugging away, dating, and remain optimistic that you'll find the right guy for you. You will!
joseb Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Yes I was off. Sorry! Didn't read the whole thing. I am hyper sometimes lol... Anyway, idk.... I read this thread and all I can say that I can relate. As I said and someone else. I think its not us... I think we date the same bunch of people. Looking back for last few years I am like wtf? I am either falling for men who live in another country which I meet travelling or whatever or I fall for emotionally challenged ones.... and its hard to move on when you invest months in something that is doomed to fail from the begging. And now I am seeing a guy who I know for 10 years and is weird.. and as much as I can see problems in this thing I still want to continue it. If I wasn't interested in him before why would I be now? Well because he became a challenge to me now probably because of the situation... I need to change something to be available for the aright person and just cut things at start, not like giving chances to wrong men when I know its not gonna work out. To me is like.. I know he is f...ed up but its like a challenge and I give them chances when... they are who they are... They are signs everywhere. People tend to ignore it.. All I want is a guy who fits me... not even kids or marriage... maybe one day... but with someone right. I don't get depressed mfor being single, but still it would be nice to like get along with someone and take things slow Sounds like you might be subconsciously selecting relationships that can never work, so that you don't get tied down?
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