Ex chasing me during No Contact

[Don Ho]

Condensed version: I'm 38. In August my GF of 7 years said she was unhappy and moving out. I said "fine, I can't make you happy so do what you want". Week later she says she made a mistake. Saw her for a month and then got the cold shoulder. It's been kinda back and forth like this for 8 months. Hot / cold on her part. Asked her Monday to go to dinner and she says maybe NEXT Mon or Tues. WTF? Games? Tired of it.

 

So Tuesday of this week I started NC. She's been texting and calling several times a day asking me to please call her. My plan is to do NC for 21 days. FYI, there was no cheating, no abuse, no substances, she just felt like I wasn't a listening, affectionate, good BF; like we were "room mates". (Kinda my fault). I can and I'm willing to grow and improve in those areas. So, continue to do NC? Then what? I'm thinking continue NC unless she shows up at my door begging to go rent a house together. Advice?

[MrMeh]

Why play more games? You know that you two can't consistently hold a stable relationship. Just continue NC, work on yourself, and then eventually find a partner to have a healthy relationship with.

[Satu]

You're not good for each other.

 

Try 21,000 days of NC.

 

 

Take care.

[Alamo657]

Condensed version: I'm 38. In August my GF of 7 years said she was unhappy and moving out. I said "fine, I can't make you happy so do what you want". Week later she says she made a mistake. Saw her for a month and then got the cold shoulder. It's been kinda back and forth like this for 8 months. Hot / cold on her part. Asked her Monday to go to dinner and she says maybe NEXT Mon or Tues. WTF? Games? Tired of it.

 

So Tuesday of this week I started NC. She's been texting and calling several times a day asking me to please call her. My plan is to do NC for 21 days. FYI, there was no cheating, no abuse, no substances, she just felt like I wasn't a listening, affectionate, good BF; like we were "room mates". (Kinda my fault). I can and I'm willing to grow and improve in those areas. So, continue to do NC? Then what? I'm thinking continue NC unless she shows up at my door begging to go rent a house together. Advice?

She is still attached to you and have a hard time to let you go.

 

But at the same time, she already had a relationship with you, she knows what it means, so she would like to experience new things.

 

In other words, she doesn't love you romantically anymore, she is just attached. You lost her. Even if you go back at her and promise her the world, she will always second guess the relationship and consciously or unconsciously look for your replacement.

 

So what you should do is call her, tell her you're looking for a consistent relationship and not a hot and cold one, then wish her the best and move on.

[Don Ho]

Thanks everyone!

 

It was actually very good for 7 years. No on/off. No hot/cold. I was not raised in a very affectionate, communicative family. I understand that now and I can be different. She also wondered why I didn't ask her to marry after 7 years. Lots of financial and other reasons, but at the end of the day I was a (dumb) guy and figured she wouldn't leave. I take responsibility for that one too.

 

@Alamo. I agree she is still attached. And confused. When she's emotional it's dates, calls etc. When she "thinks" about it she probably imagines I'm not the best marriage material because of how I acted with her previously. Hence the hot/cold on her part or she "loves" me but is no longer "in love" with me. Can't No Contact re-ignite that romantic spark?

 

I know most of you don't agree, but at this point I would like to continue NC for a few weeks and see if we can get back together when I contact her. Any advice on how to handle re-contact?

[privategal]

Wait a strict 60 days minimum.

Just go radio silent everywhere. Do not be on fb or see her or communicate through mutual friends and family.

Give this space.

She isnt your whole world...she is a girl.

You need to just focus on you right now.

[d0nnivain]

Can't No Contact re-ignite that romantic spark?

 

I know most of you don't agree, but at this point I would like to continue NC for a few weeks and see if we can get back together when I contact her. Any advice on how to handle re-contact?

 

 

NC does not reignite the romantic spark. You are thinking of absence makes the heart grow fonder. It doesn't. The lack of contact leads to coldness & resentment.

 

 

If you want to fix what's wrong you have work together You have to communicate. At this point because you have been on this on again off again merry-go-round for so long you could probably benefit from some professional intervention.

 

 

Your 21 day NC plan smacks of punishment & manipulation, both of which erode the foundations of a good relationship If you intend to fix this, talk to her. If you never want to see her again, keep playing games.

[Alamo657]

NC does not reignite the romantic spark. You are thinking of absence makes the heart grow fonder. It doesn't. The lack of contact leads to coldness & resentment.

 

Quite right.

 

As i said, you lost her, it's over, whatever you do the best you'll get is some sex and on/off affection until she meets a real new person.

 

If you go NC she will move on; if you stick around, she will pull away from you because she lost trust in your relationship. Either way she'll resent you for wasting your relationship.

[BC1980]

My advice is to leave this relationship and go NC for good. You have been back and forth for 8 months post-breakup. Ironically, that is exactly the same amount of time I was back and forth with my ex. Your story sounds similar to mine. When someone says they are "confused," that is code for: I am certain, but I want to keep you for a backup option, companionship, sex, ego stroke, wean myself off of you while I find something better. Pick any of those choices or a combination of them. No one is so emotionally unevolved that they can't figure out if they want to be with you after 7 years. In her heart, the answer is no, but she can't make that final cut and leave you for good.

 

Look, I know you want to think differently, but this relationship is not going to happen. I understand what you are feeling and where you are coming from. I was in the exact same place as you once upon a time. It's really hard to let go of someone who dumped you when they keep on feeding you breadcrumbs. But you have to do it.

[kidm]

Toxic. This is going nowhere fast.

 

btw how did you go from 45 in 2010 to 38 in 2016?

Edited May 29, 2016 by kidm
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