YellowPetal Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I feel so hopeless and heartbroken. I am 31 years old, and I was in 3 relationships. The first one lasted eight years. Now, after 3 years, we are becoming friends again. He even admitted he never put me first, and that he feels regretful and wants me back. I feel like it’s too late now, and that I deserve better than someone who needs 3 years to understand my value. My second relationship was a disaster. He cheated on me, used me and abused me emotionally. I felt completely broken after that. I had a nervous break down and I still feel ashamed for letting someone like that into my life. The last one was also painful. He had to leave the country, and decided he didn’t want to have a long distance relationship after only 5 months together. I told him we should try, but he said that breaking up was the best thing for him. I was healing nicely, but then I saw him again, and now I feel even worse, like he broke my heart again. I decided to never see him again, but we are on "friendly" terms. So, I decided to take a break from dating and relationships. I feel like men only bring pain and confusion into my life. I am trying to understand why I always choose the men who never fully commit to me. I am very serious about my relationships, and always give 100%. Now I feel so devastated because I’m not sure I’ll ever meet the right person. No, I’m not one of those people who need a relationship to validate their entire existence. I am finishing my PhD, have a good income, have great family and friends. I read and travel a lot. I even travelled on my own this spring in order to gain more understanding about my life. I realized I always rush into relationships before getting to know the guy, and I always put them first. I would really love to have a family of my own and build a beautiful life with someone. Maybe it’s silly, but to me it’s important to have a life partner who will add quality to my life. I don’t see relationships through rose coloured glasses. I know they require a lot of hard work, patience and love. I always gave so much of myself, and I really don't think that anyone ever valued me enough. I just need some advice on how to heal from all the pain I’m feeling right now… I want to feel hopeful again, but I feel so lost. I usually distract myself in order to forget how bad I feel, but right now I am just sitting with my feelings and letting them take over. I hope I can heal this way. Right now, I just can’t stop crying. I feel like my heart has been broken into a million little pieces and I don’t know how to glue them back together again. Thank you in advance for reading my letter. Please don’t judge me. I just need a friend. -D 3
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 {hugs} Stop looking backwards. There is no reason to be friends with the EX. I'm not saying be mean to him but don't contact him. You got some vindication when he told you it was his fault. Be grateful for that small comfort. As for the other two.. . .you are not the 1st person to be cheated on. Sadly you won't be the last but you were strong enough to get rid of him. His bad choices aren't your fault. This last one, you can't force somebody into an LDR & they aren't all that great anyway. I'd rather have an SO I can see & cuddle etc. Although he's a good guy & in a society that feels like Noah's Ark, it's hard not to have a BF, your relationship status does not define who you are. You have accomplishment like your PhD. Celebrate yourself. When you have had a good cry, cause tears are cleansing, make a plan. Think about the kind of person you want as a life partner. Think about where you might meet such a person & set out to find him. Good luck! 1
sooshi Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 *hugs* Aww, YellowPetal. I feel for you. We're the same age, and you seem like such a wonderful girl! You have been through so much. You've given so much. Continue to focus on the life you're living--school, work, spending time with friends and family. Start a gratitude journal. Spend time in the sun. Watch something funny, do a little dance. Cry as much as you need to. It's okay to cry. I can't wait for you to be with someone who truly values you and commits to you. You are so worthy! 1
juniorrocha Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 I can understand how you're feeling. I'll share this story of my best friend, maybe it will help you somehow. I have a female friend that is the same age as you. Her first relationship was terrible, she was married to a guy that use to cheat on her and lie to her all the time, but she didn't have the courage to leave. Sometimes he would go out on a Friday night and only return home in the Monday's morning. Needless to say, she always felt miserable. Actually, he was the one that dumped her; according to her, he said "look, I can't commit to you anymore and we should break up, because I can't continue to hurt you". She went through a real dark time in her life, but eventually she got completely over by working on herself. Turns out, after a few years, he was still around seeing if she'd take him back, which she never did. Her second relationship lasted 6 months. She found out the man is gay. And since then she's been single, she's been out in numerous dates (like, countless! Every week I hear from her with a different guy) and everytime she speaks about it like they're the one. She's trying so hard to get into a relationship, that even though she's also concluding PHD, has a nice job, is independent, desired by men, and etc, she can't get to make it work. What would I say about it? Even with all the qualities she has, she's still NOT happy with herself. She's dying to have a man like a life without a relationship is meaningless. So she keeps jumping from one wrong to another because she hasn't had the time to accept herself first. Not saying it's your case, but have you tried to think if you're fully happy with yourself? The key may be there. Perhaps would be a good idea to start therapy. Hope you get well, I'm sure you're an amazing woman and you deserve to be loved. 1
SammySammy Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 "Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." - C. S. Lewis Life is not meant to be smooth sailing. Sometimes the pain and lessons of losing love put us in a place to give and receive lasting love. 2
eternalspotless Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 Hi, I am 32 and I must say that you are not alone in having many failed relationships lead to pain. I can't really offer any advice, as I am about to take a break myself from dating and relationships as they do not work out for me, either. It is very painful to suffer constant rejections. It is very damaging and leaves a scar. No matter whether I date or enter a LTR, it ends up with me getting hurt. I am starting to wonder if certain people are just not meant to be in relationships. Anyway, my point was just to let you know that if you need someone to talk to or whatever, I'm here. 1
Satu Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Take a break if you need one, but don't give up. You should carry on wanting what you want. Here's an example of the value of persistence: Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell "The manuscript for what would become a Pulitzer Prize winning novel was rejected by almost 40 publishers before it finally hit the shelves. Besides enjoying instant (and wild) success, Gone with the Wind has maintained a legacy of popularity. In fact, according to a recent Harris poll, the novel is the second most popular book in America, after The Bible." Take care.
juniorrocha Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Here's an example of the value of persistence: Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell "The manuscript for what would become a Pulitzer Prize winning novel was rejected by almost 40 publishers before it finally hit the shelves. Besides enjoying instant (and wild) success, Gone with the Wind has maintained a legacy of popularity. In fact, according to a recent Harris poll, the novel is the second most popular book in America, after The Bible." I read the other day that Gisele Bundchen was rejected 41 times on model castings before finally getting a chance. Now she's the best paid and most successful model in the whole world.
Author YellowPetal Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 Hi, I am 32 and I must say that you are not alone in having many failed relationships lead to pain. I can't really offer any advice, as I am about to take a break myself from dating and relationships as they do not work out for me, either. It is very painful to suffer constant rejections. It is very damaging and leaves a scar. No matter whether I date or enter a LTR, it ends up with me getting hurt. I am starting to wonder if certain people are just not meant to be in relationships. Anyway, my point was just to let you know that if you need someone to talk to or whatever, I'm here. Thank you so much. That's exactly how I feel right now. I really don't want to give up, but just dating is so hard. I feel, while I try to be honest, everyone is playing games I don't understand. Last year, my ex left me in a really bad shape after I found out he was cheating on me, and then I waited 6 months. When I started to relax and stopped worrying something might go wrong, he had to leave the country. Even when nothing is going wrong, it just ends in a very painful way for me. Right now, I'm just concentrating on other positive things going on in my life. I feel like I need time to heal, and being single is really making me understand what I want from relationships, and life in general.
Zapbasket Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Oh, honey, I could have written your post word for word. I feel, across all three of my serious love relationships that together spanned 11 years, with one year and then seven months single between relationships, that I was left so, so empty-handed. Looking back I don't even feel that any one of those relationships truly added to my life, only took from it, and it's so hard to emotionally understand how that could be so since in each relationship, I loved openly, sincerely, and with self-awareness. I gave so much, shouldered most of the burden of carrying the relationships forward. Sure, I was imperfect, but I was loyal and true and love-seeking--whereas I feel all my exes were only power-seeking and love-avoidant and too un-self-aware to recognize that that was their true motivation. So, I really relate, as do many of us on this site. Not sure how to advise you on how to cope with these feelings except to encourage you to refuse to let this sadness scare you from the hope of a healthy, long-term, loving relationship in the future. Vow not to loosen your standards for anyone, no matter how much they pull your heartstrings. You don't exist to be anyone's fixer; that's their job, just as it's your job to "fix" yourself in the way(s) your heart and life tell you you need fixing. You deserve someone who ticks ALL your boxes--we all deserve that. Embrace your single time as an opportunity to heal and grow, and promise yourself that you will be your greatest advocate, and put YOU first. It's so easy to associate love with selflessness. But love only ever works when you are true to YOU first and foremost. Sorry you are hurting. You will find lots of friends here in your grief.
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