Dork Vader Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Okay, I really only want to hear from people who have directly dated someone that was diagnosed bipolar. A person that was truly bipolar, was in treatment and took medications for it. Some of the questions I have.. Would you go through stretches in which the relationship felt like it was all about them? Sticking to their rigid routine, spending the right amount of time with them, sex being about them and so on? I'm kind of curious how you would deal with these periods. I've read quite a bit and the majority of it says dating someone who is Bipolar is a roller coaster. Is that roller coaster going to be one minute they can't get enough of me the next it's overwhelming them? It's something I can easily handle, but it's starting to leave me slightly confused.
Dis Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Okay, I really only want to hear from people who have directly dated someone that was diagnosed bipolar. A person that was truly bipolar, was in treatment and took medications for it. Some of the questions I have.. Would you go through stretches in which the relationship felt like it was all about them? Sticking to their rigid routine, spending the right amount of time with them, sex being about them and so on? I'm kind of curious how you would deal with these periods. I've read quite a bit and the majority of it says dating someone who is Bipolar is a roller coaster. Is that roller coaster going to be one minute they can't get enough of me the next it's overwhelming them? It's something I can easily handle, but it's starting to leave me slightly confused. There is a huge misconception that those living with a bipolar diagnosis are usually unstable.... I have bipolar and have been symptom free for 7 years thanks to a great treatment plan...it is possible to recover and function normally. If a person with bipolar is still experiencing mood swings that are negatively impacting their lives or relationships they need to get a medication adjustment/therapy/or make healthier lifestyle choices. Dont assume that just because someone has bipolar a relationship with them will be comparable to a rollercoaster...thats both naive and ignorant 2
BrainMangler Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 YES, run away as fast as you can. Dated a bi polar girl when I was younger and it wasn't nothing but drama. 4
mortensorchid Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I dated someone who was, I believe, bipolar. It was all about him and he was demanding and turned from one to another mood like a tropical storm. Fortunately for me he was a wimp at heart and did ridiculous things like unfriend me from MySpace (in the MySpace days) then resend a friend request when he realized he'd made a mistake. But I didn't take him back. Life is too short to waste on people who treat you bad, be they bipolar or not. You can only hope the person gets help. 2
Emilia Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 It's something I can easily handle, but it's starting to leave me slightly confused. The question you want to ask yourself is, in fact, why is it that you want to date someone with a mental illness? Why are you looking to get tangled in a codependent relationship? 1
Taramere Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) Okay, I really only want to hear from people who have directly dated someone that was diagnosed bipolar. A person that was truly bipolar, was in treatment and took medications for it. I don't know, honestly, because years ago I dated a guy who engaged in some very strange behaviours - and I know that he was on anti-depressants. Which a lot of people do spend a period of time on, but there was always a strong sense of it being a bit more than straightforward depression in his case. However, although he'd skirt around the issue, he was quite mysterious about it. He did have an extremely hyper personality, and in his teenage years had been hospitalised for a suicide attempt. I've always tended to think of him as having been a very narcissistic individual, but I think that probably a lot of poorly managed mental health conditions can be associated with narcissistic behaviour at times. Knowing what I now know about bi-polar disorder, I think it's a very distinct possibility that that was the mysterious "thing" he had. But I have to acknowledge (with reference to your request that only people who have had relationships with individuals who they know were diagnosed with bi-polar disorder reply) that I don't know for sure. Professionally I've dealt with quite a few people who are sufferers - ie clients of mine. Some great people, and they're the reason I don't want to participate in stigmatising these conditions though, because the bottom line is that there are a lot of people out there who are diagnosed with them, who co-operate with treatment and who become stabilised, productive members of society capable of being very good partners to the right person. Mental health problems will always present challenges, but if I think somebody is an awesome person then I'm not going to eliminate them from my life because they have a mental health condition. The key is really how they perceive and handle their condition. That ex of mine was sufficiently "out there" that people generally picked up on something being out of kilter. I think he had mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, probably feeling all the bad stuff like hurt, rejected, not fitting in etc. People sometimes handle those feelings by developing fairly grandiose views. "I'm more special, interesting, original...not part of the common herd." There was a lot of that about his personality. That was how I saw it back then, before I read all about narcissism and chose to view him as "a subject with narcissistic disorder". From an unlearned, uninformed perspective, he just seemed to me to be a highly insecure guy with a mysterious problem that he didn't really understand (and didn't expect anybody else to understand) who dealt with it poorly at times. I thought that in a stable relationship with somebody who loved him, eventually he would "stabilise" himself. Feel genuinely better about himself and lose the need to parade around in this silly, embarrassing and grandiose way. And sometimes it seemed that way. However, when we reached a crossroads in our relationship (ie that point where you're either going to make a life together in the long term, or split up) it turned into an absolutely awful situation. Influenced, in no small part, to the extent to which the relationship had pulled out my own rescuer/co-dependent tendencies. He got cold feet, he dealt with it by cheating then treating me in a cold and emotionally abusive way. In a very short space of time it went something like this. Him: Cold and emotionally abusive by telling me he'd cheated and then letting me know what he viewed as my shortcomings. Me: devastated. Him: Expressing guilt and an inability to handle my distress. Me: Pulling myself together and becoming angry. Letting him know I thought he was handling an already bad situation childishly, incompetently and maliciously. I also (and I'm not proud of this) threatened to slap him if he didn't stop waxing lyrical about the woman he'd cheated on me with. Him: Shrinking away. Looking like a scared, lost soul. Telling me he loved me as much as he was capable of loving anybody (which didn't appear to be anything to crack the champagne open about). Me: Softening. Feeling sadness for him. Becoming vulnerable again. Telling him that despite everything I wanted to try to make things work. Him: Switching back to being callous. By which point I made arrangements to move out and into a hotel. I had my own little meltdown over the next few days, and he seemed to draw a sense of superiority from this. I'd guess that his secret shame about his long term emotional and psychological instability was temporarily eased by seeing the girlfriend he'd always regarded as very stable and well balanced going into meltdown. We met up briefly before I caught a flight home. I'd cried myself into a state of numbness, and he kept complimenting me on how well I was handling myself (eg chilled out, not angry, matter of fact, unemotional). He started saying he didn't know what he wanted. That all his male friends thought he was making a huge mistake by ending the relationship (the female ones presumably either siding with the girl he'd cheated on me with or sympathising with me and thinking I'd be better off out of it). I let him know that by that point the choice was out of his hands. That he might not know what he wanted, but I had learned a hard lesson about what I didn't want. He nodded sagely, but I don't think he believed it...and at that point, he'd maybe have been right. You can't just switch feelings off for a person. Anyway, that was it. We never saw eachother again. He did contact me when I returned home, and we exchanged a few emails... but you can't really continue any sort of friendship with somebody like that and I felt a bit phony and embarrassed for having tried to "stay friends". I can forgive a lot, but I can't forgive somebody who shows a complete disregard for my welfare as he had, when I was feeling at my most vulnerable in a foreign country. That, to me, was the "crazy" aspect of mental illness. The irresponsibility. Somebody who had never learned to manage his own crap other than to shovel it onto other people and then tell them "I can't deal with your crap." I don't think that's necessarily characteristic of mental health problems though. I think it's what you might see from somebody who has a mental health issue and who deals with it in an adolescent "vying between self loathing and celebrating themselves as a special flower for having this condition" manner. Maybe he grew out of that. I don't know, but since that time I've certainly encountered people who were diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and who have proved themselves capable of coping with some very emotionally taxing situations provided they get the right support from the proper services. I have a few clients like that (I'm not in health care, but some of my clients do have contact with the psychiatric services and I have good enough links with those services to know a bit about the kinds of support and treatment they offer). So degree of insight, mature acceptance that they have this condition - and a responsible approach to managing it - are key, I think. I don't believe a bi-polar condition in itself is a reason to write another person off as a partner. The crux for me would be how they manage it, and whether they appreciate the support and love on offer to them and make an effort to demonstrate that appreciation in very genuine, mature adult ways...or whether they perceive that support and love in a very narcissistic way ("I get this because I'm charming, manipulative, know how to get what I want out of other people" etc). That's a long rambling post which is all about me, and doesn't really address your question I'm afraid. I think that what you're demonstrating concern about is that if you try to maintain a relationship with somebody who has this disorder, your own needs are going to constantly be put on the backburner as you work to accommodate the other person's "special needs". And I do think that's a very valid concern. I think that if you determine that you're going to do your best to be a loving and supporting partner to somebody whose condition requires an unusual degree of effort and tolerance from those close to them, you need to know "what am I going to get in return for the effort I need to put in here to make the relationship workable? To what extent will you be able to accommodate my needs? Can I even explore that without you lashing out defensively?" And if you can't explore these things without them lashing out defensively, it may well be that they need extra time being treated and supported by professionals before they're ready to handle a relationship. Edited May 27, 2016 by Taramere 1
Lois_Griffin Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't have experience dating someone with bipolar because I actively CHOSE not to, not because it just never happened by circumstance. I've known two men who dated bipolar women. BOTH dealt with the bouts of violence and craziness brought on when they would stop taking their medication because they thought they didn't need it anymore. The one guy had a plastic chair thrown at him from up on the 3rd floor of a hotel and then he was subsequently violently pushed into the hotel pool after she came flying down the stairs in anger when the chair didn't hit him. There were many other stories of violence about this couple but that was the one episode I actually got to witness. The other guy, a very close friend, wasn't told she had bipolar when they met. She tricked him for so long that they eventually moved in together. You can imagine his surprise when she suddenly went off her meds and became a monster and he had NO idea what was even wrong because he had no clue she was bipolar. She became so bad that he had to call her family - and they informed him she does this every year or so and has to be committed in the hospital until she's put back on her meds and stabilized. He was shocked that she'd deceived him like that. So that's what he did - had her hospitalized. Except he was now STUCK with her as her family wanted nothing to do with taking her in (they'd all dealt with it numerous times in the past). His guilt wouldn't allow him to just toss her out since no one in her family stepped up to take her in, so he was stuck with her for another year or so, occasionally the victim of her angry outbursts with knocking down locked doors, violently throwing things and dragging him across the carpet by his HAIR. Yup. By his HAIR. I'm not saying every bipolar person is like this. But these 2 stories have ALWAYS been enough to convince ME it ain't worth it. Nope. Nope. And nope. 1
Otter2569 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 ...neither relationship was a walk in the park. Both girls were extremely fun when they were in their "manic phase" but absolutely wretched human beings when in their depressed stage. My advice? Plenty of well adjusted women out there. Date one of them. She will ruin your life. You can bet on that. I was in love with such a woman. I thought I could handle it. She was aware of her problems and was taking all kinds of self help to keep things in check. It began as the most fun, exciting, uninhibited relationship I ever had...exactly the kind of things you see in a romance novel. In the end she was an emotional train wreck on the verge of suicide and I was in therapy learning about abusive relationships. We all think we can handle it in the beginning. Don't do it!
Otter2569 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Think of her like heroin. You know its bad for you before you even try it. Its all fun and games in the beginning but it will ruin your life. Nothing good will come of it long term. Just say NO! 1
carhill Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 OP, which version, one or two? Also, any comorbid BPD? IME, type two, medically managed, can be healthy, especially if you're not sensitive to minor behavioral fluctuations, which with type two tend to flow more than jump. As mentioned, a person committed to their treatment plan and emotional health can not only control their disease process effectively but also be a healthier partner because they are constantly aware of issues the rest of us may dismiss as being 'in a bad mood' in ourselves. I've seen both sides of the spectrum in the dating scene, as well as did caregiving for someone who developed psychosis for a number of years so could compare stuff. TBH, at this point, I'd likely not take it on again, meaning the chance of things going sideways emotionally with a person with dx'd spectrum disorders. Personal choice. 1
Author Dork Vader Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I won't stop dating her because she is Bipolar. I myself am OCD and am in treatment for it. I don't view it as a negative. She is extremely committed to her treatment. My question was more so directed at this.. Last friday she was distant, Saturday she was being weird as well. Sunday she felt was being selfish and wanted to make it all about me, later that night we were back to it being about her. On top of that my dog died Friday and Friday night it became all about her. That lead to me needing space. We hang out and talk she seemed to agree that I have needs as well. Last night we were talking and it was stated that she felt overwhelmed. It's been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least. I am flexible and own a business so I can work when ever I want. I have been using that flexibility to try and keep her in a healthy routine. I have been feeling like my needs in this relationship are on the back burner. It would be fine if it were just a few things.. But I'm unsatisified sexually and this last week has left me feeling some what unsatisfied emotionally as well.
Larryville Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't have experience dating someone with bipolar because I actively CHOSE not to, not because it just never happened by circumstance. I won't stop dating her because she is Bipolar. I have been feeling like my needs in this relationship are on the back burner. It would be fine if it were just a few things.. But I'm unsatisified sexually and this last week has left me feeling some what unsatisfied emotionally as well. What did LG say again… I don't have experience dating someone with bipolar because I actively CHOSE not to, not because it just never happened by circumstance. People that are bipolar are unpredictable… oh never mind.... Some people are addicted to drama and craziness… I won't stop dating her because she is Bipolar… Then why start this thread? I don’t get this stuff….
Jabron1 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I get confused by all of these different terms. If you mean "a BPD girl with daddy issues", then yeah. I fell for a girl like that once. I can tell you absolutely anything you need to know. Cluster B girls are absolutely crazy and will rip the average guy to shreds, especially if she's exceptionally sexy 2
aliveagain Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 They are the greatest people on the planet as long as their on their med's and their med's are being updated. They are a whole other story if they use a lot of alcohol or go off their med's for the extra high they get when they are manic. No one ever told me that infidelity was a symptom. Yeh I was with someone for 4 years, the last two of those years she was banging someone behind my back. She even invited him to our home as the pretend boyfriend of her best girlfriend, she made out with him while I made them dinner, her friend acted as a look out. I got to experience the birth of a son with her, named him after my deceased dad, turns out he wasn't mine but other man's. I got to raise him for the first year of his life. Yeh, I was with someone who was bipolar, I am still unlisted to this day because of that. 2
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I get confused by all of these different terms. If you mean "a BPD girl with daddy issues", then yeah. I fell for a girl like that once. I can tell you absolutely anything you need to know. Cluster B girls are absolutely crazy and will rip the average guy to shreds, especially if she's exceptionally sexy Cluster B and BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) are personality disorders. Bipolar disorder was formerly known as manic depression. Bipolar Disorder vs Borderline Personality Disorder - What's the difference? 2
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) I won't stop dating her because she is Bipolar. I myself am OCD and am in treatment for it. I don't view it as a negative. She is extremely committed to her treatment. My question was more so directed at this.. Last friday she was distant, Saturday she was being weird as well. Sunday she felt was being selfish and wanted to make it all about me, later that night we were back to it being about her. On top of that my dog died Friday and Friday night it became all about her. That lead to me needing space. We hang out and talk she seemed to agree that I have needs as well. Last night we were talking and it was stated that she felt overwhelmed. It's been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least. I am flexible and own a business so I can work when ever I want. I have been using that flexibility to try and keep her in a healthy routine. I have been feeling like my needs in this relationship are on the back burner. It would be fine if it were just a few things.. But I'm unsatisified sexually and this last week has left me feeling some what unsatisfied emotionally as well. Just thought I would chime in to say her behavior has little, if anything, to do with Bipolar, especially if she is on the proper meds and being treated for it. It might be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the differences of which were linked in another post. But definitely NOT Bipolar. I am Bipolar (Bipolar II) and never behaved that way in my RLs. I have had three long term RLs... that were successful while they lasted... which was YEARS. We broke up for reasons that had NOTHING to do with my Bipolar. I have been on meds and am currently managing symptoms via other methods, including therapy which are working beautifully. The symptoms of Bipolar (without proper treatment) are manic highs (not sleeping for DAYS, super high energy, talking without making sense, and other MANIC behavior etc).... and then debilitating lows (severe depression causing weeks long bouts in bed). Among other things. Not what you described above. Edited May 27, 2016 by katiegrl 4
Timshel Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I won't stop dating her because she is Bipolar. I myself am OCD and am in treatment for it. I don't view it as a negative. She is extremely committed to her treatment. My question was more so directed at this.. Last friday she was distant, Saturday she was being weird as well. Sunday she felt was being selfish and wanted to make it all about me, later that night we were back to it being about her. On top of that my dog died Friday and Friday night it became all about her. That lead to me needing space. We hang out and talk she seemed to agree that I have needs as well. Last night we were talking and it was stated that she felt overwhelmed. It's been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least. I am flexible and own a business so I can work when ever I want. I have been using that flexibility to try and keep her in a healthy routine. I have been feeling like my needs in this relationship are on the back burner. It would be fine if it were just a few things.. But I'm unsatisified sexually and this last week has left me feeling some what unsatisfied emotionally as well. This paragraph alone is enough to call it..... Not every love relationship continues to marriage or lifelong partnership. Learning is a good thing, not a dam thing wrong with it. Learning to let go is harder but of great value. Take care of yourself, remain compassionate and do not try to fit a square into a circle...
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Cluster B and BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) are personality disorders. Bipolar disorder was formerly known as manic depression. Bipolar Disorder vs Borderline Personality Disorder - What's the difference? I just read the info contained in the link, and as someone who has suffered from Biploar 2 for years, and seen by several doctors and been on mediation, this below quote (bolded) from the article is backwards. Sufferers from Bipolar I have manic episodes, NOT Bipolar II. Bipolar II is less severe than Bipolar I with sufferers experiencing episodes of hypomania NOT manic episodes. Just wanted to clarify that for anyone interested. >>"There are two subcategories of bipolar disorder, bipolar I and bipolar II, distinguished based on severity. Sufferers of bipolar I have not had full manic episodes and only a few hypomanic episodes. Sufferers of bipolar II, however, have had more severe manic episodes and more severe depressive episodes. Source: http://theydiffer.com/difference-between-bipolar-disorder-and-borderline-personality-disorder/"<< 1
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) By the way I read the info contained in the link posted re differences between Bipolar and Borderline, and wanted to say how they explained the difference between Bipolar I and II is backwards. Sufferers from Bipolar I have manic episodes, not Bipolar II. Sufferers from Bipolar II (which is what I have been diagnosed with) have episodes of hypomania NOT mania like those with Bipolar I. Bipolar II is much less severe than Bipolar I and more easily managed. Just thought I would clarify in case anyone was interested or confused by that. Below are comparisons between Bipolar I (mania) and Bipolar II (hypomania): >>"Hank, when he has hypomanic episodes, is exceptionally cheerful, needs only three hours sleep instead of his usual seven, spends more money than he safely should and speaks far more rapidly than usual, along with other symptoms of hypomania. This behavior is noticeably different from his own stable mood, yet there are cheerful people who need little sleep, spend a lot and talk fast who don't have bipolar disorder, so while it's abnormal for him, it's not outside the range of possible behavior in general.<<" >>"On the other hand, Hank's friend Robert, who has manic episodes, is out-of-control happy, even during serious events (he burst out laughing disruptively during a funeral). He ran around outside at midnight shouting how much he loved all his neighbors (along with other symptoms of mania). This is abnormal behavior for anyone."<< Note: Someone with bipolar I disorder may also have hypomanic episodes, but someone with bipolar II cannot ever have had a manic episode. If a manic episode occurs in someone with bipolar II, the diagnosis will be changed. Edited May 27, 2016 by katiegrl 2
alphamale Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Is that roller coaster going to be one minute they can't get enough of me the next it's overwhelming them? I'm bipolar and I've dated women with the disorder. As long as they were on the proper meds and seeing a shrink they were just like any other girl. Generally it was me who caused the problems in the relationship(s). PM me if you have any questions. 2
BlueIris Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I dated someone who was later diagnosed with bipolar I with psychotic elements- meaning that periodically he didn’t perceive reality correctly- AND who did not take his meds, or rather, he’d quit them at the 4-6 week mark every time he’d start again. THAT’s a rollercoaster. But a person who has bipolar II and follows a treatment plan is very different from that! So bipolar is not a flat catch-all thing. Also, a few years back, bipolar was the diagnosis-du-jour like BPD and NPD are these days. So I’m very skeptical of assessing people by their diagnosis rather than by their actions. Decide if she’s a good match for you by how she acts, by how you act, and by how your relationship evolves.
alphamale Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Bipolar II is much less severe than Bipolar I and more easily managed. where did you get that bull****? both Bipolar I and II are equally serious and just as hard to treat and maintain. The main difference is that Bipolar I is found equally among males and females whereas Bipolar II manifests itself in more women than men.
alphamale Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Also, a few years back, bipolar was the diagnosis-du-jour ... that's funny
preraph Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I didn't date this person, but she was my roommate and I've known her for 30 years. She is diagnosed both bipolar and narcissistic. With mental illnesses, there often is comorbidity or more than one disorder co-curring and one disorder often feeds the other. About 5 percent of bipolars also are narcissistic and this keeps the disorder in play more frequently. I would not jump to the conclusion that that is what's going on here unless she is also diagnosed narcissistic. To be blunt, there are many, many people who have no disorder for whom sex is a one-way event, and speaking personally, I would put about 80 percent of the guys I've dated in that category. So not like it's uncommon. Bipolar alone would typically be more apt to make someone, at times, have more sex drive, but that doesn't mean it will make them a better or worse lover. If she is very structured, that would be the opposite of my bipolar friend, who is impulsive in the extreme and has a very short attention span.
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 My sister and her son are both diagnosed bipolar and both on meds for it. Both have been promiscuous to the extreme while married and while unmarried. Her son doesn't stay on his meds, is absolutely brilliant and a fabulous writer, and has two illegitimate children that he knows of. Has a low level job as he doesn't get along with others. Is an extremely talented and accomplished musician. Has alienated most of his family. Unlike many bipolar people he isn't charming and is a little socially awkward. His mom only began taking meds in later life. Her behavior has been a train wreck all of her life with shoplifting, promiscuity, chaos wherever she goes. She's one of the most witty and charming persons I've ever met and also one of the most manipulative, deceitful and narcissistic people I've ever known. Her offspring who are young adults, though intelligent and having every advantage in life, have accomplished nothing and most likely never will as they grew up in chaos and are having a difficult time adjusting to life. At the age of fifty she began adopting foreign children and now has a houseful of them which she home schools out in the country away from everyone else. I won't be surprised to learn "Mommy Dearest" books are written one day by these children. And it wouldn't surprise me to hear she's just up and left the whole bunch of them one day. There is someone else whom I believe to be bipolar who is close to a family member, though this person to my knowledge is not diagnosed as such. This person has similar problems as my sister but is more well controlled. This person cycles in and out of being fabulous to being very difficult for any one to be around on a 24 hour basis. This person is able to perform (hide the problem) as a normal person for others who aren't close to him/her. Once he/she becomes close to a person the pattern emerges. This person steals items from his/her own family members. I have told the person who is close to this person I believe him/her to be bipolar and know they are getting treatment with a therapist, but not sure if the therapist has evaluated the person for bipolar at this point. It's my belief that if you can be assured the bipolar person will stay on her meds a normal relationship with her may be possible, but I don't know. Personally, I don't believe I'm up to the task of dating or marrying someone who is bipolar.
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