Shining One Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 There's nothing wrong with a strong, confident alpha male who knows what he wants and can be a leader when he has to be in the very specific instances the woman wants him to be. Fixed that for you. One woman's "perfect alpha" is another woman's "bossy jerk".
Author seekingluck Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I'm quite a 'get sh|t' done kinda person, I'm very driven and organised, I plan, I tend to achieve most of the goals I set myself and am frequently the one to organise plans with friends, round up deposits, book tickets, so I too really enjoy dating a guy like the one you describe. I think one of the reasons I can be so submissive in the bedroom is down to my strong character, it's nice to let someone else take the reins sometimes. Problem is I rarely seem to attract those kinds of guys! Sometimes I have to make a real conscious effort to take a step back and leave a vacuum so the guy has an opportunity to make the plans and take me out as my default is to do that kinda stuff myself. Maybe if I was with someone like me all the time we'd drive each other mad butting heads, I doubt it's a coincidence that my boyfriend is extremely laid back and easygoing. We complement one another. One thing I look for is someone who is an individual and knows who they are, I can't stand it when a guy doesn't have any passions, doesn't believe in any causes, doesn't have a favourite musician, or book, or movie, even sports team... If someone is really neutral and bland about everything it turns me off so fast. I have dated a few guys who've been like that and kinda tried to latch onto what I'm into, maybe to appeal to me or maybe to seem like they've got their own interests and passions too, but it's usually pretty obvious. I don't care if we're into totally opposite things, I just need to feel some passion and commitment to something. Easiest way to end a date for me is the guy saying 'music? Oh I listen to pretty much anything'. You explained perfectly. That is exactly it. It ends up signaling that this person has no opinion. Obviously I am not going to sit around being submissive all day. As everyone is over here talking about dinner, I generally like most things. But some foods I don't want to repeat in a short period. So I might say anything is great but not pizza because I had it yesterday. On a vacation I have a couple of guiding principles and I'll generally have a few things on my list to do and I am flexible otherwise. So what this means is if you like to plan every minute, go to it just include my items. If you like to wander aimlessly then keep in mind I am going to plan my few things and then we can wander around. But you have to make a choice of some form. Wandering is a choice. But just saying whatever you want to do is really really annoying.
Shining One Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Ask a girl what she wants for dinner and the answer will almost always be, "I don't know." or "I don't care." Trouble is, she does know, and she does care. If I pick a place, that place, for whatever reason, just won't do. Or, if she does agree to eat there, she might order some crap that ain't even on the menu, or massacre a meal to such an extent that the chef doesn't even want to make it,and the waiter looks at her funny for even ordering it. And it has to be gluten free, of course. Then, the next time I take her out to dinner, she might suggest a place and say she really wanted to go there last time, but didn't want to say anything. All of that headache, just because a guy made a decision on something as unimportant as dinner. So, yeah...I feel better now! This happens to me a lot too. I've even had a couple women complain about the Cheesecake Factory because the menu is too big and they have trouble deciding what they want.
Author seekingluck Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I think I just started dating your twin. I am a very easy go with the flow guy. Not much of a foodie and could give two hoots about the newest trendy place to go. My hobbies keep me more at home and I am fine with all of that, It's who I am. But have learned that decisiveness is a huge turn on. The woman I have just started dating is very driven, successful, and apparently the one who always makes the plans. So the morning after our first date where I had picked the time and place I got a voicemail where she thanked me for the lovely evening and expressed how much of a breath of fresh air it was that I made a "decisive" plan for the evening. Her acknowledgment of that was so appreciated, because it does take work for me to plan dates. Therefor I planed an even better date, nice dinner and a play. And she loved it even more. As I have planned a few dates now she tells me she wants to plan the next date. Acknowledging that it take effort and she wants to give some back. I told her "I'd like that, but why don't we plan it together." And the hook is set:cool: So fellow men. If you want to date a driven, successful, beautiful woman get off your dive bar stool and plan something! Time and place, get creative, put some effort into it and you will be rewarded. And then keep doing it! The best date I have gone on recently was with a go with the flow guy like you (it didn't totally work out for way off topic reasons but mostly because he lives far!) Anyway we planned our date a few weeks in advance because I was visiting. He has something he wanted to do so he got tickets. He told me to meet him a certain time and we had a packed evening of lots of fun and low key stuff. Best date ever! We did several different things and had plenty of time to talk. It was perfect! He just showed me a few of his favorite things. A plan. But not a lot of heavy lifting.
Author seekingluck Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 This happens to me a lot too. I've even had a couple women complain about the Cheesecake Factory because the menu is too big and they have trouble deciding what they want. Their menu is 90 pages. I don't think I have made it past the salads.
Quiet Storm Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Guys can be assertive and take charge without being controlling and jerky. I was only 15 when I met my husband, and even in high school he was a leader. Other guys seemed to look up to him, even though he was not an alpha jock type. Maybe it was just because I was young and immature, but that trait was definitely one thing that contributed to the strong sexual attraction I felt for him. He took me by surprise when he first kissed me with a long, deep confident kiss. Other guys I had gone out with seemed nervous and would shyly say "Can I kiss you?" Now I look back and feel bad thinking, "They were just kids, of course they were nervous. I was too hard on them." But at the time, in my teenage hormone raging mind, those guys just didn't turn me on (just being honest). I definitely had opinions, though, and let him know it! Many aspects of attraction are primal, IMO. Of course, we can control our actions and override those primal feelings, but they do still play a part in feelings of attraction. I think it's similar to how some guys like to feel needed and want to help. Sometimes, those feelings lead us down the wrong path, though. Especially, if a woman mistakes controlling & assho1e behavior for an assertive and confident alpha.
ManyDissapoint Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I was at a bachelorette party recently and we were playing one of those question games were you talk about sex and dating preferences. One of those questions was around submissiveness. I thought about how I felt about it and I came to a realization. About the ways attraction fizzled for me. I like partners who are decisive. And make plans. I make a lot of decisions and have to "lead" a lot at work. So when it is not work, I am would rather not make all the choices and organize everything. So I appreciate someone who has a vision and takes along for the ride. Alternatively, having a skeleton idea and needing help executing is fine by me as well. I don't want to make the plans, organize the plans and execute the plans. Over the weekend I had a decent conversation with a guy I met online. He wants to talk on the phone and I explained I prefer to get to know people in person. And I use the phone for logistics. And that he could reach out to schedule a meeting: drinks, coffee, whatever. He reached out and I asked what would you like to do ans he had zero opinion. That was instantly unattractive to me. It felt like I'd have to make all of the decisions. Which I hate. But I also have noticed, since I a,more dived as a career woman, there are some men who think that means I'd like to be in charge all the time. Which isn't the case. I can't put my finger on it, but it seems like decisiveness is becoming less common. Do you have a preference for decisiveness? So you're saying that you're a typical woman. 1
BlueIris Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) Ah, you wish to put the burden of decision making on your partner. I understand, but it doesn't work like that. This reminds me of the worst vacation my hubby and I ever took. We were both burned out from work decision making, went on holidays and both shut down from from decision making. What do you want to do? Dunno. What do you want? What do you want to eat for dinner? Dunno. What do you want? The end result being a crappy vacation and the realisation that nobody much wants to be the sole decision maker and the task must be shared so that we don't become a burden on our partner. If you want to have someone making all your decisions, then stop being a grown up and let your parents do it all for you. I don't want someone to make ALL of MY decisions, but I do want someone who happily and readily does take the lead at least half of the time. I've dated guys who were so passive and indecisive that this was the norm for getting together: Him: Do you want to do something tonight? Me: Sure. What would you like to do? Him: I don't care (or, I don't know). I'm quite a 'get sh|t' done kinda person, I'm very driven and organised, I plan, I tend to achieve most of the goals I set myself and am frequently the one to organise plans with friends, round up deposits, book tickets, so I too really enjoy dating a guy like the one you describe. I think one of the reasons I can be so submissive in the bedroom is down to my strong character, it's nice to let someone else take the reins sometimes. Problem is I rarely seem to attract those kinds of guys! Sometimes I have to make a real conscious effort to take a step back and leave a vacuum so the guy has an opportunity to make the plans and take me out as my default is to do that kinda stuff myself. Maybe if I was with someone like me all the time we'd drive each other mad butting heads, I doubt it's a coincidence that my boyfriend is extremely laid back and easygoing. We complement one another. One thing I look for is someone who is an individual and knows who they are, I can't stand it when a guy doesn't have any passions, doesn't believe in any causes, doesn't have a favourite musician, or book, or movie, even sports team... If someone is really neutral and bland about everything it turns me off so fast. I have dated a few guys who've been like that and kinda tried to latch onto what I'm into, maybe to appeal to me or maybe to seem like they've got their own interests and passions too, but it's usually pretty obvious. I don't care if we're into totally opposite things, I just need to feel some passion and commitment to something. Easiest way to end a date for me is the guy saying 'music? Oh I listen to pretty much anything'. Absolutely. Edited May 27, 2016 by BlueIris added
preraph Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I do find decisivness important because I am decisive so I don't like waiting for someone wishy-washy to sit there and waffle and hem and haw, find it very annoying. On the other hand, I am willing to take the lead and usually do. I seem to attract those are are willing to hand it over. One of the most annoying ones, I would tell her I'm taking her out for her birthday and to think about where she wanted to go, but she would never say. She's throw it back on me. Now, on any other day, that's fine, but it's her birthday. So after a couple of years of her refusing to name a place, we got in my car and I turned off the engine and said "We're not moving until you tell me where you want to eat." She finally coughed up a name -- and it was somewhere she'd wanted to eat for a long time but would never speak up about. Ridiculous!! And this is a woman who has been on her own most of her life making all her own decisions, so I don't get it. 1
Jabron1 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 So you're saying that you're a typical woman. I'm not even kidding when I say that 'decisiveness' wouldn't even appear on my list of 'things I want in a woman'. I think all of this is typical, and not surprising in the least. 1
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