Mariposa83 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Hi, My boyfriend and I have been on and off for several years. We have been back together for 2 years and decided to give it a better chance by living together. That has been complicated since I'm in medical school and tend to move around. He's retired and has expressed his need to travel, even though he has already travelled more than most people I know and has travelled the 4 yrs he's been retired. I try to understand his needs and agree when he leaves for 1 month or more, since my career does not currently allow me to travel. But when he leaves, he tends to not communicate very well. I have expressed how i need him to try more and call me everyday and be more expressive while we are away. Tell me he misses me, etc. This has become our main problem and is taking a toll on the relationship. It has taken a lot for him to call me more frequently when he's away, but still feels annoyed to call me every day. Its very hard for me since medical school is very demanding and I need to study a lot, so don't have the option to "go out and keep busy". I keep very busy by studying, but its a different busy; where it requires to be alone with just my books and my mind. I'm very stressed and I know my stress is not his fault. However, because of all the stress, I sometimes need to feel more support and care from his end, specially when away. If I make the compromise to agree for him to travel and be away for more than a month at a time, he should also compromise to meet my needs and understand that I sometimes need those sweet nothings. I feel bad when I get upset because he doesn't call me or his messages are kind of cold, or he doesn't greet me good morning or say goodnight.. I don't want to be nagging or expecting too much. But I do get annoyed that I'm the only one that seems to keep the communication strong. I'm the one that wants to talk on the phone or skype. I practically have to beg him to call more and we never skype. And I mean never. Its all via whatsapp and sometimes phone call. If I would let it be up to him, we would probably talk every other day. I don't know what to do or if I'm wrong and being too demanding. Sometimes I feel that I am, but at the same time I also feel I am being quite understanding of his needs. I would be fine if he agreed to call me once a day before he went to bed. Make it a habit. But he says he doesn't want it to be "expected". I really don't know how else to approach this and it's upsetting me because I feel emotionally drained. It also has been interfering with my performance. Am I being irrational? Should I back off? Try a different approach or should I just move on? I also want to add that when we're together, he's very caring and thoughtful. When we're together, he wants us to do everything together. If he goes anywhere, even to the store, he wants me to come along. I actually wish he was more independent when we're together.... If we're watching a movie together, he wants to be cuddling. He will sometimes tell me "you're too far" if I sit on the other end of the couch. Thats why its such a big change for me when he leaves. It's when he leaves that it feels he "shuts off" emotionally. So it feels like im with two completely different people when he's here and when he's away and that I'm having two different relationships.
VeveCakes Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 He can't call or text once a day while he's travelling? Don't believe it. He is either extremely lazy and uncaring or up to something. Where is he travelling? With who? 1
Author Mariposa83 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 He's traveling alone. He does text every day. But it's a problem for him to call every day and also be affectionate while away. He's in cities, do I know there's wifi available.
Dork Vader Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I'm curious what is the age gap between the two of you? You're in medical school and he is retired? Perhaps this man is not the one for you? Perhaps the two of you are at different points in life.. You're starting a career, he is starting retirement and traveling. Do you want kids? If so does he? Relationships are two way streets, you two need to find compromise.. 2
basil67 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 You say that if it was up to him, that he'd only call you every other day when he's away. Plus he texts with you daily. I think this is more than reasonable of him. Perhaps this is more about your lifestyles not meshing? I can't begin to imagine starting out as a doctor and trying to have a relationship with someone who's retired. It's just not compatible.
Author Mariposa83 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Yes, there's a 12 yr age gap. It's not too bad, but it is in terms of where we are in life. He retired really young after he did 20 years of service. I haven't left him because I was trying to be loving and supportive. years of service left some nasty emotional scars and I don't want to give up. I love him, but Have thought more lately about walking away, since I'm feeling I'm going above and beyond to meet his needs, yet he gives me such a hard time when it comes to my needs. I don't know many women that would be OK with their SO traveling alone for more than one month at a time. So I don't feel asking him to call me everyday and be more affectionate is too much. It's compromise. You want me to be OK with you being away for more than a month, then you have to call me everyday and find a way to communicate effectively. It is hard, given we obviously are at two very different points in our lives. I will soon start residency and that will be very demanding. I don't think I will be able to deal with that and an inconsistent relationship. I Actually thought him Being retired could actually work in our favor since he could move anywhere I had to go. We have talked about kids. I want kids, he keeps changing his mind. So you guys don't think I'm being too hard and demanding? I have thought of acting distant to see if he reacts, but I don't like silly games.
joseb Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't think you are wrong to be unhappy, but he is who he is and you are trying to change him. I think.you either need to accept him.for who he is, or move on. Personally, if I was travelling and had to call and check in daily it would totally ruin it for me. So I can understand why he feels the same. 3
Emilia Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I think this is yet another example of people hanging onto a relationship tooth and nail where clearly there is incompatibility long term. 2
phineas Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I would never be able to date someone who just ups and hits the rd for a month at a time. What's the point? I might as well be single. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also don't think you two are a good match. You have very different needs and expectations and your long-term goals (ie children) don't seem to match. I think it's only going to get worse when you begin your residency. It's time to close the book on this relationship, from my point of view. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I agree that you are not a good match. When you graduate, presumably you will want to practice. He will still want to travel. The pattern won't change. So what's the point? Sometimes love is not enough. Sorry
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) It's not unreasonable that you need and want him to call every day, problem is HE doesn't need or want to talk to you everyday. He only needs and wants to talk to you every *other* day and TEXT every day. Knowing he doesn't want to, why do you still insist, push and nag? Do you think your nagging him about it is gonna motivate him to want to? It won't. Even if he acquiesced to your demand and started calling every day, he still wouldn't be doing it from his HEART, he would only be callng out of *obligation*. No man wants to feel *obligated*. to do something he doesn't *want* to do. Meeting needs and compromise is important, but so is *accepting* your partner for who he/she is and being happy with what they DO choose to give. Space needs is one of those issues that is very hard to compromise on. In your case, if he is forced to call you every day to suit YOUR need for more contact, he will eventually feel suffocated and resentful. Is that what you want? Another thought is perhaps if you stopped nagging him about, he WOULD want to. In any event, if you absolutely cannot move past this, and be happy with calls every other day and a text every day, move on. You are not compatible and this will always be a thorn in the relationship , ultimately resulting in its demise. Sorry. Good luck with medical school! Edited May 27, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Toodaloo Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I think this is yet another example of people hanging onto a relationship tooth and nail where clearly there is incompatibility long term. I second this...
Author Mariposa83 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 I think you're not unreasonable. I just think he's not a good match for your style. Loving someone isn't enough when you've been clear about your needs and he makes no effort to consider your feelings - that's not loving behavior! Can you move out and support yourself? You're absolutely right. Loving someone sometimes isn't enough after you have stated your needs and they are still not met. And yes, I support myself. With loans... but for me, it's better than depending on my SO. I cannot imagine having these issues in my relationship and on top of that thinking how I will support myself. It's always good to make sure you can, so that won't be an issue. I wanted to give the relationship a good chance. In another circumstance, I would have been long gone. I have walked away from relationships that didn't meet my needs without thinking much about it. Why have I stayed? I should have explained this in the beginning, but didn't feel comfortable since I'm new here and this is very personal. It's a bit more complicated here. We had a long distance relationship, fell in love, broke up because of the distance. Then we decided to give it another try. He went to war and came back different and a few years ago, he was diagnosed as Bipolar II. He was predisposed to it and traumatic events triggered it. I wanted to be there for him. This was part of me being understanding and loving. I didn't want to give up on him just like everyone in his life seems to do. I cannot say he has not tried. I said if it were up to him, he would text/call every other day, but I didn't say it right. It has taken a long time for him to even text daily. Calling seemed to be impossible for him. This was after war.. before, we would talk every day. If it were really up to him, right now that he's stable with treatment, he would text every other day and call once/week. I feel I need to remind him that he hasn't called, which is tiring. For the past few years, his needs was what mattered most. Him getting better and helping however I could. Being a caregiver, I became his caregiver. Focusing our efforts within the relationship on his well-being. It's difficult to let go of the role in my career and just be a normal person, with normal issues, feelings and needs. It's also difficult to be viewed that way and not be expected to act a certain way. It was definitely expected of me to be much more understanding and able to deal with this better. However, he is now better and relatively stable. That's why I was more comfortable with him traveling, because I don't want to deprive him of that. I also want to trust him. He has travelled several times this year for more than 1 month at a time and this has now been a constant issue. Him not calling every day, or wanting to "be disconnected" for days, makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I'm aware that a bipolar person, in general, can be more likely to have an affair than a non bipolar person. Maybe I'm just a little insecure. Maybe I just miss him and like to hear his voice and feel his affection just as when he's here. Maybe because he's in a different country, I get worried when I don't hear from him. Maybe I am more "needy" than him. It's probably a combination of everything. But it still doesn't change my communication needs because they would be the same if it were someone else. Texting every other day and calling once a week when reminded and acting cold and distant is not ok with me. I want to "let him be", but I don't think shouldn't have to set aside my needs. I feel I had done that in the past and don't want to do it anymore. Maybe it is selfish wanting my needs to be equally important as his... but I also have my own issues to deal with and have to manage so much stress, that I could use a little more support and initiative on his part. I didn't explain this at the beginning, since he has been stable and wanted a "normal" perspective. His change in communication seems to be more of a habit/pattern, than a symptom of his disorder. I definitely don't want to nag him. I don't like doing that because I cannot even stand myself when I do. I admit I have done it out of frustration and I know that pushes anyone away. Its hard not to do it when you're frustrated. Thanks to everyone for their input. It's nice to get a different perspective. Someone said its a matter of compromise, but also accepting the person for who they are. I agree completely and definitely have to look more inside to see where I am with this. I also have to think about us just maybe not being compatible. I did think about us being at a different point in our lives and how it might be a problem. We spoke about it before and after he retired. We agreed that it may not so bad after all. It kinda made it easier because he still had an income, yet was no longer tied down to a job, so he could be with me wherever I had to be. He could be a stay home boyfriend/husband, which didn't sound so bad. Then he thought about traveling before more responsibilities came along, such as kids. Nothing wrong with that either. But maybe not so compatible anymore. I know he loves me and I love him, but this is something more we might need to discuss. Someone else said this is a classic example of someone hanging on to something that won't work in the long term. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
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