kcs121 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 5 months. Things have been great for the most part, we have met each others family/friends who are supportive and like our respective partners, we spend 3-4 nights together a week. He is 37, I am 29. In the first two months he was very attentive to my needs. He said "I love you" after 3 months. Since the first two months we have gone out to functions with other people - usually his friends (we are both extremely social) I normally go to his house, logistically it is easier. I feel like he is getting everything on a silver platter but I question what I am getting from the relationship. I know he loves me but there is a difference between loving someone and showing them love. He also has quite a sarcastic sense of humour, it is funny but sometimes cuts a little for a female seeking connection - eg I say "hey I really love you" - his reaction (in a funny way) - "so". I asked if we could go on a date soon and he said wait until payday (2 weeks) but then he went and bought a $200 suit. I don't think my needs are getting met..I feel like relationships are 100/100 not 50/50. I am such a giving loving person and I find it difficult not to give 100% to someone once I decide to. I may have slightly Co dependent tendencies. I'm happy for the most part but I feel like he is getting spoilt and receiving, and I would love to receive too. How do I bring this up and communicate this without coming across as needy and dependent? *edited to say* he realises he can be quite selfish at times and does need to be pulled up on it. We had issues with this recently (see my other post) and when I bought this up using some quotes from you helpful members he realised that he had how I felt. Edited May 27, 2016 by kcs121
Buddhist Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I feel like he is getting everything on a silver platter but I question what I am getting from the relationship. If your relationship is all about getting then I'd hazard a guess it's not love, it's a transaction. I don't think my needs are getting met..I feel like relationships are 100/100 not 50/50. I am such a giving loving person and I find it difficult not to give 100% to someone once I decide to. Yes, but are you giving because you like giving or giving in order to get something back? If it was the former this post wouldn't exist. Be honest with yourself now, you give 100% because you expect to get back the same things that you give. But your partner is not you and therefore isn't going to give in exactly the same way that you do. I'm happy for the most part but I feel like he is getting spoilt and receiving, and I would love to receive too. I challenge that you are happy for the most part because you then go on to exclaim how your partner is spoilt and getting so much more than you are. Sounds pretty unhappy for the most part actually. How do I bring this up and communicate this without coming across as needy and dependent? I don't think you can to be honest. Because it is needy and dependant. Perhaps you might like to examine why you think of relationships as transactions in which you are keeping score of what you're getting and why you're needing to get these things from someone other than yourself. Sorry to be harsh, but a lot of people hear the words....I love you. And instantly assume a love relationship is what they are in. When what they are really in are arrangements in which they expect their needs to be met, as if their partner was some kind of parent and get royally upset when it doesn't happen. I know, I know, this is the blueprint most people have for relating to others. I'll give you stuff conditional on me getting what I want. I just don't like to call such situations love. Call me pedantic.
basil67 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 You don't need a conversation. You simply initiate the things you want as they arise. If you want him to stay at your place more often, then when an event comes say "hey, would you mind if we slept at my place tonight?". If there's no event, then just invite him over for the night. If you want to go out for dinner and he doesn't have the money, then you pay for it (unless you've paid for all the recent outings, in which case, you've got other issues) Just be more assertive about things as they come up 2
Author kcs121 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Something to think about - thanks Buddhist
Buddhist Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 For the record, relationships are for enjoying the other person's company. If you're annoyed about how much you are giving/doing then don't do it. To do it and then hold expectations over the other person because of what you've chosen to do is called passive aggression. 2
katiegrl Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 (edited) OP, you can't force a man to give you more than he is willing (or desirous) of giving at any particular point in time. Asking him to give more sure won't motivate him to want to, that's for darn sure. He will most likely think you are needy, demanding and annoying. That said, he may step up for a little while, but will revert right back to giving what HE is comfortable giving.... because a man gives from his HEART, because HE wants to, not because someone (his gf) or anyone really "asked" him to. You either accept who he is, AS IS, and what he is capable of giving, or you wish him well and quietly walk away. Or do what the previous poster suggested, simply initiate the things you want to do and gauge his response. This is precisely why we date. To determine who we are compatible with and who we are not. With respect to time spent, space and other needs. If someone isn't meeting our needs this early in (and five months is considered early on in my book) then like I said, wish them well and walk away. A long term committed RL is different. If it's that, then you discuss your concerns, but not after only five months when you are still learning about each other and determining compatibility. Edited May 27, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Dis Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I agree with katiegrl.....you cant force a man to give what he doesnt have. When I was with my ex of 2 and a half years I felt I wasnt getting my needs met...I constantly complained...expected him to change according to my needs...this was all a mistake on my part. Men are as they come...they are as they appear to be. There are no changes...no revelations....accept him and what he has to give or move on. katiegrl is right....its about compatibility. Sounds like you and your bf might not be as compatible as you thought you were. 1
Satu Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Just bear in mind that no one person can fulfil all your needs. Life just doesn't work that way. Take care. 1
Popsicle Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Stop giving as much. And this... You don't need a conversation. You simply initiate the things you want as they arise. If you want him to stay at your place more often, then when an event comes say "hey, would you mind if we slept at my place tonight?". If there's no event, then just invite him over for the night. If you want to go out for dinner and he doesn't have the money, then you pay for it (unless you've paid for all the recent outings, in which case, you've got other issues) Just be more assertive about things as they come up
Recommended Posts